Hello, Cribbers!😁🎊

We welcome you once again to Stage Three. We present to you the first batch of

As we have it, this stage is The Battle/War Zone.😌🔥

We are more than excited to introduce our lovely contestants, for Batch one.

003 Dewdrop VS 035 Aang

004 Maeta_ah VS 034 HandsomeLad42

005 Mara VS 033 Myobbo

008 Nutcracker VS 032 Delphinium

Without much further ado, let's begin.

STAGE THREE

THE JUDGES REVIEW

With a clapping ovation, let's welcome our first pair.🎊

003 Dewdrop vs 035 Aang

003 Dewdrop

prompt title: CRUSHLIDAY.

Story entry:

KAMBILI

"I swear to God," I gritted my teeth. "If I have to wake Ayomide one more time, I will shave him bald!" I let out a scream of frustration, glaring at the screen of my laptop.

The urge to slam it shut and end the call was so overwhelming, but I needed their help and they knew it, so that was why they were acting like this. No, scratch that. He knew I needed his help, that was why he was acting like this.

Kiki had a bored look resting on her flawlessly made-up face, tossing her black straight weave off her shoulder, now and then. Dinma was aggressively shoving large spoonfuls of spicy pasta down her throat, flat-out disregarding the fact that she had an ulcer.

And Ayomide, God, Ayomide, he had his covers thrown on his head for the umpteenth time, snoring so loudly, that he could wake a hibernating bear with the way he sounded like an old engine.

"Ayo, come on now," Dinma said with a mouthful of pasta.

"AYOMIDE!" Kiki fired audaciously.

The light-skinned idiot sprang up at once, throwing the covers off his body, and brushing his curly hair off his face.

"I am up. I am up." He murmured, propping his jaw on his palm.

"The floor is all yours." The dark-skinned model rolled her eyes at me.

"So," I arched a brow at my friends. "None of you have been listening to what I have been saying since?" I scoffed afterwards.

"Of course, we have been listening to you talk nonstop about Seye Adeleke, the boy of your dreams," Kiki said sarcastically and Dinma nearly choked on her pasta, her fair skin all flushed.

But her skin couldn't be redder than mine because I practically looked like a bloated, overripe tomato.
"After five years, he still has this much effect on you?" Dinma asked in disbelief. "Girl, you are gone!" she yelled.

"That's not the point!" I debunked, throwing my hands up in the air.

"Ehn, wetin be the point nau?" Ayo groaned, trails of sleepiness still hanging in his voice, mixed with impatience.

"The point is, Seye is in my house, Goddammit!" I cried. "He is here for the holidays," I added with a whine, dropping my head into my palms.

"Well, for a few days but it still doesn't change the fact that he is here. His mom wanted him to stay with us because she's out of the country at the moment. She didn't want him to stay at home all by himself." I explained to them.

Seye's mom and mine were best friends and him staying with us seemed to be her first choice when she decided that he wasn't going to stay home alone.

"And that marks the hundredth time you are saying this." Ayo sighed.

"I just don't want him to think I am weird." I pouted.

"Oh, so you know you are weird?" Kiki cocked a brow at me and I huffed.

Dinma gulped down her water all at once. "Kam, the bottom line is you want to impress him, right?" she asked and I nodded vigorously.

"Baby girl, just be yourself." She shrugged, picking up her plate again.

"Her loud ass clumsy self, sure." Kiki snickered.

"I don't understand," Dinma paused, munching on her pasta with a puzzled look on her face. "Should she pretend?" she frowned.

"Well, maybe don't wear cardigans and mismatched socks-" Kiki interrupted Ayo.

"And take your hair care journey seriously. Do you even know how much of a flex it is to have curly hair? Mixed race privileges aside." Kiki chipped in.

"-I am just saying you can try to show a little skin," He smiled, toying with his curls. "You are gorgeous, Kam. Flaunt it. That's all I am saying." He added.

"I agree with Ayo with my full chest." Kiki buttressed.

"Half, actually." Dinma threw a shade at her with a straight face. I clamped my lips together aggressively to stifle my laughter, but it ended up coming out anyway, resonating throughout the room like an unending pig's snort.

"I am not going to say I hope you choke on that spicy pasta," Kiki said with a faux sweet smile.

"But I want him to like me for who I am," I whined.

"And you dare to think that you are going to impress man with that bird's nest on your head?" Kiki scoffed. "Even Agirly has higher chances of winning his heart than you do." She stated matter-of-factly.

At the mention of Agirly, I snapped my head towards the sleeping dog by my dresser, who had her butt in the air. I glared at her.
"All of you should get out!" I fumed, slamming my MacBook shut.

I whined incessantly, falling back onto the bed and throwing my legs in the air. I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. I threw it off me after a while, turning to the white-furred dog.

"Do you really think I don't stand a chance?" I posed a question to her. She didn't even flinch and that made me frown.

"Bitch," I murmured. "I will get him myself. I don't need anyone's help to do it!" I huffed.

•••••

The more I stalked Seye's Instagram page, the harder I was convinced that his topping the list of Oakville College's hottest guys was well deserved. The grin on my face grew wider, and wider, causing my lips to nearly stretch to the back of my head.

It was as though the guy magically grew hotter every day I came to his page to stalk him. It didn't matter that I had been to his page tons of times. He found a way to make butterflies erupt in my belly every time I stared at him and right now was no different.

My nose picked up on a metallic smell that lingered in the air but I didn't get a chance to dwell on it when my eyes beheld his first post.

"Ugh! He is perfect!" I cooed, zooming in on the picture to soak in the sight of him that was sprawled on a couch, clad in an ivory two-piece that blended perfectly with his glowing dark skin, exuding a milky-brown appeal.

I giggled, swinging my legs in the air on the kitchen island I was seated on. The wide smile on my face wiped off abruptly when my eyes flitted to the red love icon.

"No, no, no, no!" I rapped out all in one breath, hoping I didn't just accidentally like his post. But then, the red icon begged to differ, coupled with the date underneath the post.

Fourth of January.

And today was the fifth of August.

"Jesus, Kambili!" I screamed.

The metallic smell from earlier got more potent, diverting my attention from my phone to the gas cooker. The once sparkling silver pot now reminded me of Darth Vader's helmet. It was completely black. Worse, the surges of flames beneath it didn't look like it was going to go out. It was applying steady pressure to the bottom of the darkened pot.

I just sat there, staring back at the pot horrifically.

I knew I was a terrible cook but I didn't think I could burn water too.

"Yeah, I just want to get water. When I go back upstairs, I will forward it to you." The deep masculine voice from the other end of the door had me swinging my head in the direction of the kitchen entrance.

That voice. It could only mean one thing. Seye was in the living room and he was coming into the kitchen to get water.

Like the surface of the counter now burned my butt, I hopped off it, darting to the door with the speed of light and I jammed my back against it.

He can't see this mess. He mustn't see this mess.

When I heard the sound of the doorknob, my heart lurched to my throat and my eyes widened in horror.

"Is the door locked?" he mused. "Is someone in there?" he asked, knocking at the door. I applied more pressure against the door but it didn't count as anything because I felt him trying to push the door forward, and my legs began slipping off the surface of the tiled floor.

God, no.
"Kambili?" He sounded unsure.

Bloody hell.

"Kambili, open the door. I need to get water." His tone was laced with frustration. The octave that coated his words as he said my name had me losing my guard, and before I knew it, I was thrown off the door by the force at which he pushed it forward. It sent me crashing to the floor on my butt.

Seye pranced into the kitchen.

My mind went blank and it had to be two things. First, the fact that he walked in on me sitting on the floor, and second, he was shirtless. The only clothing he had on was his grey sweatpants.

And Goddamit, Seye was ripped. And he knew it too. That was why he was flaunting his flawless muscular body without a shirt.

"What-" His speech was cut off, overpowered by a cuss word as he ran towards the gas cooker. "Jesus Christ, do you want to burn the house down?!" he chided me, raising his voice.

There goes my plan of him not seeing the mess I made. I was so consumed with embarrassment that I wanted to hide inside my skin.

"Wait, you burned water?" his question had my eyes drifting to him. He looked so horrified like he couldn't believe what he just saw.

The ground should open up already and swallow me because I couldn't exactly tell him that I was so distracted by his picture that I forgot that I wanted to bring my water to a boil before going ahead to parboil my noodles.

"God, please," He muttered and the clanging of metal against each other indicated that he tossed the burnt pot into the sink.

He hissed and went ahead to fetch himself what he came for before walking past me and heading for the door.

But then, he halted and turned to me.

"I am heading out to get some stuff at the mall this evening, do you want to come with me?" he asked and my heart did multiple backflips at his question.

I blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice.

"Kambili?" he arched a brow at me.

"Uh. . .I . . . uh. . .yeah! Yeah! Of course! Absolutely. I mean, why not? I would totally come with you." I was a stuttering, embarrassing mess.

"Okay," And with that, he stepped out of the kitchen and shut the door behind him.

I broke into a loud squeal, hopping around and doing crazy dance moves.

"Seye freaking Adeleke asked me to come with him to the mall!" I screamed, wiggling my butt a little too hard.

"Uh, Kambili?"

I halted when I heard his voice again and I looked over my shoulder, my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

"If you are going to stalk me, try to be subtle."

035 Aang

Prompt title: The Simple Pendulum.

Story entry:

"Feranmi, I want you to sieve your words before spurting out your nonsense to Jeff; you know he won't be able to get Nigerian jokes". Akin started, staring at his 9-year-old sister, who looked as though the seat belt that she was strapping on, would choke her to death. Akin nudged her seat roughly to draw her attention, which worked as she looked up with a frustrated glare.

"Are you even listening to me?" he asked annoyed as she plucked her nose immediately.

"Akin, your breath stinks! And why do I have to suck up to your white friend who doesn't look like he'll be running around naked!?"

"Just mind your words; I don't want any drama this morning considering how everything you say ends up happening one way or the other."

"I have no intentions of keeping my mouth shut,I'll tell him you showed me that picture" Ferammi said. Akin felt like slapping the little girl and cutting off her mouth to feed it to their neighbors' ugly dog.

"You shouldn't have come to the airport with me then!" Akin said instead, resorting to the nicest words he could find in his dictionary.

Ferammi rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the big phone she held in her tiny hands.

"I never wanted to! Turns out mom thought a 9-year-old was way better at directions than a 20-year-old guy," her sharp mouth vomited, shutting Akin up.

