Hello, Cribbers!

Project pen presents to you another HOT session of

Yes, I can feel the excitement in the air.😭🔥

As you all know, this stage is THE SEARCH. We are on the hunt for the league of Pen Masters.🔥

Without wasting much time, let's give it up for Group one.🎊

004 Maeta_ah
008 Nutcracker
027 Phoenix
032 Delphinium
034 Handsomelad42

Let's begin, shall we?

JUDGES REVIEW

Prompt title: UNHINGED

Story entry:

Jay took in her every motion as she moved around the office. He lazily tugged at his restraints, sighing in satisfaction as the sting of the chains lingered around his wrist.

The nurses had brought him in and left, leaving Ayo to suffocate in the tense atmosphere.

"I'm Dr. Korode A—"

"Ayo. I already know." He smiled, glancing at her name tag. "Nice to meet you too, darling."

"You can call me Doctor or . . ." she muttered the last part, discomfort evident in her quivering tone.

"I'll stick with, Doctor. It makes it seem like you're entitled to me, right?"

Jay leaned in as best as he could, widening his doll-like eyes, black orbs revealing nothing but emptiness as he let the title roll off his tongue.

"My Doctor. Cute."

** * ** * **

The sound of glass shattering against the tiled floor jolted Ayo back to reality. She blinked, turning to the clerk who muttered an apology before bending to gather the broken pieces.

It had been happening a lot lately. She would randomly space out, memories from her time working at the asylum occupying her mind. It was almost like she relived them, like he was right there.
It was particularly unnerving since she was expected to meet him again.

"Sorry about that," Dr. Oduduwa said.

He was the administrator of the Oduduwa Asylum for the Criminally Insane. He was skilled and extremely successful.

She cleared her throat. "The patient?"

"I'll take you to him."

The walk to Jay's cell was uncomfortable. Ayo's breathing became shallow the moment the double doors parted to reveal his cell.

Since she took a break from the asylum and considered quitting, she didn't think she would see him again.
He had been placed under observation and because he maintained his good behaviour, the asylum contemplated letting him out on house arrest.

That was how she got involved again. She was technically required to run a few tests to ensure it was safe to let him out since she had been the one treating him.

She was indebted to Dr. Oduduwa so she couldn't refuse and somehow she had managed to convince herself that he no longer had an effect on her.

Jay's face brightened immediately she stepped in. "Ahh hello, my doctor!"

A layer of shatter-proof glass separated them—just before the bars of his cage-like cell.

"A delight to see you again," he said, smiling.

"Committed any murders lately?” she asked instead.

"Actually I've been a good psychopath. I got you a gift."

She raised a brow at him before noticing the delivery tray peeking out of a slot in the glass wall. A swan brooch lay inside it.

"Avians are beautiful, swans particularly; dive to their deaths after losing a mate."

She glanced between him and the brooch, scoffing. "Good behaviour my foot. What are you planning now?"

He was silent at first before he began humming, ‘Humpty Dumpty’.
"All the king's horses and all—" he started but she cut him off.

"Whatever evil you're planning, I will stop you!"

He chuckled. "Alright, darling.”

** * ** * **

Ayo was unsettled by Jay’s behaviour. First the brooch, the way all his sentences started with an ‘A’ and then the Humpty Dumpty song.

Maybe she was reading too much meaning into it but she was certain he was trying to pass a message.

Dive could mean falling.

Humpty Dumpty referenced a wall—a bridge perhaps.

And the letter ‘A’...

Only one bridge started with an A in that area: Apapa bridge. It wouldn't hurt to check it out.

** * ** * **

Her muscles tensed as she eased her car onto the bridge. She looked around and found nothing out of the ordinary.

Maybe she had been wrong about her assumption. But how could that be?

Her mind was so occupied, she almost didn't see the dead end ahead.

She swerved her car just in time but still collided with the bridge's barrier. She came down to assess the damage. A scream drew her attention to a figure dangling off the ledge.

Before she could make a move, the boy fell off the bridge. A floating body surfaced moments later. He was dead.

** * ** * **

Several thoughts bugged Ayo as she drove back home. She hadn't slept the previous night trying to figure out how Jay commited the murder while in custody.

