Doe's POV:

The snowfall had died down to almost nothing by now, which made forcing myself to focus on it as a sad excuse of a distraction harder and harder.

My weight fell completely against the sidewall, a hand idly stirring the nearly empty jar with the metal straw.

The slices of strawberry, lemon, and cucumber fell over each other as I pushed them around.

Courtesy of the vampire himself.

I think he'd caught on that water was the only thing I would take, and started ordering it with these fruit infusions.

I guess to try to get anything into my body, no matter how small the actual nutrition value of it was.

And he stopped ordering it with ice.

The initial sight of it on the coffee table almost caused me to deny it.

As long as I didn't have to chew it, and the flavor of these fruits was just barely present, I would be able to keep it down.

I didn't have the energy to fight myself over a few slices of fruit.

It's not like I had to eat them anyway.

The stirring stopped, eyebrows furrowing with the realization that I needed to find something else to focus on.

As if doing so even worked to begin with.

Even through the distractions I convinced myself I was having, my brain wouldn't take a break from attempting to reason.

And in turn, came to a few conclusions that I'd never let settle in until today.

My eyes shut tight at the sudden pain in my head and deep rumbling in my ears.

I needed to feel something other than the aches all over the inside of my body.

I didn't care what it was.

When I could open my eyes again, they lifted up to the latch of the window.

Good enough.

It was easily accessible and didn't include me having to move from this spot.

Even if I didn't have the energy the warm myself back up, at least cold the against my skin will be a different sensation than the agony wracking through me.

Maybe if it gets bad enough, the external sensation will become more noticeable than the internal ones.

Lifting the hand closest to the glass I flipped the latch holding the two sides of the window together.

I scooted over to the other side to set the jar there, and pull just one side of the window open.

My legs fell off the edge, and into the outside after I resituated myself.

I welcomed the cold air with a deep inhale through my mouth, and the biting caress of it against my exposed skin.

The light wind sent my hair waving and caressing my cheeks

I let the blanket I had been wrapped up in fall in a pile behind me and stared out into what I could see of the land below.

Only for those thoughts determined to show themselves promptly returned.

I didn't try to fight it this time, just let it possess me in hopes that this diversion would work eventually.

Any fight I had left was extinguished.

I think I finally accepted the harsh conclusion that this life wasn't my own.

It never was, and the truth is that it was never meant to be.

From the moment I was born, my life's course was already set for me.

How I would die had been already concluded. It was just a matter of time until the day came.

I guess I should consider myself lucky for lasting as long as I have.

But for what?

To do nothing but just sit here until that time comes again?

For Layla to inevitably insert herself back into my life with her raging determination to put an end to me.

The skin under my bandage burned at the thought, but the rest of me pleaded for it to come sooner rather than later.

To just get it over with.

I was exhausted, and it felt like I had nothing left going for me.

Nothing left to hope for, and everything left I had to hold on to fleeing.

Every positive thought I had left, every reach that maybe things weren't as they seemed had been crushed under this weight in my head.

With only the memories of when I once believed that I was stronger than this.

That I was better than what this world planned for me.

All just piled on top of the delusional hopes I had tricked myself into having and believing for such a long time.

In reality, I never left where I started.

Never broke free from the collar locked around my neck at birth.

Even when I thought I might have escaped from this.

When for a certain time I didn't feel like a pet because the vampire I lived with treated me so much differently.

He let me feel like even for a short while, that my life was in my own hands.

That maybe I could actually live.

That I could enjoy the days as they came without a care in the world.

But it was all just in my head.

That fact became even more clear to me whenever I'd walk alone through the city.

They could pick me right out of the crowd with a single glance as if the word 'pet' was branded right into my forehead.

I couldn't escape this life no matter what I tried.

Even at the height of it all, they knew I was different. That I was lower than them.

No matter what level my confidence was at, it never changed a thing.

Never changed what my fate was and who was going to execute it.

It now seemed like it was my fate to die by her hands.

I remember such a thought would cause spite and grit to boil in me no more than a few days ago.

