Chapter Sixty Nine
Primadonna

SYDNEY COULD TELL there was something wrong with her that day.  She wasn't focused like she usually was.  Her head was fuzzy like it was full of cotton. It hurt to swallow but she pushed past the feeling so nobody could see that anything was wrong. She wasn't in the mood for questions today. Unfortunately for her, it showed in body language. A heavy grunt passed her lips as she fell out of one of her turns.

The music stopped and all eyes fell on her. "Sydney, that's the fourth time." Rosemary said out loud and she tried to keep her frustration inside.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry!" The Brit quickly apologized and gained her composure.

"Do you need to take a—"

"No,  I'm fine.  Let's just start over."  She interrupted and faced the mirror again,  avoiding eye contact with everyone.

The dance teacher was quiet for a minute,  the other girls exchanging looks,  before she nodded.  "Okay."  She started the music again.

The classical music started to play and all of the girls got in first position.  Sydney sucked in a breath and went into a series of soutenu turns before taking a short pause and going into a grand plie.  Then,  the girls shifted their positions and did a lame duck,  the British girl following up with a high kick and she went up on pointe and did a series of beautiful fouettés.

After she ended the third spin,  she suddenly found it hard to catch her breath.  She stopped again and put her hand on her chest.  Her heart beat was steady but as she swallowed she felt her chest tighten.  It was uncomfortable.  Her feet began to tingle but her first thought was it was just her ballet flats.  She had been dancing for hours.  They were probably old by now. But then her hands started to shake and that's when she knew something was wrong.

Sailor was the first person to notice the uncomfortable expression her face.  "Sydney,  are you okay?"  She asked and gained the attention of everyone else.

The girl nodded.  "Yeah,  I'm—"  she paused when her voice came out shaky.  An overwhelming sense of dread dawned over her and the inability to breath became harder.  "I just. . . I need—"

"Girls,  out of them room.  Take a break."  Rosemary ordered and made her way to her student.  She rested her hands on her shoulders,  feeling the muscles tighten.  "Sydney,  honey,  I need you to breath."

"I-I can't."  She stuttered and her eyes started to fill with tears.  Her vision disfigured as if she was looking through a fish bowl.  She tried to ignore it.  She tried so damn hard but she knew exactly what it was.  She had been having them since she was a kid.  She knew how to handle them but this one was different.  It was like it was uncomfortable.  "I can't breath."  She choked out and started to feel dizzy.

Rosemary saw the color in her skin drain.  "Okay,  come sit down."  She said softly and guided her to the mirror.  She helped her sit down and put her back against the glass.  "Raise your knees to your chest,  honey.  Focus on your breathing."  She reassured her.  The young girl rested her head on her knees.  "You're safe,  Sydney.  Breath slowly through your knees.  I'm right here."  She rubbed her back soothingly.

Bile formed in her throat but she swallowed it,  the harsh feeling of her throat making her eyes water even more.  She felt stuck.  It was really hard to breath.  Sydney remembered the first time she had a panic attack. She was left at home alone and she didn't understand what was happening. She passed out from the heavy breathing and woke up a couple hours later. She had gotten good at being able to hide her anxiety and when she was going to have an attack but recently it was getting hard. It was hard to hide the dryness of her mouth and the constant pain in her chest. She cried herself to sleep because she forced herself to not cry during the day. She hadn't felt this depressed since her parents leaving for work.

Rosemary continued to reassure the girl that everything was okay and to focus on her breathing. Sydney closed her eyes and listened to the woman. Her face flushed red from the uncontrolled breathing but she managed to find a rhythm. "That's it. In through your nose and out through your mouth." She heard the woman say again. The rattling in her chest began to settle but it was still hurting.

The blonde woman heard someone enter the room and she looked up to see Sailor with a bottle of water in her hand. "Thank you, Sailor." She smiled and the girl sat down with them.

"Here you go, Brit." She offered and Sydney raised her head, taking the bottle from her hand.

She took small sips of the cold water and it eased the dryness. When she was able to breath, she grew embarrassed and a tear fell down her face. "Sorry." She uttered out and wiped her face.

"Oh honey, don't ever be sorry," Rosemary responded and rubbed her back again. "I don't know why this happened but I can see that you're stressed."

She shook her head. "I'm not stressed. I'm just. . ." She couldn't even form the words to make an excuse. All she felt was exhaustion. "Never mind."

She took another drink of water and closed her eyes, taking another sharp inhale through her nose.

