Welcome, Cribbers to another session of the JUDGES REVIEW!

This batch is quite different from the other two, because we get to see a Triple threat match.

Who's excited???

Without wasting time, let's introduce our contestants.

015 Thechocolateteen vs 025 Tsuki

016 Madamfierylove vs Aurelius

018 BlueN'Grey vs 022 Sneakycougar

019 Pink vs 020 MoonlightArtist vs 021 Star

STAGE THREE

JUDGES REVIEW

Let's welcome our first pair. Give it up for...

015 Thechocolateteen vs 025 Tsuki

015 Thechocolateteen

Story entry:

Under the dim lights of the rated eighteen Cafe, Clementina sits. Her right leg, which balances over the left, bounces again and again; scrolling through tik tok can't stop the yawn from leaving her red lips. The hairs standing erect on her skin has her adjusting her blue fur coat over her exposed shoulder.

Noting his absence, Tina takes her iphone up once again and texts, her fresh nails hitting the screen hard. It's a surprise the glass holds no scratch when her thumb thumps the send button.

Oyindamola, what the heck is keeping you? Abi lightning strike you ni? She sends.

"So you hate me this much?"

If every strand of hair on Tina's back eventually fell asleep when she covered her shoulder, they're definitely awake now. Oyin's voice is thicker than blood, sultry like he's been hiding deep in the VIPs lounge, sipping on some chilled alcohol.

The lie rolls off Tina's tongue as easily as a child down a slide. "Yes, abi are you just knowing?"

Oyindamola's heart thumps hard against his chest, but he pushes all the negative thoughts away from his head. Eleven years of postponing, procrastinating, and holding back ends today. He's going to do it.

Looking down at his phone, the various tips forwarded from Telegram channels by his homies into the Encouragement GC they'd created for him, Oyin hardens his resolve.

Tina can't hold in her eye roll when Oyin sits in front of her. She has to do it anyway, always been doing it since the first day she met him. It's obvious Oyin is earning more than enough cash to sustain a family of fifty as his cologne greets her.

Thankfully, the scent doesn't irritate her nose buds-nostrils. A green light. Things might just go as planned for Oyin...maybe.

"Do you have a map?" Oyin says, his dark eyes not meeting Tina's wide ones as he's beckoning on a waiter.

Clementina stares blankly. Part of her knows he's about to start one of his random, stupid jokes. If she had known, she'd have gotten ear muffs handy to piss him off.

"What map? Why'd I have a map? In this Nigeria, Oyinda."
Oyin shifts in his chair. The waiter he called knows them both, and the guy witnessing this failed attempt will definitely not help his image.

He curves his pink lips into a one in a million smile, though his heart is unusually beating too fast. "I just got lost in your eyes."

Cringe,but not bad.

"You are not even looking at me." Tina says.

How does she know? Oyin thinks to himself, when her eyes are on the waiter, the one who does bodybuilding but works in the pub as bait for customers. Never has there been a time when Tina was in his presence and she wasn't the centre of his world's gravity.

"I don't need to look at you." Act cool. Oyin brushes the thoughts off. They never take each other seriously, so it's not going to change after he asks her out on a casual dinner. "You're lost in m-I'm lost in you. Your eyes. So I'm-like-"

Iyanu cuts in, his lips tipped up in a smirk. "Let me guess...he's saying stupid again."

And he's also being weird about it.

"No, I'm-"

"Do you have a map?" Tina cuts Oyindamola short.

Iyanu tips up Tina's little chin, bringing his face closer than Oyin appreciates. "Because I just got lost in those lustrous, blue eyes of yours."

"Aww," Tina stylishly moves her head backwards. It's a shame to note that Iyanu's mouth smells nothing like his looks. "Thanks for the compliment. I got the contacts shipped from Germany."

"Oh, really?" Poor Iyanu humps up his drawing board chest-another sad thing to note is his gyming sessions never work out for him. He thinks he's scored a point in Clementina's book, on whose note holds only one person's name. The person in question has a unibrow now, and his emotions swirl along the lines of anger and jealousy.

"Yes." Tina's perfect, gap teeth show as she fakes a smile. If Oyin brought his cologne bottle with him, this has to be the perfect time to spray it. In the air, in Iyanu's mouth, on Iyanu's working shirt...anywhere!

"Dude," Oyin slapped Iyanu's shoulder to take Iyanu's eyes off Clementina. "I'm going to have cold beer and the tastiest fried chicken."

"Long day?"

Oyin scoffs. Since when are they on that term? "Just get my order, please."

"And my bae in blue?"

It's the audacity to smile for me.

"Same," Tina says.

"Eh?"

"Same thing with Oyin."

Iyanu doesn't ask again but proceeds, with the order in mind, to get what the two friends wanted.

"What?"

"Nothing." Oyin scrolls through the Encouragement GC, not dwelling on what played out just now. Or not. "So, it's Bae In Blue now?"

"Are you jealous?" Tina leans in, her two melons doing a show for Oyin who finds it hard to maintain the necessary composure.

"That's your new name now?"

"That's not my name."

"So, what's your name?"

"You-"

Oyin plays the next move-suggestion. "Ok, no name. So, can I just call you mine?"
"Oyinda, what's wrong with you today?" Clementina nervously chuckles into her palm, hiding her set of teeth in it. "You don't joke this way. This isn't you."

"That's because I truly lose myself when I'm with you." He sits up in the chair. The chatter of people in the background plus the soft music calms his nerves. Now the actual courage is here, he can continue.

"Oyindamola Odunayo."

"Present." Oyin lifts his hand, an infectious smile on his handsome face. Each muscle is placed in a way to outline his blessed facial features. "That's my name which you can bear any day any time."

"Are you serious?"

"If-I...if I was actually serious, would you give me a chance?"

Iyanu comes in, takes out their order from the trolley and places them on the table. He smiles at Tina, "What are we talking about?"

"Drop the food and get out."

"Blue, what about you?" Iyanu ignores Oyin.

"My name's mine-not to you. Never call me blue. It's not like I'm from Winx Club-I know her name is Bloom, shut up, Oyin. And, Iyanu, go drink some mouthwash or something."

"Wow-I-I...I'm heading to the back." Iyanu stutters, the shock getting to his throat. "The food and drinks is on the house!"

"Are," Tina corrects when Iyanu is far away from them.

"You were harsh, y'know."

"But I had to tell him." Tina scrunches her nose as she pops a can of beer open. "Tens of my nerve endings died when he spoke to me up close. I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Savage, as I like it." The words slip from Oyin's mouth before he knows it. We're supposed to be taking baby steps here. Oyin points at the fried chicken. "Um, shall we?

"Repeat what you just said."

"What part?" Oyin is forking his chicken.

"Everything."

"Savage...as I love it."

"So it's love now?" Tina's voice is almost a whisper, like a shaky breath. The question holds meanings, the mere weight of it tenses the air.

"Yes."

025 Tsuki

Prompt title: A Contestant's Predicament.

Story entry:

Writing is NOT easy, especially writing a story outside your comfort zone.

Writing it as an entry for a contest, with a word limit and a deadline, is more challenging.

Comedy is one genre way outside my comfort zone. "Isn't it just to write what will make others laugh?" you ask.

LMFAO. Oya nu, go and write Papa Ajasco. Ojigbijigbi. Or Akpan and Oduma. There's also MarkAngel and Xploit Comedy. Ew. If the judges of your work are like mine, with the inability to laugh, very stuck up and have no joy, eiyaa. Ndo. Sorry.Ebere gị na-eme m.

"It's the way I'm seeing you in the red line." I rolled my eyes at the Voice who was laughing.

Do you know the most painful thing?
'Comedy' doesn't even elicit a chuckle from
me.

I don't know about you oo. Maybe your sense of humour is topnotch, unlike mine. My idea of 'humour' is what made a dead man take cyanide. Le sigh.

"Le sigh," the Voice echoed.

