I hate having to put on a fake smile, having to be who I pretend is myself. Thing is I don't really know who 'me' is. I'm one of those people who hates being themselves and would rather be anyone else in the world. It's just annoying the constant 'you need to be yourself no matter what people say' bullcrap and me constantly just wanting to shout back that I don't know who I am! All I know is I'm pheobe. That's it. Nothing else. I don't know who I am cause I've grown up having to know who others are. Everyone else being more important than the last and my parents arguing my step parents arguing my nans arguing my family's constantly putting each other down and then one of my nans saying how much the other is a pain but then they say the same things about each other to me and I just sit there and listen to them put each other down and putting my parents down then my siblings coming from my nans saying that they were talking about how fat I am or how ugly I am or how I don't do things right or how noone would give a dam if I was to walk out that door and never come back. But then I try and they act like they gave a shit when I was sat there crying after being thrown at the chair or slapped by my nan or grabbed by the wrist and dragged around by my stepmum or being touched in places that I didn't want to be touched by my stepdad or being put down because I'm just not enough. But then people don't care about me or my feelings Ll that matters is them and if their ok. I know most of the people on discord that I talk to frequently care. But then the constant 'come off your phone' or 'your not supposed to do that' is just to fucking much. Oh how I wish that I could just be wiped from existence. No one knowing who I was because people would live life the exact same anyway just with one less problem to hold. Sometimes I will just stare at the wall and try to convince myself that everyone around me are just trying to help and its normal but I know its not and it dosent help anything. Then you have the stupid therapists and stuff that people send you to and it's just reducilus how my mum thinks I'm gonna talk to someone I don't know and who's being paid to talk to me. I know deep down they are probably judging me so I may as well not tell em shit. This whole problem I have is just stupid and I hate it and myself all the time and just want to be wiped from existence to never be seen again.

You would think that after therapy, being sexually assaulted twice, slapped, punched, thrown down and up the stairs multiple times, 3 attempted suicides, then also adding bullying, self doubt and self harm on top of that people would start to realise that I am not okay. But they don't. So I'm writing this. You could just completely ignore it, pretend it never happened I wouldn't mind. Probably wouldn't even notice to be honest.