ASHLEY:

      I pull up in front of the restaurant, and before I can even roll down the window, there's a valet on either side reaching for the doorhandles. They pull open the doors to let me and Steph out, and I hand the one next to me the keys as she comes around to stand next to me. "Hang on just a sec, your tie is crooked," she says, reaching out to shift it. "It's also a bit loose, would you like me to snug it up a bit, too?"

      "Nah, I did that on purpose," I reply. "I'm being semi-formal today."

      "I'm not sure I can even say that much. Be honest, Ash, do you really think I'm dressed to be here?"

      I step back and scan her outfit, which consists of a loose-fitting black cowlneck sweater, which comes down to her hipbones, paired with a billowy ankle-length tie-dyed skirt in shades of royal purple, teal, and lime green. She's wearing this with black suede boots, and I have to say, the look suits her. Sort of "hippie-chic", I guess you could call it.

      "Yeah, you're fine," I assure her, then wave my hand in front of myself vertically, indicating my untucked red button-down, leather pants, and cowboy boots, along with the loosened tie. "If they have a problem with what you're wearing, then they sure as hell won't let me in, either. And if they're that uptight, we can just go somewhere else."

      "Works for me," she agrees. "I'd just as soon go to McDonald's than worry about dealing with a bunch of judgmental snobs. I did enough of that in London to last the rest of my life."

      I open the door to let her in, then follow along to the hostess desk, where the girl confirms my reservation, and ask us to wait while she checks to see if our table is ready. As we stand and wait, Steph taps my shoulder and points across the room. "Look, they actually have a wandering violinist here," she chuckles.

      "Going for 'ambiance', I guess. Tell you what, though: If he's not any good, we don't tell Jinxx and Alice about this place, okay? He'd probably end up causing a scene if he had to spend his entire meal listening to sub-standard violin."

      She starts giggling, and I inform her that I'm not joking, which makes her laugh harder. Then a guy in a suit walks toward us, who I recognize as the owner from his picture attached to the online review I looked up this morning. He passes us, heading for the entrance, and we hear him say, "Hello there, lovelies! How is my favorite cousin? And where's your fella this evening? "

      "I'm just fine, thanks," a very familiar voice answers. "And he's at band practice, so we're having ourselves a girl's night. And I see someone we know, so we'll chat with them while we're all waiting for our tables, if that's cool."

      We both turn around and see Markie and Jazy standing behind us, along with another girl they occasionally hang with. Her name is Michelle, and every time I see her, she makes it quite clear that she'd like for me to ask her out, but that's not gonna happen. She actually asked Jazy to set us up once, and I had to explain that even though she's what everyone thinks of as my "type", with an admittedly excellent pair of legs, some first-class implants, and long strawberry-blonde hair, I'm just not attracted to her. For some reason, I just get the feeling that there's something kind of "off" about her, and I'm pretty certain that if I ever did take her out, or even just hook up with her, I'd have some serious difficulty cutting her loose.

      "So I see you finally got your shit together," Jazy remarks as she steps forward, gives me a peck on the cheek, then turns to Steph. "Hello, Stephanie, it's good to see you again. I was actually going to call you the other day and see if you might want to do lunch or something with Markie and me, but then I got called in to cover for someone who got too sick to work. We should get together sometime soon, though."

      "It's nice to see you two again, too," Steph returns. "And yeah, that sounds like fun. Call me later, and we can figure something out."

      "Oh, hey there Ash," Michelle chirps, moving up next to Jazy. "I didn't know you had family visiting. This must be your... cousin, I'm guessing?"

      Markie steps in and introduces Steph and Michelle, clarifying that we're not related, and then introduces us to the restaurant owner, who is her cousin, Darren. Michelle keeps trying to move closer to me, and I keep stepping away, but she doesn't seem to get the message until I go and basically wedge myself between Steph and the wall, and even then she's looking at me like she's thinking about trying to follow me there. Fortunately, the hostess comes back to take us to our table before she can make the attempt, and Darren leads the three of them to a table several feet away, but still in visual range.

      The server comes to bring menus and take our drink orders, and when he leaves, Steph looks up from her menu with a mischievous grin and  says, "Well, that was interesting. I almost wish I'd pulled out my phone, because I'm not sure anyone would believe me if I told them that you actually tried to run away from a lingerie model."

