A/N: I'm sure this has a lot of errors in it but I worry if I don't share this now I'll lose my nerve.

I don't know when I first realized I was in love with her. I denied it for so long that I legitimately convinced myself that I was not. She was my best friend after all. Wanting to cuddle with her and being jealous when she liked guys was normal. Right?

Then I went to camp. Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. Honestly Blue Lake is just a camp full of Gays™ and people that support Gays™. I had never been anywhere like that. I remember specifically having a conversation with a girl, still one of my best friends to this day, about how strange it felt to be somewhere where more people were gay than straight it felt like. Talking about how everyone in my friend group back home was straight, and her being the only one that was straight in her group. Somewhere in me though something was changing even then. I was finally beginning to admit to myself the truth.

When I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with my friend there was a problem. My family is supportive of the LGBTQ community. That was never an issue. What was, was resolving my faith with me. Although my Christian family was supportive and believed it wasn't wrong, I had grown up in churches that told me otherwise. Even if, until later, no one had ever looked me in the eyes and told me, homosexuality is wrong, it was clear. I had to change my internal gut reaction. So I prayed, read my Bible, really listened for God. I don't know when but something in me finally decided. I am ok. I am bi and that is ok.

Ironically the first person I came out to, August 5, 2016, was the girl who was the reason I knew I was bi. I didn't tell her how I felt, but she was so supportive and it was wonderful.

The second person I told was my guy best friend at the time. With him, I knew going in that it was going to be more... Difficult. He is Mormon, pretty conservative, and I knew him to believe being gay was only ok if you didn't act on it. I prefaced it the day before with a rant about how dumb society was after telling my best friend and her pointing it out. Despite coming to terms with myself, I was so angry that I had to be fearful. Frankly, I still am. Everyone should be able to be themselves fully and truly without fear. Normal doesn't exist. Why do we pretend it does and hate on people supposedly outside of that norm? Uniqueness should be celebrated. But anyways... He asked what happened and I told him I wasn't ready to tell him yet. But the next day I found the courage.

I started by bringing up again what I said the day before. And then I just went for it. No jokes. No creativeness. Just, "I'm bisexual." He called me brave. I clarified I wanted to go by "pansexual" because I feel it fits me better, and he asked me why I decided to tell people. Part of my response still rings true. "Because I hope you'll understand that it shouldn't be a bigger deal than anything else about me even though society says it is." For me, my sexuality comes second. I'm proud of who I am and I love showing the pride, but it's just a small part of what makes me who I am.

The remainder of the conversation was questions from him. Asking me when I was going to tell my parents and if I thought they'd be supportive. I acknowledged that I had no plans to tell anyone but my three best friends at that point. The part that still gets me though... I asked him what he was thinking and he said he wasn't sure. Wasn't sure what he should be feeling. I got it to some extent, but part of me was disappointed. I guess I was expecting a major reaction. I let him know I'd give him some space and said goodnight.

The next day he texted me and it was as if the conversation had never happened. We talked about something completely different and it was never brought up again. To this day I find myself wondering if it made him start thinking about me differently. More wary. But over time we drifted apart and I never asked.

My third friend, my current best friend, was the last person I came out to in the first batch. Honestly I don't remember much of what happened with her, other than I was incredibly nervous as I knew she held the same beliefs as my guy best friend, but things went better. I remember telling her how nervous I was she wouldn't support me months later, and she told me she'd support me no matter what. It's always meant so much to me. She still means so much to me.

The fourth person I came out to was the girl from camp that I had the conversation with at lunch a few months later. I sent her a sheepish laugh and said, "hey remember how I said that thing about everyone in my friend group being straight? Turns out, I'm not." The best part was her response. "Yeah, I'm not either." We both laughed. She's part of the people I consider my Rainbow Squad ™ today.

Coming out to the rest of the world was harder. I wanted to do something elaborate, but I didn't want to come out to my parents before everyone else because with them, because I didn't want to make it a big deal to them.

January 2017. I knew I was finally ready but I didn't know how to do it. Then an opportunity arose. January 21st, 2017 was the first Women's March. We just decided we were going day of, despite it being the weekend before midterms. And suddenly I knew what I wanted my sign to say. How I wanted to come out. I was home by myself when I started working and I was nervous as hell waiting for my parents to get home and see what I was working on. The sign said, "Woman, feminist, bisexual, equality for all, Christian for LGBTQ+ rights. #WhyIMarch I am the next generation and I will not be silenced!" When my dad got home, the one I was going to the march with, he read it and started to help me work on it. At first he didn't comment but then as he was sketching it out to try and figure out the quickest way to do it, since we were late,  he looked at me and said: "You know we'll support you no matter what right?" I nodded, feeling too emotional to respond. His next words were, "Are you sure you're ready to come out publicly?" That I was sure of.

I responded with a firm, "Yes." My mom called me upstairs to talk to her later. One thing you have to understand about my mom is she lives in a little bubble. She is just now learning about the world as I force her into it through my activism. I'm glad she's trying now, but unfortunately that bubble has caused some... Internalized transphobia, misconceptions, and lack of understanding. So when she called me upstairs, I don't remember her saying anything other than she wanted to go out to dinner to have me explain it to her. I made a non-committal response because again, I didn't want it to be a big deal or talk about it further. Especially because, until this moment, as I'm writing this, I have never publicly admitted I fell for my best friend. Certain specific people know, but just a small handful, and talking to her would've involved questions as to how I knew I wasn't yet ready to answer to anyone, especially her.

After the march was the moment. I posted a selfie on Facebook and Instagram. The interesting thing was, I got so many likes and comments, all supportive, but no one addressed it by name.

So that's my coming out story. Except most of you know that coming out never really stops. Anyone you're interested in you come out to. And you're constantly fighting against bi/homophobia. I'll talk about some specifics of that stuff in other entries.