But now it just made me wonder what would happen after my demise.

If it would set anything into motion or just simply be another regular day to anyone involved.

Would Xander even care for a reason other than he'd have to find another pet to satisfy her?

I wanted to think that he would, and that little ember of hope was even still vanishing with the rest.

Would anything come of it?

I don't know why I wasted my time wondering these things. It's not like I'll ever have the answer.

My eyes trailed down, leaning forward just a bit to spot the ground below me.

The sight... the knowledge that this height could be considered a mercy.

I knew what falling from this height would result in.

My eyes squinted, taking in the stark white snow all the way below.

It made me wonder, just for a moment, what it would be like to finally take hold of my life as it ended.

To have some semblance of a choice in how my life ended up.

As a last stand... I big fat middle finger to the world that kept reminding me otherwise.

To know that I was the one who put myself to rest.

I didn't want to die, but that was all I was born to do.

Not to die, but to be murdered.

This just seemed like the easier way out.

Quick and relatively painless on top of it all.

My new tears felt like they were freezing against my eyes.

I couldn't even tell you what they stemmed from, but their sudden appearance left me panicking to get rid of them before they could fall.

The hands I was leaning on for support lifted to quickly wipe them away.

To force control over my breathing and try desperately to convince myself again and again that I was fine.

Something that usually came as second nature to me, yet this time was futile.

And still, I tried, expelling any ounce of energy I had left into containing what was so close to breaking through.

Little did I know that all of that was keeping me from noticing what was happening.

How my moment of deep, unrelenting weakness distracted me from the fact that my body had made the decision for me.

That my heels were pressing hard against the sidewall of the castle, from the tension of containing myself and drawing me closer and closer to the edge.

I didn't notice until I felt the support slide away from under my upper thigh.

A gasp tore through me the second I realized what was happening, my back straightening and shooting back.

My arms straightened and shot downwards in an attempt to catch myself on the ledge, and bare feet pressed against the outside wall to try to at least slow the movement

I didn't realize just how far out the window I already was, and my hands hit nothing but frozen air.

And my feet couldn't get the upward traction against the snow-slicked wall, which sent them sliding out under me harder than before.

I was slipping, my failed attempts at stopping it only further sent my body falling in the way I had just been imagining.

It was just supposed to be a thought! I didn't want to go through with it!

I hurriedly tried to turn my body in a vain last-ditch attempt to catch myself, feeling my side scrape against the corner of the sharp brick before I fell away from being able to save myself.

Time seemed to slow the second gravity took me, the weight of what was happening crashing down faster than should be possible.

The air felt colder than ever as my body fell through it.

No. No no no no this isn't what I wanted!

There was no relief. No satisfaction. No delight in taking this final action for myself!

I didn't want to die! Especially not like this!

But it was too late. the decision was made even if it didn't feel like it was completely mine.

This was it. This was how it ends.

That realization hurt me more than I thought it would.

How after everything, every fight I put up, all the determination that when I died I would at least die with pride.

Yet that was the least thing I felt at this moment.

It was all gone...

SNAP!

A sharp pain burst from my right shoulder, the sound forcing me back into reality with a sharp yelp.

The rushing air was no longer buffeting against me, and that weightless feeling in my stomach had fled.

My left arm grabbed my opposing forearm and pulled on an instinct, trying to aid in the pain in my shoulder that was getting worse and worse with each second thay it held all of my weight.

Even despite that, I was frozen in shock, my heart almost hurting with how fast it beat in my chest.

My breaths were quick and shallow I stared at the ground that was no longer approaching me, head lifting as I finally registered what was keeping me suspended above it.

What had stopped my fall.

Xander...

His wide-eyed expression caused me to mirror it, his breaths deep and trembling with the panic evident all over him.

And for the first time in days, the sight of him didn't repel me.

The entirety of his torso and hips hung out of the window with me, both of his clawed hands holding tight to my wrist and forearm.

A warm touch compared to what I was surrounded by.

I didn't understand how with his position, he too hadn't fallen until I felt rubble from above dust against my cheeks.

