"The salvation of this human world lies nowhere else than in the human heart, in the human power to reflect, in human meekness and human responsibility." - Vaclav Havel

CHAPTER VIII: Salvation

THE guild was in an uproar. Zeref stared as several of the members ran around between the chairs, screaming something about the Magic Council. A couple of chairs were thrown into the air and a can of molasses was thrown at his head. Zeref leapt to the side and stared as it splattered against the door.

"What...?" He asked out loud, and glanced at Levy. She shrugged and walked off, joining the metal dragon slayer who was obviously her boyfriend. He looked around and saw Natsu by a counter, drinking something. He skirted the outskirts of the chaos and joined him, plucking it out of his hand.

"Oi!" He took a gulp from it and then promptly spat it out when it scalded his tongue and throat, spluttering. Natsu laughed as Zeref's eyes watered.

"That thing is like a million degrees or something!"

Natsu snatched the cup out of Zeref's hand and took a gulp of the drink. Zeref gaped at him in disbelief. "That's what you get for taking my food."

"Y-you—" His fingers twitched by his side with the urge to wrap around his neck. He'd forgotten just how infuriating he could be at times. "How can you drink that without scalding your throat?"

"I'm a fire dragon slayer, remember?"

"Nope. Nope. Still not an answer. It is impossible for people to be able to drink something that hot."

Natsu shrugged. "I just like my food really, really hot?"

Zeref groaned. He still didn't understand how that was even possible.

"Stop!" Makarov roared, and the guild stilled and went silent. Zeref went silent as well, wondering yet again why the guild was in such an uproar. He was pretty sure he hadn't done anything himself – he'd been as good as a puppy was. Which, wasn't very good actually... "Jellal, explain. In detail." He pinched the bridge of his nose, as if he was exhausted. Or just done with the entire guild in general.

There were footsteps coming from the back of the guild, and Zeref's head turned. Whispers broke out as a figure – a man, probably – cloaked in blue garments walked out from the shadows. Lisanna and Elfman, Mirajane's siblings, stepped out of his way and the person spoke a soft, "Thank you."

Male.

The man, Jellal, knocked the hood off his face in the dramatic fashion that Fairy Tail seemed to possess. His eyes were pitch black, contrasting sharply against the red tattoo that wound around his eyes and his pale skin. Their eyes locked for a heartbeat and Jellal's eyes widened for a moment, before they slid over to Natsu. His brother shook his head, and Zeref looked at him in confusion.

"Err, right." Jellal said, shaking his head as if to clear it. "Some of you may be aware that I've been working to infiltrate the new council—"

"Again?" Someone muttered, and Jellal smiled at where the voice came from. It was an older member—the one who chain-smoked.

"With good intentions and on Makarov's orders, Wakaba. Don't worry." And then his expression darkened and he turned his gaze back toward Makarov—wait, no. He was looking at Erza. She was sitting next to Makarov on the countertop, her expression serious but with something else in it as well. Worry? Admiration? Is he her boyfriend?

"The chairman of the new council has issued an order to search every guild for unmarked members... on the claim that one of them is hiding Zeref."

Short, blunt, and to the point. Several heads spun and several gazes fell on him, and Zeref carefully studied the grain in the wood floors of the countertop. A part of him considered dropping a pin on the ground and seeing the reaction of the guild. The rest of him wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole. He'd never done well with having a lot of attention fixed on him.

"That's crazy," Gray said eventually, breaking the silence. Several heads swung around to stare at him in near perfect sync. "I mean, how could the council know that someone is hiding Zeref? Nobody here would have tipped them off, and the only outside contact we've had is with Sabertooth, but they wouldn't have said anything either."

"And that's a fundamental right they're violating, aren't they?" Lucy spoke up, and several heads swung to look at her. She was sitting by Natsu's shoulder, her legs swinging and gently hitting the countertop. Zeref wondered when she got there. "I've never heard of any council just declaring a widespread search on the guilds without proof that something is up. And we've been pretty careful about not telling anyone that we've been sheltering this dork."

"Well, we did go to Honeysuckle." Zeref reminded her. And then he realized that he probably shouldn't have said that – after all, he was innocent in all of this. Perhaps he should have just gone back to sleep?