She had insisted on checking the surveillance cameras and they all showed that he hadn't left his cell—not that it was even possible.

The security was extremely tight. But it didn't make any sense. He couldn't have orchestrated the murder from his cell.

It could only mean one thing—he had an accomplice . . . Which begged the question: who?

She tried to confront him during their session earlier. His responses were clipped and all his sentences started with 'You'. When her ID had fallen, he had said: Your identity is very important.

Knowing Jay, it meant something. Only she couldn't figure out what.

Her foot slammed against the brakes as she caught sight of the Yar'Adua's abattoir.

Could this be his next crime scene?

His words starting with ‘Y’, the meat puns. It all made sense.
As she walked into the shed, the silly pun Jay made about ‘having beef with the butcher’ came to mind.

She pulled up short when she saw the butcher boy. His name tag, Adesola Korode, was still visible. He dangled from a rope over a large grinder.

Seeing Ayo, he yelled for help.

She rushed to free him but just as she untied the rope, it slipped out of her grip. A bloodcurdling scream followed, blood splattering on her cheeks.

Right before her, his body was shredded to bits.

** * ** * **

Ayo was fuming by the time she went to see Jay.

"You really are sick! How are you doing it? And—"

"Odd way to start a conversation. Try again, darling," Jay said, interrupting Ayo.

“If you don't confess I'll . . . ” She fumbled, not knowing what to say.

Jay chucked, shaking his head.

"One little piggy went to the butcher's shop, another piggy went off a bridge, this little piggy went wee wee wee, all the way to the asylum."

He hummed but stopped suddenly, pinning his gaze on her. "Observing how rattled you’re amuses me. One should see their reflection.”

He chuckled, glancing at her pointedly before he continued humming.

She left the office, feeling confused. He was spelling out another murder, she was certain. But she just couldn't figure it out.

His sentences started with an 'O' and then he mentioned the asylum . . . But they were already in the asylum. Did he plan on killing someone here?

He did mention something about her reflection. Her heart dropped to her stomach as another thought hit her.

Was he planning to kill her?

Fear gripped her. She needed to leave quickly. She pushed open the door to her office to pack her things but the moment she stepped in, she knew something was off.
Her blood ran cold when her gaze fell on the woman who lay on the ground, her throat slit open. Ayo rushed to apply pressure on her wound.

She couldn't ignore the woman's uncanny resemblance to her.

Just then, she heard the sound of sirens blaring from outside.

"Don't move!"

She turned to find a police officer pointing a pistol at her.

** * ** * **

Ayo sat in her cell counting down the days to her appearance in court. The police hadn't believed her. She couldn't blame them. Her hands were covered in blood and the body was found in her office. But this was Jay at it once again. She didn't know how he did it but he framed her.

“Hello doctor,” he chimed as he stood in front of her.

She did a double take. “How are you here?”

“You still haven’t figured it out?” he asked. “I’m here to see you pay for your crimes.”

“You're the one who murdered those people. Not me!” she yelled.

He smirked, cocking a brow. “Oh, is that so?”

She scoffed. “Of course it is. Who else would it be?”
“Come on, darling, I taught you better than that. This masterpiece was all yours.” He grinned.

She couldn't believe him. “You're delusional!”

“Think about it. The bridge boy from your orphanage. The butcher boy with your last name. And the lady who looked just like you. The locations: Apapa, Yar’adua and Oduduwa. Spelling out . . . ”

“Ayo,” she finished.

She was dumbfounded for a moment. “No. You are lying!” she yelled, clutching her head.

“Keep convincing yourself. The same way you convinced yourself I’m here. Your obsession with me is truly admirable. Even now I hold control over you.” He chuckled.

She watched his figure disappear but his voice still lingered in her head.

“Killer.”

“Murderer.”

“Make it stop!” she shouted as she banged her head against the bars repeatedly. Blood pooled on her forehead as she fell backwards, passing out.

The next day, the newspaper headlines read: Psychotic Serial Killer Doctor Finally Locked Up: Reign of Terror Finally Over.

But was it really over?

Commentary: Cribbers, what are your thoughts on this piece?
Is it a Yeah? Or a Nah?

