Chapter 37

"Why haven't you ever told me how you got a dorm to yourself?" asked Bea as she lay on one of the empty beds, she was yawning occasionally from staying up with James studying, or "studying" because although Bea tried to get James to study, it didn't really work out when he looked so good with his tired smile and messy hair, and well, he was very good at persuading.

"Because you wouldn't like the answer," Violet spoke casually. She was rummaging through the many piles of clothes sprawled over the floor in order to find a specific red dress that she wanted to wear for the Thursday ahead.

"That sounds promising. Please tell me?" asked Bea, pushing herself to the bottom of the bed and looking up at Violet with her perfectly mastered puppy eyes that she had used on Remus plenty of times.

"No, don't you dare!" Violet warned, dramatically shielding her eyes whilst Bea laughed, "Phoebe Lupin I'm not telling you."

"why not?!" she exclaimed, "what could be so bad?"

"Let's just say my roommates didn't like the thought of sharing a room with someone...like me," Violet sighed, pulling the hoodie over her head and soon was she helped by Bea when she got stuck in it.

"Wait, what?!" Bea exclaimed.

"See I told you, I told you!" Violet huffed, "it's no big deal, it was years ago!"

"That doesn't make it right!" Bea shrieked, "so they didn't want to share a room with you because you fancy girls?!"

"...yes."

"Why not?!" Bea huffed, "did they think you were going to fancy them or something?! Because if that's the case then they need to stop thinking so highly of their twatty selves, they're lucky if they'd even get a troll to like them never mind the best girl to ever walk the halls in this castle!"

Violet smiled softly, soon fixing the dress she had finally found and pulling on Bea's arm in order to hug her, "I don't need dormmates that are going to think like that, Bea, I'm glad I'm on my own because our sleepovers are much better when it's just us."

"True," Bea mumbled, though she couldn't help but frown, "you're better off without them anyway. Maybe we should set you up with someone just to piss them off in the common room."

Violet laughed softly though it was very evidently forced, "no it's alright, Bea, I don't like anyone right now."

Bea nodded, though it was eating away at her. She needed to talk about it, she couldn't get it out of her head, she wanted Violet to know that she knew and that she was completely okay with it, she wanted Violet to have peace and not have to keep it from her, though she didn't know if that would hurt her more or help her.

"Not even," she choked on her words, her heart was pounding in her chest though she didn't know why, "not even me?"

Violet stopped, looking down at her best friend with a look that could only be read as shocked, she was very evidently shocked at the words that left Bea's mouth and for a second, a tiny, split second, she was filled with hope that Bea could feel the same way but she knew it was impossible.

"Bea-"

"Don't talk like that, Vi, I'm not mad or anything, of course, I'm not. You of all people should know how I feel about love," Bea whispered quietly.

"How...how long have you known?" Vi asked, she was still shocked and could barely form a proper sentence. Her hope had come crashing down around her, Bea didn't run to her, or kiss her, or hold her in her arms and whisper sweet nothings as she shouted from the rooftops that she was in love with Violet, she just looked...the same.

"Since I woke up in the hospital wing," Bea sighed. She reached for Violet's hand but the girl flinched, pulling her hand out of reach, and stepping away from Bea who was trying her best to look hurt.

"You could've told me, Bea," Violet said, her voice was emotionless, dark, slightly angry and the frantic heartbeat in Bea's chest started pounding again, "this...this is humiliating, Bea!"

"Violet, please!" Bea took a step forward but again, Violet took one back.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" she exclaimed, "you told me you didn't remember anything! You lied to me!"

"Why would I tell you?!" Bea shouted, "so you could act like this, break off from me and try and shelter yourself from me? Because I know how you really feel?! I don't see you any different because of something you can't control, Vi! I'm not prepared to lose you because you can't handle having feelings!"

"Why do you want to stay friends with me after knowing this? I confessed everything to you, Vi!" Violet's voice was barely audible, and when Bea stepped forward, Violet didn't move, "I told you everything, and I got it off my chest but you weren't supposed to hear that!"

"But you knew there was a chance that I could. And I did hear it, loud and clear, that you are in love with me-"

"Don't say it out loud, Bea!"

"Violet why are you so ashamed?!" Bea took a deep breath, gnawing at her bottom lip, "I hate the fact that I can't love you the same way you love me, Violet, but that does not mean I am willing to give up the love I do have for you. You are my best friend, Violet, you are the reason I am who I am and you have been here for me when no one else was at times and If you want to fight then I will fight because I am not losing you!"

"Bea, you have to stop talking."

"Why?" she choked out, she was getting frustrated and the girl couldn't hold in her emotions in a state like frustration. Tears lined her eyes nearing to spill but she couldn't let them just yet, "Vi I love you too much to let you push me away, I can't let you do that!"

"Bea-"

"Violet please!" Bea exclaimed, "don't push me away."

