"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." ― Friedrich Nietzsche

CHAPTER XI: Reflection

"BROTHERS, huh? That explains a lot."

Natsu's imaginary hackles raised at Gray's tone of voice, the instinctual urge to snap at him strong. Instead, he shoved his hands underneath his legs so that the popsicle couldn't see the way they clenched as he angled his body around to face him.

"Yeah? So?" He smacked his forehead with his hand mentally at the defensive tone. Idiot, he thought. Sometimes, he wondered if the reason they constantly thought was really because their personalities crashed with each other's, or if there was something more sinister behind it.

Like the fact that I'm END and he says he's going to slay END.

He shook the thought out of his head. He still hadn't entirely wrapped his head around it, probably wouldn't for a long time yet. Besides, that was before he even knew that he and Zeref were related, let alone siblings.

Gray stared at the drink he clutched between his whitening knuckles, as if that held the answers to the universe. A sigh escaped his lips. "END is an abbreviation of someone's name, isn't it?" Natsu tensed. While most of the people in the guild had left after the morning's events and anyone who had stayed were down in the basement with Zeref, he still didn't know if some of the people from the council were here.

Unconsciously, he ran his fingers over the tracking serum they had put into his system. It made him nervous, having it. He doubted it was good news.

"...Yes." He eventually admitted. He didn't look at him, couldn't really. He didn't want to watch the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, because he knew that he would work it out. There were many things Gray was—a bastard, obnoxious, cocky, a popsicle—but an idiot wasn't one of them. If anything, between the four of them, he was the best at connecting Point A to Point B to Point C.

"I'm pretty sure that the E stands for Eterious..." Gray said softly, and Natsu closed his eyes. "Eterious... N.D. It's said that END is a Fire demon... he also started a guild. A dark guild, granted, but a guild nonetheless. And guilds represent family and working together..." He couldn't help himself. He met Gray's gaze, watched the realization dawn in them slowly. "Zeref's last name is Dragneel, just like yours... Both of you must have been born over four hundred years ago. Something must have happened to you... otherwise he wouldn't have gone looking for a way to create demons... wouldn't have cursed himself... And he's so protective of you now. You must have died." His eyebrows furrowed together. Natsu looked down.

"A fire." He said softly. "Zeref says it was from a fire. I think our parents weren't around either—he talks about a teacher a lot."

Gray let out a small gasp that he would have teased him for and started a fight over in any other circumstance. As it was, it took everything he had not to stand up and flee. He wasn't ready to face the condemnation of... a frienemy.

"END... your name is Natsu Dragneel." He was too nervous to say "way to state the obvious, princess" even though he thought it. "You're a fire mage, an incredibly powerful one." He would have preened at the indirect compliment at any other time. "In fact, some people say that you're almost inhuman... a monster, or maybe even a demon."

He flinched at the two words that'd been directed at him for so many years. They'd always bothered him. It must have been the final confirmation that Gray needed, and Natsu figured that he might as well offer up what he knew as a peace offering. While he did enjoy fighting, he really wasn't in the mood for a duel to the death, especially against someone he thought as one of his closest frienemies. (Well, technically, Gray was his only frienemy but he ignored that bit.)

"Eterious Natsu Dragneel..." The words slipped off his tongue, heavy and almost like a bad omen. Natsu looked at him as he spoke slowly. "...is a fire mage who created a guild and lost his memory. Natsu Dragneel is an orphan who convinced a fire dragon to teach him how to control his wild magic and joined a guild of fairies and eternal adventures. Neither one of them remember where he came from."

Gray's eyes widened before he swore softly under his breath and asked, "Now how am I supposed to kill END?"

Natsu shrugged. "If it helps, I don't think I'm END right now? It's in that book."

Gray cursed again. "How is that supposed to help, idiot?" Natsu swiped the drink out of his hands right before his head thumped against the bar. He tilted his head to the side so that his voice wasn't muffled when he asked, "Why is it that everything is more complicated than it should be when it comes to you?"

Natsu smiled and raised one shoulder in a shrug. "In my defense, I haven't destroyed any buildings."

"Except for the island."

"That wasn't my fault. Brandish did that."

He cracked open an eyelid. "How do you remember her name?"

"I... don't know actually." Natsu frowned. "It just came to me for some reason."