      "Yes, they would, actually," I explain. "Or at least CC and Tiff would. They've met her, and they're quite aware that she kind of creeps me out. Now, I have no problem with a woman being confident in herself, or letting me know that she's interested, but I do have issues with people who refuse to take no for an answer. I've done everything short of actually being rude to this girl to make her realize that I'm not into her, but she doesn't seem to get it."

      And as I'm talking, I happen to glance over Steph's shoulder and see Michelle staring at me, and when she notices me looking, she blows me a kiss and leans forward to expose more cleavage, earning irritated looks from Jazy and Markie. "Hey, could I ask you a small favor?" I inquire.

      "I don't see why not," Steph replies. "Whaddya need?"

      She gets the giggles again when I ask, "Could you possibly change seats with me? I'd really rather not spend the whole meal watching her do everything short of a striptease to get attention."

      We swap seats, the server comes back with our drinks, and I order the Pasta Pescatore, while Steph chooses the Chicken Saltimbocca, and we both opt for a side salad. After he leaves, we start chatting as we wait for our food, and I find out that while we have a lot of things in common, there are some topics that we're going to have to "agree to disagree" on.

      "How in the world can you not like Hank Williams?" I blurt out during our conversation about music. "He was a great singer."

      "You might think so, but I disagree," she retorts. "I'm okay with some of Junior's stuff, but I can't stand Senior's voice. It's too nasal and... twangy."

      "Is that even a real thing?"

      "It is now," she snickers. "Okay, change of topic. Who's your favorite writer?"

      "Nicholas Sparks. I actually have a signed copy of "The Notebook,"  I  answer. "Yours?"

      "Hmmm, that one's hard to choose, because I read a lot," she muses. "So I'll give you top five: Stephen King, R. A. Salvatore, Douglas Adams, John Irving, and Larry Correia."

      "Movie?" I query.

      "Either the very first 'Star Wars', or the original 'Halloween'. I couldn't get into the Rob Zombie version. And you?"

      "I'll go with 'The Notebook' again," I say. "But I also love horror movies. Have you ever seen 'Vamp'? Can't go wrong with vampire strippers."

      This earns me a full-throated laugh, which has people at nearby tables looking at us. "That one doesn't ring a bell, but have you seen 'Return of the Living Dead, Part Two'? Absolutely hilarious zombie horror-comedy."

      "No, I can't say that I have. Sounds like we might have to get together for a movie day sometime."

      Our food finally arrives, we keep talking as we eat, and I finally put down my fork and say, "I've been sort of wondering about something you said the day of the photo shoot, and I was wondering if you'd mind me asking about it."

      She raises an eyebrow, looking sort of puzzled. "I wouldn't know until I hear the question, but give it a shot."

      "You talked about how you were, well... heavy, when you were a kid. I just kind of wondered what motivated you to change that?"

      Her mouth tightens up for a second, and I start to think that maybe I've stepped a little too far out of line, but then she lets out a sigh and says, "A couple of months before the adoption, somebody finally pointed out that I wasn't doing myself any favors by basically using food to self-medicate. In a way, it was kind of like what we discussed about you and alcohol: nobody's saying that you can't drink booze, you just don't have to drink all of the booze. I was having problems knowing when to stop, too, instead of one or two Oreos, I'd eat the whole packet. But when I went to Pennsylvania, we talked about it, and Dad got me hooked up with a counselor who was the mom of one of his players, and she helped me figure out how to control my intake, and told me that I should be more concerned about how I feel than how I look, so that's what I've done. If I get too thin, or go back up too far, I don't feel as good, so I just give my body what it tells me it needs, instead of obsessing over the size label in my clothes, or the number on the scale."

      "That actually makes a lot of sense," I acknowledge. "Too bad more people don't put that into practice, then maybe we'd have fewer people passing out from hunger, or making themselves sick trying to fit into a jeans size that their body was never meant to maintain."