So I am staring at this blank page, [im]patiently waiting for inspiration to come, as I had been doing for the past five days. Meanwhile, my sister is asking me for biscuits. I'm torn in between finishing the last piece of the one in my hand and breaking it to pieces so she'd go away.

Choosing the former was a mistake. I watched in absolute horror as she lunged at my face with those claws for fingernails. I, the attacked, wasn't even screaming as much as she was.

"I'll tell my mummy for you!" she screamed.

"It's my biscuit!" I screamed back at her, "and she's my mummy too!"In a bid to get the five year old off my body, I threw my phone on the bed to avoid hurting her with it. That was a bigger mistake. I watched as my phone bounced to the edge of the bed and bounced off it.
Slap! The sound was more deafening than my sister's banshee-like screaming.

"Lol. Banshee. That's your sister oo." At that moment, I didn't care.That crying child became the least of my worries as I scrambled off the bed, not caring if I hurt her. I picked up my phone and tears pooled my eyes as I stared at the device. Half of its screen was blackened as if there was an oil spill. My reflection on the darkened screen looked pathetic.

"Eiyaa, Ifechi sorry," I heard the Voice say while laughing. How was I going to tell my parents that my phone was spoilt? Because I threw it off the bed.
I could imagine my dad's face. I'd be dead.

"Ife what happened?" I shot her a death glare. The Devil used this child to ruin my phone.

"Ife－""Nike, I swear if you talk to me again, after what I'll do to you" －I fumed－ "you'll hate me till you die!"

"Ah, take it easy oo." I glared but figured that I couldn't glare at a voice in my head and let out aloud exhale. I wiped the tears threatening to fall and looked at the wall clock. It was 3:59 PM.

I had 8 hours to write and submit a reasonable story. "With a broken phone." The Voice was right. How was I going to do it?

I recalled the last message in the general group by one of the admins. It was all laughing emojis. One of the judges even went ahead to say he was the Batman.

"Lisa's husband, abi?" I could here this thing cackling.

"Hey, more respect. I'm not a thing." Successfully ignored. Another judge said we should have fun writing because she would have so much fun judging the stories. Where's the fun in this? Shaa, the tips were worth it but still. The contestants weren't even finding it funny, except a few AGBAs and ODOGWUs who knew what they were doing.

"Ife your phone is black. Nothing is showing." F*ck this kid. I snatched the phone from my sister and sent her out of my room. For the second time since it was bought, I thanked God I had a laptop.-11:30 PM and I only had four hundred and seventy words. The only words I could think of were rude and very impolite cusses I was itching to put down. The spirit of the Lord was holding me back from doing a lot. If I even wrote it, what would they do? Come and beat me? LMAO. I laughed.

"Eviction dey." Yeah...You had to remind me, didn't you? "The way they won't even put your story ehn... You'll just hear that you have twelve hours to leave the house, not even twenty-four."

Nice one. Mtchew.11:45 and I had reached seven hundred words. Wasn't that a miracle? I should have broken a world record sef. I was on fire, typing with the speed of lighting, and ignoring the burning pain on my wrists and my heavy eyelids. All the coffee I Had drunk wasn't doing anything.

"I think you should stop, Ifechi." I ignored the discouraging voice. Anyone who tells me to stop right now is an agent of the Devil.

"I rebuke you in Jesus name," I said.

"You're up against a constant green liner. I mecha ife a, and you don't make it, haven't you wasted your time?"

"Get thee behind me!" Eight hundred and fifty words. Who dey!

"I will make it!" It was a declaration of faith. No one could stop me, not even the Devil.

"You won't at this rate. You don't even know what you're writing!"

"The Devil is a liar oo. Satan oo, run". Flee from me as I have resisted you!

"Ifechukwu, stop. This might be the last thing you'll ever write if you don't stop. Worse, it was total bullcrap." God forbid.

"Have mercy on your wrists for Christ's sake!" Was I complaining?" With Baba God, I go make am oo," I sang and I winced at my voice. It came out hoarse, and not the sexy-male-lead kind of hoarse.

It was the when-was-the-last-time-you-had-water kind.

"You sound like a bullfrog in the Sahara." I rolled my eyes. F off!

I saw the nine hundred words and I smiled. 11:50. The Lord is good! "All the time, yeah. Now stop." I ignored the Voice. A few more paragraphs and I'd be done.

"Yeah, you'll now use what, seconds, to edit, ba? Oshey!" I should have asked for the premium package when I got this. No ads or interruptions whatsoever. I heard a scoff and rolled my eyes again. At this rate, my eyeballs could roll off their sockets.

"Done!" 11:55, no 11:56. I saved the document and hurriedly clicked on the WhatsApp icon on the desktop. One minute of loading felt like hours. I breathed a sigh of relief when the document was sent. The time and date changed on my screen at that moment. 00:00 AM

"As I predicted, you forgot to edit." *inserts eye-roll.*
-
Batch F Judges Reviews
Contestant 111

I scrolled to the bottom of my entry where reviews were.

Judge 1: Mechanical accuracy: Hmm. Organisation: Hmm. Grammar: LOL

Judge 2: *laughs drily.*
You heard the Voice cackle. "Ifechi, pack your bags. You're going home."

End.

Glossary

Ebere gị na-eme m- I pity you.

I mecha ife a- If you finish this thing or When you finish this thing

Commentator: That was quite a read😂👀 Let's see what our Judges have to say.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

015 Thechocolateteen.

'Oyin's voice is thicker than blood ' -This thing is not. . .I don't. . .what? What is this?

Your story made me chuckle a bit. So, that's a good thing. However, it feels very incomplete.

025 Tsuki.

Tsuki, you're not well - I mean this in a good way. Your creativity -that word again! - was top notch in a devious way. When you're revealed -eventually - you'll have to tell me, did that actually happen to your phone? And the writing stuff?

Overall, you tried. Really. The work seemed error free and was nice. I laughed, thank you. ✨❤

JUDGE ARUNDAHTI ROY

025 Tsuki

Very funny and creative. I love it ❤️🫶🏽

015 Thechocolateteen.

Not impressed.

JUDGE JK ROWLING

Goddamit.

_Sigh_.

Look, I don't know where to start, but first off, Thechocolateteen...

See eh, you write well. I'd give that to you. By your username, you are a teenager and judging through your technical literary skills, I will have to commend you on knowing how to pull off writing. However, I will have to say... through my observation in Project Pen, you don't seem to be well versed on how to properly deliver a given genre or theme. Maybe it could be that the ones we have been working with is not your forte, but I think this is a challenge you have that you need to understand. Having basic skills as a writer is good, knowing your power in writing is even more spectacular, but look, to be an impeccable writer, you must be ready to challenge yourself. In a competition, you MUST learn to push your boundaries and execute well.

Look, you have good plots, I will give it to you. But as a contestant in a contest where a given theme or genre is asked of you, we expect something from you. And what you gave us with this entry... is not exactly it.

You're a good writer. A great one, to be honest. However, I am sorry to say it, I am not sure if you are ready to be the last man standing yet.

025 Tsuki.

Tsuki, I have so much to say about you. I can tell you are a creative... but you don't push yourself enough to want to show me that you can let your execution match your creativity. Have you noticed that I gave you a consecutive NO in the last two stages? Do you know why? I see potential in you, but goddamit, potential is useless when there is no effort to push or work harder.

Tsuki, you are NOT putting in any effort in this competition.

I'm sorry to have to say it. First off, your work is messy. Very messy. I can tell the direction that your story is going actually makes sense; it's a good plot that you ruined with a messy work.

The disorganization, lack of word play, scattered dialogues, unnecessary caps and use of exclamation voice, not to talk of the way the inner voice of the MC just made the work look even more disheveled due to the lack of ability to neatly present it. Presentation in general was zero. This work looked extremely rushed.

If there is one thing I put Thechocolateteen over you in is neatness of work. Go through their work and see the difference between their organization and yours.