"But we didn't tell anyone who you were." Erza pointed out, and the heads turned. A sudden feeling washed over Zeref as he realized that the guild looked like they were watching a particularly interesting round of ping-pong.

"I have a question," Jellal spoke up again, and the heads turned again. "Why is Zeref here anyway? I mean, I expected a dark guild to be harboring him. You were the last guild I was expecting. No offense, Makarov."

"None taken. We were actually watching Zeref ourselves for a while, since he saved Natsu and Lucy's lives a couple of months back."

Jellal frowned. "So, you're acting as the jury?"

Makarov shrugged. "I'll explain it to you later, Jellal."

Jellal nodded slowly, his eyes darting back to him. "When I heard the toadies whispering about it two days ago, I came here immediately. Now I'm wishing I left Meredy in Crocus so that I would have been able to warn you yesterday. They said they were going to send out troops on Thursday—tomorrow." He said slowly, but there was a hint of regret in his tone. There was a stir in the crowd and Zeref grimaced.

"No, don't blame yourself, Jellal. We wouldn't have any warning without you. Thank you."

Jellal smiled at Makarov and flipped the hood up, covering his face in shadows again. "I'd love to stay and help you, but I don't think you want to explain both of our presences here."

"Of course not."

The guild began to murmur, and Zeref glared at the ground. This was all his fault again. He'd slipped somehow and someone had figured out his identity and went to the council. He'd brought the fury of the governors of magic on Fairy Tail, and they were paying the price for their kindness.

"Jellal!" Erza called, and Zeref looked up. The man turned around, but he couldn't read his face. "Be careful." He nodded, and then he opened the door and stepped into the cool air. Zeref chewed into his bottom lip, crossing his arms as the guild erupted into protests and confusion.

He knew this was his fault. If he hadn't come here... but no. He had saved Natsu's life. Or had he really? After all, Natsu was the strongest person he knew, and the smartest (even if he constantly questioned that). He'd probably would have figured out a way to save both of them without his interference.

Natsu waved his hand in front of his face, and he looked up at him reluctantly. His dark green eyes were studying him, and he wondered if he could somehow read his soul. "This isn't your fault."

"But—"

"He's right." Erza spoke up, and he jumped a little. The red head's brown eyes were as guarded as always. "This would have happened eventually anyway."

He shook his head. "I still feel as if I'm responsible for this somehow. If I'd been more careful, or if I hadn't even met you all..." A fist collided with his shoulder, and he yelped and clutched it. He glared at Natsu, who was glaring right back at him in a way that reminded him of the element that he wielded. "What was that for? That hurt!"

"That was for being an idiot. Again!" Natsu threw his hands up in the air and rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. "Do you really think that we'd be better off without knowing you?" Do you really think that I would be better off without knowing you? That was what Natsu's glare told him, and he recognized the hurt hidden behind the fire. He dropped his gaze and slumped his shoulders.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Natsu."

"Though he does have a point." Gray remarked rather coldly. Zeref met his steady stare. "We wouldn't be in this position if we had just given him to the magic council."

Natsu made an angry hissing noise. "Over my dead body! The council wouldn't give him a fair trial! Jellal's been working for over eight years to ease his conscious and he's done more good than any other person I know and the council are still hunting him down. For something that wasn't even his fault!"

Zeref was surprised by the fierceness in his tone, and so were the others too, apparently, if the deer-caught-in-headlights looks were anything to go by.

"Don't tell me you've forgotten what he's done." Gray snapped. "He's responsible for Tartaros. The guild that sent us Hell in a handbasket, remember? His demons destroyed my village, my family—one of his projects enslaved Erza for God only knows how long— our dads were killed by his creations— He plunged the world into a period of fear that we're just getting out of and now you're just... God, he's not just some lost puppy! He has a bunch of nutcases that want nothing more than to eradicate mankind—"

"Stop!" Natsu growled, and the air jumped up a few degrees. "You don't need to remind me what he's done. I know. But he... he doesn't deserve to just... die. He's not entirely bad."

Gray scoffed. "He's gotten under your skin, hasn't he?"

"No. I, unlike you, am not blind!"