Let's move on to the contestant's individual reports.

INDIVIDUAL REPORTS:

004 Maeta_ah

Report:

Okay so the story talks about a girl, Ayo, who was a psychologist that worked at a criminal asylum owned by a certain "Oduduwa". There she meets Jay, a serial killer that was convicted and resides there for treatment or something of the sort. He has a habit of leaving some clues before a murders, as if taunting the victims or daring them to stop him.
They...bond? Sort of. And one way or another, Ayo finds herself getting roped into his shit and she takes it upon herself to try to stop him.

Buh things never really go the way we want, do they?

Question: What was you research experience for a mind boggling story like this for you? Tell us briefly.

Answer: Okay my research experience was actually really...fun? It's been smthn I've been wanting to properly research for awhile now buh I always procrastinate. I guess this helped alot ngl

008 Nutcracker

Report:

Group 1's entry tells the story of Ayo a psychiatric doctor working at Oduduwa asylum for the criminally insane. Here she interacts with a patient who goes by the name of Jay. He is a known serial killer who loves to leave clues to his murders. Recently Jay has been placed in a glass cage as doctors fear he may escape and return to his killing spree. Ayo who had made an attempt to stay away from him is roped back in to his games when she is assigned to be his psychiatrist again. He toys with her leaving suggestive clues on the murders he is about to commit. It is upto her to stop those murders from happening by following the trail. And yet each time she tries she is too late. With the third murder she finds the victim in her office and is chilled by the woman's resemblance to her. Before she can think any further about it the police officers arrest her for being the master mind behind the killings. But that couldn't be true. Jay was the one behind it all. She didn't know how he was doing it but he was the murderer. Wasn't he?

Question: What would you say inspired the turn out of events in the Plot Twist for you?

Answer: Well. We were looking for a story that stood out. A twist that no one would see coming. Seeing as the story involved a psychopath that loves mind games and puzzles. In the plot twist you realize that he was playing games on you as a reader as well. The story is meant to have you questioning your sanity and at the end of the day you still arent entirely sure wether the right person was convicted of the crime or not.

032 Delphinium

Report:

The plot is basically about a psychiatrist, Ayo, who is gaslighted by her patient, Jay, into committing a series of murders. Because of her mental instability and trauma, she believes that Jay is the one committing the murders.

Eventually, she pieces the clues together and realizes that she was the one behind it (the accomplice she was certain was helping him).

What makes the story stand out is it's unique and intriguing plot. I'm sure no one else would have thought of it.

Q

uestion: Writers have to wear the shoes of their characters to get into character. So, Delphinium, would you say it was difficult for you to get in the mind of a psychopath for this piece?

Answer: It wasn't exactly difficult. Granted I'm not an actual psychopath, it wasn't a piece of cake either. Psychological thriller and Horror are my favourite genres and reading a story is the easiest way of getting to experience things through the character's eyes.

So you could say I spend a lot of time in minds of psychopaths. Sometimes I even think like one.

I wouldn't say it was difficult to get in the mind of the character; rather, I'd say it was more or less fascinating.

034 HandsomeLad42

Report:

Well the story has quite a dynamic plot as it started off with a hallucination from the main character, Dr. Ayo which would prolly take us straight into the action.

She (Dr. Ayo) is also a very smart woman as she tries to figure out the games that Jay (a psychopath who was placed under house arrest was playing). They involved series of murders and clues left behind for her to her utter discombobulation.

The plot really stands out as it asks all the questions which would require answers and those clues involving the word puns or nursery rhymes made by Jay are a major part of the story...

All in all the mystery is mysterying as we might not get to know whether Dr Ayo would be proven innocent.

Question: The word puns and nursery rhymes were very creative, indeed. How was it like coming up with such an idea for you? Or developing it?

Answer: It was really nice and epic I'll say A very unique thought from our group.
Putting heads together to think of something like that deserves a lot of praise, because I and nutcracker started it off jokingly by chanting a few old rhymes we knew and then it just clicked...we could set it as part of plot since it gave the "scavenger hunt" vibes.

027 Phoenix

027 Phoenix as absent for this exercise, so they don't have any follow up defence question

Commentary: let's move unto the Judges review.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE JK ROWLING

Um… Okay. Okay, not bad.

