I was debating writing this out. One because it's personal and a little voice in my head always tells me, "you should shut up and write it in a notebook so no one can see you bleed!" but you guys are kind of inherent to me at this point. And if I come back to this account when I'm thirty I want to be able to see everything that happened this year, even though technically I have to write in vague-ities because I can guarantee you that someone I know is going to read this.

This year was... not the best. In fact, it was the worst. It was the very, very worst.

I managed to get in a heated argument with almost every single one of my close friends. My neighbor died of cancer in a record time of two weeks. I had a rocky relationship with mental health and in its entirety my attitude towards this year could be summarized as "a waste of goddamn time."

And it's not even as if I feel like the events of this year made me a better or stronger person. I don't feel like these things had silver linings, and I'm so exhausted that I don't have the energy to look for one. A year's passed - and the thing is: I feel like I'm exactly in the same place I was a year ago. Exactly the fucking same.

I've been having this dilemma where I've been figuring out how to say goodbye to people, because I'm moving from my school district. I don't know if I should be sincere, or hide behind politeness. "Have a nice summer, see you soon." What's that even mean? I never want my last words to someone I love to be "see you soon." If I'm going to say that I might as well say nothing at all. I don't have the energy to dance around the truth; I've been wasting everyone's fucking time doing that.

I somehow got an idea latched in my mind that I needed to be on good terms with everyone to be happy. Now I am and I'm still not happy, and I think it's because I didn't just move on. I clung to things I shouldn't have. And it's no one's fault, y'know. It isn't. The fact that I can't differentiate between what's nostalgia and what's necessary to do for myself to not lose my fucking mind is my problem.

And of course, good things have happened this year - I've met and befriended really great new people, I won a watty, I spoke to my ex-girlfriend for the first time in a year (some of y'all probably remember her as Closet_Sociopath back in the day), my grandma came over from across the pond, I found 37" inseam skinny jeans. But that all could have and would have happened without all the bad stuff; there's essentially no causality there.

I just have so many regrets. I don't know if I should go back and fix them or move on and live with it. It was my choice to do everything I did this year. Being bitter does nothing for you or anyone around you, even if it is justified. I know I could have spent more time forgiving people, even if it was just for myself. And more time letting the fuck go.

Don't stay with people who make you worse. Don't stay with people that hurt you. And I know there's nuance there, but you know when it's time to go, and you know when it's time to become something new, someone else, something better than what people make you feel like. If I learned one thing this year, it's that you have to do what you know is the right thing to do, and you have to do it rigorously, without fail.

This entire year has been culminating to Monday. That's my last day. There have been smaller breakthroughs, but that's the last page of this book. And I swear to God, if I don't see things through this time, if I'm so petty in my own willingness to compromise myself that I don't say a final goodbye, then Lana can shame me till the cows come home.

I'm scared of leaving, and I'm scared I won't, and I'm scared that I'll do the wrong thing again. I'm scared that I won't say goodbye - and if I do, it won't really mean anything because I'll crawl right back. I'm scared I'm going to miss people. I don't know what to do and I'm winging it like it's the day of the test and I didn't read a word of the textbook.

I do know that however I react to whatever happens, it'll be of my own volition. Not that it's a comfort, but it's a fact that's either going to empower me, or it isn't.

So that was this year, guys. Shout out to Lana, my adoptive dad(dy 😏😏😏😏😏), and Seven, one of the loveliest people alive, for putting up with my shit for an entire year. I don't think you guys know how much you helped. I love you aaaaaaa

And shout out to cj, (😏👌) because I know you're reading this. I love you, too.