Welcome to the second activity of

Yes! The moment we have all been waiting for (takes a dramatic pause)

Welcome to the very first stage of Project Pen Season II contest, The Blinds/Veiling.
(Cues in applause and a standing ovation)

Yes, I know we are all excited, nervous even, but don't lose guard because what is ahead is huge.

This is the second batch of the next five contestants' entries with the Judges' review.

Before we go ahead, here's the list of contestants we will be seeing in Batch two:

Nutcracker 008

Thehumblepen 009

Nikki 010

Efin 011

The.mini.asthete 013

Let's begin.. ☀

STAGE TWO

JUDGES REVIEWS

008 Nutcracker

Prompt: "Everyday the same thing keeps happening"

Story Entry:

My life became a distorted collage of pain and sympathy. Like a rip-off Adele mixtape. I was never one to fawn over romance novels or have long phone calls with a soon-to-be stranger.

I had thought that my heart was a black canvas coated in darkness that anyone who dared to come close would be permanently stained by. But I was a fool to think that I was too strong to fall. I had put on my big red nose and white face paint thinking I pulled my heartstrings.

But in reality he made me a jester in my own court. The day after my parents' funeral was when his poems began. At first they seemed to be a prank, the way his words unraveled me to the last detail and had an unwanted smile forming on the corners of my frown.

I tried my best to ignore him but a week had passed and each day like a wind up toy I would receive a knock on my door and a note that rested on my doorstep. But on the fourth day something was different.

With the note came a rose, begrudgingly I pulled open the note to read over its contents.

I have heard of love that rests against a window seal
Hesitant and cold yet curious of what lay beyond its walls.
I have heard of love that rests against the tombstones.
Clutching onto the emotions that other hearts once lived.

I had read the poem at least ten times and my heart beat fast like a distorted orchestra. I had grown curious and took note of the address that was scribbled at the bottom.

I knew better than to meet with strangers but this one whose words seemed to find a home in my thoughts seemed to have me throwing all rationality to the wind.

His directions had me sitting on a wooden bench in the national art gallery as I stared at the soul of a rose painting. It was a depiction of a woman in love searching for her lover over a rose shrouded fence. On the wall beside her were post-it notes left by others.

It piqued my curiosity and I chose to leave my opinion on the painting. "To love you musnt tear down your walls but find a way to scale them."

When I had left I couldn't entirely explain it but I felt much lighter. I didn't know who they were from but I found myself anticipating the next one.

The next came in the evening. It was an invitation to join him at Hilltop grove. It was a known spot for lovers and although I knew nothing of him, I was curious to find out who he was. But to my disappointment when I got there he was absent.

Instead there was a note that rested on the bench that overlooked the city skyline. It instructed me to identify some constellations. I found five in total including Orion's belt and the Big Dipper. It reawakened my love for astronomy, that I had almost forgotten.

The next day he invited me to the beach to watch the sunset and once again it said he would be there. I got there ten minutes early and was shocked to find a picnic set up. Like a clown I waited for him but he didn't show, although I had to admit that the sunset more than made up for it.

The routine went on for a week and each time I received a poem and a rose with him promising to join me but he never did. I began to fall for his words despite my initial hesitance. But words were nothing but paper glue to a broken heart.

On the tenth day he asked me to join him in a dandelion field and I had promised that this would be the last time I would come when he called. His poems had become like opioids to my heart, shooting her with lucid fantasies of a love story that was imaginary.

And as I expected when I stepped into the field I found it empty. I made the decision to simply lay there and smell the flowers. And when I stood up to leave I didn't feel bad that I was letting go of him. Rather I felt strong enough to move on.

My next destination was a hospital, it was near the cemetery where my parents lay. It was strange and for a moment I was curious but I decided against going. I realized I needed him to learn to move on from my parents' passing.

But I didn't expect what I got next, which was a large box at my door. I brought it in as I pulled it open and as usual it had a but my eyes watered at the sight of the polaroids at the bottom. There were different pictures of me at all the dates that I had gone.

I didn't look like the poor girl who lost her parents anymore but rather I glowed. As I pulled open the and began to read. My body froze as the tears rolled freely down my cheeks.

"The Boy Who Stayed Away

It's funny how easily I get attached.
To the way her smile carries her face.
The way she leaves all men dazed.
Even at the funeral when she was detached .

She may wonder why I fell so desperately.
It was like a painter bearing his heart on a canvas.
My heart followed her in orbit till our constellations aligned .
And even when she set like the Sun, I was the moon that followed her steps.

