"This is all so fucked up now he's dead because I feel bad hating him, and surely it's fucked up not to hate him but to hate Mikey with all of my being, and I really do fucking hate Mikey so much - I mean, he cheated on me and he's an absolute arrogant stuck up asshole, but his boyfriend shot himself... maybe the one person he really cared about... shot himself... and you can't help but imagine what it must be like to live in his head right now."

Alicia spoke all too much about Mikey and Pete entirely, yet Bob didn't seem to mind at all - he cared far too much about Alicia to give a damn however she screwed things up or didn't, and really, Bob was even beginning to think that he was just a little in love with her, and there was nothing quite as fucked up as that.

But really, there was no one quite as fucked up as Bob Bryar, the world's worst drug dealer.

"He's going through a tough time right now, and so are his friends, that's for sure." Bob sighed out, his breath visible in the cold evening air of the park - the place was desolated and it was late and a girl like Alicia just shouldn't have been here at all, but she'd insisted and had just like that 'bullied' Bob into accompanying her.

Not that he minded at all, of course.

He just had to keep up appearances, because she could never know how he really felt about her, because it was messed up and he knew that she deserved so much better than some shitty ass drug dealer who lives in some asshole's bungalow for the most part. Not that he was to be blamed for that; his house was tiny and fucking cramped and Bert's hospitality could be easily exploited with the aid of pharmaceuticals and the like.

"I just don't know how to feel about him, because I sure as hell don't want to talk to him, but it makes me look like some sort of bitch if I don't and I fucking hate how I'm sort of obligated to care so much about what everybody thinks of me, fuck, I wish I was just some fucking nobody sometimes, you know?" And really, Bob hadn't a fucking clue as to what she meant by that.

"You really don't have to care. Stopping giving a shit was the best thing I've ever done, and really, it's not that hard, okay, maybe I had some sort of help in the form of drug abuse, but-" She didn't quite let him finish, determined to prove a point here.

"But in high school it's fucking different because you're with these people everyday and what people think of you kind of dictates how you live your life and how you feel."

"I can see that it's certainly fucking with how you feel." Bob sighed out, sitting down beside Alicia on the bench that she'd stopped at. "Look, do you, personally, want to talk to Mikey about this?"

"I'm scared that he'll try and get back with me after this, like I'm option number two to him, now that Pete's gone, it's my fucking turn. He's such a fucking man whore - I fucking hate him, but I can't help but care, even if it's just a little." She brought her knees up to her chest before sitting cross-legged upon the bench, watching as Bob lit himself a cigarette.

"You can just text him or whatever - you don't have to talk to him in person, and then you can just delete the response if you really don't want to look." And Bob reckoned that that was the only genuinely useful piece of advice he'd given anyone, ever. Alicia was special, to say the least, and still to say far too much entirely, in Bob's eyes.

"Like I didn't delete his number." She scoffed, sighing out and watching as Bob began to smoke: the exhaled nicotine just as visible as his breath.

"Everyone has Mikey fucking Way's number- well, not me, personally, but Gee does, and I could quite literally get it for you in under a minute." Bob even retrieved his cellphone from his pocket at this, and Alicia sighed aloud, leaning closer to Bob.

"Yeah, you're right - I'm being stupid about this... just putting it off and shit. I just need to tell him that we can't date again but that maybe I don't hate him quite as much as I think I do, and that I'm sorry about Pete, and that it's not his fault-"

Before she'd even finished, Bob handed his phone to her. "Text him from here if you like."

"Yeah." She pulled on smile - forced, but a smile nonetheless and began to type out a message onto Bob's phone.

And Bob didn't look, because maybe it was better if he wasn't curious, and if his head was anywhere near that close to a seventeen year old girl's cleavage. Yeah, definitely better if he just sat here and smoked whilst he waited and tried to think about Pete in a mournful manner and not just as the guy that Alicia's ex-boyfriend cheated on her with.

"I've done." She announced, handing the phone back to Bob, who forced his lips into a small smile as he pocketed it again. "Don't tell me when he replies and don't tell me what he says - just delete it, okay? I don't want to know... I don't want to get fucked up and involved in him again."