I have a lot to say, so I’m trying to organise my chain of thoughts to know how to start.

First of all, I have to commend the plot.👏 This is a solid story idea with mad potential to even turn out a blockbuster. The idea of Jay, in the beginning, using the first letter of all his sentences to communicate his next victim is absolutely brilliant. The tension with this realisation every time he starts off his sentences with a new letter made me almost run mad; I had chills at some point, it was absolutely fire.

One little piece of advice? When writing mystery, especially in a flash fiction, don’t for even a second allow the flow of your story to get cut. Do you know what this does? It kills the tension, or momentarily, waters it down, and the key element in a work of mystery is tension. The moment you lose that grip on your readers, you may ruin the entire story.

Why am I saying this? Because I noticed some hiccups in this work. I will point it out and tell you what can be done to better this in future. I told a contestant last time, I think it was Bema; be careful of the way you transition in your story. A weak transition can mess up your work, and in a work like fiction, where every second you are supposed to have your readers hanging on a cliff, a weak transition is going to obliterate your work. Transitioning in writing is sort of when you move from one scene to the other; be careful to always stay on track, the slightest deviation may be the doom of your work.

Still on this topic on transitioning, in your piece, Group One, I would like to point out the way the breaks in the paragraph were coming in. It was a big turn off in the story flow. It’s okay to cut a scene in a story in half, but it becomes a bit distracting if after every few little words, you see the asterisks into another scene, especially – in the case of your work –  when it’s not needed. The way it ‘cuts’ the story into another scene, it also ‘cuts’ the vibe too. So, unless you are certain that the next scene in a story is a complete deviation from the former scene, don’t do this again. In fact, this asterisks thing is more advised in novel writing, since it is okay to have different subplots (even if all heading towards a general plot) in a novel and hence, you can cut the scenes in half to transition into a different scene that has no connection directly to the former scene.

However, using it in Flash fiction – especially in a mystery story – is a bit controversial. It _can_ work if used correctly, but otherwise, you will be messing your work up. Those asterisks are to completely deviate and it is not even always advisable to deviate completely from a scene in a flash fiction, especially in a mystery where everything is like a string and attachment of happenings that are closely knitted together; your work had no reason to have those excess asterisks. The events were all too closely tied down together to be broken with asterisks, and you should have pulled off transitioning from scene to scene without having to use those excessive asterisks where it wasn’t even necessary. All it did was cut the flow of your work. Take this into consideration and do better next time.

All in all, this was a good plot. If not for the excessive and unnecessary breaking in parts. The end too was creative, but because of the poor transitioning skills, one could easily get confused at the supposed ‘plot twist’. Learn how to be clear and careful when it comes to plot twists, you have to have a certain level of skill in this transitioning thing to be able to pull off the execution of a plot twist like this. How do you learn to transition better, especially with mysteries and plot twists? Read more. Read. Read. Read. And also, learn to keep traces all over your work from the beginning, sort of like hints. Leave them everywhere and slowly, but steadily set your readers up for the big reveal.

An example of this? If you follow Too Many Broken Things, and have gotten to the Diary part. For the actual owner of the diary, the hints were still there (very glaring actually) on who it really was, irrespective of the obvious fingers that were pointing at the wrong culprit.

And what were these hints? The contents of the Diary was ONE out of dozens. The words in the Diary contained things ‘She’s just like me’ and ‘We both have a trigger’, and even if on the surface, conspiracy theories could have easily come up backing up the allegations on the original person that was being falsely accused, a deeper look into the lives of the protagonist and the actual owner of the diary would let you be clear on the actual truth of the matter. And the fun part? Their lives were not even kept secret. The readers knew about the similarities all along, even if it was subtle. So the effect of this is that it would give your readers a feeling of ‘Shit! I’m so dumb! It was so obvious, glaring at my face. How didn’t I figure it out?’.