The air dropped several degrees and the ground iced over. Zeref wanted nothing more than to slink away from the two nuclear bombs that were about to explode, but he steeled his resolve.

"No, Natsu. He's right. I'm not a saint." He touched Natsu's shoulder. Then he looked at Gray, who looked a little baffled, as if he wasn't sure what to do now that Zeref had just backed up his statement. He narrowed his eyes a little, but not out of anger. He was beginning to understand the ice mage now, why he was so closed off toward him. "The demons you faced in Tartaros were not my original creations—they were the work of my first one. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what happened to your village and your father, Gray."

Gray's eyes narrowed. "Your original creation... END?" He hesitated for a moment at the rigid tension in Natsu's muscles, before he nodded. Gray swore under his breath, before he said, "What about everything else you've done? You've hurt Erza; the dragons are all gone because of you—Jellal was possessed when he was a kid for your voodoo magic! You can't possibly apologize for all of that, or do enough good in the world that'll right every wrong you've done."

"Stop it!" Erza and Natsu snapped at the same time. "Don't bring the dragons into this!" / "Jellal was just as much as fault as Zeref is!"

And then fire, ice and steel clashed. Zeref gaped as the entire guild iced over in an instant. The inferno of fire roared around him in a terrifying control of perfect precision that was neither demonic nor draconic. There was a loud crash and Zeref caught a glimpse of Natsu and Gray and Erza throwing punches at each other, the boys covered in scales while she was equipped in some type of armor—

Lucy suddenly stalked forward. Her brown eyes were like icicles as gold light surrounded her. When it dispersed, her hair was pulled back in two pigtails and she was dressed in a green and blue skirt with a swimsuit top. There was a tattoo etched on her skin—the symbol of the mermaid, if he remembered correctly.

"Would all of you just stop bickering already?" She snarled, standing in the middle of it fearlessly. Her eyes flashed between her partners, and the fire and ice stopped abruptly. "This isn't the guild I remembering joining. That guild gave people second chances despite whatever past they came from. That guild was thick as thieves and would protect each other with their own teeth and nails if they had to. But..." She shook her head, and there were tears clinging to her eyes. "I don't remember Fairy Tail making me hurt so much. I don't remember when my team started to... to... to not work as a team anymore!" She crumpled to the ground and held her hand against her mouth, but a sob burst through. Zeref's heartstrings tugged and he took a step closer to her. "You guys are throwing things at him that he had no control over—he was possessed just as Jellal was. You don't see me blaming him for Aquarius' key being broken!" Her voice rose to a shriek and she slammed her fists against the ground, to emphasize her point. Their startled expressions would have been funny if she wasn't in such turmoil.

And... Zeref couldn't take it anymore.

Out of all the people he knew, she was one of the most kind. He had had doubts and reservations about her because of his magic, but to see her so full of sadness... that made him angry. And his fury was not a gentle fury.

He walked over to her and fell to his knees, and wrapped his arms around her. She gasped for a moment, and then she clutched the back of his shirt and sobbed against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her back in return.

"Lucy..." Gray whispered, taking a step closer to her and he glared at him. He'd always had an intimidating glare, but he was sure that the one on his face was more than intimidating if the way he paused was normal. Natsu stepped closer to him, but he shook his head at him, and Natsu stopped.

A gentle hand rested on his shoulder, and he nearly jumped out of his skin as Wendy knelt next to him. Her eyes were beseeching, asking... and he nodded slightly.

Wendy was the least prejudiced out of all of them.

She placed her fingers on Lucy's shoulders, who looked up and then flung her arms around her broad shoulders. Zeref closed his eyes. This is all my fault.

"Lucy..." Gray whispered, looking just as lost as Erza. Natsu only looked sad, and Zeref realized that he must have known about this all along.

"What?" Someone said, and he turned his face in their direction. The metal dragon slayer was looking at a spot that was conspicuously empty, and it took him a moment to realize that Mavis might be standing there, invisible. "A member of Fairy Tail?"

There was a long pause, and Zeref looked at Natsu for help, but his brother was staring at the spot where Mavis was (apparently) standing with wide eyes. No help from there then. He waited in silence as the guild seemed to listen to whatever she had to say, and he noticed that they kept looking at him. Almost like... they were judging him. Or trying to figure him out.

