ASHLEY:

      She seems to be utterly confused by my words, looking at me very oddly as she says, "Yeah, of course I did. Did you really think that I wasn't gonna show up?"

      "I had no idea that you even knew I was here," I explain. "But even if I'd known that he'd talked to you, I'm not sure I would have expected you to show, considering how much of an asshole I've been to you."

      She steps forward, stopping directly in front of me and reaching out her hand to move my hair away from my face. "Ash, it's okay," she tells me in an unbelievably gentle voice. "I understand now. You're sick, and hurting, and you need help to get better, so just tell me what you need, and it's yours."

      I'm not sure if it's the words, the tone of her voice, or the way she's looking at me, but it suddenly feels like a dam has broken somewhere in my head, and the next thing I know, my arms are around her, and I'm sobbing uncontrollably into her shoulder.

      "I'm so sorry, Steph, about everything!" I manage to choke out, and even though I know that I'm pretty much just babbling, I can't stop the words from tumbling past my lips. "Please don't hate me, I don't think I could take that now. I didn't mean it, and I swear I'll never let it happen again, so please, just don't hate me!"

      "If I hated you, I wouldn't be here, would I?" she points out, as she wraps me in her arms and begins to stroke my hair. "I'm here to help you, however I can, because I care about you, and I miss having the Ash that I know in my life. So whaddya say that we let these nice doctors help us find him and bring him back, 'kay?"

      I try to answer, but I can't, because now that I've actually let myself cry, I can't seem to make it stop. I feel her start to move, and I tighten my grip, because I don't want to let go of her just yet. Then she whispers in my ear, "It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to move over here to the couch, so we can be a bit more comfortable. So just come and sit with me, and we can talk it all out."

      I let her lead me across the room, and sit when she tells me to, and after a couple of minutes, I finally get myself enough under control that I can take in a deep breath, and sit upright on the couch next to her. Dr. Ledbetter steps out for a second before returning to his desk, and a minute or so later, one of the orderlies comes in with a bottle of water and a damp washcloth, which he hands to me before leaving the room. Steph takes the cloth and wipes my face, then grabs some tissues and hands them to me so I can blow my nose before taking a drink of the water.

      "Are you okay, Ash?" she inquires. "Do you think we can talk about this now?"

      "Yeah, I think so," I reply. "Where should we start?"

      Then, to my complete surprise, and apparently the doctor's, too, her hand flashes out and connects with the back of my head, and I can hear anger in her voice as she fires back with, "How about we start with you explaining what the hell happened to being honest with each other, no matter what, like we agreed to before we ever started dating!? Yeah, I know I was a bit late telling you about who I really was before, but why in the world would you try to hide the fact that you were on meds from me? I admit, you did a pretty good job of it, but did you really think I wouldn't catch on eventually?"

      Shit, she knows about my anti-anxiety meds! I know I should have told her about them, but I've never quite convinced myself to get around to it. "Who told you about that?" I sigh, hanging my head.

      "CC and Blasko, after I talked to everybody this morning to let them know why you'd suddenly vanished down a rabbit hole," she snaps. "And why didn't you talk to somebody about how you've been feeling, instead of just letting it build up and take over your life? It's not like you don't know that there are any number of people who would be glad to help you if you'd just let them know you needed them, like your band, or Jazy, or Jeff, or any fucking number of other people!" Then the volume of her voice drops, and the anger drains away when she says, "Like me. Or don't you trust me enough to feel like you can share that sort of thing?"

      My eyes snap back up to meet hers, and when I see the sadness and hurt in them, it's like a punch in the gut, so I reach out and wrap my arms around her again. "I don't want you to ever think anything like that again," I tell her. "You're probably the one person I do completely trust anymore. I just wasn't sure you'd still want to be with me if you knew that."

      "Which is what I just said! You don't trust me."

      "No, that's not it at all! It's just..." I pause to try and put my words together, then continue my explanation. "It was just that I honestly thought that I could handle it myself, and I didn't want to worry you."

        She cocks an eyebrow at me, and her tone is slightly sarcastic as she retorts, "Yes, and that's worked out fabulously, hasn't it?"

      "I know, it was a stupid idea, but it's what I've always done. I never told Nan and Pop about a lot of things that happened when I first moved out from Missouri, like when I was living in abandoned buildings and getting maybe one meal a day, if I was lucky. And if it hadn't been for Cyndee's big yap, they wouldn't ever have found out I was using coke before. I kept all that stuff from them because I didn't want to disappoint them, or make them worry, and that's why I didn't say anything to you, either.  I'm well aware that dealing with someone else's emotional problems is a lot to ask of anyone, and sometimes it can be too much. So I decided that I wouldn't drop that kind of burden on you if there was any way to avoid it, because I was scared to death that I'd lose you, too. But I have anyway, so I guess I've just fucked things up all the way around."