Alex

I know this will be the last I send. Your last location was the hospital where I lay. I hadn't gotten the chance to tell you the truth because while I bared my soul to you my body was dying. You may have wondered when I first saw you, it was the day they told me I wouldn't make it, I had stared out my window for an hour before I saw you saying goodbye to your parents, I had to know you.

I'd hoped my words would heal you so that our 'everdays' would bring us together 'one day'. "

THE JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Jk Rowling

Not bad, but not exactly fabulous either.

The story seemed sweet, and I won't deny that I felt the emotions in it, and could relate to the main character. But, nothing else particularly drew me to this story, to be honest.

Judge Karen Kingsbury

Nah. You didn't start with what was given and that's a big Nah. You know those buzz sounds made in America's Got Talent when the judges say no? Yes, that sound. Imagine it — Nah! I mean, it won't hurt you to start with that then tack "since the day my parents died" to it. But no, you know better.

Too much commas are missing that if I'm to list out the places where they should've been, you will just shout, "Ahh!". And already, your lack of heeding instructions has disappointed me, so I won't waste my energy and show you where it could have been.

Moving on, the phrase "black canvas coated in darkness" and the "come close you would be stained by it" that follows it is just off. It just doesn't settle with me. Also, some words were missing in your work. They just wandered off and you didn't even make an attempt to bring them back, maybe you didn't notice. I will put a question mark in the space the word is meant to be.

You wrote 'As usual it had a ? but my. . . '

A what? Frog? Pillow? Cutlass? Anything could have been in that box. Again, you went on to write, 'pulled open the ? and began to read'. Pulled open the what? The thing we don't know but is meant to be in the box? Look out for words that disappear when writing and fill in the holes to avoid situations like this.

Overall, your words were impressive, you included slight poetry and tried creating an image but you see that your ending? Nah. Alex's POV was just off. What is that? It was so out of place as it didn't help to clarify any issue whatsoever and his last line? Was that meant to be deep or something? You didn't end this well at all. Neither did you start it well.

Judge James Hardley Chase

OMG! This is so beautiful. Not just because I'm a sucker for romance, but because you managed to grip my attention till the very end. I enjoyed this read. You all were asked to begin with "Every day the same thing keeps happening"
I noticed you tried to do that, but that wasn't what we meant. Maybe you didn't understand. To be frank I enjoyed your work, thank you!

Judge Arundhati Roy

I think you were trying to make your writing poetic but you were unable to nail it. Did your plot intrigue and capture my attention? Yes because it's a very beautiful and sad piece. But then, you woefully failed to do justice to the prompt. This entry would have made sense if it was for another prompt but for this one? It's a big miss.

Judge Jane Austen

What's this? I'm not gonna dignify all the things that are wrong about this piece with a long ass exposition. Or maybe I will. First things first, follow the instructions, goddammit. We told you to start with the prompt, you refused. But why did you also refuse to write a good story? Who's Alex? I fit mend you unto this skeleton of a character. No flesh, no muscle. Just name dropped a certain young man and went on to kill him off. So where's my emotional impact? This piece really did look as if very little effort went into it. And nobody picks up random notes and starts going all over town to find spots. Absolutely nobody. People have lives and shit. And your use of literary devices? Stop that. You could do without those weird similes and metaphors. Your desire to impress is bigger than your skill set.

Judge Maya Angelou

I can't quite say I understood your piece. Honestly, I'm pretty confused. Maybe it's the way the sentences were constructed or the way you worded everything, but it was just one big clumsy work. There is something off about the entire piece. Maybe it was the misuse of figures of speech in the guise to have a "deep" work.

The introduction of the "Alex" guy was just there. It wasn't distinct. At some point, I had to ask myself where he came from because you just dropped him on us, and bam! he is having an effect over the character's emotions. Are we just meant to assume how they know each other, what brought about the whole poem and letter stuff?

And yeah, you didn't interpret the prompt at all. You only started with it and left it there. It didn't lead to anything substantial.

Williams Shakespeare

Just a few punctuation issues, but asides yond, ev'rything looks well now. Just a few punctuation issues, but asides that, everything looks okay.

Judge Acton Bell

For starters, follow instructions. Don't be like Balaam. You did not start your story with the prompt! Again, follow instructions! That said, I actually liked your story. Especially the poetry part. It reminded me of some books I've read. There were some typos, mild errors in your use of tense, tautology too: "I had thought that my heart was black canvas coated in darkness..." See that part? Black canvas coated in darkness? Read it again and you'll know what I'm driving at. Anyway, I see potential in you. Just please, learn stuff. Writing stuff.

