"The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard." ― William Hazlitt

CHAPTER VII: Conversation

"SO, how did you become the most evil mage ever?"

Zeref glanced over at Natsu, who was staring at the night sky determinedly. He looked back up at the stars, wondering how he was going to explain just how sad he had been without making Natsu feel guilty or responsible.

But... he had been the root of it. Natsu had been the one who had set his choices into motion, though it certainly was never his fault. No. The blame rested solely on Zeref. Natsu's death had just been the igniting incident; the trigger – he'd always had the possibility to go down that path.

"Would you believe me if I told you it was because I wanted to die?" He asked. Natsu snorted.

"I can, actually."

Zeref smiled a little—he'd been smiling so much more lately, oddly enough— and pillowed his arm underneath his head.

"Okay, fine. You have a point there." He sighed, sobering. "I made a lot of mistakes, Natsu, so many that I've lost count of them. Horrible, despicable mistakes..."

"Zeref."

He met Natsu's eyes, locking their gazes together. "No, Natsu. I'm serious. I know I'm not bad, or good, but I've done so many horrible things, that the shame practically suffocates me each and every day. I don't want you to ever try to do anything remotely similar to what I've done, because... I don't want you to live like I do."

Natsu blinked, and then he smiled softly. "Zeref, I'm a fire mage, remember? I can't mess with life or death magic or any of that." You'd be surprised, he thought though he didn't say it out loud. Every mage had the capacity to access those magics through the One Magic. "But if I could, I wouldn't. Part of being human is making mistakes, we're not perfect after all, but we can also learn from them."

He snorted. "I guess that makes you more human than I am."

Natsu rolled his eyes and sat up, crossing his legs Indian style. "Okay. We really need to work on your self-image issues sometime." He said. "Seriously. It's terrible, bro."

Bro? He wondered, then decided to just go with it. "I can't really help it though." He admitted. "It's as much a part of me as your love to fight is."

Natsu frowned slightly. "Okay, fine. We're just going to have to teach you how to reign it back."

Zeref rolled his eyes. "Okay, back on track with the original question. So, the reason I went completely insane is..." It's not because of you, but your death set me down that road. "because I made some poor choices. The worst was making a deal with Ankhseram to..." He trailed off, realizing that this would only make him feel guilty. Natsu's eyes softened slightly and he stared at him.

"To bring me back to life, wasn't it?" He dropped his gaze and played with the edges of his coat. Zeref noticed they were becoming frayed. "Yeah, about that... I kinda owe you an apology, don't I?"

Zeref frowned. "No, you don't. You weren't the one-" who told me to bring you back to life, was what he wanted to say. But Natsu's stare made the denial die in the back of his throat, fizzling out and fading from the tip of his tongue. 

There was something in his stare that was older, something incredibly similar to the look his younger brother would wear at times when they were both children. Many people had called Zeref the genius, but to be honest, Zeref had always thought Natsu was smarter than he was. There were other things more important than books and cleverness after all, and Natsu had grasped that so much easier and quicker than he had. Like friendship and being loyal -- besides, Natsu certainly was never dumb. He'd picked up fire magic like a fly to honey.

"Yes, I do." He rebutted. "I was an ass to you trying to protect my little bubble of reality, and I wouldn't even listen to you, let alone contemplate the idea that you're my... you're my brother. That I'm your brother. That we're brothers." He shook his head, as if he still couldn't completely believe it. "I know it was unfair of me to just-- do that to you when all you'd ever done was to try to make me see you a little clearer, and I'm sorry."

Zeref closed his eyes against the sting of tears in his eyes and clenched his jaw. He had been sad, but... "Stupid."

"What?"

"Do you think I'm not at fault too? I told you we were brothers when you didn't know me -- still don't know me really. I don't know why you believe me even now, though I am grateful. You're my brother, and brothers stay together."

Natsu blinked, and then he smiled a little. "Okay. So, we're both at fault here."

He rolled his eyes, but nodded. "Fine." Because he knew that Natsu was stubborn -- had always been stubborn, the most stubborn of the two of them. Because while he hadn't been able to connect well with anyone really, he had always, always fiercely loved his little brother and had never been able to argue with him.

Well, unless it was for the last biscuit. Then it was an all-out war.

"Okay, so, continue." Natsu waved his hand as if he was swatting at a fly. Zeref rolled his eyes. He'd always been a bit like that, though he had always denied it. His brother was a bit of a show off.