He knew he was bad with directions, and as ridiculous as it sounded, his only sister, Ferammi, was the best at that; And many other things. She acted more mature than her age, and their mom would always say she was an 18-year-old girl trapped in the body of a child. Who would believe such nonsense? He rolled his eyes as he turned just in time to see his friend looking around the airport parking lot.
Jeff had been his friend from middle school until he completed high school in the States before he-Akin- returned to Nigeria. Their dad resided in the States, and it was a tradition in the Bolawaje family for every child to complete high school in the States and return to Nigeria for university.

Akin's face lit up as he waved at his friend, who immediately saw the wave and started walking towards them with a huge smile all over his face.

"He's ugly!" Ferammi cried as Akin shot her a 'shut your mouth' glare before coming out of the car to greet Jeff.

Feranmi watched in undisguised disgust as the two friends exchanged pleasantries. The white guy popped his head into the window and waved at her, and her response was leaping back into her seat horror evident on her face.

"Hey Kiddo, watch'up?" He asked as Akin dumped his belongings into the back seat while signaling to her to keep her cool.

"What language is that?" She couldn't help but blurt out. Jeff looked confused at what she was saying and Akin had to rush to his side with a wide fake smile.

"My little sister is such a dumb ass; come on, get in let's start going before we get caught in traffic."

"What's traffic? Do such things exist?" he asked as he got in and slammed the car door shut. Both siblings turned in bewilderment to answer his question, but the loud pop and thud sound that followed turned their bewilderment to horror.

The upper half of the car door popped free from its hinges, leaving the car door dangling and hanging onto dear life. Jeff looked at them with a nervous smile.

"Your car should be under insurance, right?" Ferammi let out a choked laugh that sounded more like a duck cackling.

"Insurance in Nigeria? Akin, insurance will help you pack out of the house and into 'Mama Chop Two Plates, a restaurant where you'll be washing plates for the rest of your life." she said, still cackling like a duck, while Akin turned to Jeff with a face that spelled 'I'm doomed'.

"It's my mom's car".

The journey home had to continue anyways, and with a horrified Jeff clinging to the damaged door like his life depended on it to prevent it from flying off into the highway, Ferammi couldn't help but be amused at the sight of a white guy looking like the hungry conductors of Ijebu, the park close to their estate.

The tension soon gave away and melted into chatter as Jeff gave them the unwanted gist of how his flight went. Akin sighed when he realized they weren't going to beat the traffic. Just then, a putricious smell wafted across his nostrils, and he turned to his sister.

"Why did you fart?" he accused as Ferammi frowned.

"I didn't," she shouted but Akin wasn't buying her lie.

"Yes you did!"

"I said I did..."

A small voice interrupted them,"I did," they both said to Jeff, who sat half his buttocks in the air, still clutching the car door close to him. His face was red, and he looked like he would burst at any moment. His stomach growled, and he used another hand to grip it, looking at them with plea

"That terrible air hostess fed me poison. A brown, foul-smelling..." Another burp came, and Ferammi screamed, immediately covering her nose.

"There's no toilet around here." Akin said in horror as Jeff groaned.

"Dude, I'll mess up the car; I need to empty my bowels immediately!" He shouted while Akin looked around in confusion.

"There are only bushes here; what the hell are we supposed to do?" He asked Ferammi; there was another loud, long burp, and the two, shot him angry looks. Ferammi dug around her seat and thrust a black nylon into Akin's lap.

"You have to be kidding me," Akin said while she rolled her eyes.

"Do you have any other options?" she asked. They both turned to Jeff, who looked from the nylon to their faces.

"You look like you're staring at kidnappers." Ferammi mocked. As inconvenient as it was, she was enjoying the drama.

"I knew when I couldn't find one leg of my socks this morning that Nigeria was not for me!" Jeff screamed as he dashed out of the car, knocking off what was left of the car door and into the bush, leaving Akin petrified and in sweats.

"Mom's gonna kill me" he muttered.

---------------------------
Jeff let out a sigh of relief as the last drop of poo fell into the nylon. He was beyond embarrassed, but his stomach had other plans for him that early morning. He looked down at his hand and realized half of the tissue paper he was given had dropped while he was making for the bush. He groaned in frustration, and as if the heavens were out for him, his stomach growled as another round of poo started its journey down his rectum.

That was when he felt it. A cool breeze wafting across his ass cheeks and leaving a nice feeling. He smiled, waiting for the breeze to return in his direction again. It came the second time, and at the third instance, he realized there was a wet feeling on his ass before the cool breeze. He turned slowly, just in time to see the tongue coming for his cheeks. He lept up in horror and stared at the thing, processing how and what was going on, and when it settled, he let out a loud scream, startling the innocent cow that was enjoying himself a minute ago.

With the speed of lightening, Jeff was on his heels, running for his dear life, while the cow, who also seemed to realize his friend was on the run, joined the race.

"Mommy! Mommy help!" The 20-year-old boy screamed, running through the pathways he had come from while the thumps of the cow's feet followed closely. Tears were already streaming down his face, and he kept wondering what was slapping against his thighs as he ran, but he had to get away from the cow.

However, Jeff realized he was lost in the midst of the tall brown grasses, and the cow itself was not getting tired.
So, this is it; this is how I'll die; I won't get to see the bald head of my principal; will the cow also go for my penis?

He couldn't believe the stupid thoughts running through his head as he slowed down, ready to give up the race and offer his ass. Just then, the clear pavement of the road came into sight.

Jeff had never been happier in his life. He turned and sent a middle finger to the cow before willing his last strength into his legs and racing into the road, flailing his arms wildly in an attempt to stop any car. However, all cars were actually stopped.

That was when he realized where he had run out into.

In Nigeria, the sight of mad men was not a rare sight, but the sight of a white madman was not a common sight. He raised his hands to talk, probably to explain to the looks of people that he was being chased by a cow when he got hit by the same thing on his laps. He looked down in horror and watched his penis dangle left and right, like a pendulum. All the while, he had been running, that was what kept hitting his thighs, left and right.

Indeed, it was a body in motion. The simple pendulum

Then he felt the lick again, and the cool breeze, and Jeff turned to see the cow grinning up at him and let out a loud scream before falling to the floor and fainting.

Commentator: Let's see what our Judges have to say.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE JAMES HARDLEY CHASE

DEWDROP 003

I am a sucker for anything that relates to romance, teen fiction, young crushes etc, that was the only way I enjoyed this piece. I am definitely very easy to crack up. When I saw the theme was comedy, you needed to see me getting ready to laugh. And here I am with a straight face, i'm not a witch, it's just that I haven't seen comedy so far. This is an okay story. You tried, but personally I feel it doesn't do justice to the theme.

AANG 035

Whenever you want to write a comedy, this are a few tips, because this could be challenging for you, especially if you haven't tried it before. Though I feel once in a while we blurt out funny things though. You can try watching funny videos or reading funny stories for inspiration. Write down strange or funny situations you've experienced in the past. Don't worry about making them funny right now. Just write out what you can remember about the experience and why you found it humorous.
Choose a vivid setting that your audience will be able to imagine. They'll be better able to understand the humor if they can imagine the setting. The setting itself doesn't have to be funny (though it can be), but it should make sense for the characters and plot you're creating.

One more thing, I noticed few punctuation errors, please try to work on that if you make it into the next stage.

Back to business, the theme is comedy. I believe I have a huge sense of humor, to think my 32 didn't show at any stage of reading this piece, what's wrong? Lol, Aang I give you E for effort, I can see you put a lot of that into this. And I am glad you have improved so far, proud of you. I won't say the story was boring, it was there, it just didn't do justice to the theme.

JUDGE JANE COREY

DEWDROP 003

Guyyy, I definitely don't know where the comedy in this story is, this is just an ordinary teen fiction story. Yes, I read this with a straight face and never twitched for once. I want to know your definition of burnt water abeg, did the water dry in the pot or kettle? Or it turned black-brown like burnt rice. If it dried, then... in fact I don't know what to say, but if it turned black, then it's IMPOSSICANT!!!

AANG 035

Hmm... I got a reaction from your entry alright, I did. But it wasn't laughter, it was disgust. Yes, you read right, DISGUST! Like why and how would a cow see someone and eat his shit when the person is still there, even went ahead and lick his bum bum. You reason am na. No be meme them tell you to write but comedy. But to you, didn't it irritate you? Why did the cow even grin? Have you seen a cow grin before? COWS NO DEY SMILE ABEG!

JUDGE ACTON BELL

Mummy Dewdrop and Avatar Aang, I am beyond disappointed at what you both brought to the table.🥲

DEWDROP 003

While you, Dew drop, did a good job with punctuation and grammar, your approach to the given theme was not it at all. You don too relax, my guy. I expected you to get out of your comfort zone and give us something spectacular. Your story no make me laugh oh. Maybe, towards the end, after the girl burned water and embarrassed herself, there was some humor, but apart from that, nothing.

Absolutely nothing! You had a huge opportunity to do something with a brand new theme, but I'm sorry to say, you wasted it. Maybe if you had done something better with the dialogue between Kambili and Seye, shown us how her words get muddled up when she's with him, hiplayed with words using her thoughts, you could have given us something fresh. You could have used sarcasm and irony. Haven't you read any RomComs? Maybe you should start doing that. There was a lot of things you could have cut out to make your story shorter and better.

Omo. This is just disappointing, Dew. Your story was too basic for my liking.

AANG 035

Back to you, Avatar Aang. You. Did. Not. Follow. The. Punctuation. Rules! For the love of everything sweet! Why una no dey hear word? Why?! We sent you two documents on punctuations! Two flipping documents! And yet, you failed! You failed! Again, Avatar Aang! Why? Now, to your story. I'm sorry, ma, I don't understand why you guys have chosen to make cows a genre. So many things were wrong with your story. First off, how on earth did Jeff not know what traffic is? There's traffic in white countries nau, what the heck?😂😂 You see that hitch? Second, how...in the name of palm trees did the door magically remove from its hinges?

There was no explanation. It was unrealistic. There was no description to tell us how that happened. Omo.😂 You know, if you had taken the attention off Jeff and had focused on Feranmi, maybe you'd have done a way better job. The girl is a very strong character-a character with potential. I saw that. I believe that with better editing and rearrangement, your story could have been something spectacular. However, from you, Avatar Aang, I saw effort. That's one thing I'll commend you for. Your efforts. Overall sha, both of you tried. I'm pretty sure that after this, you'll get better at writing outside your comfort zone. I want to believe you'll start taking reading other genres-and actually learning from them-seriously.