They were silent for a long moment, and then Gray began chuckling. Natsu stared at him for a moment before he joined in, and their chuckling became laughter then turned into cackling that bounced off the eerily silent walls. He threw his head back, holding his stomach as tears stung in his eyes. He wasn't even sure why they were laughing—though he had a feeling Lucy would say something about hysteria.

Eventually, it died down into a comfortable silence, leaving Natsu to his thoughts and Gray to his. His chest felt a little lighter now—he wasn't sure what was going to happen, since he knew it was doubtful that Gray would just give up his search for END just like that. Actually, Natsu probably would've smacked him himself if he did, because he knew that END was dangerous. He was dangerous. But he felt relieved that Gray didn't hold him over him—well, didn't seem to, at least.

"So..." He drawled. "Don't think I've forgotten about your heartfelt declaration." His eyes narrowed as he sat back up. "Seriously Natsu. Do you know how dangerous that was? If they figured out who Zeref really is then they'd probably drag you down with him. Hell, they still can if one of us slips up." He dropped his gaze, and Natsu noticed that his knuckles were turning white. "The council doesn't really like Fairy Tail. I think they'd love to figure out a way to make us an illegal guild if they could... harboring a known criminal, let alone the evilest mage that's ever walked on the earth, is enough of an excuse. We've always toed the line between a legal and an illegal guild anyway."

Natsu exhaled slowly to get rid of the tension between his soldiers. "I know." He said softly, leaning forward and threading his knuckles together. He looked at the wall without seeing it. "Something about what's been happening lately in Fiore has me on edge.... They say the king's been ill and Guildarts said something about an incoming storm. I'm less than thrilled with having this tracker stuff in my body too." He waved his arm around. "Kinda makes me nervous actually."

Another long silence.

"Gray-sama? Natsu-san?"

They turned in almost perfect sync. Juvia stood in the doorway that led to the basement, blue eyes darting between them. Natsu was sure she was asking something, but he couldn't read what it was.

Gray nodded. He can. He thought with no small amount of amazement.

"Zeref-san is awake now. Lucy told Juvia to tell Natsu-san."

Natsu stood and smiled at her. "Thanks Juvia." He said, cheering up. He looked over his shoulder at Gray, who merely nodded at him slowly.

"I still think you're an idiot for telling them, but then again, you've never thought things through all the way."

He tried to stop the smile from appearing on his face, but gave up quickly. He never believed in hiding his feelings anyway. Maybe things would change, and he was sure they would, but not everything would change.

"So says the obvious popsicle." He said in fond exasperation. He dodged out of the icicle's way that came sailing over by the side of his head.

___________________________

Zeref knew that something was wrong the moment he woke up. His head felt heavy, his thoughts that had been clear a few hours ago (or was it days?) disjointed and disorganized. He knew that he should say something, anything, to the girls—Lucy and Levy; Lucy was a friend (maybe), and she was Natsu's Sort-Of-But-Not-Really-Girlfriend—but his tongue refused to work properly. His tongue and lips and mouth and lungs refused to cooperate with his mind in its silent screaming of SOMETHING'S WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. HELP. STOP ME PLEASE.

The smile on her lips lit her eyes. She was speaking, and he forced himself to listen even though all he really wanted to do was to curl underneath the sheets again and pretend that the universe wasn't against him.

"...sent Juvia up to get him. He was pretty nervous about you actually. Master Mavis forced him to stay up there with Gray. Something about letting you have peace and quiet?"

Natsu. She must have been talking about Natsu. His brother who he... hated? I don't hate my brother! I love him! A voice screamed in the back of his head, the one that sounded more like his own. He breathed deeply.

"Are you okay, Zeref? You're awfully pale. And quiet." She tilted her head, ponytail falling with her head. He forced a small smile and a laugh.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all. Thanks, Lucy." The words slipped off his tongue without his permission, sounding distant and foreign to his ears. The concern in her eyes ebbed away, making his stomach clench and the thoughts to swirl again. Something bitter made him wonder why she didn't even notice that he was not fine.

You're a masterful liar. Nobody will ever know until it's too late.

He wasn't sure if that was even his own thoughts... or something else. The curse? It had to be the curse creeping in... it was the only explanation he could think of. A chill gripped him.

I don't—no—not again—I won't let you hurt him!

He wondered if he'd gone mad again when he heard no response. Surely he hadn't been expecting an answer, right?

I'm so confused, he thought, the only sane-sounding thought in his mind. And he was—but then, he'd been confused for a long time. He doubted that he knew what it was like to not be confused.