      She just stares at me for a minute, not saying anything, but then tears start trickling down her cheeks, and her voice breaks as she finally says, "Did it ever, for one second, occur to you that I might feel the same way? Did you even once stop to think that I might not want to spend every waking moment that you weren't with me wondering if I was gonna get a call from somebody saying that you were in jail, or the hospital? Or worse? Is there any way for me to make it sink into that cinderblock you call your skull that it would absolutely fucking destroy me if anything happened to you? That I'd rather take on that 'burden', as you call it, than not have you in my life?"

      By this time, she's full-on sobbing, and as she pulls away from me to grab for some tissues, it finally dawns on me that I've come dangerously close to shifting my "burden" onto all of the people who care about me: My friends, the rest of my family, and especially Steph. I wouldn't wish the pain and misery I've been feeling on my worst fucking enemy, so how did I even think for a second about being selfish enough to force it on the people I care about the most?

      Dr. Ledbetter is just sitting quietly at his desk watching us, so I'm kind of assuming that this is basically what he wanted when he asked her to come. This is my reality check. He understood that seeing how much pain I've been inflicting on the people I care about was probably the only thing that might either motivate me to pull myself out of this... emotional quicksand that I've been letting myself sink into, or prove to him, and everyone else, that I didn't really want help after all.

      "To be honest, it didn't even occur to me that it would affect anybody this much," I admit. "You, or anyone else, for that matter. I guess I've been so caught up in my own anger and unhappiness that it didn't even occur to me to consider how it might be affecting you. I'm truly sorry for that, babe, and if I could undo it, you know I would. But I guess that pretty much eliminates any possibility that you might be willing to give me another chance, doesn't it?"

      She lifts her head to look at me again, and I brace myself for what I know she's going to tell me: That she cares about me, and wants the best for me, but that we can't be anything more than friends now, because I've abused her trust too much for anything else. So I'm taken totally off guard when she stares me in the eye and simply says, "That depends."

      "On what?" I manage to stammer. "Please, just tell me what it's going to take to make things right with you, and if it's something I can do, you got it."

      "It depends on how willing you actually are to cooperate with whatever it is you're supposed to do while you're here," she calmly replies, her gaze never flinching from mine. "It depends on whether you're planning to make the effort to actually get better, and stop all of your self-destructive behavior. Now, don't get me wrong, I know it's not gonna happen overnight, and I'll do whatever I can to help you, but I have to know that you're at least trying. Because as much as I love you, I cannot, and will not, try to maintain a relationship with you just to watch you drink yourself to death, or OD in a hotel room somewhere."

      My heart, which just a second ago felt like it had dropped into my stomach, now seems to be turning somersaults as three words in her statement jump out from the rest. "Did you...?" I question, in a voice that even I can barely hear, "Did you just say that you...? That you love me?"

      Her expression changes, and now she looks nervous and uncertain, like she's worried that she may have said something wrong. But after a couple of seconds, she nods, and whispers, "Yeah, I did. And I do."

      I reach out and cup her face in my hands, then gently kiss the end of her nose before leaning my forehead against hers and saying, "That is absolutely the best news I've heard in... I don't remember how long, because it goes both ways. I love you, too, more than I think I even realized until now, and I will do whatever I have to do to prove it to you. So I will gladly do whatever they ask me to do while I'm here, for you."

      She leans back, and I'm confused again when she starts shaking her head and says "No."

      "What do you mean, 'No'? I thought you wanted me to make an effort."

      "I do," she responds. "But you can't do it for me, or for anybody else, you have to do it for yourself. You have to want it.  If you don't, it won't last, and you'll just end up right back at square one. If you don't kill yourself, or someone else, before you bottom out, that is."

      I pause to think about this, and I have to admit that she's absolutely right. I have to get better for myself, because if I don't, I'm taking the risk of ending up just like I was two days ago: sick, strung out, and suicidal. And I've finally realized that isn't what I want, for myself or for Steph. 

      "You're right, I can't do it just for you," I inform her. "I have to do it for myself. And that's exactly what I intend to do, because I'm just so fucking tired of feeling helpless, and angry, and just... lost. So, how about if I do it for us?" 

      That beautiful smile sweeps across her face like the sun emerging from behind a cloud, and almost takes my breath away, as she flings her arms around me again and says, "Yeah, I think I might be able to live with that."

