My heart ached like it had every day for the past thirteen months and fourteen days. Sometimes each beat felt as though it was tearing me apart inside – the constant wondering if it was wrong that I counted the days since my new hell welcomed me into its fiery arms? Each day seemed to last forever as I waited for the next disastrous wave to come crashing down on me, wrecking my world with its carnage, and leaving nothing but blurry memories of a life I could hardly remember.

"Dad only cares about the computer. I just want him to come watch my practice," Jace said, crying in my arms, his hot tears splashing onto my bare shoulder. I'd heard him ask Justin to come and watch his practice, and silently, I'd already known the answer before Justin replied. Anger bubbled up inside me. I hated this new feeling that overwhelmed me each waking moment; the way its tentacles wrapped around me, searching me, looking for any space that was not yet already filled with red-hot emotion. Escaping was never an option; it always found me.

"What'd he say, baby?" I secretly hoped that maybe, when I had walked away disgusted at the man my husband had become, Justin had a moment of clarity and saw what it meant to Jace for him to go, even though it was just practice. Because it was more than that. Jace longed for the dad he once had. A dad that spent time with him, laughing, talking, or just sitting together in front of the fire pit saying nothing, but just knowing he was there. Jace missed his dad, so did Jenna. They all missed him. I missed him so much that, some days, I had to force myself to go on. The moment I thought I couldn't take another breath, I would envision Jenna and Jace alone with him, and that scared the hell out of me.

"He's busy, and that he feels sick," Jason grumbled out in reply as he pushed himself away from me and plopped himself down on the couch. His dusty football shoes kicked up a cloud of smelly dust as he clumsily smacked the corner of the worn coffee table. Justin had little time for his children these days. Time management was hard for him now – another unexpected result of his brain injury and another one of the many changes in Justin. Once, he'd plan his day out, down to exact times and how long he would spend at events, writing everything down precisely in his old, worn-out brown leather planner. He used to always carry it around, never leaving it at home, but now it sat covered in dust at the bottom of his dirty truck.

The last day he wrote in it was the morning before his accident. Bitterly I thought of all the hours I spent by his side, wiping away sweat, drool, and other body fluids. Long hours spent hunched over his broken body, praying for the pain to lessen. Tears wasted as I wept quietly, imagining the nightmares he must have been having, reliving the accident every day in his shattered mind.

Anger rose up again as I watched Jace, whose face was now pale and dejected. I missed the laughter and joyful voices I once lived with. The days had become gloomy, despite the bright sun outside. Inside, the grayness never left; it circled us, keeping us captive.

With all the grayness around me every day, I prayed that this day would be better, that the sun would shine through to show all of us that there was still hope. I searched daily, scanning every moment for a mere peek of the husband I once had. He was there somewhere, deep inside the fabric that now covered him. Justin was somewhere fighting to come back out. And I would be there when he found the light, just like when I sat there next to him, listening to his heartbeat, counting each breath, watching over him while he slept at the hospital. I would be there when he woke up and came back to us.

Still, I was tired of living with the consequences of his brain injury, tired of the effect it was having on our family. Jace was absolutely correct to blame the computer; I knew when we returned from football practice that Justin would still be sitting there playing card games. His first few weeks home from the hospital, I didn't mind him playing the games, and while in rehab, they encouraged him to play card games on an iPad and even played games and puzzles with him during therapy times.

"It's a great way to get the brain working again," the therapist had said.

Before getting him from the hospital that beautiful, magnificent day he was discharged, I had bought a bag full of puzzle books. New puzzles for us to do as a family, so we could all encourage him to help his brain be strong again. The puzzles lay in the Target bag they came home in, shoved on a shelf in the family room under the bag of never looked at unused, dusty puzzle books. He had scoffed at them, tossed them aside, told me his brain was fine, and he didn't need "any fucking games to help." No, his healing game of choice was solitaire. Computer games. Solitude in his office in front of a bright screen, locked away from the people that loved him. The computer came first now.

Unfortunately, I was now familiar with not being on his list of important things to pay attention to, but our children would never fully understand that the dad that once put them ahead of everything would never again put them before his own wants and desires.

The last thirteen months and fourteen days of purgatory have proven, time and time again, that the only thing important to Justin is Justin. The three of us would continue on being last on his list, and I accepted that fate for me. I just had to make sure Jenna and Jace knew, without a doubt, that I loved them and they were always going to come first on my list. Somehow, I would have to make up for Justin's lack of love and kindness. I wasn't okay with it, I didn't understand how someone could change so dramatically, but I accepted it. After all, there was nothing I could do about it. I would wait, though; I would wait out the stormy days until he returned to us. And he would return, he'd come back, and we would all accept him.

It broke my heart even more, although I was unsure if that was even possible, to see my little guy get pushed away, again, by his dad. Jace didn't deserve this; he'd done nothing wrong in his whole eleven years of life.

"He always has a stupid excuse," Jason spat out into the couch cushion.