"Zeref!"

He looked up and met Natsu's gaze—who looked relieved. A smile reflexively made his lips curl up and he did an awkward little wave.

"Hi."

...So eloquent, Zeref. You should get an award for that.

Natsu's eyebrows furrowed together for a moment, and Zeref's heart soared because—had he figured it out? Had he sensed that something was wrong with him? (Because he knew that Natsu had keener senses than a normal human – END might not be activated, but he was a dragon slayer.) Hope surged in him, warming, tantalizingly close –

"You still look tired."

......

"Just a little," he said, though what he really wanted to do was warn them somehow. They don't know. They don't know something's wrong – they don't suspect. Not even Natsu, who had been the most suspicious. "What happened? Everything's fuzzy to me."

Natsu sat down on the edge of the bed, frowning at him a little. Zeref watched him.

"Well, those people came in hunting you down and put some kind of tracker thing into our bodies. Next thing we know, some dude comes over and starts interrogating you and ... you healed yourself." His eyebrows furrowed. "I didn't know you could use magic still. Let alone healing magic. I would have expected something more ..." He waved his hands around, gesturing lamely.

"Voodoo-y?" He suggested, and Natsu nodded. "No. I've told you this a million times – magic was different back then." He held his fingers up. "What is considered "lost" magic now had been very popular back then. The four basic elemental magic – air, fire, earth, water – were the most common. Then there was celestial and time magic, which were interconnected very closely and even rarer than they are now. I've only met two celestial mages in my life – one named Anna who opened the eclipse gate, and Lucy herself. Then there is healing magic, which is really the practice of medicine and study of life and death and the balance."

Natsu squinted. "So, you were going to be a ... doctor?" His nose wrinkled. "That actually explains a lot."

He smiled ruefully. "The term is a little outdated." He wanted to tell him that he had been no saint back then either – the only person he'd ever cared about was Natsu; sometimes their teacher. Except he couldn't form the words on his tongue, couldn't force them out.

Something's wrong with me – but I can't ... nobody ...

Natsu yawned. He smiled, even though it felt so faked on his face.

"You look tired. Go get some sleep." He suggested, and Natsu shrugged and looked at Happy, who'd just flown in. The cat grinned.

"I'll make sure he doesn't walk into a tree!"

Natsu made an angry squawking noise as Happy scooped him off the ground and lifted them into the air. Zeref dropped his gaze to his knuckles once they left and he studied them.

__________________________

This world rejects me.

You rejected this world first.

I hate Natsu.

Natsu has to kill me.

The world must die.

The world must continue.

I should be dead.

I want to live.

Natsu is END.

Natsu can kill me.

But he doesn't want to kill me.

Why not?

Natsu is good. Better than me. Clean. Innocent.

Except he isn't. He's still END. Always has been, and always will be. A demon. A murderer.

He's not a saint.

It's not a sin to fall in love.

Stop.

I want to live. I don't want to die. I didn't want this.

This is what you get.

I'm a monster.

You are.

I don't deserve to live.

I shouldn't even be alive.

I can't live like this.

____________________________

Except ... how would he get Natsu to kill him?

Natsu loves his family – always has. He started a guild for demons.

I would target his family.

But who would make Natsu angry enough to kill him? It wasn't in his nature to kill an enemy, let alone his brother.

So he watches.

Erza is immediately axed out. She's like a sister to him and he will go on a rampage, but she's too astute, too clever. She'll know something is wrong with me as soon as I approach her.

Next are Gajeel and Laxus. He cares for them, but there is something about them – a darkness clings to them, like it does to him and Natsu and Gray. Darkness clings to nearly everyone in this guild, how can it not when there is so much light?, but this is a different kind of darkness – one of self-inflected darkness. And he knows that Natsu wouldn't kill for them.

He considers Romeo and Wendy. They're close to Natsu – Wendy is like a little sister to him, he can see it in the familiar protectiveness of his eyes and the stance he takes when they're fighting villains; it's the same he does for Natsu – and they're possibilities ... But he doesn't think they'll provoke the an emotion that is strong enough in his brother.

He thinks of Levy and Mirajane, but they're not close enough to Natsu. He'll be upset, but he doubts he'll be furious. Lisanna and Juvia are both possibilities .

