NASRIN

I watched the way he acted utterly confused at my response and it was as if it clicked in his brain that I was being sarcastic before he chuckled lightly and nodded his head and I rolled my eyes. Anger, pain and hatred were filling my heart at the sight of him smiling at me, as though they weren't the ones that crushed even an iota of happiness left in my heart. And he didn't even recognize me.

"I'm being serious right now..." He let go of his words and palmed his face, I could make out the way his heart was pounding through his shirt. "Is she really your daughter?"

I nodded my head and stared at the innocent eyes of Muniba, her love filling every nook and cranny of my soul. "She's mine. Her name is Muniba. What more do you want to know?"

It took him a while before he placed his thoughts into words and he thought of what he would want to know from me. "What's your name?" He asked, and I scoffed.

"I thought you were here to apologize on behalf of your friend? What does that have to do with my name? Or the apology only counts when you know my name?" I rolled my eyes at him, flashing him the coldest look I've ever mustered in my life.

"I'm sorry," he said with a cool smile and went still when the nurse walked in with Muniba's new found feeder.

"Thank you," I said as I collected it from her and positioned Muniba to feed her. She suckled the milk as she stared into my eyes. And that was my favorite thing about being a mother. I loved how she stared into my eyes as she ate, as though she was sending her profound gratitude to me for knowing she was hungry and feeding her.

He cleared his throat and that took my attention back to him. "If you don't need anything from me, I'd like you to leave, please." I tried my best to smile at him, but I'm hurt beyond words. I knew he wasn't the one that have hurt me, hell, I'm certain the friend he was here to apologize on behalf of wasn't even the man I'm thinking about but I can't help but hate him, too.

His expression softened and I wondered how he wasn't angry at how I've been treating him so far. "I'm sorry if something I did make you angry. I'm just curious as how you could be a mother. You look young...probably..."

"What you should've said is, you're just curious as how a man could impregnate a girl like me. I'm sure you know I didn't make myself pregnant, someone has to do it, right?"

He got to his feet and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry. I'd come back tomorrow when you're less edgy." I focused my attention back to Muniba and ignored him until I was sure he was out of the room and I sighed.

The tears I've been holding back came rushing to me, I didn't even try to stop them. I broke into tears because it hurt so much and despite taking so long, it still hurt like hell and I'm sure it'd take forever to hurt me. I shook my head in an attempt to make these memories go away but they were rushing, painfully that I had to stifle back my scream of agony.

While crying and trying to cradle Muniba to my chest, I noticed she had been full and was back to sleep. I wiped at my tears and smiled at her, she was the only reason I kept going on even when I knew I shouldn't have. And right now, I'd have to do all it took to make sure she didn't continue to live the life I've been forced to live.

The nurse walked in with a nylon in her hand and I didn't even try to hide my tears from her. She took the chair he had left and pushed it closer to me. "Nasrin?" She called out, and I wiped at the tone tear that rolled down to my cheeks.

I lifted my eyes to meet her gaze and smiled at her. "Yes? What's your name please? I don't like referring to you as nurse." I said and she smiled.

Once, I wouldn't leave this hospital without making a friend out of her. But now, my entire soul had been crushed that I feel whatever conversation we're going to have was going to be forced out of me. Once, I had been so jovial and bubbly that nothing and no one could douse my shine. I made friends easily, I loved everyone and was loved by whole.

Even though, I was taught painfully that not everyone that showed me they loved me truly did. That was a painful reality I've had to deal with. And just like that, the ability to love, laugh and live was forcibly snatched away from me. And I was left, as though a carcass, breathing with no zeal to live until Muniba magically brought back that zeal of living in me.

But right now, I was no longer the Nasrin I was a year ago.

"My name is Anisa," her voice brought me out of my reverie and I didn't know I was crying until she flashed me a look that was so soft it nearly made me break into more tears. But I had stopped crying in front of other people, because no one actually cared. And I'm sure that she too, wouldn't care.

"Oh," I said and cleared my tears, forcing a smile on my lips. But I'm sure whoever had eyes on his face would be able to tell that my smile was fake, but I didn't care. I was ripped off of my real smile, that lively, bubbly and happy smile that once lit a dull room.

"Do you want me to watch her for you so you can take a shower? He has brought you a dress, I'm sure it'd feel good to change into something..." She let her words trailed off and that was when I noticed how tattered the gown on my body was, stained with so much blood and soil.

I stared at her and then at Muniba that silently slept in my arms. "Can I trust you?" I asked, but I knew it was one of the most foolish things to ask.

Because I knew what her answer would be; yes, you can trust me. But that didn't mean she would do what was expected of her as someone trustworthy. I had been stabbed in the back before, and it wasn't funny. If I had staked out my life that time, I wasn't strong enough to do so with Muniba's life.

She removed her I.D card from her chest, noticing how skeptically I was staring at her. "You can go into the shower with my I.D card, in case something happens, turn it to the authority and I assure you they'd find me for you." She smiled warmly and I collected it from her while she collected Muniba from my hands.

I walked into the bathroom with tentative steps. I knew I needed a shower but I wasn't willing to trust Anisa even though she had given me her I.D card. The old me wouldn't have been wary of leaving Muniba with a stranger, I'd feel that just like the way I had trusted her in my heart, she felt the same way towards me and had no intention of hurting me. But I knew better now.

