Hi hi my lovely Cribbers , how are we all doing?
I’m sure we’re excited to hear what the Judges have to say about this Faction so, let's begin.

THE REGIME (Team members)

OVERSEER: MAY(DELPHINIUM)
     
MEMBERS:
001THE PENREAPER                 
005TRAFALGAR                    
004JAY                  
003LIONESS

PROMPT: A CLIFFHANGER

I was startled when I woke up, which was surprising considering the deafening silence. Lying on a bed in a room so void of color, I felt like a lone dot on a full sheet of drawing paper.

My head felt heavy and foggy. Was I hungover?

Raising my hand to my head, I ran my fingers through my afro hair when I felt a bald spot at the back. My fingers probed the spot and it felt like a gash was stitched close.

I tried as much as I could to retrace my steps, but my brain felt cluttered. The last thing I could remember was the party. When was that? Last night?

The way my knees and elbows creaked when I swung off the bed suggested that I'd been on that bed a lot longer.

Everything I wore from the bra to the dark green jumpsuit was new, down to the pair of running shoes on my feet.

I glanced at my wristwatch to check the time. When I supinated my hand, the screen of the watch on that side showed my vitals. And on pronation, the other side of the watch showed some kind of countdown. A countdown that suspiciously—considering how long I'd been awake—felt like it began the moment I’d woken up.

I trudged outside and the scenery matched the eeriness of the room I'd just left. The hallways were cluttered with smashed machines, and the floors were strewn with medical equipment and burnt pieces of paper.

I stopped to pick a piece of paper that hadn't burnt completely. Scribbled in bad handwriting were the words, Tracker: Cran—.

On either side of the hallway were rooms—fifteen including mine—with people dressed the same way I was. They were all unconscious and sure enough, none of their countdowns had begun. They all had different times on their countdowns. Mine was roughly four hours.

I walked until I exited the facility. It was large and situated on a hill, surrounded by a dense forest. No way anybody made their way through that. Especially not me.

I searched every nook of the facility but found no one else. By the time I returned, the unconscious people had all woken up.

Who are you?” asked a pretty girl with a mole just above her eyebrows. There was a terrified edge to her voice.

“I'm Sewa. Who are you?”

“Why are we here?” she asked again, ignoring my question. I began to dislike her immediately.

“I think it would be a calculated guess to say she's one of us,” replied a huge man, a stitch akin to mine visible on his balding head, “I mean, we're all dressed the same.”

“Well then, why and how did we get here? And what the fuck are these watches counting down to?” Complained a small wiry man with piercings, “How do we even get them off?”

He began tugging at his watch violently, which caused a high-pitched screech to emanate from the watch.

For some reason, my hair stood on end and my throat dried up. Sure, it was loud and ominous; but something about that sound iced my veins.

“Would you quit that?” I screamed at him but I didn't have to. He'd stopped on his own and stretched his hands as far away from himself as they could go, his face contorted in fear.

The mole girl squatted and began to cry. The big guy behind her quietly walked to the entrance, his face void of emotion.

“Let's spread out and find a way out at least,” suggested a short, fat man.

“There's no use. I already checked the perimeter. There's no direction that isn't a jungle. And—”

“Whoa!” yelled the big guy interrupting me. He held his arm to us, his sleeve yanked back. On his arms, the numbers 003-390 had been tattooed. “I didn't have that done.”

I yanked my sleeve back and there—the black bold ink a contrast against my fair skin—the numbers 005-020 had been tattooed. My brows scrunched. Who could have done this? When? Why?

At this point, everyone was so weirded out and we trooped out of the building and huddled ourselves near the cliff in silence, occasionally interrupted by  the mole girl's sobs.

“So these are the things we know,” I suddenly said, speaking to no one in particular. “We don't remember how we got here, we all have numbers tattooed on our arms, and we all have watches counting down.”

“We also have stitched up wounds on our heads,” the big guy added.

“Yeah. So does anyone know what to do with that information?” I asked again.

They all shook their heads. We stayed quiet again.

Suddenly the guy with piercings stood. “You know what? Fuck this!”