Gray is probable, but not definite. The ice mage is smart and can take care of himself ... if anything he needs someone truly defenseless, someone who is close to Natsu.

Someone like Happy or Lucy.

As soon as he thinks that, the door swings open and he watches as Natsu walks in with Lucy and that little girl – Asuka. The little girl is riding on his shoulders as they laugh about something, and he doesn't miss the soft expression in his eyes as Lucy turns to speak to the little girl.

Of course. How could I have missed it?

_______________________

"Zeref?" Nii-chan. The younger voice of the brother who had died before he was nine and the gravelly voice of the brother who had turned into a demon mixed with Natsu's deep timbre, and he opened his eyes again. The stars swirled and dance in his vision and in the sky. He stared as the lion threw his head back and roared at the scorpion, who threw its tail into the air. The Pegasus danced through the heavens while Pisces swam through the oceans of stars.

"Yes?"

"What do you do when you love someone so much that it aches sometimes, but you're afraid to tell her?"

He exhaled loudly and tilted his head to look at him. Natsu was staring at the sky with a contemplative look on his face. He turned away.

"There's an old saying from a nearly forgotten religion – I can't remember the exact words, but it went something like without fear, there can be no life, and without life, there is no hope. If you cannot conquer your fears, then you can't live."

A pause, and then, "That's confusing."

He rolled his eyes, and the lion tore the scorpion's head off. "I'm not sure what you do. For me, it was natural ..." Too natural. I love too much, too deeply, and it only hurts me in the end. "I guess you have to pretend you're brave until you are brave. Isn't that the trick to living?"

It's a game, he realizes – a careful mind-controlling game with Ankhseram, and that if you slip one inch, you'll crash to the ground and he'll take control.

But ... Who is in control?

"For someone who is completely bonkers, you have some pretty sane advice. I'd be scared if I didn't know better."

He snorted, because that was appropriate for that statement.

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me.

___________________________

The first step of the plan was to draw her out of the guild and into the old Tartaros guild building. It had to have rebuild by this time, even if no one was manning it. Alvarez was too far away, and he knew that she could escape at any point. She wasn't weak, but she was defenseless –

No, not defenseless. She was kind, and that made her naïve. Too trusting. Too good.

And she loves Natsu too.

And Natsu loves her.

Natsu is protective by nature, and if I hurt her ...

He'll kill me then.

Or I'll annihilate this world.

To draw her out though ... He'd have to be careful. She was astute. Not as much as Natsu or Erza, granted, but he couldn't underestimate her.

But how to bring her out into the open ...

________________________

The answer came to him when she leapt up from the bar stool she was glued to and grabbed Natsu by his arm, saying something about a book and how it was almost ready.

"What are you writing about?" Wendy asked as he and Levy crowded around the three of them. He was curious too. He tilted his head, trying to read the text and all he caught was Natsu's name. She sent him a beaming smile.

"It's a secret. Only Natsu gets to know until a publisher approves it."

So trusting ... it's almost a shame ...

No matter.

"Aw, Lu-chan! Wait, what? Why does Natsu get to read it before me?" He can hear the silent he can read?! in her voice. Lucy stuck her tongue out at her friend and slung an arm across Natsu's shoulders and rubbed her knuckles through his hair, making it messier than it usually was.

"Yep. It only makes sense, since he's the main inspiration."

"I am?"

He turned away and smiled, not entirely sure if it was because of the friendly bickering or if it was because of the idea that was brewing in his head.

A publisher, huh ...

______________________________

The next phase of the operation was to send Lucy advertisements for a publisher. He was sure she would look into it, so he made sure that it was for a low-key publishing company that was going out of business.

Three days later, he heard her talking to Natsu about the "offer" she'd received and took a sip of Mirajane's milkshake to hide the growing smirk on his face.

______________________________  

He waited until she had left the guild and had walked about three-quarters of the way to the publishing agency.

______________________________  

"Zeref?" She was confused, which was good, but not suspicious, which was not good – no, it is good. She won't realize you're kidnapping her until it's too late.

Except I don't want to kidnap her.

You do. You want to die, don't you?

Not really.

Yes, you do. You are a despicable creature.

I am.

The contradictory thoughts swirled in his head, confusing him. Always confusing him. Lucy tilted her head, brown eyes open and trusting – too trusting. But that was good, of course. Because if she trusted him, then she would be easier to take. That was what made her weak – she was too kind, she believed in goodness that just wasn't there. And that was what made her vulnerable.