"Right. Err.. Choices. I became crazy because of the choices I made. But I was grief stricken too... first when you died, and then again when Mavis..." he shut his mouth immediately. He hadn't intended to mention her -- it was hard not to though. Natsu was older now, a lot older than the nine-year-old he remembered, and he knew that he would understand things like this more easily. Natsu's eyes softened and he leaned forward.

"She died too, didn't she? You loved her."

He swallowed hard, and then he sighed and nodded. "I loved her, a lot." So much. She'd given him kindness, shown him kindness, and to him... nothing would ever compare to that. He'd been so lonely, and then she had come into his life like a ray of sunlight with her smiles and her illusionary magic, allowing him to touch an animal again. She'd given him so much, even though they hadn't known each other for long. "Too much."

"I think she loved you, too." Natsu said quietly, hugging his knees to his chest. "A lot, really. I don't say much, but I've seen the way she looks at you sometimes. It's kind of sad."

Zeref squeezed his eyes shut again. More than sad, really. He'd destroyed her life, and that was unforgivable.

Suddenly, Natsu's arms wrapped around him, and he gasped out of shock, because... he was hugging him. His brother was hugging him. And he thought he would never.... He went rigid.

"Sorry..." he began to pull away, and then Zeref gasped -- nonononononononononononoo, he couldn't-- and grabbed the back of Natsu's shirt. Tears burned his eyes and his shoulders trembled. He didn't... he didn't want to cry anymore. He was so sick and tired of crying.

"It's okay." Natsu said eventually, his hand gently tapping the back of his head and flitting away just as rapidly, muscles tense but not exactly pushing away, as if he didn't know what to do in this kind of situation. "I'm here now. I'm not going to let you go. We're going to figure out a way to free you of your curse. I'm not going to let you live like this anymore..."

That was when the first of the tears finally slipped from underneath his eyelids, and a half-choked sob wracked his body. Because the last time something like this had happened... he couldn't even remember it. He'd never had comfort from someone else before -- well, other than their teacher, and her's hadn't been nearly as nice. It felt like their roles had been reversed somehow, and he was the younger brother being comforted by his older brother.

"I'm sorry," he gasped. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for exactly -- there were so many things he had screwed up in his long life, and it could be anything.

Natsu's arms tightened around him, and while he didn't say "it's okay" out loud, his silent gesture told him that he knew. That while it wasn't okay, they'd figure it out together, like they always had.

After all, they were brothers, and that was what brothers did.

_______________________

"Favorite color?"

"Red. Yours?"

"Blue."

"What, seriously?"

Zeref's lips twitched at the incredulous look in Natsu's eyes as he took a sip of Mirajane's smoothie, easily ignoring the hustle and bustle of the Guildhall. "What? You thought I just liked black?" He crossed his arms and fake pouted. "I like colors—specifically, bright, happy... neon... ones."

Natsu snorted. "I hate neon colors—they always burn my eyes. Erza went through this phase..."

He laughed, holding his hand up to stop him. "I don't want to know anymore!"

"Okay, okay. So. Food?"

"Err... I'm not sure." He tapped his chin. "Anything sweet, I guess? Especially if it has chocolate in it."

Natsu blinked. "You're not as obsessed as Erza is, right?"

He shook his head quickly. "No, of course not. She takes obsession to a whole new level."

Mirajane giggled lightly, taking his plate out of his hand and giving him a... chocolate milkshake. He blinked, and then he looked at her in awe. "Don't let her hear you say that—she likes to pretend that it's normal."

He nodded dumbly. "Uh..." He sniffed at it, half wondering if it was poisoned, and hesitantly sipped at the milkshake. Immediately, he melted a little internally. "Thank you!" Mirajane smiled at his slightly closed eyes and gave Natsu his own shake-- something with jalapenos in it. Zeref shuddered as Natsu gulped down about a quarter of it without even flinching, wondering how he was able to do that. But then, even when they were kids, he'd had a fondness for anything really spicy.

"Okay, so..." he paused then frowned. "I have no more questions I can ask."

"This is a stupid game." Natsu muttered. Zeref rolled his eyes.

"You were the one who started it-- because you were bored of all things!"

"Hey, Natsu!" Lucy came up to them, a smile like sunshine on her face and towing Happy along behind her. Natsu turned around, a brighter grin on his face as he sat up a little straighter. Zeref tilted his head. "I'm going grocery shopping and Happy wants fish-- "

"A trunk full of fish."

Natsu frowned at him. "Why a trunk full?"

"Because Lushee lost a bet."

Natsu laughed, his eyes sparkling as he turned to meet her. Interesting... "Seriously? You lost a bet? The girl who always robs me of any money I have whenever we play poker?"

