Chapter 16

"So, Phoebe," Sirius smirked as he sat with her leaning on his arm. She turned her head so that she could stare at him, her eyebrow raised and completely oblivious to James on the armchair who she hadn't even realised was there. He was trying to keep his jealousy at bay, seeing the way she was very clearly amused with Sirius as she leaned against him.

He hated that she had this effect on him but it wasn't exactly surprising, he knew what she did to him even when she was alone, she entered his mind at the oddest times and made herself at home whilst he had to go hours with her peeking through the corners of his mind, able to distract him with her smile or her laugh or her eyes that seemed so vibrant against his own.

"So formal, Mr Black," Bea laughed, soon closing over her book that she had her book mark perfectly in the spot she needed, and shifting herself so that he had his full attention, her legs sprawled over his own whilst he drummed his fingertips on her knee.

"What you doing over Christmas?" the boy asked with a laugh, "Miss Lupin."

"Oh! I'm staying here," she shrugged, "I would rather not go home to my dad being a complete annoyance, but it's cool, I like the castle actually, it's very homey at Christmas, especially with the feast and all, and the beds have extra blankets, oh and the house elves always make really good hot chocolate any time you want so it's not a bad thing to stay here!

Suppose I'd like some company but I'll read more books or something, I always tell Violet that I have to read more so maybe this could be the time to do it," she shrugged, forcing a smile for the boy who looked entirely wary about her happiness, "what about you? you going to the madhouse?"

"I'm going to a madhouse but not my own," he joked, nudging his head towards the armchair, "his house, to be exact."

"Wha-" Bea turned in her seat, her smile widening and her features visibly brightening when she saw the boy sitting on the arm chair, she tried to ignore the fact that he looked particularly pouty, "James!"

"Try to be more in love, I dare you," Sirius whispered as he nudged her, earning a smack on the arm when she turned to glare at him.

"Since when have you been here?" she exclaimed, "I didn't even notice you sitting there."

"Yes because you were too invested with Sirius," James mumbled quietly, completely unaware of the wide smirk that struck Bea's features as she purposely leaned further into Sirius whilst he made a move to wrap his arm around her.

"Mr Black?"

"Yes, Miss Lupin?"

"You know I'm thinking the weirdest thing."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"I have a sneaking suspicion that James over there, well...I think he's jealous!" Bea exclaimed, seeing James' eyes narrow to slits at the amused look on her features.

"Well I never!" Sirius exclaimed, a gasp tumbling from his lips whilst he purposely pulled her closer in any attempts to annoy James, "you know after much speculation about this preposterous accusation, I think you're right!"

"You two can piss off," James grumbled, rolling his eyes whilst Bea couldn't stop but burst out laughing.

"Bless him," she giggled, "he's cute when he's jealous, isn't he?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius nodded, scoffing as he spoke, "so cute."

"You know you're not funny in the slightest," James grumbled.

"And here I was thinking it was almost Remus' time of the month," Bea exclaimed, "turns out it's yours, James!"

Sirius couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips, it was entirely amusing for him to watch James get so worked up and for Bea to wind him up terribly. Bea couldn't deny that she wanted to make sure he knew that there was nothing to get jealous of, though.

She wished that it wasn't true that she was rather bitter towards the fact that Violet and Remus were dating and James was okay with waiting, because she wasn't okay with it in the slightest, she was rather mad about it, actually, but she didn't want to ruin her best friend's happiness.

She knew that everyone was just trying to protect her once they found out what had truly happened to her but she didn't need everyone to walk on egg shells around her, she was a big girl who knew what she was doing, and knew that she could protect herself.

It took her a while to figure that out, though.

Particularly, it took her seeing Remus and Violet finally together to realise that the only one truly jealous was her, and it was because of the fact that it seemed as though Remus was controlling her life.

She knew that Remus only wanted what was best for her, and she would rather not argue with her brother about approval when she didn't know why she wanted his so badly, it was her life and regardless of the fact that James is Remus' best friend, Violet is hers, and she didn't over react in the slightest when she found out that Violet liked Remus, or that Remus liked Violet, or that they were together.

"Alright Bea?" asked Sirius, nudging her ever so slightly, "you look awfully deep in thought."

"Hmm wha- oh, it's nothing," she waved him off, a frown evident on her lips, "just some stuff."

"Like what, Bumble?" James asked, "you sure you're alright?"

She nodded her head silently, forcing a smile onto her lips for him but James knew it to be fake, he knew she was forcing herself to smile for him.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked, suddenly standing whilst her eyebrows furrowed but that didn't stop her from standing, soon nodding her head.

"Mind telling me were you two are going so I know what to tell Moony?" Sirius smirked, "oh no your little sister isn't snogging James in a broom cupboard, I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I know you're lying but we might just do that just to make you uncomfortable when Remus actually does come looking," Bea huffed, sticking her tongue out at the boy and soon following James out of the common room.