I don't know if you were rushing, like your story seemed. It could just be fiction, but if you were truly writing up your own experiences, then that's a shame. I don't understand why you would even want to wait to the last day to get on to a work. If, like I presumed, is just fiction, then it's an even bigger shame. Why? Because you had enough time to employ more creativity in your work. A girl writing last minute, for example, could be struggling with typos and word mix ups, and you could show us this by being creative with your word choices and work presentation.

Now, I am not saying you go and stack up your work with unnecessary typos that make it hard to read, but there are very creative ways to show some of your unfortunate experiences directly into your writing itself, without making your work messy. That's why you are a writer. I will attach a sample work from one of our Judges 'Shrugs' for you to see how he was able to show forth his experience into his writing and not make it look disorganized or unprofessional. I will attach an image to my review.

Your work was messy and I am certain it was not going for this effect. If it was, you failed woefully at it.

I am not impressed by any of these works.

JUDGE WILLIAMS SHAKESPEARE

015 Thechocolateteen.

Valorous job✨

Good job✨

025 Tsuki.

True, true, thee f'rgot to edit thy w'rk. I liketh the bant'r between ifechi and h'r dram sist'r though.

True, true, you forgot to edit your work. I like the banter between Ifechi and her little sister though.

JUDGE ACTION BELL

015 Thechocolateteen

There was no coordination in your story. You completely lost me. Omo. And was the humor supposed to be in the part where Iyanu had bad breath? Yeah, it wasn't funny. Your story was all over the place. Please, learn how to arrange your story. And also, learn story pacing.

025 Tsuki.

I only chuckled. And that was it. You tried with your punctuation sha. But learn this: there's a way to find the em-dash and en-dash on your phone, okay? But no be me go teach you that one. Idk, man. Your story didn't quite do it for me, but yeah, it was fine.

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

015 Thechocolateteen.

That entire first paragraph was weirdly written. The construction of the sentences was just... excuse me, but it was wack. And the entire move confession from Oyin came off as cringe. Maybe you meant it to be funny, but it was like a pubescent preteen trying to woo a girl in Jss 2. It was rather annoying, if I'm being honest with you.

025 Tsuki

This was meant to be creative, but I think I've seen about three entries similar to this, where y'all used project pen as a case study. I think reading similar stuffs has diminished the creative part of it. Now it's just... there.

Good jab on the judges though. That was a good one.

Commentator: Give it up for our second pair.

016 Madamfierylove vs 023 Aurelius

016 Madamfierylove



Prompt title : NEPA PALAVA.

Story entry:

Life they say is a ...

Oh wait! were you expecting me to finish that?

My dear sleep .
Oya I am serious now let us dive in to the story .

Are you still angry ? I said I am serious, now I will start.

I will never ever deny the fact that I am lazy . I am a proud lazy man , though, the saying goes : No food for a lazy man but I Denrele Adela must eat .

I woke up this morning, sat on the bed and began to ponder...

You people should wait first . It is like this is not even the story , I think I just mixed it up wait let me go and look for it .

Voilla !!!

I found it!
The end of Nepa light is the beginning of all hilarious moments.

I sat down with my guys: Bola, Chidi, and Hazeez, chilling and watching a horror movie on Netflix. We were sandwiched together on the three-seater chair, focused on the movie we were watching. However, I was in pain because I was the only one sitting on the chair with half bum bum. They did not even seem to notice because their sole focus was on the TV.
We were on holidays and decided to use that opportunity to visit one of my aunts, Aunt Labake. She had gone out since 5am and left the house to our care.
Our focus from the television soon became disrupted when the power went out. "Ehnn, NEPA don do am again," I exclaimed. (Nepa has done it again)

Turning to face me, they all chorused, "What happened, guy? Why did you fall down? Were you already sleeping?"

Still fuming I listened , as they grudgingly mumbled an apology. Unsatisfied, I hissed loudly.

"Guy, where's the matchbox? We need to light the candle," Hazeez asked.

"I don't know! I forgot to ask Aunt Labake," I exclaimed worriedly.
"Let's try to find our way to the kitchen and see if we can locate it," I suggested.

We all began to crawl, using our hands to navigate around until we finally found the kitchen after successfully bumping our heads against the wall several times.

Upon reaching the kitchen, I searched frantically, ransacking drawers and cabinets like a crazed squirrel,desperate to find the elusive matchbox even in the dark. As I haphazardly tossed things aside in the dark, Chidi, Bola and Hazeez hovered nearby, pelting me with questions.

"Should we check inside the bathroom?" Hazeez stupidly asked .

"Why would the match box be inside the bathroom? Hazeez I need you to at least reason sometimes" I screamed angrily at him.
"Eureka!" Chidi shouted. "I've found the matchbox!"

"Yes!" I exclaimed with joy. "Light the gas, Holy spaghetti! the candle is nowhere to be found. What a wretched day this has been! The gas must have been empty, for it won't turn on. But alas , the matchbox was empty like Hazeez's brain , leaving us stranded in this pitch-black kitchen.

Jehovah Nissi who did we offend today?

As my mind raced, a brilliant idea flashed through my head like a lightning bolt. 'I've got it!' I exclaimed. 'We can use the toaster as a makeshift torch!' Hazeez gave me a skeptical look, but I remained undaunted. I eagerly grabbed the non electrical toaster I had managed to find while moving my hand aimlessly round the kitchen cabinet, removed the bread, and shoved a few sticks of dry spaghetti into the slots.

With a mischievous grin, I pushed the lever down, and lo and behold, the coils began to glow like a beacon in the darkness. The light dim, but was enough to help find our way in the dark. We huddled around the toaster-torch, cautiously making our way to the living room. Suddenly, we heard a sound from the corner - a faint rustling noise.

"Did you guys hear that?" Bola whispered in a trembling voice. "It sounds like something's moving over there..."

Chidi's voice cracked with fear as he rambled, 'I can't die now!

"'Is this how I'm gonna die? I haven't even graduated secondary school or given my life to Christ!' Chidi panicked. '

"I can't go out like this, man!" Hazeez chimed in, equally terrified."

"'Don't worry, I got this!' " he said, putting on a brave face. "I've played enough video games to know how to handle this." Hazeez declared, brandishing the toaster torch like a knight with a flaming sword.

Bola and I exchanged skeptical glances, but we inched closer to the ominous corner, hearts pounding. The sound grew louder... and then, we saw something move...

As we crept towards the corner of the living room, the sound grew louder. Suddenly, we saw a movement, and a very small figure stepped into the dim light. We gasped in unison, only to realize it was just a rat.

Phew! I thought I was going to meet my maker today .

We sat down on the closest chair , taking deep breaths to steady our nerves.

"Well, guess we can scratch 'possessed kitty attack' off the list of things we thought might happen tonight!" Chidi joked, earning a chuckle from the group.

"Phew, thank goodness! I was about to pull a full-on scream queen!" Bola added, eliciting more laughter. And just like that, the mood shifted from tense to relaxed. "

"'I'm starving! Let's go check out the kitchen!' I proposed, and off we went like a trio of prunes in search of a snack.

Holding a gallon of palm oil in his hands, "What can we do with palm oil now? Should we just lick it ? Bola asked .

"Boom! Bola trips, oil spills everywhere, plates and kitchen gear go flying, and we're all cracking up at his goofy, splotchy shape!

The oil had stained a part of his face and his hair is specked up in different directions making him look no different than Lord Danbury.
A giggle-fest ensues as we roll around in the greasy mess, faces and hair covered in oil. I suggest a sliding competition, trying to entice my friends with a wink.

Chiidi shoots back, 'You look like a pregnant chinchilla!'

Then, BAM! Chiidi joins the floor party as we yank him down, sending us all into hysterics. Giggles, snorts, and shrieks echo through the kitchen!"

We were drenched in palm oil from head to toe, looking like a pack of oiled-up wrestlers!
I asked, "How on earth are we gonna wash this off? Palm oil is the soap killer!"