      When we finally finish eating, Steph says that she needs to go to the ladies before we leave, so I tell her that I'll go settle the check and meet her by the door, and she agrees. As she makes her way toward the restrooms, I decide to stop and say goodbye to Markie and Jazy before I go to the register, and walk over to their table. But before I can even open my mouth, Michelle reaches out to grab my hand and says, "I have to give you credit, Ash, you've been giving a pretty convincing performance, but you don't have to keep dragging it out. I'd be thrilled to go out with you, there was no need for you to try to make me feel sorry for you to get a date."

      The girls just gape at her as I pull my hand away and blurt, "What the fuck are you babbling about? I didn't ask you to go out, and I don't plan to, I thought you would have figured that out by now!"

      "Are you fucking high, Shell?" Markie splutters.

      "Oh, come on, you guys, I've figured it all out," she announces smugly. "This is why you asked me to come here with you, so Ash could pull off his little performance, and get me to go on a date with him. I know you all planned this together, so you don't need to deny it."

      Jazy stands up from her chair, exclaiming, "You're so full of shit that your eyes should be brown! Neither of us asked you to come along, you invited yourself, and we were just stupid enough not to argue the point. But trust me, that won't happen again!"

      "Oh come on, that's the only thing that makes sense," Michelle insists. "Why else would he be out with her? We all know that Ash can get any girl he wants without having to resort to scraping the bottom of the barrel and hooking up with a chubette."

      When I hear this, I immediately understand the old saying about "seeing red", because I'm so pissed off that my vision actually blurs for a second. But I force myself to take a couple of deep breaths, and actually manage to keep my voice calm when I announce, "No, you've got that completely ass-backward, as usual. I'd only be scraping the bottom of the barrel if I was actually fucking stupid enough to go out with you. I've tried my damnedest to get it through your head that I'm not interested without being a dick about it, but you just canceled out that option, so here goes. Yeah, you've got a great body and a pretty face, but you have such a miserable personality that it makes you completely unattractive. To be honest, I'd sooner become celibate than put up with you."

      Her mouth is hanging open by the time I finish, and she finally says, "Well, if that's not the rudest thing I ever heard!" She stands up, looks at the girls, and announces, "I'm going to go fix my face. Unless you two can convince him to apologize for being such an asshole, I'd appreciate it if he was gone when I get back."

      As soon as her back is turned, Markie shoots up from her seat and rushes over to her cousin, saying something that I can't hear. He nods and walks over to one of the servers just as I see Steph coming toward us. "Are you ready?" she asks.

      "No, I still have to go settle up. I got a little sidetracked," I admit. "Come on, we'll go do that now."

      As we head for the register, I'm not entirely surprised to see Jazy and Markie just a few steps behind us. Turning to look at them, I mumble, just loud enough for them to hear, "Please don't bring that crazy bitch anywhere near me again, okay?"

      "Absolutely not a problem, hon," Jazy assures me. "I'm done with her myself."

      "Ditto," Markie chimes in.

      I pay the bill, and the four of us step outside. As we wait for the cars, Steph asks, "So, what do we want to do now?"

      I sneak a look at my phone and see that it's barely nine o'clock, so I reply, "I honestly don't know, what sounds good to you?"

      "How about the boardwalk?" she suggests. "And if you want, we could see if they want to join us."

      "Seriously, you'd be okay with that?"

      "Sure, it'll be fun!"

      So I jog over to Markie's car to extend the invitation, and after assuring them that they're not interrupting a "date", they accept, and follow us to the boardwalk. The four of us spend the next couple of hours playing carnival games, riding the bumper cars, and laughing our asses off, especially when the girls receive a string of very profane texts from Michelle, bitching about them not only leaving her without a ride, but also for not paying for her dinner, which had been her expectation, and forcing her to call her sister to bring her money to keep from being arrested. Jazy simply replies, "You brought it on yourself. Suck it up, buttercup."

      After we've covered everything on the boardwalk, Steph says, "If you guys aren't too tired, why don't we go to my place for awhile? We could watch a movie or something."

      "Yeah, maybe you could show us that one you were telling me about earlier," I say. "The zombie comedy thing, y'know."

      We pile back into the cars, and as I drive toward Steph's house, something interesting occurs to me: I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun with a girl... and I'm not even gonna get laid. 

      I'm gonna have to think about this in a bit more depth. But later... after we finish having fun.