      After I finally manage to give her a real kiss, and we get a bit more comfortable on the couch, Dr. Ledbetter finally cuts in, and asks both of us to work up some sort of "action plan", which are basically just guidelines for what we're both willing to be responsible for as far as keeping me on track to work through this and get better. We each make up a list, and he goes over several of the points with us, adding in his ideas and insights, until a little chime sounds, and he informs us that the session time is up, and that I need to get back on schedule with my other classes.

      "Before he does that, can we do that thing I talked to you about this morning?" Steph asks him, which totally confuses me. "I'm pretty sure it'll help him focus a bit better on his program, because it'll be one less worry he'll have to distract him."

      "Yes, you're probably correct, Ms. Logan," he agrees. "Go ahead, perhaps it will help him concentrate on the task at hand, instead of worrying about what's going on outside the hospital walls."

      She pulls out her phone, taps in a number, and after a few seconds, she says, "Hey there, it's me. Are you ready?" Then, after apparently getting an affirmative answer, she hold it out to me. "I think there's someone who'd like to speak with you."

      I have no idea who she's called, but I take the phone from her hand and say, "Hello?"

      To my surprise, I hear, "H'lo, Mithter Ash. Is you feeling better?"

      "Shane? Hey, buddy, I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day. You know I'd never do anything to hurt your feelings on purpose, but I wasn't feeling very good that day, and I just sort of lost my temper."

      "Yeah, I know that, and I's not mad wif you no more," he informs me.  "Auntie Steffy camed over to see me and Mommy this morning, and she telled us that you was in the hopistle. She says that you got some bad messins and they maked you grumpy, but you's not takin' thems no more. Was you lergical to thems? My Grandy is lergical to... What it's called, Mommy?"

      "Penicillin, love," Midori's voice says in the background.

      "Yeah, him's lergical to Pencizillins, and it makes him get all bumpy and itchy. So am that's why you's messins maked you grumpy?"

      "Something like that, kiddo," I reply. "But Auntie Steffy is right, I'm not taking that medicine anymore. The doctor found me some different ones, and I should hopefully be feeling better by the time they let me go home. And after I get out of here, if your mommy will let me, I'll take you out somewhere really cool to make up for being mean to you. How does that sound?"

      "That sounds like it should be fine," Midori answers. "Although it might have to wait a bit, since we're going to be all sorts of behind at APFI by the time they clear you to come back to work."

      "Wait a second, does that mean you'll come back to work? I mean, I don't blame you a bit for walking out, after I was such an as... Well, you know what I'm saying."

      "Yeah, I know," she says. "And yes, we'll all come back. Apparently, Lylah and Macy  went to see Nina and Dane while Steph was here, and they've decided to un-quit, too, if that's even a word."

      "I'm not sure if it is or not, but I'll take it," I tell her. "I'm not exactly sure how long I'll be out, but at minimum it'll be at least another week."

      "Don't even worry about it, just focus on getting better," she insists. Then, after a slight pause, she says, "And Ash? If something like this ever happens again, you do know that you can talk to any of us if you want, right? Because just in case you weren't aware, we've all got your back."

      "Well, if I didn't know before, I do now, and I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks, Midori, I really appreciate it." Then I see Dr. Ledbetter glancing at his watch, so I say, "I have to go now, but I'm glad we got to clear this up. Tell Shane to think of some things he might want to do, and we'll get together and pick something as soon as I'm out of here, okay?"

      She agrees, and ends the call, and as I hand the phone back to Steph, she grins at me, saying, "So you don't have to worry about your business now, and you definitely don't have to worry about me, so you can just focus on getting your head into a better space. Until further notice, that's your job. Okay?"

      "Okay," I agree, as I pull myself up to a standing position. "But for now, how about a goodbye kiss before I have to go back to the grind?"

      She stands up, and slides her arms around my neck. "I've got a better idea," she responds. "How about a 'See you later' kiss instead? Because this isn't goodbye by a long shot, since I plan to be right here waiting to take you home in a few days, when you're ready. So, not to sound like I'm trying to get away from you, but it's time for you to go do what you need to do, because the sooner you finish the program, the sooner we can see each other again."

      So after a kiss that I'm going to be thinking about every day that I'm here, she leaves to go home, and I head for my next class, with a much better attitude than I've had for some, time. Because I've finally remembered that I do have something to live for, and, for the first time in months, I feel like I'm actually gonna be okay. And I'm going to find my way out of the dark place that I let myself get sucked into, and make the most of my life. Because I've decided that I'm glad to be alive, and the most incredible girl I've ever met is in love with me, as much as I am with her.

      Because this is the best feeling in the world, and I'll be damned if I let myself lose sight of that again.