"Okay." And then, further silence as Bob tried to argue himself out of reading the response and the original message when he received it.

"He used to watch me at netball practice, you know?" She blushed a little as she said it, knowing that Mikey was spending his time there in the hopes of catching nothing but a glance up her skirt.

"That sounds kind of creepy, actually." Bob admitted, and tried to ignore the word that his head was screaming at him in response: 'irony'.

"Well, it was - he was just there to look up the stupidly short skirts, and sometimes Pete was there too - not for me, Pete's gay, but he talked to Mikey a lot. That was when they hated each other's guts- well, they didn't exactly stop, they just sort of started loving each other too - I mean that's so fucked up, but-"

"You still like him, don't you?" Bob sighed out, hating to admit the truth. "You've just hated him enough to suppress it recently, but now, you're letting it killing you."

And at that, Alicia could only look up at him and nod.

-

Needless to say, Bert was not entirely happy with the presence of six teenagers in his house, and the six teenagers were not exactly happy with the presence of a pissed off, kind of stoned twenty something year old that seemed to hate everyone and everything.

And really, just about everyone was happy once he had decided that he caused enough of a scene and stormed out, leaving the six teenagers sat awkwardly in the living room, all avoiding looking at certain people, and Frank's crossdressing boyfriend sat somewhere in his bedroom trying to convince Bob not to come back here for the next few hours at the very least.

Eventually, however with promises of free booze, Bert gave in, and Gee gave himself one final look in the mirror before finally going down to meet these people that he'd heard all too much about, because really, these were Frank's friends, and what they thought of him kind of mattered far more than it should have done.

And really, he couldn't help but notice the stares as he sat down on one sofa between Frank and Mikey: Ryan, Patrick, and Ray had taken the one opposite them, and Brendon found himself awkwardly sat alone on an armchair that he'd pulled over.

"So, yeah... I'm Gee, Mikey's brother, Frank's boyfriend, this is my house... I... I guess that there are some things that we need to sort out... okay?" Gee had to admit that he was fucking terrible at this.

"What I'm struggling to comprehend is how on earth a dude in a miniskirt and Mikey Way are related." Brendon, of course, felt it necessary to add his sarcastic little comments, and thankfully, Gee found himself smiling a little in response.

"Brendon, we're not fucking here to discuss his fashion sense, but to talk about Pete and all the shit you started-" Ryan was far too eager to pounce on his boyfriend, and not in the way that just about everyone would have preferred.

"Look... guys..." Frank interrupted, sighing out, the room falling to silence that was only broken by the occasional sob from either Mikey or Patrick: both of whom had remained silent throughout this whole 'meeting', and really, it was ridiculous to call it that. "Gee," He turned to address his boyfriend and began to gesture as he pointed people's names out. "That's Ryan, Patrick, Ray, and Brendon."

"Can we just stop feuding long enough to stay calm throughout his funeral and then whatever... Ryan and Brendon you can just ignore each other and-"

"Ray, I'm sorry, but that's not the fucking point. Things should go back to how they used to be." Frank interrupted, not wanting to lose just about the only close friend he had right now, but some things just needed to be said.

"Yeah, Frank, that's not going to fucking happen unless Pete gets magically fucking resurrected, okay?" And Gee really couldn't but feel like he should have said something when Ray yelled at his boyfriend like that, but Frank didn't seem all that fussed so he forced himself to just leave it.

"Ryan will you ever fucking stop acting like Patrick is your fucking son or something? Like, lay off, next thing we know, you'll be taking him into the city to see a fucking marching band." This was dubbed Brendon's sarcastic comment of the 'meeting' number two, and of the day, probably somewhere in the seven hundreds, and overall, probably the best one he'd ever made.

"I just care about him - you know, like you don't care about anyone at all-"

"Wait... hold up a fucking minute..." Gee stopped the two of them, and everyone, even Patrick looked up at him with a glare. "What even is the deal between you two like aren't you supposed to be fucking head over heels married couple esque?"

"What? I talk to him, okay?" Frank blushed a little, burying his head in his boyfriend's side to avoid further embarrassment, but of course only fucking things up further.