Hazeez replied with a shriek, 'I don't even wanna know! This is too fun! Nepa (the electricity provider) can stay gone, our wits are saving the day!' The kitchen echoed with laughter as we realized the absurdity of our situations

"Up Nepa!!!"

"As the power flickered back on, we whooped and hollered, until... Aunt Labake appeared in the doorway, looking like an angry goddess about to smite us.

"Good evening ma," we squeaked in unison.

Our own have finish!!! We go explain tire no evidence .

But before she could respond GBAM! she slipped on the oil slick, crashing to the ground, her white gown soaking up the oil like a sponge! The sight was enough to silence our laughter, and we stood there, mortified at what had just happened."

In a frantic dash, we sprinted out of the kitchen, through the living room, and out into the street, tumbling and sliding like a herd of drunken penguins! We were screaming
"Auntie Labake will kill us all because of Nepa "

Passersby took one look at us and ran in terror, thinking a group of oil-slicked madmen had escaped from the mental hospital!

The whole neighborhood erupted into utter pandemonium as people fled from the sight of four men coated in palm oil, screeching and sprinting down the street like a band of escaped asylum patients. It was absolute chaos, as if a slick oil spill had unleashed a riot!

023 Aurelius

Prompt title: The Preacher

Story entry:

There's a preacher in front of me, wrinkled and bloated like a sausage that somehow found its way into a washer. A man bitter at his age and the golden circle of faithfulness on his left hand. A broken promise that shattered his wife and engulfed his ministry like flies on rotten mangoes on hot afternoons.

In a rage darker than the poorly sewn kaftan on his shoulders. His voice breaking with self righteousness he bemoaned the ills of youth. His eyes brimming with manic rhapsody, boring into mine. He vilified the charms of youth. Pedestalizing the merits of old age and imposed bachelorhood.
Convincing no one of his echoed lies. Those he consoled himself with. Lies of his own courage and acumen packaged into a sermon. He made the congregation pull double duty as his eulogizing barbs.

Pacing up and down the gilded altar. Skipping in a failed parody of the young charismatic Pentecostal pastors plaguing our town. In perfect piety the congregation humoured him. Showering him with weak laughs and empty smiles.

Congratulating his aged members on escaping youth. Encouraging them to celebrate their imminent expiration. He cited and misquoted verses from the scriptures to make his point. Finding obscure passages and forgotten characters to castigate youth.
He spoke about Belial, Cain and Absalom. Children of deceit. Pausing to look at me any time he mentioned on of the bad boys of the Bible. He conveniently forgot to include Samuel, David and Jesse in his geriatric propaganda. Refusing to believe youth was
amoral.

Seeing him like this, his skin etched with the wrinkles and mistakes of his past. His head speckled with liverspots and hairless as an egg. His fingers gnarly and aching from arthritis. Back crooked like a tired whore's. One would believe he dropped from heaven a broken elder.

Lost in the fervor of his own words, arthritic aches forgotten. In an effort to prove true strength came from God not youth, he jumped down from the altar. Predictably like a besieged castle in an earthquake he came crashing down.

Assuming he was making a point of the fallibility of youth. The devotees sat in shocked silence. Watching him make a mockery of himself. Confused as to whether to clap or cry as he tried in vain to pick himself up. They did a bit of both still believing he was committed to his role.

It wasn't until the microphone strapped to his chest picked up his real groans of pain did they shout our in discordant cries of lamentations. They stood up and went running helter skelter like a witch was discovered amongst them. I knew there was no way they could help him. They were also in the same state as he was.

His minions running away from their broken god like ants whose queen was found missing. I walked towards him. Not letting the dead bury the dead. I knelt beside the broken man and tried putting Humpty Dumpty together again.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

016 Madamfierylove

The beginning of your story looked promising. There was me thinking, "Okay, let's see where this is going..." In fact, my lips were twitching, and then...wanna know something? Everything just blacked out the way it did in the story. Your punctuations were also all over the place like the palm oil. And the laughter stirred in me is synonymous to the content of the matchbox that was found. Just in case it wasn't clear, you stirred nothing in me.

023 Aurelius.

You got your description going for you. There I was, hypothetically biting my nails in anticipation, my chin resting in the cup of my palm, waiting to be amused and like a fellow Judge said 'find the literal comedy'. I just want you to know I'm still finding it.

JUDGE ARUNDAHTI ROY

016 Madamfierylove.

Hmmmm.

023 Aurelius

Hmmm hmmmm.

JUDGE JK ROWLING

016 Madamfierylove.

I had to go back and see why your work slapped me uncomfortably and I figured it out, so I will point it down with questions.

1) Why do you space out your commas like that?

Is it an error with your docs or is it you that decides on your own to do spacing championship? Which comma will have the most space in my work?

2) In primary school, I was thought to start my sentences with an upper case letter. You don't even need to be a writer to know this. So, Madamfierylove, give me one good reason why some of your sentences started with lowercase letter? Answer me before I lose my temper!

3) That thing you do where you mix up (') and (") in the same dialogues... Stop it forever.

Forever!

What's that?

Was this work edited? Were these typing mistakes? The unnecessary spacing too, what happened? Were these typos? Or did you genuinely feel that this is how your dialogues should be presented?

Lemme show you an excerpt off your work. Just wait.👇🏾

Chidi's voice cracked with fear as he rambled, 'I can't die now!

"'Is this how I'm gonna die? I haven't even graduated secondary school or given my life to Christ!' Chidi panicked. '

"I can't go out like this, man!" Hazeez chimed in, equally terrified."

"'Don't worry, I got this!' " he said, putting on a brave face.

Na copy and paste I do o.

You see am, abi you no see am?

See eh. I'll be honest with you. I think you have reached your bus top in this competition.

If you get evicted after this stage, work on these things, for God's sake. Ike gwuru.

023 Aurelius.

Short and simple. Your writing style is so good, you're honestly so talented. Too talented. I didn't laugh however and I'm not sure you nailed the genre, but your writing impressed me too much and I guess it made up for it... a little.

JUDGE WILLIAMS SHAKESPEARE

016 Madamfierylove.

Palm oil of all thingss!😭 not wat'r, not coequal groundnut oil. I can't coequal beginneth to imagineth the mess and damageth done!😂 thy spacing, i receiveth what thee w're trying to doth with yond parteth, but at least reduceth t a did bite. Once again madamfi'rylove, thee has't did impress me! keepeth this up!❤️ *special kisseth from shakespeare to you*

Palm oil of all thingss!😭 Not water, not even groundnut oil. I can't even begin to imagine the mess and damage done!😂 Your spacing, I get what you were trying to do with that part, but at least reduce it a bit. Once again Madam Fiery Love you have impressed me! Keep this up!❤️ *Special kiss from Shakespeare to you*

023 Aurelius.

Nay. Just, nay.

No. Just, no.

JUDGE ACTION BELL

016 Madamfierylove.

MFL, what in the name of Oreos did you bring to the table? Ah! Because tbh, I'm beginning to wonder if it was really you who wrote your last stage's entry. I thought you'd learned writing stuff.👀 Wetin sup for this stage na? Omo. I have no words for you expect this: I am HIGHLY disappointed.

023 Aurelius.

Hm, Aurelius. Figures, you'd have to take a deeper look to see the humor in this. Although, I didn't laugh, I think I get what you did with your piece. Like I said before, your style is enthralling. And this time, it reminded me of Edgar Allan Poe. I've read a story of his that kinda mirrors your style. But then, this stage isn't all about pretty writing. Something was missing. I don't know what, but it was missing. Anywho, I guess I liked your story.

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

016 Madamfierylove

Madam, it's like we are back to the zero point with you.

That beginning was meant to be a what? Poem? Because I didn't get it. And who just randomly screams "Eureka"? And Holy Spaghetti? Am I supposed to be rolling with laughter?

