Hi.

Sorry I took you for granted. But I was a child, then, and you were like my second father and my best friend. You told me about star trek and stars and abraham lincoln and you let me drink soda and eat tapioca pudding on my birthdays. You thought of me.

Every single day.

I'm sorry that when I moved away from my house, I moved away from you too. And I've always been so worried about you. You should have a wife! A family! I don't know how you live, even if every day is like summer vacation. You're such a clever, funny man. You should have someone besides me, because I can't take this.

And you stopped tending to your garden, too. You showed me it, when I was small. You told me every flower, warned me of every wasp, petted bumblebees and put the soil into my hands. Now it's broken and the peach tree is chopped down and you have cancer.

I haven't talked to anyone about it. You're such a fucking cynic. I don't think you wanted me to know, but Mom told me, anyway. I don't think that I'll be able to stop myself from crying when I see you, which is selfish and will undoubtedly make you feel horrible, because you were always a man who wanted nothing more than happiness. I don't know if you wanted anything else.

But if I don't go to see you...

I haven't talked to you in a while, and now you're dying. I'm not a coward. I'm not going to apologize for not watching you die. I'm going to see you and hopefully I won't cry and it'll be fine.

Dad says he's going to pray for you. I'm probably going to pray, too, but when everyone realizes God doesn't fucking care it's going to hurt them more than it'll hurt me.

I'm really sorry I haven't talked to you in a really long time. Only on Christmas, and my birthday. You get me something every year, and you kept all of my Christmas gifts since I was six years old. I've stopped getting you those.

I'm sorry you only have a few months.

Christ.

I can't even say the words aloud. Every time someone says your name I leave the room.

If God makes you better, I'll

I don't

know

I'm sorry, I'm so tired, maybe tomorrow will be better and I can apologize some more