Judge Jane Corey

Hmmm. The ending was unexpected and shocking though, fine boy like that just died 😭😭😭. I really loved the piece and I flowed well with it. But let me ask, was it every day he kept sending the gifts or? Your grammar was okay but your punctuation needs work. Like where are the commas? I kept seeing full stops but no commas.

Commentator: Over unto the next contestant..

009 Thehumblepen

Prompt: "Everyday the same thing keeps happening"

Story Input:

A day in my life.

Every day, the same thing keeps happening...
I heard my alarm ringing and I turn on my side, wondering if getting out of bed is really worth it. But if I don't get out of bed within the next ten minutes, my aunt will show up and wake me up using the only method she knows; a hot slap on the face. I dragged myself out of my bed and made my way to the bathroom, dragging my feet the whole way there.

"Amaka!" Aunty Chioma screams suddenly "Get out of bed right now! Look at you, still sleeping by eight o'clock."

She keeps nagging as I brush my teeth and I let the sound of my gargling drown her out. It's a daily thing, really. Ever since my parents died and I moved to Abia with my aunt, my day-to-day life has been monotonous and kind of mundane. But that's not the real reason why I'm burnt out and depressed. As boring as everything is, it's also quite excruciating.

After I'd gotten dressed, I went down the stairs and straight to the living room. On school days, work didn't start till six and that gave me a chance to breathe. I could escape from this house and all the horrors I endured in it. But on weekends like today, I wasn't so lucky. As usual, today would be a 24-hour horror movie, with me as the star.

I made my way down the stairs and to the living room, where my aunty was waiting for me. I greeted her politely but all I got was a scowl in return.
"Do your chores quickly and be ready by one." Aunty Chioma snapped before eyeing me disdainfully. "And make sure you're wearing something nice."

"Yes aunty." I said with a nod. We both knew what she actually meant by that. I resisted the urge to sigh and drag my feet as I made my way to the kitchen sink.

***

One o'clock came sooner than I had hoped. The chores weren't my problem to be honest. I'd swept, mopped, done yesterday's dishes and even prepared today's lunch. I was just dreading this moment as I usually did. You'd think that after the first few times, I'd have gotten used to this. I pulled down my way too short skirt hoping that somehow, I could get it to cover my knees. Then, I made my way down the stairs as slowly as I could.

I heard a knock on the door and rushing footsteps as my aunty rushed to open it. I sat on a sofa with my legs crossed, trying to look as confident as possible. My aunty took a glance at me and nodded her approval before she opened the door. I resisted the urge to drag down my crop top as our "guest" made his way inside.

"Good morning, Mr Tokunbo." My aunty said. You could hear the big smile in her voice. "How are you doing today?"

"I'm fine oh hanty." He said in his pathetic American accent. He noticed me on the sofa and his eyes instantly went from my face to my exposed thighs and then, my boobs. My skin crawled with the all too familiar feeling of disgust. I recognized Mr Tokunbo as one of the mechanics that worked at the garage not too far from here. He was also a regular at Mama Yemisi's beer parlour. I shuddered inwardly underneath his gaze and was relieved when he turned his attention back towards my aunty.

"Oya oh aunty," he said in a gruff voice. He shamelessly scratched his crotch and it took all the self-control that I had not to scrunch up my face in irritation.

"You said it'd be fast and smooth." He said with a port hole filled grin "And I can see the produce is fresh and ready."

"She is ready for you." My aunty replied with a laugh. "Go ahead, you already know the room to use." She was referring to the big bedroom, the one she hadn't used since Uncle left us. I got up and walked to the room, Mr Tokunbo following a little too closely behind me.

When we got there, it was obvious that Mr Tokunbo was here for business. Some of my clients liked it slow and gentle, an imitation of what they were missing in their married homes. Others liked it hard and fast with slammed doors, torn clothes and rough sex. It was clear which category that Mr Tokunbo belonged to.

I was going to pull of my crop top when he stopped me.
"No wait." He said "I want to take your clothes off... for you."
Okay creep.

I stood there rigidly as Mr Tokunbo walked closer to me. He pulled off my top and I reluctantly lifted my hands for him. Then, he proceeded to undo the hooks of my bra before eventually helping me out of my skirt. He looked at me from head to toe, marvelled by my naked body and I was unable to meet his gaze. I looked down in discomfort as he quickly stripped down. His sweaty lumps and pubic hair made this experience even more revolting.
I understood why I had to do this every day. Every day, no matter the day of the week, it was always the same number of guests. Six men, all gross, cheaters, completely lustful and filled to the brim with a want that no one could ever fully satisfy. Since all other options had failed woefully, she had no choice but to resort to this. And for me, it was either co-operate with her plans or be out on the streets.

