3:58 pm

Ugh. Why am I like this?

This person has messed around with my feelings and hurt me so much I've almost... ahem. Abruptly... ended... my state of living.

God, why is that so hard to say. It's hard to say, hard to type, hard to think. But it's the truth.

I have been sent into some of the worst panic attacks I've ever had because of these people. I've... you get it.

I don't want to use names, so let's say

This dude: Orange

This girl: Math

This person: Violet

Let me explain.

I had a crush on Orange for the entire year but only realized it for four months. I had liked him so long I was dreaming about him. Eventually, in theatre, he played my love interest. Awesome, right? So lucky. I also had to teach him how to waltz. w°w. Close proximity with my crush while he smiles and gets adorably frustrated when he forgets a step or steps on my foot? yES PLEASE. We started to talk a lot more. He'd defend me in conversations, and we began to spend a LOT of time together. He was always pulling me away from the group to spend time with me and dance with me.

Then his hands started to wander a little bit. When we'd be dancing, his hands would start to wander from my hips to my back, butt, and upper/lower back. It was confusing at first, but I eventually took this as a sign that he liked me. I was so happy. And suddenly, all the love songs we about him.

I was so happy that there was even a chance he liked me back. He was a grade older than me, so I had a lot of competition.

I was devastated to find out he had a girlfriend.

I thought that It had just been crush-vision all along. Seeing an attraction that wasn't there.

But then I heard he broke up with her. She was "too crazy". I nearly jumped in the air with joy.

Actually... I'm gonna go ahead and finish this later... it's kinda giving me a panic attack, but I need to get it out sooner or later.

5:34 pm

5:34 pm

Wow, that is a coincidence! Three days later I decide to finish this and it's at the exact same time I left it off.

Anyways, I'll finish the orange story another time. I don't feel like hashing that out again.

I'll keep talking about the reason why I started this.

Violet. I have many nicknames for them, but I haven't told them about this one. Because I only call them that behind their back, so when I talk about them, they don't know who I'm talking about. (I'll be using it in the book because someone who knows me irl knows who I'd be talking about, and I don't want them to know)

I have immense feelings for Violet. I call them Violet because of the old poem "Roses are red, Violets are blue, *insert literally anything*" I think Violet suits this person better because while they may not other's idea of beauty, they sure are beautiful to me.

Anyways, I have feelings for Violet. I have for a year. I think I had them for way longer, but I only realized a year ago.

According to my friend, whom I trust with my life, Violet knows about my feelings.

And has flirted with me, led me on, and I even found out they might ask me out on their birthday.

They didn't, and that's alright. We had a wonderful time together. It's just...

They've messed around with my head so much. I don't think they know how much they have hurt and are hurting me.

??? pm

10:28 pm

I don't know when the last entry was written because I had to abruptly stop writing. This is a different day.

Anyways, since then Violet has ranted to me about you they're worried they'll never find someone, and how they might've ruined everything with this person they like. (Which, of course, isn't me.)

How am I supposed to give Violet advice on how to go after the person, what to say to them, and when to make a move, when I would honestly rather shoot myself in the head then carry on that conversation.

It's... it's all so messed up.

It's screwed up, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I'm trying to stay strong for them and my friends, but they're starting to notice I'm not the same person they became friends with.

I'm much much worse. I don't even know if I should've let down that facade. Everyone else liked it. They liked the old me. But it wasn't me. Maybe it was me a long time ago, but because I couldn't bear the thought of changing, instead of turning into a butterfly, I turned into a wasp. Angry, annoying, and aggressive.

I thought that if I changed, people would accept me. I was wrong. They all think something's wrong with me, that I'm not myself. But the thing is, I am myself. And there is something wrong. Something so horribly, horribly wrong, that I can't tell what it is anymore.

Was my childhood? Always having to smile and shut my mouth? Being told to "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"? Having a terrible relationship with emotions? Being hurt so badly love scares me? Having no self-control? Recognizing what I do will have consequences, but thinking I deserve them? Not getting any free time? Not letting myself get better? Being called "quiet and independent" when really I'm just loud and scared, and dependent but have vulnerability issues? Hating my body? Being too sensitive? Being too emotional? Ignoring that I probably have depression and need to talk to someone because there's not enough time in my schedule for mental health? Worrying about my future too much? Being "fake", when really I'm just a very negative and pessimistic person, but I don't want my friends to feel bad, so I fake happiness and positivity?

That's not even the end of the list, I'm just sick of writing so much truth. I need to be lied to. I need to be told that's it's ok.

But if I am told, am I going to listen? No. Because I don't accept advice from anyone because I'm stupid and deserve what's coming to me.

You see what I mean?

It's messed up.

And I wonder why Violet doesn't like me.

Even if they did like me, what good what comes of that? I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still haunted by my exes, and lor-sata-somebody knows my mental health isn't good enough to give Violet the love and happiness they deserve.

I don't deserve them anyway. They're amazing, confident, brilliant, wonderful, beautiful, enigmatic, stunning, breathtaking, and so much more.

And me? Well, did you even read the chapter? It's self-explanatory. I suck.

Well, there's always pushing everyone away so I don't have to hurt them or myself anymore.

Ha. I would never, I'm too pathetic. I'd come crawling back to them in seconds. I've tried before.

The nice thing I did for myself today is

??? ?m

10:03 pm

Why am I like this *facepalms* I keep getting interrupted.

The nice thing I did for myself is I kept a little pep in my step. Not much, but enough to keep myself going and keep my mask on.

10:09 pm