"I'm trying not to!" Violet snapped, running a hand through her hair.

"Vi-"

"I'm sorry, Bea," she whispered.

She took a step forward, and another until she had Bea's face in her hands and her lips on hers. It was only for a split second but she basked in it, and Bea pushed her off as soon as it happened, wide-eyed, lips parted, heart racing.

"I'm sorry, I'm so- I'm so sorry," Violet whispered.

"I-I love you, Vi," Bea whispered, squeezing the girls hand, "but I'm in love with James, I couldn't do that to him, I love him, I'm s-sorry."

She pushed past Violet quickly, wide-eyed, running down into the common room of the Gryffindor tower. She saw James sitting on the couch and he beamed at her as she arrived but he could see a tear roll down her cheek and when she didn't stop and ran past them out of the tower, he didn't know what to do.

"Vi, what...what just happened?!"

"I'm sorry James, I'm so sorry," she whispered, running out of the tower after Bea.

-

"Oh, hey there, my beautiful girlfriend who I've been looking for, for two hours!" James exclaimed, shuffling over to Bea sitting with her legs leaning against the cold window, "want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"I messed everything up," she whispered, watching him fall onto the empty space beside him, "you know I love you, right?"

"I know I love you," he smiled, reaching for her hand and intertwining their fingers, "is there a reason as to why Violet apologised to me?"

"Yes." Bea nodded, "James, there's something I need to tell you."

"Bea, you can tell me anything," James sighed. He pulled on her hand, lifting up his legs and sitting her in his lap. His finger traced over her cheek, slowly wiping away the tears that had spilt from her eyes.

"I don't want you to be mad at her because she's just...so confused and it's not her fault, and I still love her, she's my best friend but she's got a lot of feelings right now," she took a deep breath, "she kissed me, James."

"What?!" James exclaimed, wide-eyed, angry coursing through him until he saw the look on Bea's features, "you...didn't...kiss back, right?"

"No! no of course not!" Bea exclaimed, "James I pushed her away, I could never do that. I love Violet but she's just my best friend. I'm far too in love with you to ever hurt you like that!"

He smiled softly, leaning his forehead against hers whilst she cupped his face, kissing him softly, "when I was in the hospital wing, she was alone and she confessed to me that she was in love with me. She knew there was a possibility that I would hear but she didn't think it would actually happen.

She told me so much and when I woke up she asked me if I remembered anything and when I said no she looked so relieved but it's been eating me alive. She has kept this secret for so long, James! and do you know how hard it was to keep us being together from Remus? It must've been eating her alive but I just didn't know what to do.

I didn't know if by telling her I was helping or hurting her but I kept telling her how I didn't want to lose her, how I loved her and how she would always be my best friend. She tried to get me to stop, she told me she was sorry and then she just kissed me.

When she kissed me, I pushed her off of me, it was a split second and I just I told her how much I was in love with you and then I left, I ran away.

I don't want to lose her, James, I don't want her to feel this way about me because I can't feel the same way and it breaks my heart knowing this will cause her pain because I love her but I'm so in love with you and it hurts me knowing that I'm the reason she isn't happy!" her eyes closed when James wiped her tears, a sigh escaping his lips and although he was slightly pissed, he couldn't deny that he understood.

"She's your best friend, baby," James gripped her waist, pulling her closer and moving his head so that she could rest her own on his shoulder, "and I don't want you being unhappy because none of this is your fault, alright?"

"But I-"

"Bea, she may be in love with you but you didn't do anything for that to happen. You can't change just so that she can stop loving you, that's not how the world works, It's not bloody surprising that she's in love with you because you're the best bloody person on the planet but that's not your fault.

She can try and get over you or she doesn't but you don't love her and brutally enough, she's going to have to accept that. I know it sounds cruel but you are her best friend and I know Vi and I know that she values your friendship above all else and if she didn't then she would have already told you.

It's Vi, and Vi loves you and she knows how you feel and all you can do is talk to her. Maybe it would be good for her to actually talk about it with the person she is closest to and that person is you.

She was caught up in the moment, and I know she shouldn't have kissed you, she knew you loved me and how I loved you and if I didn't trust you then this could've gone a whole other way but I trust you with my life," he pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"If you didn't trust me and I didn't trust you then there wouldn't be any point in being in a relationship," she mumbled quietly, her hand curled around his t-shirt tightly, snuggling closer to him whilst he agreed with a nod, "all I can do is talk to her."

"Yes, but give her time," James said, "she may come to you first."

Bea nodded, a sigh tumbling from her lips as she looked out at the sky, "I should've just kept my mouth shut."

"You were doing what you thought was right, baby girl, no one should be angry at you for doing that," he pressed one last kiss to her cheek, tightening his grip around her, "I love you, and Vi does too, she's probably just overwhelmed.

"You're right," Bea whispered, "and I love you too, and I always will."