He roughly pushed me unto the bed and proceeded to devour me with his lustful, slobbery kisses. When he was satisfied, he thrusted into me with a sudden force that made me groan in pain. Mr Tokunbo took mistook this as a groan of pleasure and my body's response to his rough thrusts only encouraged him.

"Yes baby!" He shouted "Cum for me Sarah."

Sarah?
But I decided to mind my business. He kept on going, each thrust more painful than the last, till he was finally satisfied. Then, he gave me a final, long and wet kiss on the lips before proceeding to lay down beside me. Relieved that he was done, I quickly got up and pulled on all my clothes, grateful that he hadn't torn any of them.

I held back tears as he put a hand in his pocket and laid out a bundle of notes for me. This is what I had been reduced to, a mere object, just another toy for insatiable men. I made my way out of the room so I could prepare for the next client. This had happened yesterday, today and will happen tomorrow again. It was inescapable, a necessary evil that I had to endure to survive.

JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Jk Rowling

I stand on the notion that this could have been better written with less vulgarity and more word play art.

Judge Karen Kingsbury

Humble pen, I can tell you that you tried in the sense that you used what was given to you to start the prompt like you were meant to. After that, I don't know. I mean, you used the typical waking-up scene to follow it. The good part to that is that it showed a little bit of her reluctance. Other than that, nothing.

It was just drab. The language was basic. You added a bit of humour, by bit, I mean speck. Imagine me holding my index finger and thumb close together with an inch between them. Yes, that. But still, it didn't really help the language, diction, grammar. I had to resort to tautology so you'd get the drift.

Your work was crawling with errors, some very noticeable while others slightly subtle. Let me write out the ones I spotted in no particular order.

Mr. Tokunbo "took mistook" this.

You see the words in quote? You can't have both of them following each other in the same sentence. It's wrong. You pick one. I could say maybe your eyes didn't see it when you were going through this - obviously, it didn't- but then it's not the only one.

It's pull 'off' not 'of'.

'dragged' This word was used in the same sentence twice. Why?! I've been mentioning this thing since. Synonyms. Synonyms! There are other words you can use to replace 'dragged' that will pass the point across. When writing, research. Google and dictionary is not there for decoration.

"rushing footsteps" and "rushed to open the door". I get it. She's in a hurry, good. But I would have still gotten it if you didn't use the word rush in it's past tense and present continuous form in the same paragraph. Synonyms, synonyms, synonyms!

• Paragraphs 4 & 5, if I'm not mistaken, almost said the same thing but it was phrased differently.

*I went downstairs and straight to the living room* and * I made my way down the stairs and to the living room*

How many times did she go downstairs abeg? Look, I get this is a mistake, even some popular writers make it, but this is a competition! You have to be on the lookout for this kind of errors! Repetition in writing ruins the flow of a work. Especially when they are that close to each other.

"port hole filled grin". . .what is that? No, what the heck is that? Port hole?! Wait, did you read through this at all?

Lastly, I want to hope it's what I used to read your work that made it appear as if it was clustered. That there's actually space between the paragraphs. For your sake, let's hope it's what I used to read it.

Overall, reading your work made me uncomfortable. I feel only the ending of the story conveyed what was given to you. And next time, put small warning. I mean, I've read works
that are more detailed than this, graphic scenes and all, but I wasn't uncomfortable. Yours, just rubbed me wrong.

Judge James Hardley Chase

First and foremost, I don't like the fact, I keep repeating myself. Also, I know the moderators made this clear. Begin with "Every day the same thing keeps happening"

If you want to make it far into Project Pen, always take simple instructions and stick to the rules, that said, I wouldn't say I was totally impressed, you tried, but you can do better. In the next stage, I look forward to you doing better, and I believe you can.

Judge Arundhati Roy

You didn't space your work so it was really overwhelming and tedious to read and while your piece is okay and goes well with the prompt, I believe you can do better.

Judge Jane Austen

An alright read, although you should know by now that not everybody does well with explicit content. A very conservative judge would slap a no on it just because of that. You might want to tone it down a little. Also, you gave the impression that weekdays were somehow worse than weekends, but there was nothing to substantiate that at all. I waka, waka, no one, no one. Nothing to back that up in the slightest. Your descriptions are alright, the flow of the piece is alright as well, but I don't think you did a really good job showing us the repetitive nature of your main event. Also, there's a question to be asked, and that's "why does she do it?" Because she understands, and I don't. Why did you do that too? Make us understand.