JUDGE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

AANG 035

I has't a lot of things to sayeth. First off, punctuations. Thee people art still sleeping on this thing. The 'rr'rs on punctuations w'ren't much, but those gents w're still th're. At this pointeth, i bethink not thee guys cross-check thy w'rk again, because if 't be true thee doth, thee wouldst has't spott'd a few things out and c'rrect'd those folk.

The parteth about the traffic. Th're's nay way in the w'rld yond jeff wouldn't has't hath heard of the w'rd traffic. Except that gent hast been hol'd up in his house all his life and hast nay contact with the outside w'rld. Th're is just nay way. Coequal in the abroad, those gents receiveth traffic f'r th're.

Then the doth'r getting did spoil all of a sudden? seeth, thee needeth to showeth us these things bef're those gents befall so t wonneth't just jumpeth out of nowh're. Apparently, the car is not in valorous shapeth, and yond couldst has't been hint'd from the starteth just to alloweth us knoweth yond, ah, aught fiteth befall to this car oh. Reading furth'r, i did realize yond i wouldst has't did love to seeth akin's frustration trying to maketh sure the car doth'r stays putteth and dealing with his sist'r's loud that from which we speak at the same timeth. Then las las, the doth'r na still commot.

Yond cow thing at the endeth ehn? e sure me kicketh the bucket sayeth yond cow na jeff ancest'r. I chuckl'd. I didn't chuckle. I just chuckl'd. A dram chuckle coupl'd with the shocketh of reading a grinning cow licking a knave's bumbum.

I have a lot of things to say. First off, punctuations. You people are still sleeping on this thing. The errors on punctuations weren't much, but they were still there. At this point, I don't think you guys cross-check your work again, because if you do, you would have spotted a few things out and corrected them.

The part about the traffic. There's no way in the world that Jeff wouldn't have heard of the word traffic. Except he has been holed up in his house all his life and has no contact with the outside world. There is just no way. Even in the abroad, they get traffic for there.

Then the door getting spoilt all of a sudden? See, you need to show us these things before they happen so it won't just jump out of nowhere. Apparently, the car is not in good shape, and that could have been hinted from the start just to let us know that, ah, anything fit happen to this car oh. Reading further, I realized that I would have loved to see Akin's frustration trying to make sure the car door stays put and dealing with his sister's loud mouth at the same time. Then Las Las, the door na still commot.

That cow thing at the end ehn? E sure me die say that cow na Jeff ancestor. I chuckled. I didn't laugh. I just chuckled. A little chuckle coupled with the shock of reading a grinning cow licking a boy's bumbum.

DEWDROP 003

I very much has't not much to sayeth about this. All i'll just sayeth is this entry wast just th're. Thou art sleeping mine own lief. CATCH NOT BUT A WINK, CATCH NOT BUT A WINK, WAKETH UP!!

I really don't have much to say about this. All I'll just say is this entry was just there. You are sleeping my dear. DON'T SLEEP, DON'T SLEEP, WAKE UP!!

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

DEWDROP 003

I think you have heard so many times that you are an amazing writer and an even better storyteller, so I'm not going to stroke your ego this stage because you massively... MASSIVELY disappointed me.

You are too comfortable. You are not ready to push yourself or challenge yourself out of your comfort zone and it's getting really tiring to see. I need you to read your own story and let me know what exactly is funny about it. Is it the fact that Kambili was obsessing over fine boy, or the fact that she burnt water because that shit happens. It's almost normal. It's not an exaggerated thing that can make someone laugh, and yeah... I didn't laugh ☹️.

AANG 035

I'm not going to lie to you, your work made me cringe. Bad.

Punctually errors (even after sending two notes on punctuations to you guys), poor sentence construction and even poorer worded sentences. If your aim was to write a Farce (a Farce is a play about ridiculous and absurd situations that is intended to make people laugh, just in case you don't know), you didn't deliver.

More so, if your aim was to make us laugh with the way Feranmi was acting, then no, it didn't work. I speak for myself when I say that her behavior pissed me off in more ways than one. She had the potential to bring the comedy out of this story but you only succeeded in making her grossly unbearable and cringey.

And for heaven's sake, traffic exists in the States. It's not a new concept and it should not be a new thing to Jeff. And how the hell did the upper half of the car door suddenly pop off it's hinges? How! Did a buffalo fall from the sky and land on the car?

Lastly, what's you people's obsession with Cow? And Cow's grin? You have seen a Cow grinning? More importantly, why im dey lick shit! Off yansh sef! Kai!

JUDGE ARUNDHATI ROY

AANG 035

Just because we asked for something funny does not mean you have to give us something ridiculous because that's the only word I can think of, with the inclusion of a cow into your story. That's just ridiculous.

Your story is really captivating, I love the beginning, I love the YA part, I love the conversations, just everything and it was really doing justice to the theme and I was already smiling and you know, about to break into that huge laughter while expecting the peak of the story and out of nowhere, you just hit me with a cow. I laughed sha, but it was not because it was funny but because it was ridiculous.

You still have prospect and I'm kind of impressed with everything if we leave out the cow part.

DEWDROP 003

Because you're like the star of the competition, I had very high expectations and I think that's why the disappointment hit hundred times harder. You entry did not do any justice to the theme at all. I did not laugh, I did not even crack a smile.

I don't know if you're relenting because of all the raves you've been getting or if this stage is just hard for you but if it's the former, then please, don't. This is a competition and you can't relax, not for a second.

JUDGE JK ROWLING

Look, I am not quite sure what to make out of this batch. I had some issues with two of these stories.

DEWDROP 003

I will talk about DewDrop first. I like the plot, it's cute. However, it all seemed a bit too much...

We asked for comedy, not extra characters. I mean, comedy can be done by making characters extra, sure, but judging through the entirety of entries I saw, it became clear to me that people can't think of any other way to create a comical effect without being 'chaotic'. And secondly, it's alright if you can still pull off the comedic effect while having extra characters, but it just becomes a drag if the characters are just extra and not particularly funny. It kinda ruins everything. This female lead is just like any other teen or youth I'd see out there, and yes, a bit extra, but not enough to conclude she is comedic.

The point is... You all should learn to think outside the box, at all times. You're a good writer and yeah, I will give it to you, you have a sharp creative mind, but I'm starting to get too relaxed with you. I'm starting to get used to you. And almost predict you in a way. And I shouldn't. I shouldn't be able to predict you too easily or know your next move. Not when you are a writer. You're doing a good job, but I want to see more.

You can't relax in your comfort zone. Or avoid thinking outside the box.

Especially when we are in a contest when we know that the 'norm' is going to be employed a lot by everybody. Or most people. Let's learn to stand out remarkably competition with our works. In fact, in life in general. You're trying, but I'm not satisfied yet.
That's all I have to say.

It was a good story. But that was it. It was just like any other good story I would read out there. And the comedic effect was okay. I was not cracking up, but I broke a few smiles here and there.

AANG 035

However, 035 Aang, I would applaud for taking an approach to the work that was a bit different. Like I said in Dewdrop's work, comedy doesn't only work when characters are particularly dramatic, but there are other ways to still write a story that can erupt laughter. Aang, you started off with a kid... That was brilliant. Children are freaking hilarious. That was a clear opportunity to exploit your plot and do wonders with it...

However, you didn't still nail it perfectly, even with this 'hack'. What a pity. I would commend the effort though. Judging through the last stages, I can see that you took the notes on punctuations more seriously; even if your punctuations are not top notch yet, I can see you tried. So, yeah, I like the effort. One thing I like about you is the way you think. I see you have bright ideas, all that's needed is to work on your execution. You can ruin a good idea with bad execution. Your story has a hundred and one ways it could have been written better. But that's why you are here... To learn and grow, right?

Try this next time when writing a story. Have a work where you write down all your thoughts and ideas. Then, have a perfect understanding of your plot for yourself. Create the sequence of activities and give each activity a significance to the plot; this is *very* important so as to not go off script or employ scenes in your work that go away from the power point of your story. Then, write.

By the time you have a better understanding of your general plot, that would be a perfect way to get yourself in the right direction. It is also a way to know which characters are your strong 'marketing points' for your genre, so you don't end up putting the spotlight on weaker characters.

Your story started off with the kid, Feranmi. This character would have been a powerful highlight for you to use to ACE this genre. But you missed it and started focusing on Jeff and a freaking cow. I don't get the cow obsession, but yeah, you missed it. Learn to detect your power points in your plot and characters and *stay on track*. I hope you make it to the next stage for me to see if you worked on all these.

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

DEWDROP 003

There was something in your writing style that just didn't do it for me. Some writing tips were even misused. This was an embarrassing story for the girl. That's it. Comedy, no.

The whole story was just mid ( I don't even use this word). See what you pushed me to do. Comedy isn't your thing, rii? Maybe little jokes here and there but not a write-up.

AANG 035

Your story should have been titled Trauma because it nearly traumatized me. Or Revulsion, because I am revolted. For one good hour, I was just flabbergasted.

Commentator: That was the first pair, cribbers and you have heard from the judges yourself. Who was your favorite?👀

Let's welcome our second pair🎊

004 Maeta_ah VS 034 HandsomeLad42

004 Maeta_ah

Story entry:

Deep in the bustling streets of Lagos, lived a young man, full of youth and confidence.

Or maybe he was just egotistical.

"Daniel! Do fast!"

Daniel scoffed, emerging from the church's restroom with a smug look on his face as he ran his hand through his now twisted, brown locks and nipped at his bottom lip, feigning seduction.

"How many times have we talked about this?"

His friend, Joshua, stared at him in disbelief, irritation evident on his face as Daniel continued, "Art takes time, boy. You don't rush looking gorgeo-"

"Shut up."

His smile progressively morphed into a frown, a pout comfortably occupying his lips as he eyed the shorter one in disgust, "You're just jealous you can't get bitches."

"Oh, please. Who's the one attending their ex's wedding?"

He held a finger to Joshua's lips, pressing it against the plum flesh and shushing him, "Quiet. She's not my ex yet. She still loves me. She's just...going through a phase. Yeah yeah, like the prodigal so- Ew! Did you just lick me, you dog?!"

Joshua shrugged as Daniel frantically wiped his finger on his black suit, desperate to remove even the slightest trace of saliva from it, even though he could just use the tap. They were in a bathroom, afterall.

"How many times have we talked about this? Don't touch me with your dirty hands, boy."

"Die." Daniel spat, strutting out of the bathroom and towards the wide halls, leaving his amused friend to laugh by himself.

