9:25 pm

Oh boy.

Mental health REALLY took a nosedive into a pool into Help-Me-Please. Even more people are starting to notice that I'm acting different.

I used to just lie straight to their faces, but now I'm letting the truth slip in every now and then. Tell them I'm "depresso espresso" because I'm so scared of them finding out how bad I am.

I don't know how to healthily tell people things.

It's so hard for me to have an in depth conversation and be vulnerable with someone about my emotions and mental health. So, instead of acting like a normal person, I tell it at them. I don't give them any context, I just awkwardly slip it into the conversation before I quickly change the subject.

I make people uncomfortable. I hurt people. I know that the slightest edge in my voice can ruin someone's day, but I don't care anymore. I know I should, but I've ignored myself for too long.

And yet... I still feel selfish and guilty. I am! I am selfish to think I deserve more attention than anyone else in the world, and I feel guilty about it! I can't control my words anymore. They tumble out of my mouth sometimes without thinking them through.

I'm aggressive, I'm reclusive, I'm distant, I'm a liar, I'm a fake, I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm stubborn, I'm angry, I'm... Sue-ih-sigh-dahl.

And I deserve to be all of those things for not telling someone how I feel sooner.

So now, I get to watch as my world crumbles because I refuse to ask for help.

I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

Also, Violet called me today. I didn't respond. My excuse is I was napping, and I was (even though it's as rare as me crying), but after I saw it, I still didn't call them back. I'll text them in the morning explaining why, even thought it's not the whole truth.

They keep talking about their crush, and it's hurting my soul. They're really falling for them. It's a pretty big crush. The person is even showing interest in Violet.

This is an awkward place for me. Because 1. I'm happy that Violet is happy, they get so excited every time the person messages them, or sits next to them, and tells me all these little details about them. It's heart-warming. 2. Because that person isn't. Me. I don't think I'll ever be that person to them, I certainly don't deserve to be, but it still hurts. They text me heart emojis all the time, they even told me they love me, but's it platonic and my heart can't take this much longer. They keep leading me on, and I don't know how long I can do this. 3. I can't be mad at Violet. They haven't had a crush, like, ever. It's their first time. It's so adorable. They have always seemed like a strong, stable, and authoritative person, so to see them fangirl about someone is making me melt. I can't be mad at them for not liking me, because that isn't fair. I can be sad, but not mad. Plus, who could stay mad at them? Well, scratch that. What I meant was, how could I stay mad at them for that.

This is all just one big ball of what-the-f*ck, and I can barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Oh well.

The nice thing I did for myself today is take a two hour long nap. I needed that so bad.

Also those lines from the book make me happy:)

10:28 pm