Judge Maya Angelou

There were a number of things wrong with your work. One of my writing pet peeves was a lack of spacing between paragraphs and dialogues. Your work was too jam packed and muddled up, it got quite tiring to to read.

Another thing that annoyed me seriously about your work was definitely the switch in tenses. You kept switching from past to present and back to past. The second line of your piece started with "I heard..." past tense, then the ninth line you wrote "She keeps... as I brush..." then in that paragraph, you were back to past.

As a write you need to learn how to pick a side, the one you are most comfortable with. If it's present tense, fine; if it's past, okay. Just make sure you continue to flow with it till the end. If not, it makes your work extremely messy.

Your story was okay. I liked it, safe for all the hiccups. By the way, who is Sarah? If the idea was to leave the readers questioning that, then it's not for this prompt.

Judge Acton Bell

I don't know, bro. Yes, the story is relatable to a certain extent, as per it tells us how some girls are forced into those kinds of stuff and all. But man, I think it could have been told better. Or rather, you could have taken a different turn to execute the prompt. Your punctuation wasn't perfect, but it was good. It needs little work. Grammar was also fine. But you could have, overall, done a better job.

Judge Jane Corry

Telling us about how girls get forced to sell out their bodies isn't bad, but you could have explained it better, you get. The third paragraph was different from the rest, if you read the piece again, you'll notice that the piece is written in past tense but that third paragraph was written in present tense. I don't know if you sha understand. It was nice but bland.

Commentator: That was intriguing.. Next contestant coming up...

010 Nikki

Prompt: "Everyday the same thing keeps happening"

Story Input:

Title: Claws, Monsters and Paranoia.

Everyday,the same thing kept happening.

Daniella was trapped in the same recurring dream for two weeks now. Every night, it was as if her subconscious was bringing her back to a world where nothing made sense.

The latest dream was no exception. It was the strangest and scariest one yet. Daniella was walking through a desolate town where the only light came from a sickly moon that cast eerie shadows everywhere. Every house was empty and the only sound was her footsteps against the gravelly pavement.

Daniella felt an unexplainable sense of dread, but her body continued to move forward. Then she saw it. A monster with the head of a horse and the body of a lion stood in her way, it's razor-sharp teeth gleaming in the dim light.

Daniella tried to run, but her legs refused to move. The monster stepped closer, its hot breath brushing against her skin. She could see every strand of fur and each sharp claw as the monster's eyes glinted in the darkness.

Suddenly, the ground gave way, and Daniella fell into an abyss. Her screams echoed into the depths as she tumbled down into the abyss. The monster's haunting laughter ringing in her ears.

As the dreams progressed, they grew more twisted and frightening. Daniella began to see creatures in the darkness that surrounded her. In her third dream, she saw something that she had never seen before: a massive creature, taller than any building she had ever seen.

Its skin was made of dark green scales that glimmered in the moonlight. Its eyes were a fierce, burning orange that seemed to bore right through Daniella's soul. The monster's jaws were open, revealing sharp teeth as long as Daniella's arms. She felt her blood turn to ice as the creature moved closer to her.

As the creature advanced, Daniella turned to run, but her feet refused to move. She felt the cold scales of the monster's claws touch her face, and she screamed in terror as she saw the monster's jaws widen to swallow her whole.

Daniella woke up with a start, gasping for air and drenched in sweat. She laid in her bed for a moment, trying to catch her breath, and listening to the sound of her heart pounding in her chest. She wondered why she kept having this dream, and why it was getting worse every time she had it.

She looked around her room, and she couldn't shake the feeling that the creature was still watching her. The nightmares would continue, becoming worse and worse, until she realized she needed help.

Daniella dragged herself out of bed, still feeling the weight of the dream on her shoulders. She made her way to the bathroom and looked at her reflection in the mirror. The eye bags under her eyes were prominent and the color of her skin looked sickly. She sighed, wishing she could shake off the dream that had been haunting her for weeks now.

As she made her way downstairs to the dining room, the smell of pancakes wafted into her nostrils. Her parents and brother were already at the table, chattering away and enjoying the morning. Daniella took her seat, forcing a smile and trying to act as though everything was okay.

Her brother, Leo, caught her gaze and immediately frowned. "Are you okay, baby?" he asked, his eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine." She grumbled, walking around him to seat opposite him,and next to her father. "And stop calling me baby,Leo."