He took deep breaths, staring out to the main service room and observing as people gathered and took their seats at the round tables, the groom, Jacob, waiting at the altar with a disgustingly handsome smile plastered across his face.

What gave him the right to look so happy? He was marrying Daniel's babe, not his. Dara was the love of Daniel's life, not Jacob's pathetic, lowlife, backstabbing, betrayal-filled one.

"Let it go, Daniel." he heard Joshua say form behind him, placing his hand on Daniel's shoulder, "Remember, she broke up with you herself. If she chooses to settle with someone better than you, then you should accept it like a man."

"He's not better than me. I'm perfect for her." Daniel replied, rolling his eyes, "And no one broke up with anybody. I just said I wanted a break and she took it the wrong way."

"Sure, a 'break' that was long enough for her to find another man, fall in love and get engaged." Joshua spat, walking past Daniel to find a chair, "You're just pained. Get over it already, weirdo."

Left alone in an empty hall, Daniel decided to take a harmless stroll, pacing aimlessly along the church corridors.

It was just a stroll. He didn't mean to eavesdrop on two random bridesmaids' conversation. And he certainly didn't mean to stop and continue listening,
"What a beautiful wedding, don't you think?"

"Forget beautiful. Did you hear about Jacob's bachelor's party last night?"

"You mean about his brother inviting 'exotic dancers'? I also heard he even spiked the drinks. I bet it was heaven, unlike us that were stuck drinking normal wine and bingeing Netflix."

"Honestly. But obviously, something must've happened last night. Won't that be cheating?"

"And so? Jacob has always been a whore na. Leave him and his whorish ways. Na Dara sabi, nobody sent her to marry him. Na mumu dey love."

"It's true sha. But I would kill to have sex with him again."

Now, Daniel had never been the type to eavesdrop, talk less of spreading whatever he heard everywhere. But, this was the love of his life they were talking about.

He had to do something to stop the wedding, anything to bring Dara back home with him.

He scurried off to the service hall, taking a seat beside Joshua as he adjusted his suit and tried his best to contain his excitement.

"What's wrong with you?" Joshua questioned, eyeing the other sceptically, "You're irritating me, bro. Stay in one place."

Daniel huffed and stopped squirming, turning to look at Joshua with a triumphant look, "I've figured it out."
"Figured what out?"

"How to get Dara back."

Joshua quirked a brow, staring at Daniel with uncertainty, " God abeg. Don't do anything stupid, please."

"Just watch and see, bro. I'm a genius, I swear."

He turned to observe the atmosphere, falling into a comfortable silence as the church lights dimmed, focusing on the entrance as Dara walked in with her ethereal, long, wedding gown as it swept the floor. Literally. The gown was that long.

Daniel let a soft exhale escape his lips, preparing himself for what was to come. He observed as Dara waltzed to the altar, lacing her hand in Jacob's and smiling like she had just won the lottery.

He kept quiet as Jacob's lips met with Dara's hand in an affectionate peck and silently waited until the vows were about to be made.

Daniel banged his hand on the table forcefully, successfully grabbing the attention of the guests around him.

He climbed up the table, standing there proudly and ignoring Joshua's exasperated expression of exhaustion as he tugged the hem of his trousers in desperation.

"Are you dumb? Get the f*ck down! You're humiliating!"

Daniel shook Joshua's hand off and focused his attention to the priest, Dara and Jacob who gazed at him irritatedly.
"I object!"

"This isn't a court, you idiot. You can't object." Joshua snapped, recoiling in embarrassment.

Daniel's lips formed an 'o' as he made a face of realisation, failing to acknowledge the looks of disapproval shot his way, "Yeah, well, I'm doing whatever they do in churches."

He took a deep breath, his gaze determined as he continued, "Dara, my love! He cheated on you!"

The sudden announcement, although unwanted, elicited gasps from the congregation, simply urging Daniel to continue.

"And he slept with one of your bridesmaids! Would you really settle for getting married to a cheate-"

"Daniel, shut up and sit down. Who are you to talk about cheating?" Dara scoffed, her patience running thin.

"Look, darling, let bygones be bygones. Why can't you see I'm the one for you? I would treat you so right, like the princess you are. Don't you want that?"

Dara rolled her eyes dismissively, "Someone escort this goat outside, biko."

"But-"

"Just get out."

Daniel huffed, jumping down from the table and heading towards the exit, trying his best to ignore the blatant stares and letting the first hand embarrassment sink in.
He turned and looked at her one last time, pouting in defeat as he took in Jacob's sly smirk and look of victory.

034 HandsomeLad42

Story entry:

Legs wobbling and hands stretched apart like a penguin, I make slow steps on the shaky wooden plank stretching out of the ship. I glance down to see the deep blue waters rippling underneath me. I gulp before moving my head backwards to see the crowd which must have gathered by now. To my utter disappointment, no single person is in sight.

I frown, forgetting where I am for a moment. Bola had just one job. Just one job! And he managed to mess it up. I sigh, stomping my right foot on the floor. I'm rewarded with a cracking sound before I begin to sway from side to side.

A yelp escapes my lips, tears sliding down my cheeks as I struggle to maintain my balance. My heart rate swings along with the plank and for a moment I see my death flashing before my eyes. If someone had told me that I would die while attempting to fake suicide I would have laughed in their face.

I squeeze my eyes shut, my heart thundering in ears. My eyes remain shut for about a minute or two but I don't die. At least I don't feel dead. I slowly open my eyes.

"Peahen!"

I already know who it is before I turn. Only one person calls me by that name, the class clown-Dozie. The name originated since my JS 1 from the first dance competition I took part in.

The other girls were dancing better than me and I knew I didn't stand a chance. I don't know what evil spirit led me to suddenly start twerking when I didn't even know how to.
I practically traumatized everyone there. Our head girl just gaped at me wondering what in the hell I was moving since it definitely wasn't my butt. Back then I had thought that my moves were so good, she was shocked.

It was later on when I saw the video that I realized how much I embarrassed myself and my mean expression was the icing on the cake. I was legit feeling like a baddie while I actually looked like a peahen in labour.

And that's where Dozie coined the name from. It stuck for a while but gradually faded. He's the only one who refused to give up on the name.

"You wan twerk for us again!?" he called out, earning a round of laughter.

I glance around to find that people have actually gathered. I can't help the smile forming on my lips. Bola did it! But where the hell is he?

"Akindele, what is the meaning of this drama?"

Mrs. Waje's voice alerts me of her presence and I turn to find her walking in with Bola behind her. Jade sashays in at that moment with Daniel by her side. Bingo!

"I'm talking to you! Get down from there!"

Her voice is authoritative but I don't budge. She's one of the most lenient teachers so I know it's all bark. I spare Jade a glance before beginning my drama.

"Ma, I'm sorry. I won't come down. I don't feel like living anymore."

I don't know if it's the wind but tears trickle into my sockets-not that I'm complaining. I lower my eyes, pretending to blink away the tears.

"Oya jump na! What are you waiting for?"

Dozie's voice fills the air earning another round of laughter. I try not to glare at him.

"Akindele, please come down. We can talk about this."

Mrs. Waje's voice is calmer now, motherly-even.

"No! There's no use. I'm pregnant and he doesn't want the child. Why should I be alive?"

Tears rapidly stream down my face. I don't know how at this point but I'm grateful.

"Uwa mgbede!"

Someone says out of nowhere earning another round of laughter. Mrs. Waje quiets everyone down before facing me again.

"Who is he?"

I search for Jade and our eyes meet before I say the next name.

"Daniel."

Hushed whispers fill the air as attention shifts to the new main character of the story-Daniel and of course his girlfriend, Jade.

I fix my eyes on Jade waiting for a crack, a slip in her perfect facade but I get none. It irks me how she still manages to maintain her demeanor.

I expected her to cry, rip her hair out, even go ballistic on Daniel but she just had to be the Jadeshola Adeife, the epitome of perfection.

Everything was handed down to her on a platter. The whole Nigeria worships the very soil she steps on. She had fame even before she came to our school and automatically, the crown of queen bee fell to her.

To top it off, she's brainy; everyone thinks of her as gorgeous and she just has to be dating the hottest boy in school.

It takes a minute before she cracks. As if timed, her eyes glisten and she turns to Daniel who's still trying to register my accusation.

"Is it true?"

Daniel stares at her with widened eyes.

"Don't tell me you believe her. I told you I was past this stage, I'm no longer the person I used to be."

His voice cracks towards the end, his eyes moistening. Jade looks away from him.

"I don't know what to believe."

He cups her face, forcing her to look at him. They stare at each other for an annoyingly long period of time. I'm about to say something when I hear Daniel's voice.

"What do you want to believe?"

His thumb strokes her cheek and she closes her eyes, leaning further into his touch. I blink; trying to understand what's going on. This has to be playing.

"I want to hear the truth from you, I promise I'll believe whatever you say," Jade says, her lashes fluttering as she looks up at Daniel.

I hold the urge to scream. She's already budging. She should be doing anything but budging! I have to do something, fast!

"She's telling the truth."

I don't process Daniel's words before the next words come tumbling out of my mouth.

"Stop lying and. . . Wait, what?"

You know that point when your Windows tells you an app isn't responding? That's my brain to me right now.

Did Daniel just admit to doing something he didn't? Why? How? Hold on, am I even still in the right story?

I don't even try to hide my surprise as I work through what he just said. I'm still trying to process it when I hear a voice that sends a shiver down my spine.

"Ife, why are you standing there?"

The moment I turn towards the direction the voice came from, I lock eyes with my mother. How on earth did she get on the ship?

"Mrs. Akindele, I'm so glad you're here. Ife-I mean, your daughter was just about to commit suicide because she's pregnant with my child and didn't know how to tell me. I-"

"Hold on," Mom says, cutting Daniel off.

I just remain where I am trying to figure out of I'm dreaming. I look down at the water still rippling under me. Maybe jumping into it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"Ife, please what is he saying?"

"M-mom, I have no idea. I don't-I don't even know what's going on here, I-"

"I thought you wanted to commit suicide because of him," Mrs. Waje says, only adding fuel to the fire.

I cuss under my breath. Wrong timing.

"Mom, I swear I'm not lying. I only did this to gain attention. I'm not pregnant. I don't even talk to Daniel on a normal basis. Please believe me."

Real tears cloud my eyes now as I stare at my mother.

"I believe you," she says causing me to raise my brow.

I didn't think it would be that easy.