In mystery, have your ‘trick culprits’ and in this case, you nailed that, it was Jay. But also don’t forget the most important one, make sure to leave a trail of evidence backing up to the final reveal. The whole name initial thing was good, but it was not enough. I think you have a clear idea on why it’s necessary to leave trails, just make it more solid next time. Maybe the same way Jay used same letters in his first words, she could have done something similar too, but with her last words instead of her first. Adding this to the name initial thing would have been an even bigger banger. Add up some puns about ‘last words’ aka death and create an even bigger masterpiece. Just try to be subtle-but-not-subtle, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. I think I’ve tried to explain the best I can. Do with this what you may. All in all, you did a fairly good job, Group One. Keep it up!👏

JUDGE ARUNDHATI ROY

Wow. Really, wow. I'm amazed, like really dazzled with the storyline. It's absolutely beautiful and badass and amazing and the Plot Twist? Good but not as perfect as it’d have been if it was properly executed.

The idea of a psychiatrist and her psychiatric patient. I love how you executed Jay’s character, how you established his psychopathic tendencies in the way he was talking to Ayo, just all those tiny details, that's really commendable before he was revealed to be a figment of Ayo’s imagination. I also noticed this when I reread the entry; Ayo zoning out occasionally. I guess that's some sort of hint about the secret she's hiding, even from herself.

Now, it took a while and a reread and another judge explaining to me to get the whole dynamics of Jay’s character and his relationship with Ayo. I thought the only hallucinated part was when he came to see her after she was arrested when Jay had been a figment of her imagination(some sort of Alter Ego) all along. I feel like you could have executed that part way better than you did. The only thing that made your entry less perfect than it was was the execution and nailing that Plot Twist. Every other thing was perfectly done. 

But generally speaking, I think your story is actually my favorite. There's something so madly creative about making Jay a figment of her imagination and also, I love the dynamics of the supposed relationship. It's perfect and really intriguing.

JUDGE ACTION BELL

I love what you guys did with your story. The plot is unique. I have not read so many mystery stories, but then, I've read a couple. And this is, no doubt, really good. It feels a lot like something Oyinkan Braitwaithe, the writer of My Sister, The Serial Killer, would write. Suspense and mystery are kind of intertwined—I didn't really feel the suspense in this story. I loved the way you guys were able to tell the story from a distorted POV. Honestly, I love this and am really impressed. The grammar and punctuation were spot on. The way Jay used puns to spell out Ayo's name and the places of murder, really brilliant. It was neat and honestly, it's something I want to see more of. Although, I did think the pacing was a little too fast. As in, one would have to read it over and over to put the puzzle pieces together. That said sha, I loved the story, you guys' creativity and out-of-the-box thinking, and everything. Good job, guys.

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

Group one! When you see one, what comes to your mind, 'top' right? Or the word 'First', sometimes, introductory. But not really. What comes to our mind is 'First' when it's used with the word 'group', isn't it?

Your story did not live up to the number that was given to it. Stay with me, stay with me, I'm not wicked. Why did I say so? Your execution. Yes, almost all the judges are saying it but that's because it's a common thing. This was a nice storyline. If developed into a novel, with several characters and good world-building, it would be fantastic.

Let me tell you something. When writing flash fiction, avoid writing stories that have several characters and settings. Stay away from something you can not wrap up in 1200 words. Sometimes it gets messy, sometimes it leaves the writer frustrated because they can not deliver all they want to deliver. And when you don't deliver, you don't execute, you've ruined half the story.

Back to your write-up, whoever edited it, missed some errors that were in the form of comma placement. Another advise, if ever any of you find yourself in a group work, all of you should read through the piece —looking for errors — because it is very possible for you to spot what someone else did not.

About the first part of your work, I don't know who wrote it, but it's not giving. And some dialogue between Ayo and Jay was just weird. I didn't get any psychopathic anything from it. I liked the inclusion of the first letter of a sentence being the same. It was nice and I was intrigued. But you know the painful thing? I saw it coming. Ayo being at all the scenes was screaming: She was the killer! So I wasn't surprised when she was arrested. The only thing that surprised me was that Jay was in her head.

Nonetheless, I'm glad to have learnt that thing about Swan's diving after loosing a mate. Thank you. I love learning stuff. Also, that last line, was it to leave chills running down my spine? Because it did not chill. It did not chill at all.

I know this is a group work and everybody would have contributed things differently, so I can't use this story to judge how good some of you are as writers outside this competition.