He began to tug at his watch and again it began screeching. This time, he gritted his teeth, refusing to stop. No one asked him to stop, despite the fear in their eyes. Our curiosity had overridden instinct.

Finally, he managed to tear it off. For a whole minute, nothing happened. We were all cheering and about to do the same when his head exploded.

There was quite nothing like watching a man's head explode: the sickening sound, the blood, bone and gray matter.

My breath caught in my throat and I backed away from him immediately. Some began to scream, but I couldn't bring myself to even breathe or speak.

The big guy walked over tentatively and picked up the watch. “It's not working anymore.”

Barely a minute after the small guy died, a whirring noise came from the sky. I looked up and there, four military helicopters thundered towards us.

We backed away, leaving the small guy's body and giving them ample space to land. A couple of men armed with assault rifles sprang out, training their guns on us.

A small bald man also hopped out. He had a slight limp and wore a suit so white, it reminded me of the rooms.

Clutching a megaphone in his hand, he boomed, “Ladies, Gentlemen and Deadmen.”

He laughed at his own joke. “The watches on your wrists aren't a choice as you all have seen. If you want to live, don’t tamper with them. You are to board these helicopters and you will be taken to a place where your cooperation will be demanded. Any questions?”

In the silence that ensued, I observed my surroundings. Most of the armed men stood closer to the helicopter and although they had us at gunpoint, I still decided to risk it.

I was the closest to the forest and the furthest from them. It took a single heartbeat for me to turn and make a mad dash into the forest. I ran as fast as my short legs could allow and faster than my lungs could keep up with.

I was almost out of breath when I stumbled on a rock and ate dirt. Wincing, I tried to get up. A dark chuckle stilled me. I glanced up to find one of the armed men looking down at me.

He cocked his gun and placed it on my forehead. “Practicing? Good, ’cause you’ll be doing a lot of running.”

Commentary: Hmm, let's hear from our Judges.

JUDGES REVIEWS

JUDGE NADIA SULAIMAN

All I know is that I am entering your classroom and all of you are giving me answers, because you cannot come and keep me hanging like that! I command it!

What was going on? Are they some kind of science experiments of some sort? And why would they be doing a lot of running? Okay, Regime. Una do this one sha. But to subtly add, though, I like the way you guys employed the military in your work… since, you know, you're called The Regime. Good story. I'll give you that.

I have a feeling that you guys were dropping hints throughout your story, and I feel it's a story I have to sit down, relax and read again before I crack what's going on. It's like a puzzle. Clever. I would commend the storytelling in this piece. Very spectacular. If you had it as a criteria for your theme/prompt, then you nailed this part. Having a clever story is one thing, nailing it is another. I love how you guys were also able to make us know the personalities of the other characters even as we did not have a clue what their names even were. I commend that too. 

If there is anything I want to add though,  it'll be in the beginning and in the ending. The beginning should have kicked right off with a stunning opening line. You were told to implore a lot of tension and right from the first line, I should have been gobsmacked. I mean, the concept of waking up in a place you don't know is shocking, but it was the presentation of the opening line. It doesn't carry enough weight to slap. There are better ways you guys could have presented that opening line to cause a heavier effect on your readers, yeah?

And the ending? Well, it was a bit unclear to me. Yes, I am aware you were probably working with dropping hints and not revealing everything, but leaving it to the readers to discuss and analyze. However, I suggest there be some clarity when you are pulling tropes like that. Balance the not-telling thing, so you don't end up confusing your readers. Your readers should be asking questions, but not in a state of confusion, but more in a state of shock. Shock as in, they are catching on, and just dumbfounded and maybe even doubting their sanity. Not shock as in they're completely lost. You get?

Nonetheless, this was an amazing piece. I commend the creativity, I can tell you guys are such born storytellers. And, I still need answers sha. Judge Nadia is coming for you people very soon. Wait for me sha.

JUDGE OLAITAN DAVIS

Regime, it seems like your regime in project pen is about to come to an end. That ending wasn't a cliffhanger at all. It didn't make me feel like I was hanging off a cliff. It didn't make me want to jump into my phone and scream and pull my hair out for the story to continue.