She was defenseless against him because he held everything she held dear in his hand.

And Natsu will come, because she is his family – his precious person. And he will fulfill his destiny and kill me.

So he spoke.

"Lucy!"

And he made sure it sounded surprised, because he shouldn't be expecting her here. He was supposed to be a friend, an ally. How naïve, he thinks with a scoff.

How beautiful.

How beautiful it is to have friends, yet how ... sickening it was too.

"What're you doing here?" She asked, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes at him. "Did Natsu say something?"

He shook his head. "What are you talking about?" He pretends to not know where she was going, because he doesn't. Shouldn't. He didn't know. "I was just exploring. It's kind of funny how I've been here for six months but I don't even know where the closest ... grocery store is? Or is it market?"

"It's mart." She glared at him suspiciously before it relaxed. Now, wait and see ... "Well, I suppose you can come with me anyway. I'm just going to a publishing house for my book."

"The one Natsu got to read first?"

She nodded and hugged the papers close to her chest. "I decided to give a copy to Levy anyway. I left it in her mailbox last night." A scary light entered her eyes and she grinned. "She'll love it."

He wondered what she meant by that, and nodded.

So they walked, and they walked, and they walked some more until they reached the place where the publishing house stood, dark and empty. He stilled, falling behind her as she continued to walk forward.

"Strange," she said, and he could picture her frowning in his head. "You'd think it would look less ... rundown." Just a few more steps and she'd be inside the anti-magic border ...

"Maybe it's a glamour?" He suggested, taking a few steps forward. He turned around, pretending that he was trying to look.

"I don't sense anything like that ... Just a niggling feeling."

Wait, what?

"You sense stuff?" He thought of Mavis, and how she seemed to have a sixth sense. I underestimated her.

"Mmm-hmm. That's part of the reason I was so leery of you ... your energy felt malicious. It still does, as a matter of fact."

He stepped closer to her, heart hammering. I messed up.

So fix it.

How ... ? "Sorry." Not like that!

She turned and grinned at him. "What are you sorry for? It's not your fault." It is - If I had not sinned ... "I've gotten used to it by now anyway. You're a good man."

Guilt. How disgusting. Guilt teared through him and he looked away. I hate myself.

"I'm a horrible human being." He whispered, but she had walked too far away to hear the words. Then he blinked. She's walked over the antimagic barrier!

She seemed to sense that something wasn't right, since she was frowning down at her hands. "That's strange ... I feel tired."

His heart hardened. This is for the good of humanity. Natsu must kill me - the anomaly.

She was frowning at him. Of course she was frowning at him. She was figuring it out, he knew she was beginning to form suspicions - Why else would she be frowning at him?

"You've stepped into an antimagic barrier created by invisible runes." He explained, and her eyes widened. He turned his back on her. "There is no way for you to escape, since I ensured that there is a barrier between you and the outside world. I estimate you'll faint in approximately five minutes."

She didn't look scared or hurt though. Quite the opposite actually - She looked furious. 

"It's taken over, hasn't it? That moment a month ago ... You've been distant ever since then too. Of course. Why didn't I push Natsu to ask you about it more when he came to me?"

He stepped closer to her, taking care not to step over the edge into the antimagic barrier. She was glaring at him, with her cheeks puffed out and her eyes angry. He shook his head.

"Have you considered that this is who I really am, Lucy?" Miss Heartfilia, but he can't speak her last name like he would have. It's the same name Anna had. "That I'm a monster who wants to destroy humanity?"

There was pity in her eyes as she pressed her hand against the invisible box. "I don't think that's you. There is a strong sense of justice in you, even now. If you were a monster then you wouldn't be talking to me like this right now. You'd have killed me and gone after humanity already."

He flinched and turned away. He glared at the distant horizon.

"You're far too naive for your own good, Miss Heartfilia. That is your greatest weakness."

"Why is kindness weak? Is it because it's your greatest we-- agh!" She broke off into a coughing fit, and his eyes were burning the way they always did when they turned red. He clenched his fist and -

The bracelet broke.

"Stop talking." He ordered, voice cold to his own ears.

The voices inside of his head didn't protest.

After all, love was an emotion meant for beings less than him.

"Natsu will come after me."

AndI will destroy my greatest threat and show that my humanity is fabricated. Those fairies will be squashed in the palm of my hand by the end of next week.