"He's being an insensitive asshole about Patrick-" Brendon didn't let Ryan finish, getting up and making eye contact with his no longer boyfriend.

"I'm fucking jealous because I fucking love you and you're acting like you fucking love him." Brendon sighed out and the silence hung for far too long entirely.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know? Come here." Ryan gestured to the space next to him, but Brendon ended up sitting on his lap instead, and as Ryan seemed not to mind, Frank began to reckon that maybe they would be fine in the end.

"I'm so confused." Gee leaned over, whispering in Frank's ear and it seemed that Mikey'd heard to, cracking a smile, and then sitting up a little at that.

"Look..." Mikey sighed out, biting his lip, and glancing at his brother far too much as he began to speak. "We need to hold it together for him, okay, because I love him, and although Patrick loves him too... that doesn't fucking matter, because we're friends here... and- and... in his note, he said... he said that he loved us both, and I'm so sorry that he's gone and this is fucking fucked, but I can't hate you, Patrick, if he couldn't."

Patrick forced himself into a small smile, pushing his glasses up his nose and speaking for the first time. "Maybe you're alright, you know, Mikey."

"Maybe I am." Mikey shrugged, and then, everyone was okay, and everything was going to be okay, or at least thing were good enough for it to be something that you could convincingly lie to yourself about... well, everyone, except Ray: who still looked at Mikey far too often and far too long and really, Frank seemed to be the only one whoever noticed.

"Geeeee!" The twenty five year old's eyes widened dramatically as he stood up to see none other than Bob fucking Bryar stood in the doorway, despite what he'd specifically asked, and then the door slamming behind them, as Alicia joined him, her eyes practically falling from her sockets as they made contact with Mikey's, and with what she'd sent him earlier, this was fucking fucked.

"Alicia-" The word fell from Mikey's lips like a fucking ton of bricks, but there was no chance in hell that she was going to keep quiet long enough for him to actually say something.

"Bob, don't you think that maybe he said we shouldn't coming over for a fucking good reason?" She snapped out, turning to Bob, who was staring between Mikey and Gee like some sort of deer caught in the headlights.

"Oh, I just thought that he was having kinky sex with Frank or something-" Bob shrugged it off, and really, just about everyone was wondering exactly Bob was on right now, though Gee had mostly decided that perhaps he really didn't want to know.

"For fuck's sake, Bob. We're leaving, okay?" Alicia sighed out, deliberately avoiding Mikey's gaze as she grabbed Bob's arm, but it appeared that Mikey was far too stubborn to be having any of that.

"Is he your new boyfriend, then?" And really, he wasn't sure that he intended it to be so, but Mikey's words just couldn't be ridden of that sarcastic edge.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Mikey, your boyfriend's just shot himself and you're asking if I'm single? And to say that you fucking wonder why he did it-" And it was only as she'd already said it that she came to realise just how far she'd gone, and really, this was too far on a whole new level entirely.

"Alicia, don't..." Bob sighed out, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the door. "Look, we're just going to go-"

"How about you just fuck off, bob?" She yelled, pulling away from him and storming back into the living room, meeting Mikey's gaze in the utter silence: consequential of her presence. "I didn't mean what I said to you - you don't deserve an apology."

"Since when did you fucking apologise?" Brendon snorted, being the first to speak up and doing so with an unexpected but essentially characteristic arrogant tone. "His boyfriend's dead, and all you can do is bitch at him because he casually asked if you were dating that guy- whatever his name is-"

"Bob." Alicia finished for him, exhaling loudly. "His name's Bob."

"He looks like a fucking asshole to me - no offense, but I wouldn't date him." Brendon continued to go just too far, Mikey have retreated back into the sofa, pulling his knees up to his chest and regretting ever saying anything in the first place, because they thought ever thing was fixed and fine, but right now they were a sheet of fucking glass - easily smashed, painful to pick up the pieces, and fucking difficult to tape back together. And of course, taped together glass shards are nothing like a pure, untouched sheet of glass.