Also, even after several corrections on punctuations and two notes sent to you guys, you still don't know how to use punctuations correctly? Do you have a fetish for the apostrophe? Because you just use them uselessly and unnecessarily.

Your story was really hard to read. I'll use a word is used in Stage one. It was a mess. And God forbid I start schooling you on the uses of punctuations because we have made it so goddamn easy for you lot!

Aurelius.

I'm sorry, what?

What was with the overuse of full-stop for God's sake?

You misused the period punctuation in every single paragraph you wrote. Every single one. What happened to your comma? Did it disappear from your keyboard? I'm not going to tell you where and where you should have used comma instead of full-stop because, like I told your counterpart above, God forbid I start school you people on how to use punctuations.

READ THE NOTES SENT TO YOU!

And please, what's supposed to be funny about your story? Was it the Humpty Dumpty reference, vacates that wasn't even necessary. It's so obvious you didn't take this stage seriously. You didn't put effort.

Commentator: Let's have our third pair. Give it up for...

018 BlueN'Grey vs 022 Sneakycougar

018 BlueN'Grey

Prompt title: Chat with Derin

Story entry:

August 18, 2023

Where are you?

I'm gping home.

What do you mean home? You're drunk...

That's wgy I called asn Uber...
I wint get lost that way

You idiot...
We had girls' night at your house!

Agfhh
Where am I goimg then?

He had had a very bad day and was already in a bad mood. He didn't need this drunk lady giving him any more problems.

"Where are you going, miss?" He asked irritatedly.

"The next building, please," she slurred.

Dayo was very pissed.

"Please, get the fuck out." He spat.

"You wanna fuck? Ewwww. Such a pervert. I'm not interested mi-"
She couldn't complete the sentence before she fell forward and puked all over him.

"What the f-"

She had passed out.

********************************************************

Dami woke up with a pounding headache.

"Shit. I'm never drinking with the girls' again."

"You really shouldn't. You become very stupid when you're drunk."

"Oh my God! What the fuck?!" She screamed.

She was about to go on a spiel of insults when she saw him.

"Shit, he's hot."

"Durrrhhhh."

"Can we go back to your place now? I need my pay."

"What do you mean my place? Did you forget I'm your wife?"

********************************************************

"Damn guys. You really needed to see him. He looked so fineeee. Like Adonis but in human form. He had washboard abs, I really wanted to do a bodyshot on him." She gushed.

Dami turned around to look at her friends. They all had earbuds in and were busy on their phones.

********************************************************

Chat with Dayo

August 23, 2023

Good morning bubu

What the?!
What do you want woman?

Can I come to your house, we subtract our clothes, add a bed, divide our legs and multiply?

Jesus...
What is this?

Come on bubu...
I know you want it

I'm not doing this with you.
Bye!

Awwww. Is bubu shy?
Hey!
Come back!!!

August 24, 2023

Good morning, my love.
It's a good day to profess my love, don't you think?

Hey! Don't me on read!!!
I'll cry.

August 25, 2023

I can't find my key...

And you are telling me because?

It's with you.

??

The key to my heart. It's with you.

*facepalms*
Of course, I should have known.
Bye.

Awwww. Don't go...

August 27, 2023
-

Dayo was worried. She hadn't messaged him for two days. He tried to deny it but he found her very cute and he had grown quite fond of her and her weird pick up lines. He was about to make an impulsive decision he hoped he wasn't going to regret.

Chat with Dami

August 27, 2023

Wanna go on a date tomorrow?

*******************************************************

"It workeddddd!" She screamed as she ran around the house in nothing but her pjs.

She had been checking her phone every five minutes since she was advised to stop texting him.

"Hard guy in the mud. He fell for my charms."

*******************************************************

Hoes b4 Bros except Dami

August 29, 2023

Damzzzz: EMERGENCY!!!
SOS!!!

RED ALERT SITUATION!!!

Derin: Why are you shouting?

CeeCee: 5 dollz its about her Adonis

Damzzzz: I don't know what to wear!!!
I'm going to cook for him and I need to look hot while cooking for him.
We should christen the kitchen

CeeCee: Bitch!

Derin: We really didn't need to know that.

Damzzzz: Whatever...
You hoes are jealous anyways

Derin: You are the real hoe, y'know that right?

Damzzzz: Whatever...
Lemme joor
You guys should help me an

CeeCee: Wear the outfit you wore to the club on your birthday and that barbie apron we got you.

Damzzzz: Perfect
Thanks ml
Bye

Derin: Daughter of Zion is gone

CeeCee: She was actually never a daughter of Zion

Damzzzz: I CAN SEE THAT!!!

*******************************************************

Dayo was in the midst of getting ready for his date when he had his doorbell go off. He opened his door and couldn't close his mouth.

"What? Cat got your tongue, bubu? Well, let me in."

She was going to strut in but she missed a step and fell.

"Oops, I think I fell... I fell for you." She winked.

"Wait, why are you here?"

"You said I should bring sugar, some spices and sauce. I didn't know which spices so I brought thyme, nut-"

"Wait, what? I said I was going to take you to Sugar, Spice N' Sauce?"

"Oh... Ah... What about my outfit then?"

"Oh shit."

"How about we go do that multiplication, bubu?"

022 Sneaky Cougar

Prompt title: AISLE DO

Story entry:

I thought the grandeur fascinator atop my soon-to-be in-law's head would hide me, but the woman kept straining, almost tumbling out of her chair to look at her son. He smiled as he strutted down the aisle, decked out in a charcoal grey suit which hugged his-as much as I hate to admit-impressive physique that could give 007 a run for his money-or at least a brisk jog.

Bloody Hypocrite.

His groomsmen, all in white crisp suits, followed behind, grinning as if to make their presence known to the single ladies, and I'd have been one of the ladies acknowledging their presence if I wasn't in hiding.

A warm gust caressed me, finding its way into the open tent. The scorching sun had absorbed every wisp of cloud, leaving behind an expanse of unwavering azure above the tent.

I don't know what I was doing here. I don't know why I spent almost two hundred thousand naira to act like a thief.

Hypocrites. That was the word that hovered on my mind. I had chosen a seat among the groom's relatives, seeking a bit of seclusion and concealment. Yet, I found myself overhearing Samson's mother proclaiming Iyin wasn't worthy of her son and I had to chuckle at the wryness.

A pin drop silence enveloped the whole tent as the drapery of the tent glided down. Subdued orange lights lit one after the other, illuminating both sides of the aisle as an instrumental of a song began.

It was like the world had hit pause, my twisting insides stuck in a knot. My hands damp from sweat which seemed to be gushing out of my skin pores. The sun's scorching rays had nothing on the heat radiating from my forehead.

I made to remove my hat to fan myself when the man beside me spoke, "Madam, is everything okay?"

With a nod, I adjusted my shades, pressing the dark frames down over my eyes, pulling my hat's brim forward as I huddled into my seat; almost supine.

I heard the soft shuffling of chairs as people rose from their seats, murmurs and hushed conversations intermingled, tempting me to just lift my shades and peek.

I fought to restrain myself from standing. The tent glowed with the flash of cameras and my patience snapped like a rubber band stretched too tight.

In one swift motion, I was on my feet joining the rising crowd. My body vibrated so hard I had to hold the chair in front of me where Samson's mom sat. Her slender model-like leg came into view, and I knew when I see her face, that same paralyzing weakness I'd felt six months ago will resurface.

Today she'd walk down this aisle and meet the stupid person at the altar. And I'd let her.

"A person that is adamant to stay lost can't be found," my internal mantra echoed in my head. I held onto those words every time I yearned to intervene or take action that'll remind me of those two words.

I squinted through my shades, trying to decipher Samson's expression. He wore a smile, the kind that anyone would consider normal. But that smile, that sinister nonsense, fueled a rage far greater than my perplexity about why I was even here at this wedding.

