Chapter 116


Nandini struggled fiercely against the stony voice in her head that was asking her not to delay the dreaded conversation she needed to have with Prithvi.

While she couldn't share the grisly details of her meeting with Priyamvada, she had to tell him – somehow make him understand - what Priyamvada's disclosures meant for them.

But once she did that, their lives would change permanently. And she desperately wanted to spend a little more time with Prithvi in a world where their love was not doomed to end up in an inferno of pain. She wanted to ask him about his childhood...his school years... his years abroad...his work. She wanted to talk to him about the ordinary parts of their lives that had rarely come up for discussion so far.

But even in that beautiful world, Priyamvada's blood runs through him, the voice reminded her maliciously.

Prithvi heard the mumbled sentence but a mental barrier seemed to stop him from registering them fully. There was also an irrational but fervent hope that if he didn't respond, she wouldn't say it again.

Nandini raised her head and gazed steadily into his shocked black eyes with a determination that was more frightening to her than to him.

She gently repeated, "I want to go to Janki aunty's house today."

The dismay on Prithvi's features asked his question louder than his voice could have.

"I thought seriously about what's you'd said last night," Nandini said uneasily in response to the silent query. "You were right about - about how it would be best if I don't stay here at this time. This is a complicated time for you...and your family and I should not – "

"It's because of my mother, isn't it? Because of what she did?" Prithvi cut in forcefully.

She did not feel flustered by the failure of her lie or angered by his refusal to abandon his suspicions. The flimsy justification had been a last–ditch effort to protect him. But it had not worked. Now she didn't have any choice apart from disclosing a part of the truth. The part that would eventually sound the death knell for their relationship.

Her heart was already shredded into bloodied fragments. And she was going to impose that same punishment upon him. It was cruel and unfair. But she had become a withered leaf that was at the mercy of a gale. The only difference was that, in her case, the gale originated from the murkiest regions of her own self...

Nandini moved back from him.

Feeling sick at heart, Prithvi let her go. It was hurting him to just look at her injuries, and he would do anything to make her feel better. It was obvious that she wanted to leave because of disturbing reasons related to his mother, and he was ready to escort her to the writer's house himself despite knowing that she would be taking all the light in his life along with her. First, though, he needed to know what had transpired earlier that morning. For now, the one thing he did know was that the repercussions were going to be disastrous.

As if sensing his turmoil, she placed her hands comfortingly on his upper arms, then gently said, "I'll tell you the real reason I want to leave. I don't know if you'll understand...but you have to try."

"I'll understand," Prithvi said quickly. He had sworn to change his behaviour with her and he would keep that promise regardless of the cost...

He wouldn't, Nandini thought wearily. Because among the devastating truths she had learnt this morning, she was going to use the one that had caused her the least grief to explain her decision. But she would have to stand her ground, and be strong enough to do what was best for both of them in the long run.

"Let's sit down there," Nandini murmured, indicating the small rectangular table at the other end of the room. Without waiting for a response, she walked to the table and occupied a chair at the short side of the table

Gazing at her uneasily, Prithvi walked slowly to the chair on the adjacent side. It was telling that, between the sofa and the table, she had chosen the more formal option. And it didn't help his anxiety levels that she was apparently finding it difficult to look at him all of a sudden.

Nandini remained quiet for a long while after he had taken a seat, her red eyes focussed on the detailed carvings that bordered the table. She was going to use some half-truths to concoct a moderately believable tale. But how could she possibly say the terrible things that she had planned...but she had to begin speaking or the ache in her throat would worsen to the point that she would start crying again...

Although an unbearable tension was growing inside him, Prithvi didn't urge her to speak. Even his mind had temporarily given up its compulsive habit of analysing and dissecting every word and gesture. It was not because of patience, which was admittedly not something he possessed in large quantities anyway. His silence was dictated by a stark fear...an emotion that had been alien to him for many years but had plagued him quite a few times since he had met her...

And, with inborn instincts that had been honed by brutal experiences, Prithvi felt horribly certain that the already sparse amounts of happiness and peace in his life was going to vanish shortly...

Nandini looked up at him suddenly. "I did not lie about how I fell down," she said abruptly. "But something strange did happen after that. Your mother came to my room to meet me. I was upset because of the fall and I was crying. She tried to make me feel better and was about to call a doctor but I told her I was okay. Then your mother called for an elderly aunty who treated my injuries with some herbal medicines."