So to those who put in effort, chop knuckles. Your effort would not be wasted. Oh, and, by the way, go and buy Zobo and Puff puff. Use it to reward yourself. Thinking of what to write, and how to write it, was a task on it's own.

JUDGE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Well, well.  This wast quite impressive.  I very much didst not expecteth how t end'd in earnest. 

As i did start reading, t wast giving me jok'r harleyquinn vibe, the whole psychiatrist and patient fiasco.  I liketh how jay's psychotic charact'r wast p'rtray'd and execut'd. 

The whole thing wast getting confusing at a pointeth, but coequal without seeing the explanation of jay and ayo's relationship by a fellow judgeth, i bethink i wouldst has't still gotten t at the endeth because t all cameth togeth'r eventually.

I did like the plot twisteth, but t wasn't very much plot twisting.  T didn't hitteth me liketh t shouldst has't.  I feeleth thee guys couldst has't done a bett'r job in executing t v'ry well. 

All in all, group one, thy entry wast splendid.  Kudos to thee all.

Well, well. This was quite impressive. I really did not expect how it ended honestly.

As I started reading, it was giving me Joker Harley Quinn vibe, the whole psychiatrist and patient fiasco. I like how Jay's psychotic character was portrayed and executed.

The whole thing was getting confusing at a point, but even without seeing the explanation of Jay and Ayo's relationship by a fellow judge, I think I would have still gotten it at the end because it all came together eventually.

I liked the plot twist, but it wasn't really plot twisting. It didn't hit me like it should have. I feel you guys could have done a better job in executing it very well.

All in all, group one, your entry was splendid. Kudos to you all.

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

You had a good plot, Group one. I particularly liked the way everything built up to the twist, and subsequently the revelation that Ayo was actually the killer. But… yes, there is a but. Your story is missing something and I’m trying to figure out what. And no, this is not the mystery messing up with my mind.

In a way, the story felt sort of rushed, and also felt like some very important details were excluded. This story also lacked the right amount of tension as well. Also, if Jay was an alter ego, does that mean she also hallucinated being taken to his cell by Doctor Oduduwa? ’m not sure I get that since Jay was a figment of her imagination.

I like the hints you dropped using the first letters of her name though. That was a very brilliant impute. Generally, it was a good story, solid plot, just a tad bit mid execution.

JUDGE JAMES HARDLEY CHASE

Fair enough! I enjoyed the story. It was amazing but not perfect, in the sense that it wasn't executed properly. I love the plot, this theme was so productive and mindblowing. The grammar and punctuation were on point. The creativity for me. This was brilliant. I only had a little issue with the execution, but it's all good! Good read, I enjoyed it. Good luck group one, you guys did well. Awwn, see you guys in the next stage.😂😂

JUDGE JANE COREY

Before I enter deep into the review, I wanna ask. This is written in a third person's POV, okay. Why was Jay addressed as a SHE in the first paragraph? I had to read it more than three times to see if it was my eyes that were painting me, but…

Okay, it was a nice entry, but I was very confused, I had to read the entry twice, or more than to understand. Like I said, it was a nice entry, Firstly, JAY WAS NOT REAL? Dude, I legit thought he was a real person. That means Ayo is a Psycho without knowing it, wow. And the clue that spelt her name really confused me. In fact, the whole confused me at first until my fifth read 😪.

Maybe it was the group work that confused me, cause it was not grouping. It was obvious that there was more than one person that wrote it. When one person writes A another person writes G and another V, you didn't have one mind. There were different writing styles in the story, abi una no notice am? It was a nice plot but abeg try harder. Namaste 🙏.

JUDGE DANIELLE LORI

I have to be informal here, but you guys wrote fireee🔥. Wow! I'm blown away with the entire plot. Who thought of this?! I absolutely love it. Makes me go back to my Sidney Sheldon days. There's not a single thing I found wrong with this piece and I'm so excited to reread it again. The banter (sort of), the rhymes, Jay as a character, Ayo's confusion, frustration and her desperation to be believed. Everything added up into one very beautiful flash fiction. Good job!

A/N: That's it for this group, Cribbers!🤭💕 We hope you enjoyed every bit of it. Until next time.💕