Pats mic vigorously.

Hello.

Feedback almost deafens everybody.

Oh well, whatever. What's good, everyone? Don't reply, I already know the answer.

So, my successors have been doing a great job so far. Before I start, let me say this. I'm not here to fill in anybody's shoes. My successors decided to speak in the dark, I would like to speak in the ligh–

Light goes off.

Oh, come on. I want to see my audience. I wore a ski mask just for this nawww.

Sniffles in cry baby.

Oh well, seems like I'm going to follow in their footsteps. What a pity!

Anyway, I'm going as far back as the eviction night 😂... It was a pity to see Penreaper prancing up and down the contestants' house shouting, "Hope none of you stole my gold card."

Most times, he'd just space out and say, "I am 001. That gold card is mine." Many of the contestants found it funny and his woman was trying her best to calm him down.

When the gold liner was finally announced as Trafalgar, Penreaper's ego was crushed. I believe he slept in tears that night while The Ascendant held him to her chest. I can swear I even saw him sucking on his thumb at one point. Such a big baby.

Anyway, after the theme for stage three dropped, the house was thrown in disarray. Because what in the freaking hell is children's fiction and nostalgia looking for in that document?

Many of our silent contestants came out to ask questions even, and God bless our head moderator for her patience. Project Pen better be paying her enough. Lol.

For like two days after that, everywhere was silent. Even the noisemakers in the house, like Penreaper (you must always see his name everywhere), The Ascendant, Lioness and Medusa were sober. And believe me, only the judges can shut them up that well.

It's a good thing though, because that's how we learnt that Bowl of Fire was actually a really good divorce lawyer and yellow card advocate. It was like a campaign was going on for all the couples to get an affordable divorce. But it was really fun.

Oh, and I'll let you in on a secret. Bowl of Fire and Man of Steeze are lovers. Didn't expect that, did you? I can hear hearts breaking already.

Cackles in evil witch.

Then came the day of the deadline. Everyone was just anxious, scared, dramatic and all. Bowl of Fire believed her village people were out to get her because she forgot to submit early. If you ask me, I think she was just being dramatic (yawns in sleepiness).

Where was I?

Oh yeah. At this point, Medusa brought the news she had heard while eavesdropping on a contestant. "According to rumors," she said, "next year will be Project Pen's last year." A lot of 'god forbid' followed with the head moderator setting things straight afterwards. Apparently, Project pen is only going to get bigger and better from here on. We'll see.

Smiles in The Joker.

Then Lioness just had to be dramatic and started talking about how she was leaving the house and that hopefully, we'll meet again next year. Deep down, I was happy. One less competition but guess what? She's still here. Dramatic people everywhere.

Sighs in annoyance.

After submissions though, everyone tried to go back to their usual banter but it wasn't easy. They soon started talking about movies and shit. I think they were just trying to take their mind away from the nonsense they all wrote. Unfortunately, I'm one of them.

Laughs in self derision.

Oh, another couple alert. Caesar and Medusa decided to get it on in front of everyone. Can I hear somebody say 'ewww'? Too bad they weren't a good fit. Or should I say too good? Medusa is still heartbroken, I believe. But relationships aren't for the weak and Caesar is a serial womanizer, unfortunately.

The lights start flickering.

I think this is my cue to leave. But one more thing before I go, the judges outdid themselves this time. A round of applause, please. They nearly crippled all the contestants and it wasn't nice at all.

Cries in ekun egbere.

Anyway, it was nice to talk to you all. I do like hearing the sound of my own voice, you know?

Cackles wickedly before dropping the mic on the ground and disappears. The audience holds their ears as Antonio rushes to the stage to pick up the mic. The lights come on.

Seems like Antonio is Project Pen's boi-boi. Too bad everyone thinks he's hot. Oops 😬...