Nandini stopped to draw breath. It had proved easier than expected to recount her version of the story because it was only partly fictitious. By focussing exclusively on Priyamvada's initial behaviour in the room, she had definitely managed to inject authenticity into her narration. Problems were going to arise, however, when she arrived at the most crucial point...

"My mother did all that?" he asked warily. "But I don't see any medicine."

"It smelled a little strong, and the pain wasn't severe, so I washed it off," she retorted tersely.

Her defensive tone cautioned him adequately, and so he restricted his next question to a tame, "Who was this herbal doctor?"

There wasn't any harm in sharing the name of the kindly woman, Nandini mulled. If anything, it would give more credence to her story.

"Her name is Lata," Nandini answered placidly even as she frantically fortified her spirit. She required all of her inner strength and guile for what she was going to say next.

Continuing to speak with an increasingly parched mouth, Nandini quietly said, "After she left, your mother talked to me for a while. I told her my full name and she was - surprised. Then she spoke to me about her acquaintance with my father. And she shared an incident about the time my father had visited your parents after their wedding. Our parents talked about us – we weren't born then, but my father felt your parents might have a son, and he wanted a daughter. Your father joked about how it would be if we – you and me – ended up..." she hesitated, then wretchedly said. "My father didn't like it. And he said he would never let that happen."

Prithvi waited uncertainly for the rest of the story. The incident was astonishing and unsettling at several levels. But it was obviously just the prelude, and the real cause of her unhappiness was yet to be revealed.

Nandini inhaled deeply and blurted, "To know that he didn't want you to be a part of my life...it changes many things for me. It was not in my father's nature to speak strongly against anything unless it was intolerable for him. And anything that was intolerable to him...was – and is - unacceptable to me."

Prithvi stared at her uncomprehendingly. From the strain on her face, he could tell she was expecting him to be angry or upset. But he wasn't either of those things. To react correctly, he would have had to understand what she had said. He knew the meaning of the individual words, but put together, they made just as much sense to him as an ancient language that had died out thousands of years ago.

He confusedly said, "I'm sorry, I – I don't understand. I know I'd said I would... but I really don't..."

Nandini waited for the huge lump in her throat to recede so she could explain further. The bewilderment on his features was more painful to behold than any harsh reactions would have been.

She lowered her eyes and interwove her fingers tightly in her lap to stop them from trembling.

Nandini unsteadily said, "My father told your parents that he would not allow us to be together. I know Kedar uncle had told us that he did not want our families to be close," she muttered, wanting to tackle at least one of the arguments that would have come her way eventually. "But that's not the same as my father saying that he wouldn't allow me to become a part of your family. It might seem like overreaction to you...but I can't ignore or forget the fact that my father couldn't even tolerate a light-hearted remark about us being together."

She stopped, and then falteringly said, "No....it's more than that. I just hate the thought that I might be hurting my father by being in a relationship with you. So, I - I have to go away from you for some time...to think about what he would have wanted me to do. And to decide if I want to continue this relationship or not," she added in so low a voice that it was hardly audible.

Although he had turned stock-still, Prithvi continued to regard her with more confusion than distress. He didn't believe that she had fallen down the stairs, and despite the truthfulness in her voice, he was also not particularly convinced with the claims about his mother's considerate behaviour. But there was no doubt in his mind that she had heard that curiously disturbing story from his mother.

However, his mind was smashing into an unbreakable wall of stone when it tried to understand everything else.

She'd never had to rely on words to understand his state of mind. He wanted to do the same for her. He wanted to perceive exactly what was going on in her mind without making her state it expressly. But he was misreading her badly...she couldn't possibly mean it...

Prithvi confusedly asked, "Are you saying...you need to...you need to think about...all because of something your father said before we were born?"

He waited for her to look up laughingly and ask him if he was out of his mind.

Instead, Nandini continued to stare at the table. Then she softly said, "My father meant everything to me. I don't recall him ever raising his voice when he spoke to me or showing anger in any way. Still, his word was law for me. I've always tried to walk on the path that he had shown. I think I stopped doing that after I met you, but my father is still the most important person in my life. He is the voice of my conscience. And I can't describe how I guilty I felt on learning that he hadn't wanted me to be with you."

She glanced up to meet Prithvi's stunned gaze, and miserably whispered, "You will hate me for saying this...but the truth is...if my father was alive today, and if he wanted me to break up with you, I would do it in an instant."