I took my bathe briskly and changed into the soft gown she had given me. Whatever his name was, he was thoughtful enough to think that I needed a bathe and a change of clothe. And the shower I took did wonders to the soreness of my body. When I walked out, she had brought out the meal he had brought and pointed at the carpet she had laid them on for me.

I sat down silently, stealing glances at Muniba that was sleeping peacefully in her arms. "Don't you have work to do? I can take care of her now."

She smiled at me warmly, "No, my shift has ended almost an hour ago. I wanted to help you take a shower, that's all."

My eyes felt stingy at her words. Who was this lady? "You overstayed for an hour just so I could shower?" I couldn't believe what I've heard. I knew long ago that the only good people on this earth were either killed or died naturally. And it was a wonder seeing one seated across from me.

Or maybe, she too, wanted me to trust her first before she would stab me in the back.

She chuckled, stood to her feet as she placed Muniba carefully on the bed. "Yes, but it's nothing. I have nothing to do at home even if I went back. So, I stayed and held a baby, it fills my heart." She smiled and kissed Muniba's cheek before she walked away.

"Thank you, Anisa." That was all I could say. She nodded and bade me goodbye and left.

I ate, thought, cried and replayed my entire life for as long as I could remember. And then thought of what I would do now. Where I would head to. My headache was back, so I pushed everything aside and laid beside Muniba on the bed, to me, that was the peace I'd been craving for. And it surely did fill my heart.

§

We had stayed in the hospital for three days. And both Muniba and I had gotten better. That man, whoever he was called, brought not just my clothes but along with everything he thought Muniba might need. He didn't stay long in the room, though, because I threw every word at him that I wanted.

And not once had I ever let him held Muniba. Even though he had only tried once to take her and I quickly jerked her away from his hold as though he were a monster. Anisa...well, I was beginning to soften up to her even though I knew it was a terrible idea. But I couldn't help it.

It made me realize that beneath this new human being that had been painfully carved in me, there was still the remnants of the old Nasrin that used to love and was loved back, even though not sincerely.

Anisa told me that the doctor was going to discharge us today and that was when it all dawned on me. If we were discharged now, where will I go? Where do I start from? Yes, I wasn't hidden far from home, I was still in Abuja, but right now, I didn't know where to go to.

I clenched my eyes shut and no matter how I wanted to stop myself from crying, the tears came back when I remembered Gwaggo Jummai. She may or may not have lived. She may be alive now but I don't know if I had it in me to go to her. That's if she had survived, even though I saw how mercilessly she had been wounded, how her blood had made a pool in our courtyard and I'm sure no living being would be able to survive that.

There was a knock on the door and I quickly wiped at my tears. He walked into the room with a casual cool smile on his lips. He pointed at our things that I've packed and then to the paper in his hand. "Ready to go? The doctor have signed on the discharge paper."

"What's your name?" I realized that I've been painfully seeing his face for the past four days and hadn't even known his name. Even though I had painful memories attached to his face, I've never known his name.

He chuckled, probably because of how out of context my question was. He took our bag and motioned for me to get ready. "When I asked your name, did you answer me?" That was all he had said and walked out of the room and I assumed that was my cue to follow him. So that-to him obviously-he can drop me off at home.

That's if he hadn't noticed that I didn't have a home, had no one because no one had visited me or came to look for me. Or maybe, how they had hit us with the car was enough to tell him everything. Because if I had a family, would I have been running in the dark, alone, at that time of the night? No.

Anisa wrote her number for me as she tentatively hugged me and touched Muniba's cheek warmly before we left. I sat down in his car and watched the way he turned the car into ignition and drove out of the hospital.

"My name is Nasrin," I found myself saying, and if I was watching him as intently as I thought I was, then his breath hitched for a second.

He acted as though he had never heard someone with that name before he nodded his head with a soft smile. "My name is Jamal." That was all I needed to confirm it, not that his face would've been forgotten by me, never.

We drove in silence for almost five minutes before he turned his eyes back to me and asked, "Where will I take you to?" I turned away from him and stared out through the window.

"Just park anywhere you can, I'd get off from there." I said and he nodded his head at me, as though it was no big deal to drop off a woman my age, with a one month daughter on the street of Abuja.

He got a space by the road and parked. I turned to him with a tentative smile, "Thank you so much, Jamal. For everything." I opened the door and got out, the instant heat blazing my skin.

He walked out of the car holding our bag. He stood by the road side with me and smiled at me. "I've written my number beside that of the nurse for you, incase. I know you're a fierce lady from the heated looks you gave me but just incase, please don't hesitate to call, okay?"

Lol, as if I had a phone. Or even if I was given one, I'd accept. Because a phone was the sole cause of my agony and I wouldn't want to have one again, lest it made me lose my life. And now, I have someone to live for; my Muniba.

I watched as he slid a bundle of five hundred Naira notes in the bag and zipped it up. He didn't speak about it, and I didn't either. But I knew, I would forever be grateful to him. Because if he hadn't been thoughtful enough to give me this money, I couldn't move an inch from where I was now.

I waited until he left before he stared at the expressway. From where would I start now?!