The tension? No tension. It was absent.

Do better, Regime.

That's if you all even make it past this stage.

JUDGE NINA OGBEIDE

The prompt said “The story must contain tension in its highest form”, not “confusion in its highest form” because I was just confused all through. Not once was I tensed. How could I when I didn’t even know the character; there was nothing to root for, nothing to pity, and nothing to be tensed about. I could have been tensed if I didn't know the character but I guess the writing style didn't really suck me in.

Also, the ending was really a cliffhanger for me. I must say that you didn't do justice to your theme at all. And if there's anything I must commend, it’s the description and usage of words. That was really commendable.

JUDGE UMAR HASAN

I think you guys nailed the storytelling thing, though. I could see every part of the story in my head, from the beginning when she woke up till the end when there was a cliffhanger. The descriptions were on point and the work was neat. But I didn't know whether or not it was Nigerian. Because it felt like I was watching an American movie until the girl said her name was Sewa. I feel like something about the story, from the beginning, should have shown us it was Nigerian. Maybe the environment. Highlight parts of the environment that will show us it's Nigerian. Also, the cliffhanger was good, but it didn't really slap. Yes, it did make me curious, but that was it. I think a cliffhanger should do more than that. Then the tension in the story was supposed to be more intense than that. It's not like it was zero, but it was on a low—too low. Regardless, you guys did a good job. Kudos to y'all.

JUDGE GIWA FALADE

When I saw the people in this group, I was so elated. I already had high hopes that you guys will deliver a banger story and wow me.

I was wrong.

You guys didn’t wow me. You guys sort of disappointed me.

The theme you went for was number 4 on the list. A story with an epic cliffhanger, storyline must be superb and must contain tension in its highest form. My dears, I didn’t feel shit. No tension, no cliffhanger, nothing. It was just there. Very bland to be honest, and I never thought I’d ever call a story involving Tralfagar, PenReaper and Lioness bland.

First of all, I’m not even sure what the plot was about. A dystopian world? A Maze Runner kinda issh? I don’t know, but that’s not even the point. The point is that whatever you wanted to portray, you didn’t portray it well enough. Or maybe it’s just me.

Also, there was hardly any description in your story. A lot of telling, not showing. I mean, someone’s head imploded and the best I got was—

“There was quite nothing like watching a man's head explode: the sickening sound, the blood, bone and gray matter.

My breath caught in my throat and I backed away from him immediately. Some began to scream, but I couldn't bring myself to even breathe or speak.”

That’s it? Where is the grotesque? The goriness? This isn’t a movie. A movie doesn’t need to do too much. You are writing. You are supposed to paint a very… VERY vivid image of what you are trying to show.

Now, let me rewrite this in a way I think it should have been written.

“The sound was like a melon being smashed open, dull and muted yet disturbingly visceral— a wet, hollow pop followed by a sickening splatter. Blood spewed everywhere, painting the walls and those unlucky enough to be nearby in a deep, sticky red. Bone fragments burst out, some embedding themselves in the wall, others hitting the floor.

The air was filled with the metallic stench of blood and it mingled with something fouler— a smell that turned the stomach and left an acrid taste in the mouth. A low, guttural scream pierced the air, dragging me back to reality, but I couldn’t move.

I stood there, paralyzed, my breath caught in my throat, as the last remnants of what had once been a man’s head dripped down the walls, leaving a trail of crimson and grey.

You seem not to understand that a writer is a creator, a painter. You are supposed to paint a very vivid image in the mind of your readers, and you didn’t do that. And no, I’m not going to take the excuse of “the word count was too small”. That’s not an excuse because other classes asked for an extension of the word count, why didn’t you?

In addition, I’ve said this before… you shouldn’t have two or three paragraphs following each other and starting with the same word. I saw three consecutive paragraphs starting with “I”. It’s not ideal in writing. It gives repetition. Find a way around it.

Honestly, Regime… I’m underwhelmed. You had the winner of project pen season 2 as your overseer and you didn’t take advantage of the opportunity.

Too Bad.

Commentary; That's it guys. Expect the next faction in the next chapter.
CIAO 💫