Something yearned for me to look in the rearview mirror. Something wished, prayed, longed to see him running after us his hands waving for us to stop. I saw him dropping to his knees, begging me not to leave, promising to seek help, to be better, asking on his knees for forgiveness for the hell he surrounded us in. He'd change back to the man I loved, the man who loved his children, the man that loved me. Something inside me wanted this to happen. Something inside me told me that it would never happen.

I knew he would never follow us. I knew he would threaten me, try to pull me back to him with empty promises that he would never keep. He'd say everything I wanted to hear plus more. He would be nice and loving for a few days, then he would bring back hell, surrounding me in the deep depths of my personal hell that I fought so hard to survive in already. I knew that if I turned around and listened to his lies, I would never make it out of hell again. I would be stuck until my death.

The man I married was gone forever. No matter how much I prayed for him to return, no matter how much I thought I could help him, no matter how long I stayed and supported him, he would never return. The man who I left was never going to be my husband. That man would never be Jenna's and Jason's father. He would never be our Justin again. He would always be who he is. He didn't want help. He didn't want to change.

It was okay to admit defeat and leave because, if I stayed, he would drown us all in his darkness. Looking in the mirror, all I saw was the beautiful faces of my children, and I knew that we would be okay. I knew that with the long road ahead of us we would make it because we swam through hell and survived. This adventure would be simple.

I prayed that my children learned compassion and forgiveness through our travels through the darkness. I prayed that one day they would forgive their father and have a relationship with him.

Together, we would start over, and I would make sure that we found a reason to laugh again, every day.

We would have our happily ever after ending, after all not all happily ever after's end in love. Sometimes it's just the calmness that surrounds our soul after being in the turmoil of darkness for so long.