"You looke-"

"You don't need to be jealous of Sirius, James," Bea spoke suddenly, accidently cutting him off after the terrible silence that had engulfed them as they walked. She didn't mean to cut him off, and now that she was curious about what he was going to say, she wished that she hadn't.

"Bea," James whispered but she shook her head, figuring she was already in the deep end, she should explain herself.

"I have friends who are boys, I have Sirius and Peter and Bertie and I love them all but I don't like them, and I never will, not if you're in the picture and you always will be," she mumbled, her eyes were elsewhere instead of the boy who was rather happy to hear those words come out of her mouth.

For the week since he and Remus made up, he couldn't deny that it was hell to see her and not be able to hold her. He knew that Remus was keeping a close eye on him with her, so being with her alone right now was like bliss, but the horrible feeling of not being able to have her always seemed to make an entrance.

"What were you thinking about back there, Bea?" asked James as they walked. She was guiding him in the direction of a specific place that they hadn't visited in a while, though it seemed like he hadn't yet noticed.

"You."

"Me?"

"Us," she laughed softly. "I love Remus more than anything, I do, but it just doesn't seem fair in the slightest. I've been thinking constantly about him and Violet together and I'm completely fine with it, if that's what makes them happy then I'm happy, but it just seems like Remus can't think the same for me.

I defended him, I said that he was protecting me, but now I realise that I don't need him to protect me. I know that my past will always be there and getting over it is something I don't think I'll be able to do for a while, but treating me like I'm some weak little four year old still isn't going to change the fact that I have grown up.

And yes, I know I'm still young, I'm very young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but so does Remus and he doesn't know any better than I do, so why am I letting him control my happiness?!" she finally stopped when her voice was rising louder and louder, a frown evidently on her lips.

And as they reached the classroom, James finally realised that she had been leading them here.

"Bea..." James trailed off when she opened the door, doing a quick check of the room to make sure it was empty before she pulled him inside, "Remus-"

"Has no regards for my happiness, he'd rather protect me than support me," she shook her head, "he has my best intentions at heart, and he is doing this out of love, and I know that, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let it happen whilst I sit back and silently watch him control my life."

"You're really-" he cut himself off, taking a deep breath, "I can't do this, Bea, I can't do this to Remus."

She pushed herself forward so that she was flush against him, leaning up to whisper in his ear, "what Remus doesn't know won't hurt him."

"What's with the change of heart?" he asked, gnawing at his bottom lip whilst she moved to stare at him.

"I really like you, James," she laughed softly, "and ever since the first time we entered this room, I haven't been able to ever get you out of my head, it just seems to be an impossible task.

I don't think of what happened all those years ago when I'm surrounded by happiness, it doesn't cross my mind. Whether I'm with Violet, or Bertie, or Sirius, or Remus, or Peter, I'm happy. But you manage to take it a step further, you let me see what my life could be like when I never think of it, when I can erase that part of me and I'm in a state of happiness that lasts for the longest time.

All I've ever wanted is to be happy, because for the most part of my childhood, Fenrir Greyback didn't allow that to happen. My dad didn't allow that to happen.

The only person that made me happy before Hogwarts was Remus, and he has strayed from his original intentions. He hasn't realised that by 'protecting' me, he's hurting me, and I didn't realise that either until I found myself thinking of you again and again and wondering why I'm not allowing myself the one thing giving me so much happiness."

"Bea," James whispered, his eyes wide. He couldn't deny that he had found himself thinking of her, and as much as he hated to betray Remus, he couldn't exactly disagree with her.

"I don't want you to choose between me and your best friend, James," she mumbled as she stepped closer to him, "but he is happy and he has Violet and if we choose to tell him about us then he'll have to get over it but we don't have to tell him. This can be our thing, and we can have each other and it'll be good and happy and something we both have."

He lifted up her chin, looking into her eyes to see if there was any uncertainty but he saw nothing of the sort, and slowly, very slowly did he lean down and did she push herself onto her tiptoes. Her hands rested on his chest whilst their lips finally met, moving together, working in sync to create a perfect melody that only they could hear.

His hand moved to cup her cheek but soon did it move to tangle in her hair, pulling her closer to him whilst she gripped his shirt tightly in her hands. She was basking in the feeling of him so close to her, basking in the feeling of his lips on hers. She longed for it, and the happiness she talked about clouded her mind now that she finally got it.

"We don't have to be official, James," she mumbled as his forehead rested against hers, "to ease your mind, or to just relax you-"

"No," he shook his head, "I want you, I want to be official, because if I get to call you mine then it'll ease my mind. I feel terrible knowing that Remus is so protective and we are doing this but that doesn't make me want you any less, and I understand more were you're coming from."

She smiled, "good, now less talk about my brother please. I would much rather kiss you again."

He couldn't help but laugh as he pulled her closer, his lips connecting with hers once more whilst her arm wrapped around his neck.