I sighed deeply as I sat next to his tense, angry body. I silently wished Justin had died in that accident, but then shame instantly overcame me at the thought, and at once, I wanted to take the words back. Don't listen to me, Universe. I didn't mean it. I'd rather have him broken than not at all.

I knew that somewhere, back in time, perhaps even in a different life, I had done something terrible because, otherwise, how did I deserve this private front row seat in hell. But what could this sweet boy have done to deserve having his little heart ripped into pieces?

As Jason folded himself into my arms again, I wished for just one day of normalcy for him. One day of being the highlight of his dad's day. Just one more day to know how important he really was to Justin. Just a single day to see the smile reach his eyes.

I rested my chin on top of his dirty hair, taking in the smells of childhood. He smelt of dust, sweat, and everything a boy growing into a young man should smell of. One day, Justin would wake up and realize he missed everything. It shattered me to know that he'll be alone when it happens, and it'll hurt me, even more, to know that he was making the choice to miss everything. He would wake up and be alone. His eyes would open, and he'd see the world as it had been and then realize he had pushed everyone who cared for him away.

"I know I can't make up for Daddy, but I'll be there watching every minute. I'll be at every game cheering you on. I'll be silently holding my breath with each second you are out there playing. I'll always be right here," I promised Jace, whispering into his small ear as I rubbed his forehead. His eyelids flutter slightly under my gentle touch. If I continued, he'd be asleep within minutes. The temptation to continue urged me on, wanting him to have a peaceful nap, away from nightmares and fears. Let him go into Dreamland and feel happy, even if just for a few moments.

"I love you, Mom," he whispered back, wiggling to get into a comfier position where he could wrap his arms around my neck.

This is right where he belongs, I mused, feeling the strength of his arms wrapped around me, wanting to never forget the feeling.

Here, like this, I could protect him, but I couldn't protect his heart from the hardships our family was going through. However, I could try to protect everything else. He belonged, right at this moment, in my arms. I knew I couldn't make it all better, no matter how much I believed, prayed and wished, but I promised myself that I would be enough for Jace and Jenna.

I have to be; I'm all they have, I told the Universe.

They both deserved more than me; they deserved the dad they had before the accident claimed him. Guilt drowned my brain, reminding me that I should have left him a year ago, at that exact moment when I knew my husband was gone and in his body was a man who I didn't know and didn't want to know.

I nuzzled Jace's tear-drenched cheek, and silently vowed I would make things better. I would find a way to make life better for the three of us.

"He doesn't mean to be this way. He loves you; he just doesn't know how to show it. His brain is different than what it used to be." I made excuses for Justin yet again. One day, I would stop doing that. One day I would... Bile rose up in my throat; I was tired of giving excuses for him, tired of having to play the games that came along with him. I wasn't even sure Justin loved anyone but himself. Most of the time I was sure he didn't even know what love felt like anymore. His eyes lacked any emotion, his tone never gave off a hint of passion, his actions lacked all compassion. Jace needed the reassurance of his father's love and, even if it was a lie, I was going to try and give it to him.

"I know, Mom." He pushed away from my tight embrace and wiped his red puffy cheeks with his dirty hand. "Let's go so we aren't late. They make us run an extra lap if we are late." He climbed out of my lap, smiling at me with Justin's smile. His smile, though, bright as it was, couldn't lie to me; sorrow lurked in it.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror across the room and smiled too, the same smile that I had seen on Jace's face, a smile filled with sadness. Will we ever have smiles that radiate with true happiness again? I wondered, and then followed Jason, missing the warmth and the smell of love that had surrounded me only seconds before.

"Yeppers, grab your water and let's go." I tousled his wild, unkempt hair. He needed a haircut but then had insisted on growing it long so the girls at school would play with it. So much love and hope used to lurk in him. Now he was empty, a shell of the happy, outgoing boy he once was. We all used to be so different. I had to stop thinking about the past and just live in the present. It was hard when the present was so callous though. I leaned down and kissed his cheek, then steered him towards the front door.

Anger replaced my smile as I passed the office and saw Justin sitting at the computer, clicking the mouse and playing his game. I was even irritated that he hadn't asked to use it, and I remembered why he had to use mine: his computer was at Best Buy getting cleaned due to viruses it got from him looking at porn.

"Have a good practice, son," Justin told Jace without looking away from the monitor.

A retort bit at my tongue, the urge to say something was overwhelming, but no, I clamped my lips together and just smiled, refusing to get into it with him – again – and have another pointless fight. He just wasn't worth it.

I'd live with my disgust. The disgust that filled me every time he said cruel words to me or our kids. The disgust I had for myself about staying when he wouldn't care if we left. He revolted me, and because of that, I was even more disgusted with myself. He was a man who needed help, and all I wanted was to run away, far away – change me and the kids' names and never speak of the past again.

That was my dream, but my need to help him, the small flicker of hope inside my heart asked me, How could you leave someone who you once loved so much?