She came in fully, her dress flowing gracefully behind her and my breath seized. The corner of my eyes prickled. I couldn't help but imagine a different reality, where that day never happened, where I wouldn't have seen anything, where we'd walk the aisle in sync; hand-in-arm.

Iyin looked straight ahead, at the altar, at that bastard's beaming face.

I spotted something on his face, "What!?" I blurted out, unable to believe my own retinas. I snatched off my oversized sunglasses as if they were the culprit behind my astonishment. And there it was; those soulless eyes now showing signs of moisture.

The man beside me gave me a wary glance before inching his seat slightly away, as if worried I was a mad person.

Just when I thought I had seen it all, my eyes met my mom's whose slacked mouth told me my inconspicuousness had driven head first into the mud. She mouthed 'Are' with a questioning yet mocking smile.

Just yesterday, I had staunchly declared that I wouldn't attend this wedding as she pleaded with me to change my mind, to at least tell her why.

I shifted my gaze back to the altar, diverting my frustration of being caught to Samson. His smile faltered as he stared at Iyin who had halted midway down the aisle.

A hush fell over the place. Iyin's dead eyes bore into nothingness.
Her body appeared fossilized, a rigid entity, her eyes seemingly lost in a world of contemplation. Amidst the murmurs of 'what is this girl doing?' the choice was simple: walk away.

Think girl, think.

Our mom walked over to her, saying something, yet Iyin remained unmoved. As the music ceased, the murmurs turned to chatters. Friends, relatives, all gathered around her, but she didn't acknowledge them; her gaze stayed locked on him.

I shifted my attention to him. His jaw was clenched, eyes slightly narrowed in what appeared to be intensity or a bombastic side eye. And then, unexpectedly, I burst out laughing.

Ridiculous! That look might stir something in Iyin but it only cracked me up. That had been the look he'd given her that night as I lashed out on him, although afraid he might hit me too; but kept shouting, calling him names, jumping in his face until a more piercing scream had stopped me.

"Get out!" Iyin had screamed right in my face for trying to defend her. For a moment I couldn't fathom what get out meant, so I stood by the door just staring at her bloodied face until she shut the door on me. I had dropped her gown on their couch and left; and through the daze, shared a joint with some old men at the train station.

Samson went to her. I could see his clenched teeth as he said something in her ear. He held her hand in his and I saw her wince.

When I was sewing Iyin's gown, I was fitting the button when the needle pricked my finger, there were these few seconds that passed before I registered the pain. This was what happened now, like a quick, intense flash, and without warning, she exclaimed.

"You bloody son of a bitch."

Her words were met with the collective gasps of the guests.
Samson's mother slumped in her chair, which came back towards me. I pushed it away as I hobbled out of the seating area to the aisle.

I don't know how my heels left my feet because I was jumping on the balls of my bare feet as I hyped an enraged Iyin.

"You think you own me. Ko ni da fun anybody that told you that."

More gasps filled the air fuelling her rage as she offloaded a barrage of venomous insults, some veering off-course like stray bullets at his mother and aunts.

I was a laughing and sweating mess, my heart racing as I grabbed Iyin's arm, pretending to pull her away from Samson. With a well-timed nudge, I guided her stumbling steps right into him. She latched onto his collar, her fingers curling into a determined grip. The shock on Samson's face was priceless-he resembled a drenched rat caught in a storm. It turns out my money wasn't wasted after all.

She was panting heavily when she finally ceased her tirade. She picked a glass of wine from a waiter's tray and took a sip from it.

She looked at me, I blinked and she nodded. She cleared her throat, "A toast to a wedding that ended before it began."

She held the cup aloft, its contents shimmering with a deep red hue, teetering dangerously close to the rim. Samson's eyes widened in alarm as he realized her intentions, but it was too late.

JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Maya Angelou

018 BlueN'Grey:

What's this? 😒

022 Sneaky Cougar:

I'm not sure what your story is supposed to be about? I'm not even sure what went down at the wedding. Is this your idea of a comedy?

Judge William Shakespeare

BLUE N' GREY 018

I almost did close the document almost halfway in. But i just hadst to finish reading t. Thee madeth t this far only to cometh and giveth us this thing at this stage. Whatev'r thee didst th're, t's t'rrible.

I almost closed the document almost halfway in. But I just had to finish reading it. You made it this far only to come and give us this thing at this stage. Whatever you did there, it's terrible.

SNEAKYCOUGAR 022

I bethought this stage wast about comedy. So wherefore wast i humour so much tension, instead of humeth'r? alloweth me asketh thee these questions. As thee wroteth this, didst t seemeth comical to thee in any way? didst this coequal receiveth a chuckle out of thee? or thee knoweth not the meaning of humeth'r?

I thought this stage was about comedy. So why was I feeling so much tension, instead of humor? Let me ask you these questions. As you wrote this, did it seem funny to you in any way? Did this even get a chuckle out of you? Or you don't know the meaning of humor?

Judge Acton Bell

First off, Blue N' Grey, the asterisks you put in your story were blinding. Kilode? And bubu, really? I don't know what your story is, but I know it wasn't funny.

Sneaky Cougar, I don't understand what was supposed to make me laugh in your story oh. Anyway, this is good writing. But then again, this is project pen. And good writing isn't just enough to make you win.

Judge James Hardley Chase

018 BlueN'Grey

Hian! Far from comedy.

022 Sneaky cougar

Hmmn, was this supposed to be a comedy?

Judge Arundhati Roy

BlueN'Grey 018

Another hmmm. You people won't kill me in this stage.

Sneaky Cougar 022

No words.

Judge Karen Kingsbury

018 BlueN'grey

At first, I started reading your work with Phoenix browser, then I saw mistakes and groaned because sometimes the app adds what's not there to a work so I switched to another app and then still saw the SAME mistake. So, I said, "It can't be."

The mistakes in the beginning after using two different apps to read your work should have given me sign not to continue. I'm sorry but I wish I listened.

I can't. . .don't even know where to start correcting from so I won't. I would leave it to the other Judges.

022 Sneaky Cougar

Good descriptions but I was waiting for the part that would make me laugh.

Judge Jk Rowling

I guess this pair was okay. However, one advice to Blue N' Grey? Be careful when you add simulation of text messages in your work next time, it can easily make your work messy.

And SneakyCougar, I like you. You're going far in this contest fr. I didn't laugh o, but I guess I smiled a bit.

Commentator: Now, unto the triple threat match. With a clapping ovation, let's welcome...

019 Pink vs 020 MoonlightArtist vs 021 Star

019 Pink

Prompt title: KELVIN IS KELVIN

Story entry:

"Like the croak of the frog in the early morning, And the chilling breeze that blows from the north; my love for her is unimaginable."

He had been staring into space while we gisted before suddenly saying that.
We paused, trying to understand what he had just spewed out.

But of course, it was a futile attempt.

"Kelvin, that doesn't even make the slightest sense." I eventually said.

"Strange... cause everything makes sense when she's near." He sighed, propping his elbow on the locker and resting his chin on his palm, making himself look like a lovesick puppy.

If anyone else had said that, it would have been cute. But this was Kelvin we were talking about. He is in love with every girl in our class and SS2 except me.

"Awww," Arinze cooed sarcastically. "Who is it this time?"

"My one and only love; Amara." The way he said her name made me cringe.

Impulsively, we turned to the direction he was staring at, looking for his so-called love.

"You really don't have to look too hard. She always stands out from the crowd."

"Ogbeni, shut up." Arinze said, smacking Kelvin upside the head. "Let's find her first."
We did find her immediately since the class was half empty. Most of our classmates were loitering around as they usually do each morning.

"Kelvin..." I trailed off as I squinted at 'Amara'. "I don't think that's Amara." Arinze and I burst out laughing.

Kelvin hissed. "What? You think I'm stupid? That's obviously Amara. I know that curvy body anywhere."

Expect Kelvin to ask if you think he's stupid then say something stupid right after.

