In times of unimaginable grief people will offer their sympathies. I appreciate the fact that they care enough to listen but I'm in a breaking things kind of mood.

By that I mean breaking the routine of grief. I'm sick of living each day as if I were dead. It's not what you would have wanted. This routine has helped me think. Think so much I'm pretty sure I'm just going shit out a book or two. I've been thinking so much I've started to realize things.

Things like going through all this alone is like leaping out of a window waiting for God to come and catch me. He won't. He's got better things to do. I'd just hit the ground while realizing gravity is still a thing.

To tell anyone I'm fine would be a lie. I've gone from needing a shoulder to lean on to staying up all night staring up at the ceiling. Trying to give myself some therapy as if that would get me through depression faster. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked. My pessimism has been weighing me down more than I want it to. Believe me, I'm trying hold onto optimism.

Sometimes I hold on just enough for it to take over and I can hear you knocking on the door asking to come in. I keep telling myself it's not you. Insisting you're not there. And yet...I walk to the door. I never open it but I stand there and look at it. I'm hopeless.

I need to let you go. Yet that depression and grief have been pulling me back to you. I want to break those ties that pull me back. Unfortunately, I'm not strong enough. I'm slowly descending into madness because of you. Then again, you always drove me insane, but that was always a good kind of insane.

I stand here at the door once again. I know not to open it but maybe...maybe you're still there. Maybe you remember our little promise of forever. As time slows, I reach for it. I open the door. There you stood that same smile as always. There was a sad look in your eyes as if you were sorry for everything. For once, I smile.

I let you in and the first thing I do is kiss you. The thing I've missed for so long. When I pull back, I tell you how much I love you. Your smile turns sad and you say you're sorry. Then I realize you're gone. It was nothing but my own insanity fooling me and I break.

Break down and break everything.

I wake up in the empty bed and stare back at the ceiling like I am now.

Repeat.