"Bola told us everything," Jade says out of the blue, stepping closer. "I thought he was lying but guess I was wrong."

Bola told them? I should have drowned that fool when I had the chance to.

Jade's eyes are red as she stares at me. I try not to roll my eyes. Once again, she's made everything about her.

"To think I considered you a best friend. I know how many times I missed important shoots just to be there for you. I even convinced the school to let us have prom on this cruise just because it coincided with your birthday."

I blink. My birthday?

"You know what, fuck this shit."

She leaves and Daniel goes running after her. I watch as the population thins until no one is left.

"Come on, will you get down from there my friend. Or are you waiting for me to come and carry you?!"

My mother's voice causes me to flinch and I turn to find her killer glare on me. I look away quickly before trying to walk back into the ship. I miss a step, my ankle twisting in the process.

One thought rings through my head as I fall. I can't swim.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE JAMES HARDLEY CHASE

MAETA_AH 004

Lol, it's the someone escort this goat outside for me, I enjoyed the story, it was a good one, I smiled while reading, also glad it wasnt all over the place, you knew what you wanted to do and stuck to it. This was a very good read, thank you.

HANDSOMELAD42 034

Wow, I honestly enjoyed your story, this is the first story I actually did more than smiling while reading, I chuckled, lol, I actually laughed. May we not fall into unfortunate circumstances. Handsomelad this is beautiful.

JUDGE JANE COREY

MAETA_AH, 004

What exactly did I just read? Where is the humor? Okay, you went to your ex's wedding with a pure heart, and then decided to sabotage it? In fact, you were asked to write comedy not some betrayed wedding. In conclusion, I did not laugh 😪😪

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

Your own was confusing oo, from the beginning to the semi end...
Why did she want the attention?
Why was she jealous of Jade, when Jade stated that they were besties?
I sha laughed small, just small, a slight chuckle when she fell off the cruise boat and remembered she couldn't swim.

JUDGE ACTON BELL

MAETA_AH 004

Okay, Maeta, your story made me laugh.😂🥲 However, I did notice that you broke some dialogue punctuation rules. And I refuse to point the exact mistake out because you were given a document that explains the bananas of the whole thing.🤝🏽 Go read am again. That said, I think your story was fine. Could have been more, but yeah, fine.

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

And you, HandsomeLad. Hm. This time, I actually saw that you tried. Compared to the last two stages. Your work was neat. You used a couple of punctuations wrongly, your tense use was also inconsistent, but you still tried. I see effort. But sir, your story no make me laugh oh.

JUDGE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

MAETA_AH, 004

*sighs* this didn't just doth t at all

*Sighs* This didn't just do it at all.

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

The tw'rking parteth reminds of one tw'rking whatsapp sticketh'r😭😂 i wonneth't forswear sha, i wast quite did confuse conc'rning wh're those gents w're, but mine own confusion clear'd up eventually. At first, i bethought those gents w're on a ship, then the next, t wast liketh those gents w'ren't anym're. And then h'r moth'r cameth. Omo, mine own brain wast not braining sha. 😂 so i'll bid thee to w'rk on thy w'rld building. Alloweth thy readeth'rs beest acknown of the surroundings. Anyways, god beest with ife as the lady tries not to drowneth. 😂

The twerking part reminds of one twerking WhatsApp sticker😭😂 I won't lie Sha, I was quite confused concerning where they were, but my confusion cleared up eventually. At first, I thought they were on a ship, then the next, it was like they weren't anymore. And then her mother came. Omo, my brain was not braining sha.😂 So I'll tell you to work on your world building. Let your readers be aware of the surroundings. Anyways, God be with Ife as she tries not to drown.😂

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

MAETA_AH, 004

No, Maeta_ah. Just, no.

Your story had the potential to be a funny one but it fell out terribly. With the kind of information Daniel had against Jacob, he could have destroyed that wedding in the worst way possible. He could have turned that entire wedding upside down, break Jacob and Dara up, and even chopped slap on top.

Instead, he just accepted defeat like that after much karamo to get Dara back. So much wasted potential, and it's annoying.

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

Asides the slight switch in tenses, your story was a rather funny one. I didn't laugh, but it was good enough to make me smile and giggle a bit. I also shouting "Ahh" at the last part when she missed her step and fell into the pool (was it pool) and on her way down, she remembered she can't swim 🙆🏾‍♀️😂.

JUDGE ARUNDHATI ROY

MAETA_AH, 004

Hmmmmm. Deep sigh

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

I'm honestly confused. What was the theme of this stage again?

JUDGE JK ROWLING

004 Maeta_ah VS HandsomeLad42, 034

Hands down my favorite pair so far😂🫱🏿‍🫲🏿 No one can tell me otherwise. Both of you deserve accolades abeg! And then, coincidentally, there is a Daniel in both your stories and both of them are mad. 😂 I LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I hate that one of you has to win against the other. I hate it!! Two of you really deserve to be in the Green Line. Look, no matter what the results are, both of you actually deserve the Green Line. You did impeccable!🔥

MAETA_AH, 004

004 Maeta_ah, Daniel is a lunatic. 😂 I loved the introduction of his character, it literally got me cackling in the second line. I loved the progression of the work too; from the beginning to the end, I was hooked. Ngl, the ending was a bit abrupt, but my spirit is telling me you wanted to cut words to stick to the word count. All in all, I loved this!😂🫱🏿‍🫲🏿

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

And HandsomeLad42, what the fuck???😂🔥You nearly got me in trouble, laughing inside bus like a mad man/woman. 'Twerking everything that was not my ass'? 😂😂😂 And, I absolutely LOST it when she climbed to take her life. I think that was the worst. The progression of how things happened, the story flow, everything was perfect. This work was perfect. I enjoyed it too much that I almost to give another part of my review on something I picked up.

This may be the most mind blowing improvement in Project Pen so far. I'm lost for words. You improved so much in this work that I almost started to wonder at some point if it were the same person that wrote it. I love that! Everything about this work was on point. I honestly don't have anything to critique.

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

MAETA_AH, 004

My own is did Daniel wash his hand? Before that one *insert nauseous emoji* licked it? That whole scene did my body mirin mirin. And everything, ". " this one spat, that one spat. Isn't there any other way for them to talk? Don't use the word 'spat' too much in a writeup unless the person actually spits. E.g Toddlers, old people, those with teeth and tongue issue coordination. . .you get my drift.

Now, this whole story was going on a tarred road then just swerved and entered railway lines. I know right? So off point. And he climbed on table in Church? Abi, it's not Church they were doing the wedding?

It didn't hit the mark for me.

HANDSOMELAD42, 034

Your writing has improved a lot. Clap for yourself. I, no offense, actually enjoyed your story for the first time. The setting was different from the usual ones and the character was interesting.

I didn't laugh but it entertained me and I'm interested to know what happened to her after falling in the water.

Tbh, I like your story.

Commentator: Omo! This stage is hot ooo!😂🔥 Y'all have heard from our Judges.

Let's move on to the next pair.

005 Mara Vs 033 Myobbo

005 Mara

Prompt title: Trauma

Story entry:

"Mummy, please let's buy it here," I beg for the third time today. The sun's heat is blistering, I can feel sweat trickling down my back.

My Mother walks up to one of the vendors, a tall man with a scar on his cheek. "Oga, how much be onions?" She inquires, totally ignoring me. Here we go again. She has asked this same question in three different places, pricing it at ridiculous amounts.

Shifting my weight onto my left leg, I survey the bustling market with my eyes. The scene is filled with people hurriedly moving about in a frenzied motion, their expressions a blend of weariness mirroring my expression. The ground beneath my feet is slippery from the presence of water and mud.
The vendor's thick Igbo accent pulls me out of my thoughts, "Na onefive, mah."

"Ah. Shey ole ni e? Are you a thief?" My Mother lifts her brows in a questioning gesture.

"Ah, Mummyyyyy!" I exclaim, I can feel a bubble of laughter rising in my chest.

"Eh?" the vendor's face morphs into confusion, his eyes darting back and forth between both of us, trying to follow the conversation.

"How much be last price?" she asks, glaring at him as if he wanted to cheat her.

"Just bring onetwo make I sell am for you," the vendor says, unfolding a black nylon.

"You no go sell am five hundred?" My mother asks, her face impassive and her tone casual.

The vendor's jaw drops in disbelief. "Kuku carry am hundred naira because I dey fear you," he said, his face flushed in anger and his teeth gritted. I bite my lips to suppress my laughter, but I can feel my lips twitching.

"Shey na because I wan follow you buy market?" My mum starts, sizing the vendor up and down before turning to look at me. "Yinka let's go jhoor."

I let out a snort of laughter, unable to contain it any longer. Somebody who has traumatized most sellers has finally met her match.

Suddenly, my mother stops in her tracks, whips around, and gives me a sharp smack on the back of my head. The sound reverberates through the market. All eyes turn to us, and I can feel my face burning with embarrassment. I just stand there, frozen, staring at her in disbelief.

"Why are you laughing? Eh, Yinka? Am I a joke to you?" she yells, not minding that a huge crowd is already gathering in front of us. I lower my head in shame.

"Tell your Mama sorry naw," someone says, and my face flushes.

"No mind am, small children no get respect again," another person says, I look up and she rolls her eyes at me. "Madam, okro no fit draw pass im owner, if she do anyhow beat am." The other sellers nod their heads in agreement.

Going to the market is tiring, but going to the market with somebody like my mother is traumatizing. The crowd start to dissipate, each person giving me one last disapproving look.

033 Myobbo

Prompt title: MY FAMILY HOUSE: A TAPESTRY OF COMMOTION AND MEMORIES.

Story entry:

As the door swung open, Papa stumbled into the sitting room, looking disheveled.
He was a sight to behold, as I tried to hold in the laughter threatening to burst my windpipe.
With each step, Papa wobbled and swayed like a ship in a drunken charade.
He finally found his way onto the chair and collapsed on it.

The wobbly legs of the chair had a different plan and finally decided to give up today, as it crumbled under my father's weight, sending him on a comical descent to the floor.

I liked to say he disobeyed the laws of physics and had a gravity-defying moment on that chair.
"Eweyyy," I exclaimed as I erupted in fits of laughter.

Mama turned to my direction, her eyes filled with disapproval.
Talk about bombastic side eye.
"Ewu, won't you go help your father up?"
She scolded, clearly not finding my laughter amusing.

I grumbled as I walked over to lift him onto the couch with the help of Mama.

After some few minutes of soberness, I finally heard some grunts and sniffs from him;

"Where is my food, these useless women?" He shouted, trying to assert authority.

