A/N: trigger warnings for suicide i guess

I might have to hold on colorblind guys i don't know it really depends on how much i can get done this month

stay safe ily

I thought about stealing Mom's phone in the middle of the night so I knew what you wrote us before anyone else

I think it was because I always used to feel important around you

One of the last times we spoke I lamented the fact that you never asked how I was doing

That you were soft spoken and kind and humble and so gracious, but when it came to me, I was a childhood memory brought to life

I cried when I got home because I remembered us plotting against my mom together

Now you loved her like I was supposed to

But we ran through the parking lot on the way to see Star Wars

The last time

And you said I was smart and strong and I remember thinking that maybe it could be like it was when we were kids

But now I think you're wrong; I must not be strong because if I was I wouldn't feel hate

And I fucking hate you

How dare you

How dare you make the hardest thing I've ever had to do no longer about some stupid crush

How dare you be considerate enough to leave a note for the firefighters that had to remove your corpse from a tent

But not be considerate enough to think of your own mother, who's going to have to look at your dead body in a fucking casket

I hope you know you ripped a hole in all of us because you were selfish and stupid

You didn't even know me well enough to write me a heartfelt note

Only two things you wrote were true:

1. I'm not 7 anymore

2. I'm never going to forgive you

Because I'm riding home from Massachusetts

In the back of a minivan

With two of your model cars as a keepsake

(the red and white Nissans)

and Dad started crying yesterday morning but hasn't stopped

and my sister's heart broke a thousand times while I watched because she'd just lost her little boy

and my grandmother screamed like something was branding her inside and out

and a piece of your brother died with you

and Mom read your note out loud because she couldn't read it alone

and I'm going to have to remember the moment I realized you were dead for the rest of my life

You said you were tired of the pain, but you don't know what true pain is until you've had to bury your 20 year old son in the ground so don't fucking expect me to feel sorry for you

I don't feel fucking sorry for you because you're fucking dead

You said you were going to buy Grandma a car when you grew up but instead you killed yourself

I'm never going to forgive you