Leo's lips formed a pout."But aren't you my baby?." He raised his gaze to meet his mother's. "Mother,Daniella doesn't want to be my baby again."

Mrs Edozunor giggled."She's a big girl now."

"Yes," Daniella agreed. "And need I remind you that you're only five minutes older?."

Leo narrowed his eyes playfully. " Can you buy five minutes in the market?." His parents laughed at that and Daniella glared.

"Go away. You're annoying." She picked up the butter knife, spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread,then she licked the knife.

Leo scrunched his nose in disgust. "Dirty girl. I was using the knife!."

Daniella stuck her tongue out. "Go get yourself a new one, crybaby." She didn't say anything else after that. Her family conversed amongst themselves whilst she ate her bread in silence,her mind elsewhere.

She tried to focus on the conversation around the table, but her mind kept wandering back to the nightmare that had shaken her to her core.

Her father noticed her distracted state and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Everything okay, honey?"

Daniella forced a smile. "Yeah, just a bad dream."

Her mother looked at her with concern in her eyes. "Another one? Maybe we should make an appointment with Dr. Jacobs for you."

Daniella sighed, feeling defeated. "I don't know what he could do. It's just a dream, right?"

Her father looked at her with understanding. "Sometimes dreams can be a manifestation of stress or anxiety. Maybe talking to someone could help."

Maybe.

***

After breakfast, Daniella went back upstairs to get ready for the day. As she got dressed, she tried to push the dream out of her mind. She didn't want it to control her day and her thoughts.

But the moment she stepped out of her room and headed to school, the feeling of dread came rushing back. She wondered if she would ever be able to escape the grasp of this nightmare.

But what exactly did the dreams mean?

JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Jk Rowling

I enjoyed this a little, but it could have been better.

Judge Karen Kingsbury

I liked the question posed at the ending, the words preceding it, to be exact. It was about the only thing that sparked interest in me.

Your punctuation needs serious work. Your description is still basic, and I barely noticed any wordplay. The story, if I'm, to be honest, seemed a bit flat to me. But, at least, you were able to deliver something within the time frame given to you.

Judge Jane Austen

Eh? What occurred here? Daniella dreamt and had breakfast, and that's all there was to your story? Alright, let's assume I'm down for that. You don't do anything to make this plotless piece better from any other angle. The diction is juvenile, the punctuation is somewhere between "eweeyyy" and "God please" (why are you adding a full stop after an exclamation or question mark for chrissakes?), and the dream narration reads like a rendition of The Witcher by a 7 year old. A lot of mopup needs to be done, but this is not the place.

Judge Maya Angelou

Your inability to punctuate properly gave me massive headache. For the love of God Almighty, when you use a question or exclamation mark, you don't need to use a full stop again. This is basic English.

Exhibit A: "And need I remind you that you're only five minutes older?." ❌

Exhibit B: "Dirty girl. I was using the knife!." ❌

And please, learn to space out your words if there is a comma between them.

Exhibit A: "Mother,Daniella doesn't want to be my baby again." ❌

Exhibit B: "And stop calling me baby,Leo." ❌

All wrong!

Also, what's your story supposed to be about? I'm not sure I understand the plot, or the general storyline. It was all over the place.

Judge Williams Shakespeare

Th're w're a few punctuation mistakes in thy writing. Liketh putting an exclamation marketh and a p'riod togeth'r, nay spacing in between the comma and the w'rds, some w'rds ov'r spac'd and some not spac'd at all. Prithee, doth cross-check thy w'rk bef're sending. Asides all yond, thy st'ry wast well enow.

There were a few punctuation mistakes in your writing. Like putting an exclamation mark and a period together, no spacing in between the comma and the words, some words over spaced and some not spaced at all. Please, do cross-check your work before sending. Asides all that, your story was okay.

Judge Acton Bell

Come, Nikki, why did you end your story like the first chapter of a book you want to write? Anyway, I wasn't impressed with what you brought to the table, honestly. Your dialogue punctuation needs work. And what happened to your spacing? See ehn, don't overlook the little things. Sometimes, they are actually the things that truly matter. Learn.

011 Efin 101

Prompt: "Everyday the same thing keeps happening"

Story Input:

Everyday, the same thing keeps happening. I feel my body floating, my soul leaving my skin. Sometimes it happens fast, leaving me nauseous while other times it's just, okay. I face this cocoon my soul jumps into every once in a while; it stares at me with this golden-green eyes, and this beautiful skin that has a mixture of browns and gold with patches of black in circles, running over its gigantic body.This process is called Shifting, and it only happens when its dawn and I know from the numerous stories grandma told me that these déjà vu must happen till the final shift is completed.