Good luck with that, he thought. I can't figure myself out most of the time.

"Well, it would solve our issue..." Makarov said, tapping his chin. Zeref looked at him. "If he's a member of Fairy Tail, he would be under the sacred laws of protection that the first king created."

Member... what? He was so confused, and apparently so was everyone else. Where they talking about him? Why? Hadn't he done enough? Makarov hopped down from his place on the bar and stood in front of Zeref. With the way he was kneeling on the floor, they were at eye level.

"First has offered a solution." Makarov said, tone wry. Zeref stared at him in confusion, wishing for a moment that he was a mind reader so that he could figure out what was going through his head. "You can become a Fairy Tail mage."

He blinked. Once, twice, thrice. "I'm sorry, but did you just say that I can become a Fairy Tail mage?" He repeated, just to make sure he hadn't misheard somehow. Makarov nodded. He shook his head minutely. "I... I..." His tongue was dry and it wasn't working right. He pinched himself just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. "Makarov, I'm Zeref."

"I'm aware of that."

"Have you lost your mind?" He demanded frantically, ignoring the way the guild muttered something and Natsu snorted. Makarov raised an eyebrow. "I'm the last person you'd want in your guild. I haven't used magic in years, I've killed Mavis— I've murdered children in cold blood—"

"—and you've saved Natsu and Lucy's lives." Makarov interrupted before he could spill more of the atrocities he'd committed. "I know you want the world to think you're a monster Zeref, but there is still a shard of humanity somewhere deep down that prompted you to save them. Lucy's right—we're Fairy Tail mages, and we've lost sight of the reason that we're Fairy Tail. We protect people who have no other salvation. Isn't that right?"

The guild glanced at each for a second, and then there was a firm "Yes!" that rang through the hall.

He was struck speechless. Emotions, once forgotten, bombarded him all at once like a tidal wave—surging forward over the shore, destroying everything in its wake. Hope, that fragile emotion that kept flickering in and out suddenly surged up like a bonfire just catching. Fear, that he was going to wake up... fear that if he wasn't dreaming, then something bad could happen to Fairy Tail. Guilt and shame, for all the things he'd done wrong—he didn't deserve their kindness, their mercy. He didn't deserve their protection. And happiness—no, not happiness. Happiness was fleeting and shallow. This, this was sheer, deep joy that left his eyes stinging.

It was overwhelming.

"I... I need a minute." He managed to force out, and he stumbled onto his feet. He managed a shaky smile at Lucy before he turned on his heel and fled toward the front door.

As soon as he entered the fresh air, he gulped it down through his lungs and hugged himself. His thoughts were clouding over as the only coherent thought that went through his head was Oh, my God, Oh, My God, Oh my—

"Zeref?" Natsu's voice interrupted his semi-breakdown, calming him down a bit. He felt raw and vulnerable though; more than he ever had before in his life. A feverishly hot hand touched his shoulder briefly before Natsu pivoted in front of him, green eyes concerned. "You know, I'm sure there's another way around the council, if this idea of joining the guild is freaking you out so much."

He was shaking his head before Natsu had even finished speaking. "No, it's not that. I just... I'm overwhelmed right now. I've alternated between building up ice walls around my heart or being alienated by humanity for what I am. The last time I felt like this... with Mavis. I just... it's hard for me to explain." He pressed his right hand against his forehead, taking a deep, shuddering breath to steady himself. It didn't really work.

"I think I can understand..." Natsu said softly, and he opened his eye to stare at him in surprise. He was looking away from him, at something only he could see—it was an expression that was very familiar to Zeref, but it took him by surprise. The Natsu who had grown up as his younger brother had worn that look often, and Zeref had always thought he looked like he was gazing into the future. This Natsu, the one who had grown up as a dragon's only child in a guild of fairies, was far more outspoken and bold. He wasn't a thinker—he was a doer.

But then, before you could act, you had to think. 

"People like me and Lucy and Juvia love with all our heart and we don't even try to cut ourselves off from our emotions, even if they hurt us a lot. For people like you and Gray and Gajeel though, you put barricades around your hearts so that emotions can't hurt you. But eventually those walls begin to crack, and then it's only a matter of time after that until a wave slams against the wall and breaks it down, and it leaves you vulnerable."