"Brendon, just lay off - Bob's a nice guy." Frank spoke up at that, pulling out of Gee's grasp to stand up and catch Bob's gaze from where he stood rather awkwardly near the door. Arrogance in full swing, Brendon only snorted in response. "Bob's my friend. And it doesn't matter who Alicia is or isn't dating, okay? Just let them go."

"Will you ever stop acting like you're fucking in charge here? You think everybody fucking likes you don't you, Iero? Just because-" Gee was not letting Brendon finish this time.

"Do you fucking want me to kick you out of my house?" He stood up beside Frank, who had to pull his twenty five year old, miniskirt clad, asshole of a boyfriend back down onto the sofa as Brendon exhaled, exchanging an indecipherable glance with Ryan, before dripping it.

"We were supposed to fix things." Patrick exhaled once Bob and Alicia had left; his voice quiet, timid, and barely there, but still so damn important.

"We have - Frank, Brendon, apologise to each other, and then we're all okay." Ray forced a smile upon his lips, and honestly, Frank just wanted things to be as simple as that, and for that, and for Pete, and for every time he hated Pete, and for every time he failed to understand what on earth was going on inside Pete Wentz's severely fucked up head, he said sorry.

"I'm sorry, Brendon."

"I'm sorry too." Brendon added, with perhaps just a little nudge from Ryan.

"We'll be okay, then? We... we just need to keep it together for his funeral, okay? His dad's not going to want us there, and even less if we're just fighting with each other about nothing." Mikey sighed out, grabbing his cellphone and beginning to read off the screen. "Saturday - ten in the morning."

"How do you-"

"Dad's a funeral planner." Gee sighed out, and really, it felt kind of alien to refer to his own father as just that, and if that wasn't fucked up, then he didn't know what was.

"The fact that you two are related still fucks with my head." Brendon sighed out, pulling out his cellphone and replying to a text from mum: something menial about when he was coming home and what he wanted for dinner.

"Well, technically, we're not as I have been disowned- what? Seven-" Gee began, furrowing his brows, and exchanging a look with his brother.

"Eight." Mikey corrected him, chuckling a little. "It was eight, because there was that time when you were sixteen and you dyed your hair like fucking bright red, and dad did not like that."

"No." Gee grinned, shaking his head. "He did not like that. Yeah, I've been disowned eight times."

"That sounds like you're keeping track." Ryan added, grinning a little.

"Well, it's impressive." Frank smirked and Gee gave him a gentle shove, rolling his eyes at his boyfriend.

"Yeah, Frankie, you and those seven stepdads of yours-"

"No, it's eight. Eight now, anyway-"

"She's got another one?" Gee exclaimed, eyes practically bulging out their sockets.

"I know."

"I have to meet him."

"Yeah." Frank grinned, a little, wondering just how well that would go down.

-

Patrick couldn't help but feel alien, out of place, and at times, not even real, without Pete. And that was nothing more than fucked up to a whole new degree, but Patrick had come to accept that there was very little he could do when it came to controlling his emotions.

If he could have just stopped loving Pete, then he would have never felt anything and he never would have told him, and then, Pete never would have killed himself.

And Patrick was telling himself that it wasn't his fault at least a hundred times a day now, but still he didn't quite believe it, and with every time, it only seemed far more idiotic and unbelievable - he couldn't keep lying to himself like this and he just had to accept it and deal with the consequences.

Pete had been happy with Mikey and really, Patrick hated to admit it, but Mikey Way made Pete smile more than he ever had before, and all he'd done by loving Pete was utterly fuck up the best thing Pete had ever had, and in turn, not only destroy Pete's life, but Mikey's, Ryan's, Brendon's, Frank's, and Ray's too.

It was Patrick's fault, but his knowledge of that was just something that he had to keep to himself, otherwise people would try and mess with his head and argue him out of it, and he'd lose the one chance he'd ever had at seeing straight, because it was all too clear now, he needed to stop, he needed to stop having feelings and he needed to stop messing with people's feelings, and he needed to stop the words that did so.