It is a foul weather in August of ꞌ83 and my grandma, despite the harsh rain, is still outside looking for the herbs I need for my final shift. I clocked sixteen some weeks ago and my turn to shed off my skin has come. My belly hurts but I am not allowed to cry or make a sound. It will only attract attention, and that is the least of what grandma needs at the moment. Regardless, the villagers know! They know what I am and they are coming for me, for us.
I keep twisting and turning on the mud bed covered with nothing but grandma's wrapper.Even with the pain and terror of what will happen next, I can't help but imagine what those beautiful colours plastered on my skin would look like? How those dangerous eyes, and thick skin can make even the strongest soldier to be frightened.

Grandma have been grooming me for this day since I turned fifteen last year and even though she understood the repercussion of this practice in 'Bacho Land' our present resident, she still did what she needed to as our protector to keep our generation running.

She told me about how she escaped the death sentence from her previous village. How the king and the villagers would not let her protect and rear her ancestors,our people.Grandma said the people from her village despised totems, they called themselves believers and worshiped only the true God, but grandma believed otherwise. Her mothers and sisters all worshiped the gods of the Gorgons. She said all the people from her linage turn into Gorgons at various ages and depending on the placement of their birthmark; If you had a birthmark on your shoulder, your shift would come at an older age, if you had a birthmark on your belly, like mine, it meant your shift would come at the age of sixteen, precisely but Grandma is a Keeper, she cannot shift like the others.

So when the king ordered for grandma's family to be killed, she fled away with afewof the Gorgons; some of which were her ancestors and children who had shifted. The king's soldiers killed everyone of grandma's family who were still human and some of the Gorgons as well. Grandma said my mom died the night of the massacre while giving birth to me and before she fled she took me along because I had the blood of the 'Unbeaten', a peculiar bloodline in me that would allow me to shift into the biggest and strongest Gorgon she had ever known.Nowin our new land, after fifteen years of grandma fleeing for her life, 'Bacho' is the safest place she has been, until recently.

Grandma hurries into the hut, all socked and dirty. She must have gone deep into the forest to get these special herbs. "My daughter, it is time." she says, lifting my shoulders slightly away from the bed for me to take the herbs.

"Grandma, I don't feel okay. What if I die while shifting?I am scared." I whisper, casting my gaze to the mud floor.

"My daughter you need to hurry, they are almost here. I need you to shift before they get you. Please do it for your people, for yourself." she cries.
I push myself further from the bed and take the cup from her fingers, waiting for the herbs to dissolve before drinking. She gets up from the bed and starts pacing the room. She looks anxious and I understand why; Grandma wants me to shift before the king's soldiers get here, so I can be ready in case of a fight but I'm scared of taking aperson's life, but I have to do it for grandma, she believes in me.

I place the cup on my lips but a loud, hard sound stops me from drinking.
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!

"We know you are in there you witch! Come out, and bring the girl along with you." A male voice commands from outside, and despite the heavy rain pouring, his voice manages to come out loud and clear.

Grandma rushes to the door, pressing her back against it and motions for me to drink the herbs. I do as I'm told but I find it hard to swallow.

BANG!
BANG!
BANG!

"This is a command from the king. You are not allowed as a stranger of this land to keep such creatures in your home. We have to kill them all and bring you and the girl as prisoners." He says.

I swallow the herbs quickly and run to the big basket of Gorgons and cover them with one of grandma's wrappers and then rush to the door to block it with her. The soldiers keep banging at the door, palm fronds from the roof fall to the ground.The door keeps budging slightly from the force of the soldiers pushing and with another push the door burst open, causing grandma and me to fall.

"Tola! Get her!" a soldier points to grandma.
A scream leaves my mouth as I rush for grandma but my movement is cut short by one of the soldiers. The other soldier pulls grandma from the floor and hits her across the face. I keep struggling with the soldier holding me, but I feel my body starting to sway.

It's my turn.A voice whispers. I don't pay attention to it. I keep struggling with the soldier holding me until my vision starts to shift to green. I can feel my skin starting to get hot and suddenly the soldiers hold on me begins to lessen and finally he lets go. I look at my arm and a green substance is all over it, it feels slimy.

I take a step forward but my legs give way and I drop to the grown.The room suddenly goes quiet. I can feel everyone watching me, watching what is about to happen. I know my body is shifting to the Gorgon's form. A loud scream leaves my mouth from the wrecking pain in my belly. I want to look at my feet but my head feels heavy.