That... was a very accurate way of describing how he felt, actually. It was almost eerie how the person who was his brother but not entirely his brother could say something that was so close to what he would have said when they were children. Natsu was studying him again, and Zeref let him see. After all, there was nothing left for him to hide behind anymore.

"I... I still don't know. I mean... It's one thing taking someone like Gajeel or Jellal under your wing, it's another thing entirely to take me."

Natsu's lips lifted up in something like a smile. "That's a little conceited."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. I really am the most dangerous man alive, even though we keep dancing around it. The only reason why I'm able to talk to you like this, without having my Evil Twin take control is because of this thing on my wrist—" he waved his bracelet around to emphasize that point. "—and if that is to fail, then that bloody curse will rear its ugly head back up again. You probably won't even realize it either—I've had times when it's taken over completely and I seem like a sane man until I just... kill. I infiltrated a top security council and that's how I managed to massacre all those people."

Natsu was staring at him with an unreadable expression, and Zeref closed his eyes and looked away. He crossed his arms over his chest, clutching his biceps.

"I can't let myself hurt Mavis again..."

The wind blew harder then, nearly bowling him over. He shivered, wishing that he had one of those heavy coats he used to wear when he was a kid. His homeland had been a strange country where it could be blazing hot in one area, and then ten miles up on a mountain it was snowing.

"I think you'd hurt Mavis more by running away." Natsu's voice was soft, and Zeref blinked open his eyes. He looked sad, and older than he really was, but that seemed like the mood for them today. "I thought that if I left for a year to get stronger, I would be protecting Lucy... but in reality, I was only running away. And I think that hurt her a lot more than I know. You have to do what you have to do, but I don't want you to make the same mistake as I did."

Zeref stared at Natsu's back as he walked toward the door and disappeared into the guild, closing the door behind him with a firm click. He'd always known there was more to his brother than what he could see with his eyes, but the depths and complexities always surprised him each time he said something to show them.

His teacher had once said that Zeref was harder to understand, but Natsu was more complex. Zeref had always agreed. He was the older brother and he knew that he had to protect Natsu, but Natsu had no obligations to stick with him. He'd asked one time why he had, and his response had been "We're family." It was simple, but sometimes the people with the simplest reasons were the most complex.

You know, you have been running away for such a long time, a voice that sounded like his friend Ambraxos whispered gently in his head. Isn't it time to stop running in fear and to start living?

As he stared at the clear deep blue sky, Zeref made his decision.

___________________

"Have you made your decision?" Makarov asked as Zeref entered the hall silently, which wasn't as loud as it usually was but at least everyone wasn't staring at him. Zeref rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Natsu and Lucy out of the corner of his eye. They were talking about something, but they both spared a moment to wave at him before going back to their conversation. He wrung his hands together.

"Mavis is completely okay with this, right?"

Makarov looked at a spot next to him, and then his gaze locked with his again. "She rolled her eyes and said that she wouldn't have suggested it if she wasn't."

Zeref bit his lip and then he nodded hesitantly. "Okay." He said, his voice sounding fragile even to his own ears. Makarov's eyes softened as if he knew exactly what was going on with his heart. He breathed in deeply and nodded. "I... want to become a Fairy Tail mage if you'll have me, Master Makarov."

The words came out rawer than he thought he would, and he realized that it had been something he'd been aching to do for a while. To join this guild—though that ache had grown when he'd found out that Natsu, his baby brother, was a Fairy Tail mage.

"Of course."

He shuddered. This was... it was redemption of a kind, something that maybe, just maybe, he could do a little good. He'd thought it had been out of reach for so long, but now that it was so close to him, he could almost touch it. It was scary, but it was also something else... something that he knew could bring him to his knees. It was bittersweet, something born out of necessity, but also something that he hadn't realized he so desperately longed for, even if, at the same time, it galled him to think that this was another sort of prison to contain his madness. After all, they couldn't let him go. 

"What color do you want and where do you want it?" Mirajane's voice was sweet and gentle, and he looked at her. She was holding a stamp in her right hand, and her eyes gleamed as if she was excited for this moment. Natsu was standing next to her as well, his green eyes sparkling in a way that he hadn't seen in a long time.