Mama and Mummy Ike scurried around, trying to bring his food.
I stood there, questioning why they bothered to please him at all.

Mama placed a palatable dish of Ofe Akwu Banga soup and Pounded yam on a shaky wooden stool.
Meanwhile, Mama lke catwalked in - clothed in a flowing bubú and faded gold bangle. She scrunched up her nose carrying a plate filled with fried potatoes and ketchup - She got it for a lesser price at the market. Probably fake

They both struggled to place the food in front of my drunk father.

He waved his hand over them in a bid to make them keep quiet, as he took off his shirt stained with vomit and spittle.

"Mama Ike, go wash this shirt. You still haven't learnt to cook heavenly food." He sneered, as he dipped his hand into the washing bowl.

Mama burst into laughter.

Mummy Ike hissed, picked the cloth and returned to her chair.

"Some people think it's only about making local foods, while their children reek of uselessness." She crossed her bleached legs, her toe nails painted bright red.

Her legs were so bright that they could guide you through a black out.
I often question this woman's placement of words and fashion sense.

Mama obviously refused to back down;
"Hmm, some people have forgotten that I'm like a lioness, ready to bite anyone that insults my children."
Mama Ike stomped her legs vigorously, as if summoning her inner ferocity.

Suddenly, Ike walked in, dressed in a stiff purple shirt and trouser, carrying a briefcase.
Mama couldn't help but burst out laughing,
"Disappointment! see who they sent to school to study medicine," She teased, her tone adding an extra syllable to the word 'Medicine'

"Shut up, this woman," Mama Ike retorted
"At least, My son didn't faint in the operating theater out of cowardice," Mama snapped back.

Well, I can remember Ike trying to lay blame on the fact that there was no breakfast for him that morning being the reason he fainted, but we all know he can't stand the sight of blood.

Ike rolled his eyes, glanced at Papa, shook his head, and walked away.

Gruun gruun gruun
Papa snored like a broken Yamaha generator, oblivious to the commotion.
Mama quickly gathered the plates.
Mama Ike stood up to follow her into the kitchen, attempting to maintain balance on her high-heeled slippers.
I heard a loud thud as she landed on the ground.

Talk about a day of falls.

I tried to stifle my laughter but it was impossible.
I couldn't control myself as I burst out laughing.
"Useless girl," Mama Ike grumbled as she struggled to rise.

Papa abruptly woke up,
"Can't you women let me rest," Papa grunted,
"Where is that useless boy sef? Chibueze!" Papa called out.

My brother

He emerged from his room, with a guitar slung over his shoulder, looking like an abandoned scarecrow.

"Why are you this foolish." Papa asked.
"Are you sure you're my first born?"

Mama and Mama Ike returned to the sitting room.
Mama frowned at the remark.
"When I saw you performing at the bar today, I felt so embarrassed," He said drawing his words
"You go around with your voice like that of a cat being strangled, embarrassing this family. Go and return that guitar you hired, this instant." Papa thundered

Okay, this is true. Who sings contemporary in a reggae audition? He needs a new career as soon as possible.
Ibadan Ed Sheeran.

"My son is just trying to make money," Mama murmured.

Suddenly, Ezinne, our last born, walked in with Tobe by her side.

"What happened again," Mama questioned

"Kola's uncle gave everyone Oreos and asked us to dip it in milk," Ezinne started, swallowing intermittently.

Okay, this is bound to be funny

"Uh-oh, what happened next," I asked,

Tobe went inside Papa's room and put it in his jar of milk." Ezinne rapped on like a parrot.

"What milk is in my room? Do you mean my expensive jar of Bailey's that I just got" Papa roared as he stood up to get a hold of Tobe.

Mama Ike stood up to protect her son
"Why would you keep your drink around the house carelessly?" She said stubbornly

As Papa raised his hand to brush her away.
We heard a knock.

So soon?

I went to open the door and met our Pastor
I opened the door wide as everyone scampered around.
Papa grinning stupidly.

"Welcome Pastor, what a pleasant surprise," he said quietly

"Peace be onto this house o. Deacon, it's been a long time since we saw you in the church o." Pastor replied as he sat down.

I went into the room peeping from the curtains as Mama greeted him kneeling down, Mama Ike tried to emulate failing woefully with her huge attire.
They both went to the kitchen to prepare something again.
"Ada" I heard mama scream my name
I ran to the kitchen already inhaling the savory aroma of Irish potatoes.

"Go and buy Pastor chilled drink from the next compound" Mama said as she scooped the left over pounded yam.

As I stepped out of the house, I saw Aunty Uloma and her nosy sister peeking at our house, probably wondering what brought about the noise in our house again.
I ignored them, nosy lots.

I got the drink from Papa Emeka's thatched shed and scurried back home avoiding Emeka.

As I stepped into the house, I noticed the Pastor's half eaten plate of potatoes and was aware of who won this awful match.
Mama sat down with a fake smile plastered on her face.
I dropped the drink beside his plate and went back to my hiding spot.

After the prayers and everything, The Pastor finally bade them farewell and left.
Everywhere became a little bit calm.

We heard a knock once more,

Finally

"Ada!" Mama called my name but I pretended not to hear her.
"Good evening young men," Papa greeted

"Good evening sir, I am a broker from Hathaway realty, this house has been leased out and we want to start working on it." Mr Damilola said calmly.

"What broker? From where to where? This is the wrong address my friend," Papa said, half screaming.

This house was already bound to scatter,
I only helped a little.

"We have the original document that was sold to us by a certain Miss Ada Onwuchekwa," He read out.

Bummer, I should have used a fake name.

"Ada, come out here, come out from that room," Papa thundered.

I saw a fuming Mama enter the room, she gave me a long stare and dragged me by my ear from the bedroom to the sitting room.
Mama Ike was head over heels in laughter.

"What's the meaning of this rubbish I'm hearing" Papa inquired.

"Yes, I did it. I sold this house." I retorted.

The papers were not even hard to find in the first place.

Mama Ike doubled up in laughter.
I felt a jolt as Mama landed a slap on my face.

"We'll be back sir, please keep the house in order." Mr Damilola said as they stepped out sensing the commotion.

Papa fell back on the chair weakly while
I continued receiving different shades of slap.

Ike and Chibueze ran to the parlor probably to find out what happened.

But I'm happy, Emeka needs this money, we need to go abroad together.
With this thought, I closed my eyes to reality and I envisioned us on the plane.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE JAMES HARDLEY CHASE

MARA 005

Lol, its how some people wont mind there business for me, especially market women. It's the tell your mummy sorry for me. Mothers and pricing in a way that would embarrass the hell out of you. I love the fact it's within the word count, straight to the point and a relive from the few I have read so far. I liked it.

MYYOBO 033

Hmmm, honestly the beginning gave me some sort of hope, but as it progressed I lost it. This story was just all over the place. Sorry it didn't meet my expectations.

JUDGE JANE COREY

MARA, 005

This was damn humorous, especially when the mother priced that onion at five hundred naira, I can totally relate. It is like a trend among mothers to do this markets 😂😂😂

MYYOBO, 033

To be honest, I tried to find the funny parts but I saw none. Instead of laughter, I got annoyed. Like why would you sell your parent's house cause of the kind boy that will leave you in the end. THIS IS NOT A COMEDY BUT AFRICAN MAGIC.

JUDGE ACTON BELL

MARA 005

Well, well. Mara, you wrote a relatable story. And your work was neat. I didn't laugh, though. But then, looking back at it, I realize that it was funny.😂 So many people have been in that situation. I think I might have been there, too. You know, with my mom giving me the stink eye.😂 So, yeah. Relatable.

MYYOBO 033

As for you, Myobbo. Your work was all over the place. No organization at all. Nada. It would have been funny, and maybe I'd have laughed, but your arrangement threw me off.🤲🏽 But I do appreciate the effort you put into writing something. And tbh, I did the see the image you were tryna show us. But next time-if there's gonna be one-do a better job at your arrangement and execution.

JUDGE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

MARA 005

African moth'rs and ridiculously pricing things ehn. 😂 So yinka just collecteth in public liketh that😭
Mara, this wast so simple and sh'rt. I did see 2 pages and i wast liketh "thank god oh. "😂 As t wast simple and sh'rt, t wast eke v'ry int'resting to readeth and i did enjoy t.

African mothers and ridiculously pricing things ehn.😂 So Yinka just collect in public like that😭
Mara, this was so simple and short. I saw 2 pages and I was like "Thank God oh."😂 As it was simple and short, it was also very interesting to read and I enjoyed it.

MYYOBO 033

I knoweth not the w'rds i can useth to describeth this entry. I'll just sayeth t wast very much scatt'red, dis'rganis'd. Aye. Those art the two w'rds i'll useth to describeth thy w'rk, and yond's all.

I don't know the words I can use to describe this entry. I'll just say it was really scattered, disorganised. Yes. Those are the two words I'll use to describe your work, and that's all.

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

MARA 005

Short and simple. I actually chuckled because what Yimika faced is very relatable. It's always a funny experience going to the market with your mum because you go walk taya and you don't dare complain. She will price good down to the most ridiculous amount and slap you if you protest in front of the vendor.

Bottom line, I liked your story.

MYYOBO 033

I don't think I understand the purpose of your story because I didn't laugh. There were so many things happening at once. It was confusing and way to disorganized.

JUDGE ARUNDHATI ROY

MYYOBO 033

Apart from the spacing that was muddled up with paragraphs running into each other and everything being all over the place, I think I like your story.

It's chaotic and funny, really funny and it also really shows the things that happen in real life. Wives competing for the affection of an obviously useless husband, a father trying to kill his child's dream because he deemed the dream as unworthy, and all that.

Your entry is pretty good and another thing I'll love to point out is your surface writing, your writing is almost perfunctory, like you're not paying attention to detail and you're just writing on the surface level. Use stronger words to describe and thank God, the class this stage is on descriptive writing, please pay attention to it, it'll really go a long way in making your writing better.

And punctuations! What happened? Why were you so stingy with your full stops?

MARA 005

A fairly good job, not that remarkable, it's just okay.

JUDGE JK ROWLING

MARA 005 V MYYOBO 033

Look, I love this pair so much. I hate that one of you has to be in the Red Line, to be honest. As much as I loved them, I instantly made my choice on who I'm picking.