Ice-cold with shock, Prithvi sat unmoving for a long moment, then he rose from the chair and walked numbly to the door that led to the balcony. He pulled it open violently and strode into the tumultuous embrace of gusty winds.

He stopped when he reached somewhere near the centre, and remained immobile for a few minutes, slightly out of breath as if he had been running ...

Something had gone wrong with him, Prithvi thought with an uncharacteristic panic. Until today, he'd been able to understand things faster and better than those around him. Seeing through deceit and lies had come naturally to him. So, why was he failing to understand the tiniest bit of what was happening now? Had the shocks he had sustained since yesterday damaged his mind?

"Prithvi..."

He didn't respond to the unbearably sweet call for several moments, afraid of what he was going to see. Then hating the feeling of cowardice, he forced himself to turn.

The strange blend of helplessness and resolve he saw in her despair-filled eyes was a body blow.

The reality of what she was saying crashed down destructively on him...

Prithvi shook his head faintly to clear his head, but he was unable to escape the feeling that he had somehow stumbled into another world where nothing made sense. "You're not serious," he mumbled disbelievingly. "You're not. You can't be."

Nandini nearly crumbled in agony. Her arms ached to reach out to him...

Priyamvada's image flashed across her mind. The vicious features filled with murderous rage for her innocent family...the disgust and loathing in the voice as the vile woman had spoken about her father...

An answering tide of rage and hatred rose within her, eradicating pure and gentle emotions... and giving her strength to main a façade of calmness for a moment.

Nandini shifted her gaze to the green hills behind him. "I want to leave immediately."

The demand broke Prithvi's emotional paralysis. Maddened by the unceasing attacks of his biggest nightmare, he stalked ahead automatically with a thunderous, "No!"

Startled by his ferocity, Nandini retreated.

Prithvi stopped instantly, fighting to subdue his emotions. After a few turbulent moments, he unsteadily asked, "What did my mother do? What did she actually say?"

"She told me that story about my father, that's all," Nandini replied tightly. "She has nothing to do with my decision."

"You're lying again," he said angrily.

"I just told you I need some time," she snapped back. "But if you don't stop accusing me of lying – and if you try to drag your mother into this problem, I will make my decision right now."

Prithvi's face turned whiter. While he remained on his feet physically, the single threat caused him to collapse on the inside. If he had to make a choice between death and a life without her, he would choose death time and again...

Wrecked by fear and desperation, he moved forward again to hold her but paused on seeing her step back.

Prithvi struggled to appear calm, and feverishly said, "Please, don't - don't think about..." he halted and swallowed hard.

Nandini's eyes darted to the floor, and her arms coiled tightly around her body.

"I'll do whatever you want," Prithvi resumed with a despairing urgency. "I mean it. Whatever the problem is, we can – we can work through it. You could continue to stay here and I promise to stay out of sight for as long as you need," he suggested hurriedly.

"That won't be enough," Nandini said dully, gaze still lowered. "I need to be away from you and the palace for some days."

Crestfallen but determined to salvage the situation, he quickly said, "Okay, if you want to go to Mrs Bhargava's house right now, I'll take you there myself. And I won't come there or try to get in touch with you. Just – just don't talk about – "

"Okay, thank you for understanding," she murmured mechanically. "Your mother told me you have to complete some assignment. So, I don't want you to take any trouble. Sumer uncle must be waiting nearby. Could you ask him to help me? You can go back to your work after that. Please tell uncle I want to leave as soon as possible. And after that...if - when I feel ready to meet you again, I'll let you know."

He gazed at her vulnerably for a long time, his black eyes roaring with unspeakable pain.

As though transformed into stone by a celestial curse, she continued to stare at the floor, hands wrapped around herself.

The ongoing procession of blue-grey clouds in the sky seemed to show their displeasure through rumbles of thunder and streaks of lightning. The verdant hills surrounding the palace were silent spectators, though the winds became stronger.

Prithvi quietly said, "It's going to rain. You should wait inside."

Without glancing at him, Nandini spun around to head back to the room but paused as the floor rippled wildly.

As she waited for her vision to become steady, she sensed instinctively that he was reaching out for her.

Nandini forced her shivering legs to move forward on the swaying floor, her long, thick lashes still concealing the eyes brimming with love, repentance...and an excruciating heartache that would never lessen.

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