What color? He thought. He nearly said black out of instinct, before he bit his tongue. This is a new start... you can choose whatever color you want. Black with associated with death, with darkness, with grief... and he didn't want that anymore. He wanted to be happy again, he wanted to be cured of this curse... He wanted to walk into the light of this saving grace that this guild had offered.

"White." He said, the word slipping off his tongue as if it had been there all along, just waiting to be released and heard. "And on here, please," he said, rolling the sleeves of his toga up to his shoulders.

Natsu's eyes widened slightly as his fingers danced across his own emblem, and Zeref smiled at him softly before he closed his eyes. There were... well, there were butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, and his hands were sweating slightly.

Mirajane pushed his sleeve up and pressed the stamp against his skin. There was a moment of discomfort as it seared into his skin in a white-hot flash. And then it was done.

He didn't open his eyes, scared that if he did, he would wake up on Tenroe Island and this would only be a wonderful, wonderful dream. And that would be the worst thing that happened to him—he was so close... his emotions were overwhelming and warm and real in a way that they hadn't been in over four hundred years and that was both scary and beautiful.

Two cool, slender fingers brushed against his cheekbones and he stopped breathing. He knew that touch... how could he forget it? She'd been the one light in his life during those years when he'd been torn between hating and loving Natsu... He'd loved her too much, too deep, and she'd paid the price.

"Zeref?"

His name slipped through her lips like water, and a lump rose in his throat. Guilt and fear swirled in him and he choked on it a little. His fingers clenched into a fist, but they trembled with the urge to raise and to touch one of her slender hands. Please be real, please be real, please don't hate me, I'm sorry—

"Zeref, look at me, please." Mavis' voice was gentle as the summer breeze and melodious in his ears and he so wanted to obey her command but he was so scared. Her forehead was pressed against his, and he keenly felt the way her coolness clashed with the warmth that ebbed from his skin. "I'm really here, Zeref. This isn't a dream."

How could he not obey her command?

Slowly, ever so slowly, he opened his eyes. And there she was, shining as if she was a star who had fallen down from heaven. The kindness that had first drawn him in radiated from her light green eyes, dragging him down and drowning him all over in their depths. Her blond hair fell over her shoulders in gentle waves like an angel who had come down from heaven.

He didn't realize he was crying until her thumb brushed over his cheeks, underneath his eyes.

"M-Mavis..." He rasped, sounding like a dying man or like someone had just rubbed sanding paper all over his vocal chords. He couldn't take his eyes off of her as her pink lips lifted up in a smile, revealing white teeth that were still a little yellow. The freckles on her nose wrinkles up in that adorable way they did when she was happy.

"See? I told you it wasn't a dream."

He choked up at the kindness in her tone, and pressed his hand against his mouth but that didn't stop the sob from ripping loose from his throat. "I'm so sorry," he gasped. "I'm sorry. I—I—oh, God—" The guilt was literally making him unable to speak a proper sentence, and he clawed at his heart as if that would tear it out of his chest. "I killed you and I've done so many horrible things to your guild and—you deserve so much more than me and—I—God, I love you so much—"

And then she had gathered him up into her arms and everything smelled of Mavis, like the dew of morning, and he gasped as another sob tore out of his throat and clutched the back of her dress with both her hands. Her arms were tight around his back, surprisingly so for such a fragile looking creature and his shoulders shook as more sobs racked across him, bringing both of them to the ground.

"I forgive you, Zeref." Another sob, but he brought her closer to him, pulling her into his chest. Her hands rubbed across his spine. "And I don't care if I deserve more than you. You're all I want, all I need."

This woman...

Eventually, he stopped sobbing so hard and he just rested his forehead against the crook of her neck, breathing and recovering. Weakly, he kissed the side of her neck in a silent thank you and her fingers stroked through his hair, reminding him that he wasn't alone. Not anymore. He felt like a tornado had just picked him off the ground and deposited him on the other side of the country. Felt like the world was changing and the ground was shaking underneath him.

"Thank you," he breathed, and he felt her nod against the side of his head. 

They never had needed to say more than a few words to understand what the other person was trying to communicate, somehow.