And it was just that which brought Patrick Stump to the churchyard without a single word having passed his lips, for almost a day now, and for the first time he felt like his sorry was worth something, because a sorry muttered amongst many other meaningless phrases meant nothing at all, but one surrounded in dedicated silence, one never spoken at all, but thought of with all being, just meant everything.

Patrick had been the first of his friends to arrive, and he was almost a little uncomfortable to see Ryan and Brendon making their way down the road: talking - animated gestures and smiles and all too much of it, and it was like they weren't even thinking of Pete at all. Sure, Brendon and Ryan were okay again, and that seemed to be important, but to Patrick it was nowhere near as important as Pete.

To Patrick, nothing was anywhere near as important as Pete, not even speaking, and that was the way things would stay.

"Patrick, hey." Ryan greeted him with a small smile and a nod; the two having changed into a far more reserved demeanour as they'd noticed the sombre look upon Patrick's face, but Patrick could tell, and Patrick hated knowing when people were lying, especially now.

He only nodded in response, forcing a small smile and keeping his silence; nothing was thought of it as Brendon seemed to burst into conversation almost seconds later, and Patrick found himself to be no longer listening at that point, only watching as Ray, Frank, Mikey, and Gee made their way down the road, Gee walking with his arm around his brother who looked awfully close to tears.

And for the first time, Patrick found himself respecting Mikey Way, because at least he seemed to care about Pete at all, and really, Patrick did try not think too much about the fact that he was the one who'd put those tears upon Mikey's face, but he couldn't stop himself, because in Patrick's head, thoughts never truly went away: they grew and shrink at times, of course growing at incredibly fast rates and shrinking almost never, but nothing ever went away.

"Hey Patrick, are you okay?" Ray was the only one of the four that had paid attention to Patrick rather than involving their heads in Brendon's extravagant and highly animated story that had absolutely nothing to do with Pete. Patrick hated that even Mikey seemed to be smiling a little as he watched the theatrical expressions upon Brendon's face - he at the very least, should care. Someone other than him should fucking care, even if just in the slightest.

"I wish Brendon would shut up too." Ray sighed out, following Patrick's gaze and filling the silence: a gesture that Patrick was eternally thankful for. "I mean, this is Pete's funeral... we should be mourning." Patrick found himself nodding rather enthusiastically in agreement - far too enthusiastically. "I'm just scared that Pete's dad is going to kick us out or something, I mean, he and Mikey don't appear to get along very well."

Patrick shrugged, knowing Pete's dad the most out of the group, and knowing that although sometimes irrational, he was a good person, and at the very least, he liked Patrick, and on grounds such as that, maybe they would be alright.

"It's time to go in." Ryan turned away from his boyfriend to address Patrick and Ray, the former, due to his newfound silence, only nodding in agreement as he followed Ryan, whereas Ray found himself engaging in a conversation with Mikey, and soon forgetting about Patrick, and even more so about Pete, just like the others.

"You okay, Patrick?" Ryan asked, looking genuinely concerned as they made their into the church sitting down as a group on a pew nearest the back: not intending to draw too much attention to themselves amongst the crowd of relatively wealthy looking distant and generally elderly family and family friends that were spread across the church.

Patrick nodded in response, pulling on a slightly wider smile, hoping Ryan would just leave him be for this, because he wanted to focus on Pete and that apology of his without people and without words and without things that he could fuck up, because an apology was worth nothing if you did it all over again.

"Okay, but if you get... well 'not okay', promise you will tell me. I know that you're going to be sad - it's a funeral, his funeral, but this is a tribute to him and this is acceptance... from now on, afterwards, we're going to stop crying and we're going to be okay."

And really, Ryan couldn't help but sound more like he was trying to convince himself, rather than reassure Patrick.

-

Patrick found himself slipping away as soon as the actual funeral part of the funeral had finished, as he cared very little for free alcohol and assorted cakes, unlike his friends, it seemed, and Brendon appeared pretty insistent upon staying for the free alcohol and Patrick was starting to wonder if that was really the only reason he'd come in the first place.

And then Patrick found himself fucking crying again, and soon after, running, and soon enough lost, and instantly nowhere, and always nothing.

He missed Pete, but he didn't just miss him - he needed Pete and he knew nothing more than he knew that and Patrick knew everything.