When with just a simple glance past his face, the familiar slate color of his wings extended on either side of him filled my view.

The thick talons that extended outwardly from the second bend of his wings buried deep into the brick on either side, catching us both.

The sight caused a multitude of feelings to bombard me all at once, but I could only focus on one thing at a time, and even that was difficult through the shock of it all.

"Xander," His name left me as nothing more than a broken whisper, and I couldn't even tell the emotion behind it.

Relief? Suprise? Regret? Shame? Agony?

All of it. Every single one and then some.

He blinked like he was snapping out of a haze, head-turning back toward his wings as if even he was surprised that they were there.

There was resolve clashing begin the panic in his eyes as he faced me again.

"I've got you," the worst strained through a hard exhale.

The words held a similar relief as the first time I had heard them only a few days ago, yet the direness behind it was impossible to miss.

My face contorted in pain as the strength in my left arm was running out, and the pain in my right was getting worse and worse.

I felt one of his hands leave my right arm, and instead move to my left, the second one following soon after.

My right arm fell limp at my side with both a harsh jolt of pain and relief.

I couldn't move it at all.

My eyes opened to his face yet again before he pulled me up towards him.

One of his hands left my arm, and instead wrapped around my lower back, pulling me up close to him before the other hooked around the shoulder that wasn't throbbing, and under the one that was.

I grabbed tight to the fabric under the back of his neck with the hand I could move, pressing myself against his shoulder.

I'm okay... I'm okay I'm okay.

I tried repeating thoes words in my head  as Xander shifted.

I could hear his heart thundering almost as fast as mine was as he used the muscles in his wings to slowly pull us back up.

His grip on me was tight, holding me to him like his life depended on it.

The warmth of the room enveloped me yet I couldn't even be grateful for it.

I couldn't feel even an inch of relief.

My mind was racing, it felt like every part of me was with the realization of what just happened settled in.

The realization of what I had just done.

How I had almost just ended my own life and immediately regretted it.

How he saved me.

I wanted so badly to believe the good intentions behind his actions, but I was so guarded and panicked, that I didn't even know where to begin.

I couldn't focus on anything right now.

My hand shot to grab my aching shoulder the second my feet were on solid ground.

My legs trembled furiously beneath me as Xander released me and stepped away to close the window.

My head cautiously rose to face him as he stepped in front of me again.

And whether it was because of the frenzy in me, or unfamiliarity, I couldn't at all discern the pinch in his brows as he looked over me.

The rise and fall of his chest was more prominent than usual with the harsh breaths he was taking.

His eyes planted on my shoulder, the look on his face softening for just a second.

When that harsher look returned, I watched in strange surprise as his wings fully extended before snapping shut with a loud slap.

Except when they did, it was like an explosion of wing shreds flying from his back and fizzeling into nothing.

Like how they did at the end of the bloodmoon, but all at once as he forced his wings away.

His wings... Oh my God his wings came out to-

"Come on," Just like his expression, I didn't know the harsh emotion behind his words.

It was new, and I don't think I like it.

It was like he was speaking through a snarl, his teeth clenched together and an obvious tension in his jaw.

In his entire body, in fact.

"W-What?" I questioned pitifully.

Something in me twisted as he turned and walked away from me, snagging a light jacket from the back of his desk chair to cover the shredded back of his shirt.

When he turned back to me, his gaze caused me to draw back.

I've never seen such a look on him.

It somewhat reminded me of Nico.

"Come on!" He repeated the words in a low, final tone.

Finally, it came together.

Even though my haze, I could register what radiated from those words.

Anger.

Oh my god.

Every negative feeling fighting in my body doubled at the realization.

Any reasoning fell out the window with me.

I couldn't try to figure him out right now, and I knew I had to fix this pain in my arm before anything else.

I just needed my mind to clear.

To let me think stop and process all of this before starting something else.

But right now, all I could do was listen to him. I knew where he was taking me anyway.

I willed my legs to move despite how heavy and unstable they felt.

Xanders gate was much quicker than mine as he grabbed and opened the door, ushering me into the hall.