MARA 005

First off, Mara, please put your hand on your head and say 'God dey create! And I am living proof of it!' because goddamit!🔥

I think LOVE is an understatement. I adored your work. Flash fiction at its finest. Funny and straight to the point. I laughed many times! I love the mum, she reminded me of my Mum in market scenarios. And when I read that 'Because I wan follow you buy market', I died. 😂😂😂Quick story, my brother had a playful altercation with me not long ago and was forming rugged. He tapped me on the back and said, "Come, no be you I dey follow you talk!"😂 And I found it really funny because I'm older and it's not me that he's using that tone on, in Jesus name. 😂

But it just reminded me of that entire situation. 😂Moreover, I loved how your work was not only funny, but also very relatable. The whole pricing thing that Nigerian mothers do, I hope they make heaven 😂😭

Nonetheless, I am absolutely in love with the neatness of your work. I've noticed that in you in Project Pen. Your work is always so organized and pretty. You wrote a work with pidgin and still made it the most organized story I have read so far in this stage. Omoh.🔥

I loved this tbh. This is a true work of art. You killed it in this stage abeg. 😂

MYYOBO 033

And Myobbo, you also did a great job. Your work was longer than Mara's work and I would rather advice working on ways to write an effective flash fiction, so you don't drag your work too much. However, your work made me laugh too. The dialogues were hilarious. The atmosphere in the air, the different personalities too. I laughed at the Chibueze part. 😂 This family reminded me of how chaotic my family is, but my dad isn't a sexist asshole o, but the house is just always busy with one madness or the other. 😂 This is a good example of making chaotic characters actually comedic.

I would just advice working on the length of your work, so it doesn't feel like a drag sha. Also, a bit more organization next time and you're good to go.

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

MARA 005

Why did her mother beat her? That was an unfortunate turn of event. The story was amusing. ✨

MYYOBO 033

Walk with me, Yobo. No, you know what? Sit. Yeah. I don't know what to say. Do I start from the arrangement of events? The fact you kept using words related to laughing to give a humorous vibe? The. . .the everything!

You wrote the brother fainted when he saw blood during surgery. So, since, throughout his medical journey (studying in Uni, residency) , playing and injuring himself, he didn't see blood? 🥲 No one saw he fainted and stopped him from going into that line?

Now, the FL wants to run away with one guy? One Emeka that does not have head or tail? Nna eh.

Don't.

This is my opinion. Take it from me, don't ever write this sort of thing again if they mention comedy. If they say 'comedy', it should not even near it. Mmh?

Unless, well, you want people to see it as a joke. If not, don't.

Commentator: Now, unto our final pair for this batch.

008 Nutcracker Vs 032 Delphinium

008 Nutcracker

Prompt title: Lights, Camera, Chaos

Story entry:

"Welcome back everyone to ProjectPen Simulator. The virtual reality talent show where we bring to your screens some of the most talented individuals across the cyberverse. My name is Weyimi, AKA Anty Wems. I am here to present the last contestant of the night. He goes by the name Antonio."

The flawless Weyimi turned her attention to the corner of the stage as a young man came on.

"Well Antonio-"

Weyimi was cut off by the flickering of the stage lights for a few seconds before a spotlight flickered on and focused on her and Antonio.
"I am sorry about that guys, we are down a light technician at the moment. You must have noticed that four of our judges are missing. It's because something urgent came up. Now Antonio, how about you tell us why you are here?" Weyimi urged.

"I want to show the judges my talent for comedic poetry." Antonio smirked.

"Well that's...different-I have never heard of that before. Good luck." Weyimi commented before leaving.

"Uhmm. Shall I compare thee to a sahara day?" Antonio said confidently.

The silence from the audience was deafening.

I had a feeling this wouldn't end well for poor Antonio. I was relieved when his act came to an end and Weyimi made her way back onto the stage. "All I can say is that it was... interesting. Now let's hear from the judges."

"Doth thee mock me?" Shakespeare asked as he twirled his quill between his fingers.

"Na wa O," Acton Bell sputtered

Weyimi gazed at Antonio sympathetically. "Well, the good news is... we can hire you as a light technician now."

As the votes were cast, the show closed. My roommate Folake was visiting her parents and so I was left to entertain myself alone.

I went to bed wondering what it would be like to be on ProjectPen Simulator.

"Chinwe, you are a level 2 student barely passing law at UniLag. What makes you think you could ever win ProjectPen Simulator?" I chastised.

What I wasn't aware of was, at that very moment the stars above me aligned. As a lightning bolt shot through my window and struck my bed.

...

A loud ringing sound filled my ears as I slowly opened my eyes to find a figure standing before me.

"Tori?" I gasped. Looking around me I found that I was standing on a large stage.

"Where am I?" I asked frantically. But Tori only groaned.

"On the set of ProjectPen Simulator. Now hop on a fish and flop like a deck." She rasped.

"Did you just quote SpongeBob... wrongly, I may add?" I asked her. "Yes. Now come on." She hissed as she pulled me backstage.

"So just to clarify. This is ProjectPen Simulator. You're the infamous 'Tori'. The Show Director." I asked her. "Yes. Try to keep up." She muttered.

"I must warn you. Some of the judges had to leave early and Jane Austen isn't elated. Then that bug appeared on our server. Your resume popped up on our systems - along with a few others. Our AI selected you to be tonight's guest judge." She explained but I was distracted by something else.

It was a figure in a mole costume lurking near a dressing room door. "What was that?" I asked.

"That's one of the contestants-a mole. The audience loves him. The contestants... not so much." She cackled.

"Who is the mole?" I questioned.

"Well that is for me to know and for you to... dot, dot, dot." She shrugged.

"Enough about that. We are here," shw announced as we stopped by a gold-plated door.

"Well good luck." Tori stated before pushing me through the door.

What I found left me speechless.

William Shakespeare was drawing a mustache on a sleeping Acton Bell. While Maya Angelou played with a parrot through its cage. JK Rowling and Jane Austen were having a staring contest.

Tori cleared her throat, as Acton Bell sat up with a start.

"I'm awake! I wasn't sleeping! No one draw a mustache on me!" She rasped.

"I think it's a little too late for that." JK Rowling mused. Acton Bell glared at William Shakespeare.

"Okay on a serious note. This is..." Tori spoke as she looked me over before furrowing her eyebrows. "What's your name again?

I had to pick a pseudonym fast. "Jacqueline Wilson." I blurted out nervously.

Tori went on to explain to the judges about the bug on the servers and what we had to do.

"So the others get a day off but we have to handle cleanup. It's giving... injustice." Jane Austen huffed in disapproval.

"It's giving slavery too. And we all know how THAT ended." Maya Angelou emphasized.

"That's why I brought help. The bug might have added a few TikToks in there so be sure to delete those." Tori warned as she slid a laptop onto the table.

We huddled around the laptop as we played the first tape.

"Get that bread. Get that money. And leave... and leave." My eyes widened in horror as a TikTok video popped up.

"This is going to be a long day." Jane Austen groaned.

"I don't knoweth, I kind of like t." William Shakespeare smirked.

...

For the next hour we sifted through the videos singling out those worthy of ProjectPen Simulator.

"Okay I need a breather. Where's the seasoning in these auditions? The salt? The maggi?" Jane Austen complained.

My eyes drifted to the chocolate bar in Maya Angelou's hand. Without thinking I snatched it from her before devouring it-wrapper and all.

"Well that's funny. Not funny haha. Funny, weird. There was a bowl of candy right there." She gestured towards the table.
I didn't know what came over me. I was just so hungry! I also felt a pain in my back and buzzing in my ears.

"Anyway... Let's get back to business." Maya Angelou said. "Yes. To defeat the Hans!" I announced, cackling at my own joke.

The silence that ensued was deafening.

Dishonor.

Dishonor on me. Dishonor on my family and my cow too.

"What I meant to say was... to find the bug and pick our favorites." I reiterated.

...

An hour later, we were done watching all the videos. "Who knew being a judge would be so hard." Acton Bell whined.

"Maybe we should have gotten Ralph Fiennes to replace you." Maya Angelou snickered causing JK Rowling to gasp.

"Don't mention 'he-who-shall-not-be-named'!" JK Rowling exclaimed.

Maya Angelou chortled, saying, "calm down Voldemort."

"About the bug... I say the mole is the bug." Jane Austen announced.

"I'm not the bug. I'm just a mole." The mole squeaked as his snout peaked from beneath the door.

The judges began to suspect each other after that. As bickering ensued.
Suddenly, I felt a burning sensation in my back. As it subsided, I looked down to find-I had four arms and a pair of wings.

The judges gasped in horror.

"Thou art a beetle-a bug ... literally." William Shakespeare guffawed.

"Well, well, well, how the turntables..." JK Rowling mused.

"Now I know why the caged bird sings." Maya Angelou whispered.

"So what are we going to do with you... Jacqueline?" Jane Austen asked as I took a step backwards.

"I say we train her to make an amazing Ratatouille." JK Rowling suggested.
"This isn't a Disney movie dear. I say.. Hasta la vista, baby!" Jane Austen snickered, whipping out a giant can of insecticide.

I opened my mouth to plead my case but instead I said...

"Vivid imagination
The only designer of our generation..."

I briskly broke out into the 'chef dammy dance' startling the others.

I was about to run when the door was thrown open, smacking me right in the face and knocking me out.

....

I sat up with a start as I glanced around my hostel room "Oh, thank goodness!" I whispered.

"Bad dream?" Folake buzzed from her bed, as she flapped her wings and her antenna vibrated.

"Yeah." I responded absentmindedly before realization dawned on me.

Wait... What?!

032 Delphinium

Story entry:

"Oga open the bag na, no too reason am. You hear say you get surprise you still dey here dey yarn nonsense."

Bola's voice only adds to my restlessness. I walk round the room for a minute before facing the box sitting at the entrance of my tiny apartment.

Bola no go understand. No be everyday surprise package go just show up for your front door. Wetin dey inside the box sef? How I go no say e no be snake?

"If you no wan open the box, I go open am," Bola says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"No worry. I go open am," I say, heading towards the box.

I observe the box as I get closer. The box big sha o. You sure say e no be fridge? E no go bad sha. At least e go dey better than the cupboard I dey use now, talk say I get fridge.

I shake my head. See as I dey here dey yarn nonsense. E no be like I go see light I go use power the fridge sef.

I say make I pause my thinking first, make I face this box understand wetin dey inside. I hit it.

"Yeeeeh!"

E shock me when I hear the sound and I bring my ear closer make I understand wetin I hear.

"Bola, you hear that sound?"

"Which kind sound be that sef?"