In fact, he often found that he knew too much.

And all Patrick knew right now was that he needed to get away, and that was exactly what landed him breathing heavily and rather close to dying in the middle of the woods. 

He sat down against a tree stump and his world stopped spinning for just a few seconds and as his brain caught up with his legs, he struggled to quite understand how he'd ended up at the other end of town and even just why he'd left.

And it was ridiculous when he came to realise that he'd sprinted across town for the way Brendon Urie had looked at a bottle of red wine, and he hated that Brendon's fucking suppressed alcoholic tendencies were the reason and that it was in fact nothing do with Pete at all.

This should have been for Pete and Patrick fucking knew that, but he also knew that aimless, madness fuelled running was never going to get him anywhere.

"You look like you've just run a whole marathon... dude what the hell?" Patrick found himself jumping a little as a boy who appeared to be about his age appeared from what seemed to be nowhere. "Sorry... I didn't mean to scare you."

The boy sat down at the stump of a tree opposite him, brushing his brown, curly hair out his face as he met Patrick's gaze. "I'm Joe." He pulled a smile, that Patrick wordlessly reciprocated, and he couldn't help but feel bad because Joe was waiting for him to speak with a lack of an explanation as to why he wouldn't, but he had to keep his promise for Pete.

"You don't talk much do you?" Joe eventually found it necessary to fill the silence and Patrick nodded, almost exaggeratedly in response. "You don't talk at all?" He continued, eyes widening and Patrick nodded in a similar fashion. "Oh, so you're a mute?" Patrick shook his head. "It's a choice?" Patrick nodded.

And Patrick liked Joe from the get go; he didn't seem to care that Patrick didn't want to speak, and he even seemed to understand, well as much as he could, and Patrick liked talking, well with gestures on his part, to someone who wasn't fucked over in this whole mess with Pete, even if it was just for a few minutes.

"I was going to ask you for your name but that's hardly a yes or no question." Joe sighed out and Patrick grabbed his phone from his pocket - he wasn't going to spell it out because that, that didn't feel right, that felt like cheating, and for Pete, he fucking wanted to do this right.

Joe watched as Patrick scrolled through his contacts and found the one automatically created for his own phone with his number in and held it up for Joe to see. "Patrick?" He nodded in confirmation, and Joe smiled. "Nice to meet you, Patrick." Patrick smiled as if to say 'you too', and to his greatest surprise, Joe seemed to understand.

"I was also going to ask you what you were doing out here and why you looked so exhausted but..." Joe shrugged, before bursting back into another train of thought. "I'm here to get away from my parents and stuff."

Patrick looked through his texts and held up the one from Ryan with the details of Pete's funeral, and needless to say, Joe was not expecting that. 

"Oh my... I'm so sorry." He exclaimed, wanting to hug his newfound 'friend', but from his lack of confidence in even speaking, he doubted that Patrick would be okay with a random hug from some guy he'd just met. "Pete was your friend?" Patrick nodded in confirmation. "Were you close?" Patrick nodded more than ever before. "Bestfriend?" And again.

"I'm guessing that it's insensitive to ask what happened to him..." Joe trailed off as Patrick brought his hand up to his head, closed his eyes, bit his lip and formed the shape of a gun with his hand, pressing it against his head and then rapidly pulling it away as if to signifying the pulling of the trigger. "He... h-he... killed himself- oh my... I'm so sorry... that's horrible... w-why... would he do that?"

Patrick opened his eyes again, meeting Joe's and leaving the two in silence for a moment; Joe waited patiently, knowing that this was a sensitive topic and that Patrick would respond in his own time.

And then, slowly, but surely, Patrick gestured towards himself with one finger, and Joe only quite seemed to catch on as he was prodding himself in the chest with his index finger.

"You?"

Patrick nodded his head.

-

Hey guys:) I'm so over-excited about this fic right now I just don't know what to do with myself like I have so many ideas I just I really fucking love this fic like okay I'm sorry I'll shut up now whatever:') Anyways, if you enjoyed comments and votes are as always appreciated:) I love you all<3