"Guy, that's Amaka O. Just because she's not facing us now. When she turns, you'll see that she doesn't have a beauty mark." Arinze tried to explain to the boy in Love but Kelvin was... well, Kelvin.

"Her beauty mark... it's exactly what its name says. It makes her even more beautiful than her twin sister."

"That's not Amara! You're doing this again."

"It is, guy! How can I mistake my babe for someone else?"

"How did you mistake her the other 7 times? Toyo, abeg help me talk to this guy."

"I don't know what you want me to tell him again. He'll realise later."

Then Kelvin did the most absurd thing.

"BABE! AMAR- " Arinze and I quickly smacked our hands to his mouth before he could finish calling Amaka...well...mostly his mouth.
Somehow, my pinky slipped right into Kelvin's nose in the process of shutting him up.

"Eekkk!" I snatched my hand back and vigorously wiped it on Kelvin's trousers. "Bro, what the f*ck naw?" While I was utterly disgusted and displeased, Arinze and Kelvin found it funny.

"Who send you? Next time let me call my babe in peace." He said in between his laughter.

"It's not even that funny."

They stared at me, looked at each other then doubled over in laughter all over again.

I waited for them to finish their nonsense.
"It's how she thinks her glare is scary." Arinze said after they were done.

"For real- where's my babe sef?

"She's right here." We turned to look at the source of the voice. I guess we weren't able to stop Kelvin early enough, because in front of us stood the twin as she was making flirty eyes at Kelvin, her smooth face devoid of any birthmark.

I looked down at Kelvin mockingly, then looked at Arinze the same time he turned to look at me. It took a lot of willpower to not burst out laughing then and there.

"Hahaha." Kelvin let out an awkward laugh as he scratched his nose before clearing his throat. "Amaka, you're here."

"Of course. You called me." She twirled a single braid around her finger. "I'm glad you did anyway. Are you finally over my sister?" She leaned towards him.

"How will I explain this? Hmmm!" He placed his hand on top of hers. "Amaka?" She hummed in response.
"I may never get over your sister, but of course, I still have time for you. I mean, I can always be shared." He said the last part with the most flirty Flynn Rider smolder ever.

Amaka snatched her hand away, unsurprisingly."Why can you push aside your stupidity for once? Just this once. In a situation like this-"

"I've already pushed my stupidity aside."He defended.

"When?!" She asked, bewildered.

"...I don't even remember. But anyways, do you still like me or are we done here?"

"Is there something wrong with you?!"

Amara had entered the class at that moment, though none of them noticed.

"Apart from being a girl magnet, no. But that might as well be something right, shey?"

Amaka slapped him.

"F*ck you Kelvin. I'm never going out with you if that's how you're going to be." She stormed off causing her bosoms to bounce in front of her like wild gazelles.

Amara, just seeing the end of the incident, mistook the situation.

"Nawa O. Girls are so confusing." Kelvin muttered, rubbing his cheek.

"You don enter another one sef." Arinze said, staring in Amara's direction.

When Kelvin saw her, he started rambling. "No, no, no, it's not what you think, babe. I don't like her. She just misunderstood the situation. Babe, I don't want her. I want You!"

"And why would I care?" She said with the most bored look on her face and started walking away.

Kelvin rushed to her and knelt down in front of her, begging her. She tried to sidestep him but he held onto her ankle.

"Kelvin! Leave me alone naw!" She whined.

"Forgive me?"
She rolled her eyes to prevent herself from smiling and continued walking with Kelvin still attached to her leg, dragging him along.

You know when you finish doing your hair at a salon and you want to leave, but there's literally attachment everywhere that keeps getting stuck on your leg while you try your best to get rid of it but mostly fail? Yes?

That's basically what Amara and Kelvin were portraying.

With the way everyone was laughing, you'd think Kelvin would be embarrassed, but no. He didn't even seem to notice everyone watching them. That's one of the very very few things I admired about him.

...It might just be the only thing.

He does whatever he does without caring what people think or wanting to impress them. That confidence and nonchalance was one of the things that drew girls to him.

It had such a strong pull that they overlooked the rest of his undisguised flaws.

But hopefully, one day, Amara will admit her feelings for him. Maybe then, Kelvin would have a bit more sense.
But till that time comes, Kelvin will continue being Kelvin.

020 MoonlightArtist

Prompt title: HIGH ON LOVE

Story entry:

"I am married."

That singular statement had me turning to its source in confusion.

"Could you repeat that again, sweetie?" I asked as calmly as I possibly could.

"I am married, Mummy," she repeated.

I blinked once, twice, trying to wrap my head around what my seven-year-old daughter just said. She looked so happy, so sure that she is what? Married?

"Roli, who are you married to?" I just had to ask. "To me? Or to your father?"

"Eww!" she exclaimed, her face contorting in immense displeasure. "I will introduce him at the right time."

And just like that, she turned happily on her heels and skipped out of the kitchen.

What in the world?

"Roli," I called her name, already wiping my wet hands on my apron.

She answered back, "Leave me alone, Mummy."

Ahn! Me?

I rushed out of the kitchen to see her getting water from the dispenser in the hallway. As soon as Roli sighted me, she scurried away in the direction of the living room, her favourite drinking cup in hand.

"I don't have this kind of energy o," I muttered to myself.

Soon enough, I caught up to her before she could dash up the stairs. Blocking her path, I said to her, "Explain what you told me in the kitchen."

Her face scrunched up in annoyance as she gazed at me with big doe eyes.

"You will become an old woman if you keep up with that."

Instantly, she dragged a long sigh and 'arranged' her face. Taking her hand, I led Roli to the nearby sofa.

"Oya, tell me."
Her fingers picked at the beaded material of her gown as she sulked, looking like she would burst into tears at any second.

"Tell me na," I coerced, nudging her a bit.

"No" - she sniffled - "you are ruining the surprise."

Hoor.

I could only gaze at her in perplexity. I didn't know if I should take this seriously or if I should let her be. Probably, she would reveal him at the 'right time' like she had said.

"Fine. . ."

Her lips stretched into a cheeky smile to reveal missing front teeth.
"But," I continued, "daddy and mummy have to know who this guy is by dinner time, okay?"

Urowoli nodded meekly as she absentmindedly used her index finger to stir the water in the cup.

"Promise me, sweetie," I said.

As per habit, she took my little finger in hers and said, "Pinkie promise."

I smiled at my little angel, "Good."

Afterwards, I returned to the kitchen to continue with the necessary arrangements while she went upstairs to carry on with whatever it was she had been doing.

Hours passed and soon enough, it was nighttime.

As we sat down at the table to eat, I told Roli to pray over the meal.

"O Lord, allow us to eat my mummy's jollof rice well. And, let my daddy not forget to give me small of his plantain again,"

I couldn't help but chuckle. This girl and food.

"We ask this in Jesus name," she concluded.

"Amen!" we chorused.

"I see how you attacked me in your prayer, Roli," commented my husband.

Roli blatantly ignored him. Her sole focus was on the juicy chicken thigh on her plate.

I laughed, "Don't mind her."

Halfway through dinner, I brought up the issue.

"Sweetie, tell Daddy what you told me this afternoon."

My husband glanced at me briefly when Roli blushed deeply.

He asked, "I hope all is well?"

"I only told Mummy that I'm married."

Her father gasped, "What?"

"You people don't believe me!" she cried out.
I held her immediately to calm her down. Side-eyeing her father, he plastered a faux smile on his face.

"Who is the person, Roli?" he asked.

"My Mali."

I parroted, "Mali?"

"Don't call him Mali, Mummy," she got all defensive, "He is my Mali. But you can call him Malachi."

She suddenly took my phone from the table and after a little bit of scrolling, she put it down.

My husband and I exchanged glances again before I clicked play. The young white boy in the video - whom I vaguely recall seeing somewhere but I couldn't quite remember where - was waving into the camera, a big smile on his face.