I can hear grandma cries but it sounds far. My vision refuses to focus on anyone or anything.

I try to push my body from the floor one last time, but I hear the sound before I feel it - a cold hard metal connecting with the side of my head.
Grandma screams.

I try to blink, once, twice, but my eyes feel heavy. I finally close them and everything goes dark.

The End.

JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Jk Rowling

Wow! I love this! I don't have too many words to say, but best believe, I LOVE this! I like how the writer stepped outside of the norm and crafted a story that was unique and creative, doing something as risky as dabbling into the mythical/fantasy line in an African themed tale! Brilliant! This story was not perfect, by the way. I wish a bit more imagery was employed and more basis was given, so as to understand exactly what they are and how they came to be. When writing about mere humans, we don't need that info, but when you are dabbling into a specie that is fictional, we need grounds. Solid grounds. Again, the basis. What are they really? Where did they come from? What causes them to shift; how are they different from ordinary humans that they can shift and we can't? Or is it that it's only the MC and her family line that's capable of this? Is that why they're tagged witches? All these questions were left for me to make my own assumptions. You should have given me more basis so that I am better clarified. Sho get? That aside, this story captivated me from the beginning to the end. The suspense was thrilling, and I can tell that the writer is a born storyteller! Good job!

Judge Karen Kingsbury

Your work was different from the usual, so I suppose that's something. You started off pretty well with your punctuations in place and all that. But as I continued reading, I noticed you had issues with spacing. Some of your words were clustered. In some places, even after a period, you didn't leave space before starting the sentence.

Watch out for space. These little things ruin a work for me, especially when they are done more than once in the work. At least, your words were spelt right, we thank God. The ending was slightly unexpected seeing as she died. It's good you didn't go the usual way. The work did not wow me sha.

Judge James Hardley Chase

Good storyline, it's beautiful how you created something like that. My only issue was grammatical errors, some of the words got cluttered, for example, "comehere" This happened a few number of times. Next time, before submitting your work, go through it carefully and properly.

Judge Jane Austen

Le sigh. I'm so disappointed by the turn this story took. It had the making of something good at first, but wtf happened to it later? I have no idea. You should've focused on the process, the Shifting, and what it does to the main character. You see, in flash fiction, when you shift(🌚) the focus away from your main character, you end up adding a ton of useless characters, like all of the villagers and kings in this story, for example. Talk about how the Shifting affects your character. Is there a particular ordeal to be scaled? Do they become two-spirited? Do they end up as an anomaly with the head and torso of a serpent and two human legs? Even if you'll talk about the villagers, they wouldn't take up so much space. Then you close everything up with a one-shot climax like a Shifting so powerful, lightning flooded the skies or rainbows lay on the ground for your character to glide out on. As it stands now, the main character has taken an iron cudgel to the side of the head, and that's it. Also, exactly how many ancestors and descendants is Grandma watching over inside one basket? I don't know if you read a lot of fantasy, but powerful creatures like that would not be small-sized, and would definitely not be reliant on a feeble aged lady to be their getaway driver. But if she's not feeble, where did you say that? You only said Keepers can't shift, not that they possess super strength. There's a lot, and I could keep going. But even I am tired at this point. I'm very pained at this waste of a perfectly good plot.
I'm not going to touch on your grammar issues, especially that spacing, because I'm sure someone will.

Judge Williams Shakespeare

Thy story is quite quaint. We don't receiveth to see much of african mythical stories, so this is very much valorous. However thither wast a few problems. Imagery. I wast very much trying to picture the gorgon creature in mine headeth, but the picture wasn't very much picturing. I desire thee can doth better on yond. Eke, some of thy words wast did join together which did maketh thy story almost sore to did read. I knoweth not if 't be true the error wast from thee or from thy device. Nay matter what, at each moment thoroughly cross-check thy worketh ere sending. Yond shouldst beest all. Valorous job.

Your story is beautiful. We don't get to see much of African mythical stories, so this is really good. However there were a few problems. Imagery. I was really trying to picture the Gorgon creature in my head, but the picture wasn't really picturing. I hope you can do better on that. Also, some of your words were joined together which made your story almost difficult to read. I don't know if the error was from you or from your device. No matter what, always thoroughly cross-check your work before sending. That should be all. Good job.

Judge Acton Bell

Ah, I see you like Medusa. But where's your spacing? What happened to your punctuations? And your grammar? I get that you were trying to do Nigerian fantasy, but the thing didn't do oh. If you want to get better at this kinda thing, you're gonna have to read far and wide. Period, ma.

Commentator: That was lovely... Let's move on...