"Man voice for that matter, shuu."

I put my ear on the box, waiting for something to happen again. When nothing happens, I decide to open the box. A guy sprints out of it, the second I open it, like a wound-up jack-in-the-box toy and lurches at me.

I can only register strong hands wrapped around my neck before I begin to struggle for air. I gasp, gag, choke even, as I try to free myself.

Suddenly, the grip around my neck releases and I stagger back, trying to catch my breath. Bouts of cough elicit from me; rattling my chest. It takes a while for me to recover before I recognize my assailant who is struggling in Bola's hands.

I massage my neck as I blink trying to make sure I'm seeing properly.

"Obi? Na you be this? Which kind wahala be this again? Wetin you dey find for carton?"

Obi's eyes don red as he dey look me like say he wan squeeze life out of me.

"Abi you don't want to pay me back my money? Don't worry, I'll deal with you today."

Obi tries to lounge at me again but Bola restrains him. I seize the opportunity to run but Obi's voice halts me in my tracks.

"You think say you sabi run? Dey play. I go show you say I run pass you. It's me and you today."

He's still struggling in Bola's hands and I try to think of what to do. Luckily, Bola comes to my rescue.
"Calm down guy. Try dey relax. Oya tell me, wetin happen?"

Bola's words only do little as Obi continues to thrash about in his hands.

"You no hear when I talk say he dey owe me? Oga free me make I change am for this bastard."

Obi tries to free himself again but Bola's grip tightens around him. I try not to draw too much attention to myself as I gauge the distance between myself and the window. The window no too far sha.

"Na why you waybill yourself here?"

Bola no say anything but I don catch wetin my guy wan do. Thank God for him o. Bola abeg hold am. One more minute may I reach this window. Bola no fuck up now.

Obi, unsuspecting, falls into his trap.

"No be me cause am. Transport don cost. From Abia to here na 13k. Why I go spend that kind money? The bastard feel like say because he don run, I no go catch am. Na lie, we die here today."

"How much he dey owe you sef?"

"5k."

"And how much did you spend on waybill?"

"He'll be the one to pay for it. He'll even pay my transport fare as I'm going back."

I'm almost close to the window now. Just one more step and I'll be away from this lunatic.

The sound of something crashing ruins my smooth getaway. I remain still, moving my eyes between the shattered vase on the floor-with it's contents emptied out-and Obi, who is staring at me wide-eyed.

His eyes dart towards the window before moving back towards me. We both predict our next moves but I'm faster. I dash towards the window before he can even break free from Bola's grip.

The moment I get to the window; I look down. I gulp and take a step backwards. I turn around to see Obi racing towards me at full speed. The look on his face stops me from rethink and I launch myself through the window.

Unlike I had expected, the fall is brief and soon, I'm crashing into the spirogyra coated concrete floor.
Haew, first son of the family dey land inside spirogyra. May I sha dey run.

I wince as I try to stand up, afraid that I probably fractured a bone or two.

I try to steady my steps but I end up limping as I try to get as far away as possible from the apartment.

I force a smile as I walk past one of my friends.

"You still dey do the giveaway this night?" he asks, with an even broader smile.

I nod, before waving him. I bring out my phone as I limp down the street. I quickly dial the number of one of my guys.

After exchanging pleasantries, I go straight to the point.

"Guy abeg, I fit come your side. My house catch fire."

"Boy, I dey look your house. Which house catch fire, abi another one way I no know of?"

Haew Chim.

JUDGES REVIEW

JUDGE JAMES HARDLEY CHASE

NUTCRACKER 008

You are creative, staging the whole Project Pen drama, that was beautiful. If I was judging based on how creative you were, gee you got my all. The theme comedy, you didn't do justice to it at all. Nutcracker you always have me, trust me I am always rooting for you, but this didn't do it. You remain part of my tops, just keep doing you, always stick to the theme, we judge heavily on theme execution.

DELPHINIUM 032

This was a bit funny, but was Obi in that waybill box throughout the ride? It's how he came out and held the guy. How did he survive in the box for that long?Insude a package, since the transport fare from his place to where Bola stays is 13k, it must be one hell of a ride. I want to learn from Obi, especially how he managed to survive. Lol apart from the fact it was unrealistic, it was actually funny.

JUDGE JANE COREY

NUTCRACKER, 008

I only chuckled small when Action Bell said Na wa o. I chuckled small oo

DELPHINIUM, 032

I laughed 😌

JUDGE ACTON BELL

NUTCRACKER 008

Well, well, well, Nutcracker. Wow.😂 Just wow.😂 You caught my attention with this piece. I am absolutely amazed at your creativity. 😂😂😂 You got me laughing. And now, you've got me wishing Project Pen was an actual story.😭😭 As much as your story got me hooked, I'm not gonna overlook punctuation mistakes. I'm also not gonna overlook your overuse-so to say-of dialogue tags. It's not compulsory you use words other than "said" when tagging dialogue. Do you get? Said isn't dead. Sometimes, when you use other words, it disrupts the flow of your dialogue and the story itself. When you have two people speaking, it's okay to add action beats and remove the tags. Because we can tell who's speaking. But when we have more than two people speaking, use said. You could use other words, but don't let it be too much. Feel me? What else? Your organization, too. Something about the story was haphazard and scattered-work on that. I want to see something neater than this from you in the next stage, if you do get in. Understood? Good. I'm happy with your work, Nutcracker. Really happy.

DELPHINIUM 032

Oracle of Delphi.😂😂 Your story also made me laugh.😂😂 What the actual heck? 😂😂😂😂 In fact, I have no words. You tried with your narration in pidgin English. Made a couple of mistakes here and there with your misuse of the semicolon. And your work needs to be neater. But apart from all these, I enjoyed reading your story.

JUDGE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

NUTCRACKER 008

As i readeth, i bethought, this might not but forsooth beest a dreameth because what am i reading?? only weird things liketh this befall in dreams. Th're's nay way this is real. And i wast right! t wast a dreameth. 😂 I wonneth't forswear, i did enjoy thy entry nutcrack'r.

I'm sure i did look hot twirling yond quill between mine own fing'rs. I at each moment behold hot. Aft'r all, i'm the william shakespeare. *chuckles and wiggles brow sexily*

*sneaks hence to draweth a moustache and hideous eyebrows on acton bell's visage as the lady sleeps*

As I read, I thought, this must definitely be a dream because what am I reading?? Only weird things like this happen in dreams. There's no way this is real. And I was right! It was a dream.😂 I won't lie, I enjoyed your entry Nutcracker.

I'm sure I looked hot twirling that quill between my fingers. I always look hot. After all, I'm The William Shakespeare. *Chuckles and wiggles brow sexily*

*Sneaks away to draw a moustache and hideous eyebrows on Acton Bell's face as she sleeps*

DELPHINIUM 032

A lot of confusion h're. The switcheth between pidgin and english wast sup'r confusing. I knoweth not if 't be true thee w're trying to mixeth both at a pointeth, but t didn't behold valorous. Asides yond, thy st'ry wast int'resting, and i very much did enjoy t. ✨

A lot of confusion here. The switch between pidgin and English was super confusing. I don't know if you were trying to mix both at a point, but it didn't look good. Asides that, your story was interesting, and I really enjoyed it.✨

JUDGE MAYA ANGELOU

NUTCRACKER 008

Creative. I laughed just a tiny bit.

DELPHINIUM 032

I died at the "Heuw Chim" 😂

JUDGE ARUNDHATI ROY

NUTCRACKER 008

Ahnn😂🫶🏽 your opening paragraph got me already ❤️ Geez, your entry is very creative and all shades of funny. I enjoyed every moment of it.

DELPHINIUM 032

I laughed all through 😂 it's really funny and chaotic, like that perfect story to unwind after a heavy hectic day😂👍

JUDGE JK ROWLING

aiaiaisiisiaiaisididiakaksjsjsjsjhssj!!!😂😂😂😂 Nah, contestants, y'all tried in this stage please! This is too much. You are doing so well, goddamit!🔥And 032 Delphinium, my goodness, you are so full of talent! I cackled so much at this. The fact that Obi had to waybill himself on top 5k😂😂😂 Then, the end? Absolutely fucking hilarious!😂😂😂

I don't like this dilemma. So with these beautiful stories, at the end of the day, one of you will enter Red Line? No na! I don't like this!😢 Omoh.

NUTCRACKER 008

And back to you again, Nutcracker. I absolutely LOVE the creativity!😂 They're so many things that made me howl and I can't point all out. From Antonio auditioning 😂😂 (Pearl would slap him when she hears of this), to Shakespeare drawing a moustache on Acton, to Acton waking up to the staring contest between JK and Austen to the mole, the bug, the end too with Folake and the antennas, omoh!😂🤲🏾I love this!

DELPHINIUM 032

In fact, I loved this pair. Delphinium, you are an impeccable writer... Like God like, I swear it. And Nutcracker, you are a creative whiz! I'm stuck in the worst dilemma yet and I don't know who to pick! But until I decide, I will just give Nutcracker one piece of advice... Learn to organize your work better next time o. As much as I loved your story, there were some typos, which made me know your work was not edited. You even forgot to put full stop in one place. I loved your work, but abeg, no do am again o. In Karen Kingsbury's voice, "I don't warn more than twice."

All in all, this is my new favorite pair. And I hate that I have to decide. 😭

JUDGE KAREN KINGSBURY

NUTCRACKER 008

I pictured all your characters, excluding Weyinmi and the Fl, like Barbie characters. The voice they had in my head was high pitched and the dialogue was sticking out like a cactus in an ocean. The flow was like a car driving over a pot holed filled road.

Putting that one aside, I gotta ask, what does sputtered mean? What does rasped mean? Cackled? Infamous?

Because, I, strongly, doubt you know the meaning of those words considering the way you used them. No be insult. I'll not drop their meaning and all that. I can't do the work of dictionary or Google. Just know that before writing, research.

Speaking on research, you mixed up an En dash, Hypen and Em dash together. These three punctuation marks are completely different things but are commonly misused. I've read the Pdf of punctuation that was sent to the Project pen house before so I'm very sure it was touched. So, what's up?

Lastly, if lightning bolt strike your bed and you're on it, will you be okay? I'm just curious. The ending was the only thing close to comedy here, the others. . .

DELPHINIUM 032

Your story was comical.

Commentator: I think I am in love with the last pair😭❤️❤️

Anyways, that's it for this batch. Which pair was your favorite?👀

Stay tuned for Batch two, tonight.💕❤️