"It's me, Malachi Barton," he announced. "Thank you so much for being my fan. I love you and I hope we will remain together for a very long time."

Then there was silence. A good five second silence after the short clip had ended. Roli still looked at us gleefully and that was when we lost it.

Our laughter rang out, throughout the house; my husband's and mine. I could feel the hot, relief-filled tears run down my cheeks as we laughed to our hearts content.

Of course, our daughter hadn't understood what the poor boy meant.

"You see" - she giggled - "we are married."

I had to inquire when my laughter had subsided a bit, "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Only married people say I love you. And that is what he told me, so that means we are married na," Roli analysed.

"No, baby," her father corrected. "He didn't mean it that way. I am sure Mali" - her stink eye cut him off - "I'm sorry, Malachi, was just thanking his millions of fans for supporting him."

Urowoli only stared on in disbelief, her eyes starting to gather tears, "You're wrong, Daddy. No one else knows my Mali. I am the only one that knows him.

"He only loves me." she stated with all assurance.

Amusement was what my husband and I felt as she sulkily walked out of the dining area.

021 Star

.We were all running out of the classroom, screaming and making disgusted sounds, pushing each other, as we all tried to force our way through the door that could only allow two people at a time.

Someone had farted... Again.

I managed to exit the classroom with my fingers still wrapped around Delani's arm.

"What the hell is wrong with these people?" he grimaced, walking at a pace I found difficult to keep up with. "Just put others into consideration for goodness's sake."

We got to one of the empty classrooms that my classmates were starting to fill up. I turned the knob, pushing it open.

"Let's sit there," he pointed to the empty double seats at the right end corner, pulling me with him.

"Delani, how far?" A classmate called, causing us to turn in the direction of the voice.

"I dey vex," he said lowly, massaging his forehead lightly.

"Wetin sup?" The other guy that I couldn't seem to remember, asked, walking towards us, both hands buried deep in his pocket.

"Guy, why person go just dey, open nyash, drop that kind bomb!?" He pinched the bridge of his nose in utter frustration.

The entire room erupted with laughter, some holding on to their bellies, others doubling over. And there was Emem that always does too much, crawling on the ground.

It was how Delani was able to say such a thing with a very straight face.

"But this thing isn't funny," the anger in his voice still very evident. He continued walking until we got to the seats at the back of the classroom, settling down.

"Delani, relax," I rolled my eyes, tugging playfully at his arm.

He let out a short hiss, taking out his books from his bag, stacking them on the table.

"Yo, Kez!" He called out to the light skinned girl at the other end of the classroom. "Can I have your economics note from last class?"

She nodded, her lips moving in sync, but we couldn't hear because of the deafening noise that filled the air.

A few seconds later, she was walking towards us, swaying her hips aggressively like a hippie walking on hot coals.

"Hey b," she wiggled her fingers at me, batting her rake looking artificial lashes profusely, an exaggerated smile spread across her lips.

I feigned a smile and she averted her gaze to Delani almost immediately.

"Here you go," she said giddily, holding out the book for Delani, and just when he was about to take it, she moved it towards herself, away from his grip.

"Or," she drawled, biting on her lower lip. Her attempt to look sexy failing immensely as she ended up looking like a four year old begging for sweets. "I could just write it for you?" She dragged on the last word, making the entire statement to sound like a question.

"Ugh, no, thank you. I'm fine on my own," Delani replied in a bored tone.

"Alright," kez said, dropping the book on the table, turning around to walk away.

"Hold on," I called out to her, the fake smile never leaving my face, causing my cheeks to hurt badly.

"There will be no need for this," I announced, picking up her book from the table and handing it to her.

"But Dedun..."

"Don't Dedun me," I spoke through gritted teeth, cutting him off aggressively.

"Bitch," she murmured, yanking the book from my hold, giving me a stink eye before hopping away like a kangaroo out of our sight.

Annoyed, I started to gather my stuffs. I hung my backpack over one shoulder, storming out of the classroom.

"Didi, hold on na," he called out when we got to the hallway, the sound of his footsteps indicating how closely he was trailing behind.

"Dedun,"
"What!?" I screamed out, increasing my pace "Just leave me alone, abeg."

"Just hear me out," his voice dropped below an octave, like he was tired.

"I don't want to hear you out."

On cue, he grabbed my wrist, causing me to halt. "You're so stubborn."

I spun around, turning to face him. "Leave me alone or I'll bite your nipple," I threatened, my anger intensify as he let out a short laugh.

"Tell me why you were flirting with Keziah?" I accused, resting my free hand on akimbo.

"I wasn't flirting with..."
"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I don't..."

"You always do this!" I pointed my finger in his face, poking his nose repeatedly. "Tell me why you didn't ask for my own note?"

"My bad," He replied almost immediately, apologizing. "I'm sorry, you weren't in the last class, that's why."

"I've told you to stop talking to all these periwinkle girls in this school," I said, my lips tugging up in disgust, causing a low chuckle to elude his lips, a wide smile playing on his lips.

He spread his arms, urging me to walk into his embrace. I took a step forward and the ground split open, causing me to fall into a deep dark pit.

Screams eluded my lips as my eyes shot open. I sat up on my bed, bobbing my head to the side.

It was all a dream?

JUDGES REVIEW

Judge Maya Angelou

Bunch of Mehs 😑.

Judge William Shakespeare

PINK 019

This is really good.

This is very much valorous.

MOONLIGHTARTIST 020

Roli is so ad'rable 🥺🥺

Roli is so adorable 🥺🥺

STAR 021

I und'rstand not

I don't understand.

Judge Acton Bell

Omo. Pink, Idk, man. Your story was basic. Haven't you read any RomComs? Or, at least, watched any? Dialogue punctuation-you broke some rules. You know how to write, but this didn't really give comedy. At all.

Aww, Roli is so cute. Such an adorable child. And although I did laugh as I read, I'm not sure your story quite hit the comedy mark. But then, it was a good one. Neat writing. Broke a couple of dialogue punctuation rules, but not so bad. And um, in general, good use of punctuations. Not bad, Moonlight Artist. Not bad.

Star, Star, Star, I see what you did there oh🌚 Keep it up.😂 Anyway, your story made me laugh at the end, because it was all a dream. Lmao.😂😂 Your dialogue punctuation still needs work, though. You wrote a basic story that could have been written ten times better. But then, kudos, because you did good.

Judge Arundhati Roy

Moonlight Artist 020

Kind of impressed.

Pink 019

It's fairly okay

Star 021

Another just there entry.

Judge Karen Kingsbury

PINK

If Kevin is Kevin so what? It's not like he's a comedian or anything. He's just Kevin. The only thing you people want to have -pardon the English - going for you is description but even that gan...

Pink, hmmm.

MOONLIGHT ARTIST

You know how to write so I won't talk about that. The story was cute.

But this is my review with a straight face:

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

STAR

Kneads forehead

Where's the comedy here, Star? Are you writing high school love story? It was a dream, so? Where's the humour? 🥲 Did Project Pen tell you we're looking for love?

I'm tired of saying you can describe, you can write, your work is neat when you don't hit the target given to you. Your pen name is 'Star'. No mess up.

Judge Jk Rowling

The triple threat, aye?😂 E red o. This match was hot!😂First off, Pink came with uppercut, then Moonlight Artist dodged it and gave Pink pile driver. Then, Star came in to tag team Pink and beat Moonlight Artist, but omoh at the end, the person who won eh... 😂🤐

Oya lemme be serious 😂

I liked all these three works. Honestly. Three of you did a good job, and it makes me sad that two of you have to enter the red line. Unfortunately the rules are the rules. And in as much as you three wrote well, one of you wrote better than the other two. And that one person is...

Lmao.

You think say I go tell you?

Adjust your bra and wait for Verdict Night jare.😂

Commentator: This triple threat match was HOT!🔥😂

Anyways, that's all for the judges review for Stage three😭💕