Lucy rolled her eyes, running her fingers through her ponytail. "It's a long story." Her eyes darted to Zeref's face, before focusing back on Natsu. Must have been about me. "Come on, you have to help me. I'm never going to be able to carry everything back with me, especially since you two eat out my fridge."

"Huh?" He asked, interested peaked. Lucy rolled her eyes, sending them an exasperated look.

"I suppose you haven't heard yet... apparently, it's some kind of tradition for everyone to break into my apartment. Especially these two." She walked forward and tugged Natsu by his ear, pulling him away amid his protests. Zeref chuckled and sipped his milkshake again.

So, they were in a relationship after all... or were they? 

"Cute, aren't they?" Mirajane said, leaning against the counter with those innocent blue eyes of hers. He didn't trust those eyes though -- they were a lot more deceiving than most people thought they could be, and he had the feeling that she at least had suspicions that he and Natsu were related. "I wish they'd just get together already."

"What? They aren't?"

Mirajane groaned, throwing her arms up in the air. "I've tried every matchmaking technique known to the history of mankind. Love potions, spells, awkward situations, nudging them together, setting up dates... none. of. them. work!"

Zeref blinked. "Well, have you considered just letting it happen?"

Mirajane looked at him like he had suddenly grown two heads. "What?"

"I mean, he's totally... into her. That's the right term, right?" He shook his head, giving up. "Isn't it more fun just to watch them flounder around and be adorable and cute together and all that?" He smiled devilishly at the thought of Natsu trying to ask her out, cackling softly to himself. Mirajane had a thoughtful look on her face, which turned into a smile worthy of the Grinch.

"Oh. I never thought of it like that before..."

"--You two are scary when you're not trying to kill each other." Gray said casually, sitting in the seat Natsu had vacated. "What are you plotting?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Mirajane's voice had a tone of glee in it that made Zeref a little worried for his own brother. A little.

The imp had teased him over his crushes, when they were younger, for years. This was payback.

___________________________

It was breezy out today, the edge of falling finally setting in and making the air nippy. The leaves of the great oak trees had started to turn from green to red and brown and yellow, though it was a sunny day out today. Zeref breathed in the cool air deeply, and exhaled, watching his breath fog up in the air. He'd never admit it out loud, but he loved Autumn. He loved the smell of the spices and the crisp air and the colors of the leaves. Out of the four seasons, it was his favorite.

A lot of things he had once pushed away had started to worm his way into his heart, as the months drifted by and he gradually stopped fearing that the bracelet would somehow break and his curse would come back in full force. He wasn't okay, far from it, but... he felt better. Plus, there was Natsu there, and Lucy and Mirajane. He'd never really gotten close to Erza or Gray though -- though he understood why.

The Tower of Heaven and Deloriah... two mistakes of a madman. Of course he understood how they'd never feel comfortable around him. Sometimes, he had nightmares that woke him up in the middle of the night, and wouldn't let him go back to sleep.

He spun around, thinking he saw a flash of laughter, but then he realized that it was just his imagination again. He sighed and looked back up at the sky, placing his hands into the pockets of the trench coat Gray had loaned him. Something about the togas being out of style.

"I know you're here, Mavis..." he whispered, and the wind gushed, blowing his hair over to one side before dying down again. He smiled. "I can't hear or see you, but the others can, can't they? I've seen them talking to you..."

No response, but he was expecting that. He closed his eyes.

"It's amazing really. I don't feel... I feel so sane now. My thoughts are so clear and unclouded, and I'm not confused over anything at all. It's..." A lump in his throat foamed, and he swallowed and tried to clear his throat. "I never expected something like this to happen... I never expected my relationship with Natsu to come back, even if it's just a little."

It was nothing like what it had been -- nothing close to it, but... it was so much more improvement than he'd expected; Natsu to hate him. This was... it wasn't exactly that Natsu was uncomfortable with him, but he never had that childlike trust in his eyes directed at him. Or anyone, really. After months of watching him, Zeref had realized that there was a slight edge in his eyes, something that told him that he trusted people, but he not with his heart. There was something... jaded in his eyes that hadn't been there before, even when they met at Tartaros.

He blinked a couple of moments and smiled softly again. "It's so strange," he admitted with a little laugh. "I don't know why, but it's almost surreal..."

He closed his eyes. "There's so much for me to be grateful for, but I'm still a little scared, honestly... I'm still that person you knew years ago... still not complete, not whole."

"Zeref!"

He spun around. The book girl, the Iron Dragon Slayer's girlfriend, was running over to him. She looked at the spot over his shoulder with a strange expression on it, before meeting his eyes again. She looked serious.

"We have a problem."

Words like that were never good.