11:45 pm

So, the everyday thing's not happening.

There's just not enough time in my schedule.

I will, however, update this when I feel like I have enough time/need to.

So, onto my stupid human emotions.

I honestly don't know how I'm feeling. Legitimately, I am stumped.

Because like, if I ignore the usual feeling of being overwhelmed with schoolwork, then I'm happy. But am I? I'm just happy because theatre's starting. Theatre is my escape. So, if I take that away, I'm left with loneliness and a morose outlook. I think the only reason I still socialize with people is because I'm a selfish attention-obsessed drama queen who always needs someone else to make her feel important.

My staring at the knife block is becoming concerning. Not to anyone else, just me. I know I'm too much of a chicken to actually do anything, but still...

Also, I have recently been nominated for HOPE squad. HOPE squad is a group that trains teen how to deal with suicide and their peer's possible suicidal tendencies. Such as, being prepared to talk to the counselor about how your friend feels, how to react, when to ask questions, and how to deal with the seriousness of suicide.

Haha, yeah... what a great idea. For anyone else except me.

But the thing is, it's a nomination thing. Each student picks some friends that they trust, and based on how many times you get picked, you get chosen. Most kids get two or less through the whole process (takes about a week give or take).

On the first day, I had fourteen. (Which may not seem like a lot, but it is, sadly)

How could I have put on that convincing of a facade that not only would people trust me with their most guarded secrets, but believe that I am emotionally stable enough to defuse such a situation.

I'm battling with those thoughts myself. How can I tell someone that it'll get better if I don't believe it myself? Lie? I'm supposed to be trustworthy.

I'll just try to ignore it, I guess. Don't have time for it anyways.

The nice thing I did for myself today is let myself laugh.

12:03 am