Chapter Fifteen

I watched her sleep, the darkness in my mind clearing to a light gray. The usual worry that painted her face was gone, replaced by youthful serenity. A small smile tugged at my chapped lips as she snuggled deeper into the oversized teddy bear, her arms curled around its neck, her face nuzzling into its fur. Had I bought her that teddy? I couldn't remember. Like many other things, my brain had forgotten.

Somewhere inside of me, I hoped I had. I could almost see her smile as I presented it to her. Would I have tied a ribbon around its neck? Did I take her out to dinner before giving it to her? Somewhere was a thought that the bear had been the package for a smaller present – perhaps the diamond pendant she always wore, nestled sweetly in-between the upper ridge of the valley between her breasts.

Leaning against the doorway to the room I once shared with her, I searched the shadows of my mind, searching for some hint of a memory that would allow me to feel something, anything.

Images came softly, almost translucent, and I closed my eyes, hoping the images would become clearer. My brain teased me with quick wisps of recollections. Yet maybe they weren't memories at all – just hopeful stories I wished were true?

With my eyes closed against the darkness of the night, I could almost hear the laughter and simple sounds of pleasure that once filled the room. I strained harder to hear the sounds but was eventually left with just the pounding of my own heart.

A quick picture popped into my head, and I doubled over from the powerful force of pain that shot through my heart. My hand clutched my chest as I saw the scene before my eyes. Jess had her head on my chest, counting my heartbeats, her hand clutching mine. Why was my chest wet? Was it her tears?

Barely, I heard her whisper, her light voice catching in-between sobs, "Don't leave me."

The memory was quickly snatched away. It was so clear – surely it was my brain making up a memory like so many before? Yet, I could still hear her whisper.

I wanted to climb into bed with her, to replace the bear with my body. I longed to feel her breath on my neck and have the heaviness of her arm wrapped around me.

She wouldn't welcome me though; I was a terror tonight, having caused another fight between us. I hadn't meant to call her a bitch – the word just slipped out. At times, I swore I had no control over myself. Fear pierced through me. What else did I not have control over?

Blackness threatened to overwhelm me again. The calmness I'd just felt was gone in the wind of agitation. Pushing off the doorframe, I became angry about how she could sleep so peacefully while sleep evaded me.

I left the room before the darkness forced me to wake her, before I made the hopeful spirit in her eyes fade. It was the only thing the darkness enjoyed – watching the light dim in others.

After all, it wasn't fair that I had to live alone in the dark.