Miguel didn't know how to feel. He laid on the soft comforter of the bed in his father's room and he stared at the ceiling with dead eyes. He was angry. He was angry that his mother had lied to him but he was also sad, sad that his own father didn't even know who we was. He sacrificed so much to be here and he couldn't even tell him who he really was. His bones rattled with vexation knowing he missed out on so much because of the situation with his mother and father. He knew nothing of what it meant to be raised by a man. He loved his mom and Yaya more than anything but there was so many times he wished to know what it was like to have his father in his life. Every teenage boy feels that way.

But what hurt him even more was knowing what he gave up just to be disappointed.

He started at his call log with his thumb hovered over one specific number. His stomach twisted in knots. He wanted to call her so bad. He wanted to tell her everything and how sorry he was but he knew he couldn't. He didn't have the right to call her anymore. He didn't want to imagine how angry Sydney must be at him. He didn't want to imagine the look on her face as she read the letter he left her. He broke her heart and he was too proud to call and say sorry. He began to wonder if what they had was even real if he was able to feel that way.

El Hoyo Verde was not what Miguel was expecting. He hadn't been to a place as loud and crowded since going to that concert with Johnny. The longer he spent with his dad, the more at ease he started to feel. Maybe there was chance he was able to come clean about who he was. Miguel thought that if he was hale to form a relationship with him and get to know him then he wouldn't feel as guilty for breaking up with Sydney as he felt now.

Sydney was thankful she had the weekend off. After having the panic attack, she was forced to call her mom to come get her from the dance studio. It was the rule in their house that if she had a panic attack that she wasn't allowed to drive afterwards. Caroline or Alexander always came and got her. She was grateful for them because it didn't use to be that way. She used to have to suffer through them alone.

Now, she sat curled on her couch with Eli and Demetri sat in the love seats. She passed a bowl of popcorn to Eli and he passed it to the other boy. They were watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. "This movie used to scare the piss out of me when I was younger," she voiced and shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

Eli's eyes widened in agreement. "Oh god, especially the part where Voldemort's possessing him. I had nightmares for three days." He explained.

"I know, you called me in the middle of the night after one of them." Said Demetri.

She chuckled and Eli glared at him,  throwing a popcorn kernel at his head.  "It feels so weird not being a karate right now."  She said out loud.  "It feels. . . abnormal at this point."

"Tell me out it.  Now I have to start looking for a job."  Demetri responded with a loud sigh.  "I heard the mall's hiring in a lot of places."

"I might look into that sunglasses hut by the food court."

Eli narrowed his eyes.  "But won't you be busy with dance?"

She continued to stare at the tv screen.  "I want to keep myself busy."  She quickly said.  It wasn't a total lie.  One of the ways to keep from having panic attacks is to keep yourself as busy as possible.  It's one of the reasons she agreed to do both karate and dance.  She never had time to get in her own head. She twisted her head that was on the pillow and smiled. "Besides, think about it. If we all work at the mall, we can have our own hang out spot."

"But I don't wanna work at the mall. I don't want to work at all." The buzz cut haired boy said with a pout.

"Fine. At least we know who the real friendship is in this circle." Demetri scoffed and he and Sydney air high fived since they were across the room from each other."

Eli rolled his eyes at them.  "As if Syd didn't hate us in the beginning."  He quickly turned his head to her.  "No offense."

She shrugged.  "None taken.  You two were nerds."  She grew a smile.  "But now I wouldn't change anything."

Demetri awed loudly.  "Aww,  dude,  we turned her into a softie!"

They awed in unison and the girl heavily rolled her eyes but couldn't help and laugh herself.  She tried to remember the good things in her life.  Her friends and family are what kept her from falling off the deep end. Though she had Sam and Aisha, Sydney didn't know true friendship until she met Demetri and Eli. They were dorks but they were kind. They listened to her when she needed someone to talk to. They didn't judge her. They were like her brothers in a way, which made her happy considering she was an only child.

Her deep thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell going off. She groaned. "We were just getting to the good part." She complained and rolled off the couch.

Demetri looked at her weirdly ad she passed by. "Sirius dying?" He said in disbelief.

"It's Daniel Radcliffe's best acting!" She exclaimed and made her way to the front door. When she swung it open, she didn't feel like she was attached to her body anymore. The uncontrollable feeling of dread filled her heart and her throat went dry. "Miguel?" She uttered the name like she drank a vile of poison.

Miguel stood on the other side of the door with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He seemed to have confidence in him and it all deflated as soon as he saw her. "Hey Syd."

she is so the archer coded <\3