Blank slate.

Yui likes being first. First to skate, first on the podium, first on the ranking charts in school. And first onstage. 

But: "Ms. Akaashi? Would you like to walk with us?" 

Yui doesn't know the name of the girl in front of her. But she knows that the chance to truly connect won't come again. Call her a coward, but everything Yui has always came to her on its own. Years of rejecting interaction with the members of her orchestra have taken its toll, she realizes. They hesitate to talk with her now that the awe is gone. 

One day you'll realize you're burning. 

Yui smiles, hesitantly and gets up. The girl seemingly slumps in disappointment.

"Sure," Yui says.

"I'll just g—" The brunette's head snaps towards her. "What?"

Yui blinks then smiles again. "I said yes. Yes, I will walk with you." 

Distantly, she can hear kaa-chan's proud laughter and her shrill of 'oh my daughter's all grown up now'. Picture tou-san's chuckle and the crinkle of newspaper, long legs crossed and tucked beneath the kitchen wood made of cherry wood. There is the scent of coconut in the air from her and her mother's shampoo with a whiff Chanel Nº19 Poudré Tsumori Akaashi adored alongside the freshly ground coffee beans that were the pride of Eugene Akaashi. 

"R-really?" The girl lights up and hushed whispers are murmured. A few others rise and ask the same thing, Yui is more than happy to comply although her stomach twists into knots as she thinks of going on stage with them. Yui isn't sure when the narcissism started, but she knows how to hide it well enough so that she had a better approval rating than bitches who could work better off the ice than on it. But it's hard to agree that her way had been wrong. Only now does Yui realize that all of the facades she put up — mean, bitchy, cynical, narcissistic, prodigy, genius had always been a way to make sure she fit in, to make sure she never lost that spotlight. 

For all the memories she has with her parents, Tsumori and Eugene weren't the best of parents. It wasn't that they were bad people. But being disillusioned and disconnected geniuses, they... Didn't know the proper way to love. They simply didn't care as much as the parents of her elementary and middle school classmates did, the ones who had envied Yui when she bragged about how she got to stay up until four AM, eat a carton of ice cream for dinner and get whatever she wanted. The only reason she stopped eating junk food for every meal was that of her need to win, not that her parents finally realized the importance of eating healthy meals. Yui knows that they did but also knows that they neglected to teach her. 

That was why she had clung so hard to Viktor. They had become so... Just so used to each other that they hesitated to adapt to anything else. They were so attached to another because of their similarities that they simply couldn't exist on their own. It wasn't that Yui was the sun to Viktor's moon. No, they were the tyrannical night skies who sought the same stars, darkness of the exact same shade. Darkness was free to roam in darkness, but what was the darkness without the sun and the stars? Yui took the stars when she left — she left at the height of her power, in blinding camera flashes and weeks of reruns on sports channels. Viktor is the sun, still alight, but burning amidst the candlelights that become dimmer and dimmer as the time went. 

Without each other, things simply... Weren't right. 

And Viktor had loved her— In his own way. At some point, some time. And that was why— The press's questions, the nosy reporters: "Will you be getting back together?" "Why haven't you pursued someone else?" "What made Yui Akaashi so special?" "What did you like about Viktor Nikiforov?"

They had always assumed that they loved each other for their differences. One was a faerie who guided the other into a wonderland of delight — sometimes the faerie was Viktor; angelic and stunning, donning wings of pale feathers wreathed in golden light. Other times it was Yui; sensual and beautiful, the world at her whims. Adored by the night and its stars. Daughter of the night. Prince of the skies.

No, Yui loved Viktor because he was her. 

* * *

Yui hums absently as she pulls another bobby pin in her hair. Beside her, Naomi Norris, as she learned, twitters nervously on the edge of her seat. Petrushka, another irony, Yui muses. The tale of three jealous puppets. Beautiful, talented Ballerina. Handsome, divan Moor. Sincere, unfortunate Petrushka.

Her vision blurs, hand sweaty, heart pounding. Her stomach twists and turns. 

Stage fright.

Yui Akaashi isn't the ballerina. Off the stage, she, after all, is only human.

An arm wounds her shoulders, Keiliy grins a confident, trusting grin and Yui tries, the barest simper of a smile. Keiliy lets Yui hold her hand when they go on stage.

* * *

"Yui-chan?"

Silk scarf, wool jacket hanging off her slim frame, a long black dress pooling at her ankles. Her dark hair, now tinted with grey curling neatly at her shoulders, pearl earrings shining brightly in the light. Tsumori Akaashi looks at her with something akin to heartbreak on her face as she hesitantly reaches for her daughter and Yui sees the sheen of crinkled paper in her other hand. The ticket to the Petrushka. 

Kaa-chan. 

Her parents loved her in the best way they could. 

One day, you'll realize that you're burning. 

"Tsumori." A firm voice. Yui turns and comes face to face with her father— No, no. The man in front of her is a stranger. His face is cold and harsh and he doesn't look at Yui in any way when he speaks to her mother. His back is facing her as he puts himself between Yui and her mother. The hot rage in his father's voice as he roared. The glassy tint of tears in her mother's lovely, honey brown eyes as they dulled. The pain and the red print Eugene Akaashi's hand left on her cheeks. 

And then you'll realize that you're cold, cold, cold and that there's no one around you. 

Tsumori gives her one last look over her shoulders as they began to leave. 

They've all either walked away, turned their backs—

Her father's hand is shaking.

Or been driven away by you. By your naivety, misplaced passion and anger. 

Her breath leaves her and imprints in the air like a fading mist. Chasing after her parents. Then the cold wind blows, making the white mist dip. Reaching for that envelope of the same white in her pocket. "Thank you," she says, voice cracking. Tsumori stops. Eugene drags her on, but she digs her toes into the ground firmly and turns toward Yui, eyes shining with something so hopeful that Yui—

"Thank you," Yui repeats as she steps forward. Eugene turns halfway. "Thank you for coming."

Another step, Yui is in front of her parents. The trapped doves, the misunderstood geniuses. Her parents. He turns and her father faces her. Grey eyes she's inherited stare at her from behind silver wire frames. Her hand sinks into her pocket and pulls out the envelope. Yui looks at them, immortalizing them into her memories. She extends the envelope to Tsumori. Hesitantly, Tsumori takes it in wrinkled, elegant hands. 

Yui smiles wryly. I hope this gives you closure, she says. Because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

She takes another step forward and feels like a newborn fawn on a snowy night. Breaths become harder to take in. Her vision blurs and the heart in her chest wails as she takes more steps forward. 

Yui will be brave. 

* * *

Is there light at the end of this tunnel? 

Education, upbringing,
employment, relationships...

There is an endless amount of situations
which can make a person feel helpless. 

People living in despair are like someone lost in a dark tunnel 
— never truly lost, yet still forever unable to reach the light.

They see the exit at the end as the only means of escape.
When a person believes suicide to be the only means of escape,
they attempt to regain control with self-harm and suicide.

But in spite of  what they think,

the path they are on is not a tunnel.   

* * *

this is dedicated to alex_super oh my god 

i want to say thank you so so much for sticking with me so long. bless you, happy easter!

quote is from doctor frost.

this chapter was sad too dammit. 

(there will be a happy ending???? idk honestly)

Sophie xx