Jisung's POV

"I want to end it now...", When I said that, I was surprised by myself. I didn't know where all of those courage came from. Maybe it came from Changbin calling and scolding me at that moment or it could be because I was just already tired of all the things around me. I'm sure, my life was hectic enough to make someone want to end their life. I already attempted a lot of time but I didn't dare to do it.

"Ha?!", He sounded terribly irritated by what I said, not that he knew what I actually meant. He had only call to tell me that I made Hyunjin cry. When I asked why, I didn't mean to make Changbin made. I was genuinely clueless. "You ask why? It's because you had been ignoring him! He thinks you're abandoning him!" I was totally oblivious that I had caused such a misunderstanding.

"You! Don't repeat the same mistake you did years ago", that was too another thing I didn't know of. Just what did I do ten years ago that irritated Changbin so much? Each time we met, he wouldn't make eye contact with me. He despised me so much.

I ended the call soon after he no longer had anything to say to me.

It had been killing me day by day. I felt like the more I tried to protect everyone, the worst it become for myself. I was destroying myself.

Today, I planned to come clear with everyone. Even if I would end up being hated. It's not fair for HanMi and for Hyunjin...not for Felix and not fair for Dohwan.

I grabbed my car key, standing up from the bed as I reached out for the door knob. Today, I came to our villa without Hyunjin's knowledge. This had been the third time I came this year and two of them had been me trying to end my life. I didn't realize that I had been running from my problem and never faced them ahead.

On the road, my heart became wary. It could be because of the last accident, it had create a deep scar in me. HanMi had tried to call me a lot of time but I shut her down. The first person I wanted to be honest with was Hyunjin.

My eyes went wide when I almost run into someone but I managed to hit the break in time. I looked at my hands, the image of it tainted with blood blurred me. I blinked once and the blood was gone. It was an illusion. The day I had that accident, I was terribly injured too...

I breathed in and out, reaching for my car door with trembling hands. "I didn't hit anyone, right?", I warily asked myself, jumping out from my car and almost falling when I saw a lady lying in front of my car.

I crawled towards her, terror creeping up. "Excuse me!", I wondered why there was nobody around in the road and the cars just passed by us like they didn't see what just happened.

"Lady?! Lady!!", I shook her body, there wasn't any blood oozing out and I'm pretty sure I didn't hit her. The lady slowly moved her body, pushing herself up and staring straight into my eyes. "Ah...I fell asleep"

A frown adorned my brows. Fell asleep?! Here?! At this moment in this kind of situation?!

I decided to ignore what she said and asked if she needed to go to the hospital. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I only fell asleep. If you hadn't wake me up, it would have been really bad", she held my hands, tapping them twice. "Here as thanks", she stood up and left quickly.

When I flipped my hand and opened my fist, I saw two candies in my hand. "..."

I shook my head and went back into my car and drove home. The candy, I put it inside the glove compartment, along with some other stuff which will be forgotten by me. That reminded me, I probably should clean the car next time.

"Hyunjin?", I made a small sound in my throat when I stepped inside the house. Hyunjin hadn't return home. It was partly my fault for not asking what time he will arrive home.

I climbed up the stairs, walking inside my room and taking off the coat I was wearing. The weather was quite cold today, I wondered if Hyunjin wore something warm today. "I should call Felix"

Felix didn't answer me immediately, it took the third ring for him to pick up my call. "Hello, Jisung? What's up?"

"I...think I'm going to end this for real", there was silence. "Are you sure?"

"I am!", I said seriously. All this time, Felix had been supporting me to hide everything. Mostly because he didn't want to see me being hurt and the people around me being hurt too."I can't say anything Jisung. Do what you think is right. I'm only here to help you."

"Thanks...", Then the phone call ended like that.

I waited for hours but Hyunjin didn't return by the time I expected him to come. Ah...how I wish everything would just be easy for me.

I'm 28 years old but I didn't act like one. I didn't know what to do and I'm a coward. If this was the 18 years old me, I would just move forward like an idiot despite being a coward.

It's the end for coward people once they became smart. They became smart then they knew what to avoid.

"What a weird lady...", Then I thought back about the lady I almost ran into. What happened today left a conundrum for me to solve. There was nobody on the road and the cars just drove pass by us. The lady had a nostalgic aura around her but I couldn't put what it was.

"Ah...I want sweets", these days I hadn't been eating well and I didn't even went to the bakery I loved so much. I'm lacking nutrient, energy and most importantly I'm lacking the extra sweet I needed.

I went downstairs, rummaging through the kitchen to find anything but they were empty. None of us had been going to the grocery because we didn't eat dinner with each other often and often went out to eat. Only Hyunjin ate at home. Maybe he hadn't been feeling like eating at he, so, he didn't buy grocery.

Come to think of it, the weird lady gave me two piece of candy.

It was a bit pathetic but here I was standing in front of my car for two pieces of candy.

I looked at the candy wrapper and glared at it. "They still sell this?", It looked exactly like the one I used to eat as a kid.

I unwrapped the piece of paper and threw the candy inside my mouth. It taste sweet, too sweet in fact. I didn't remember it being this sweet before.

Shaking my head, I went back inside my room and called Hyunjin. "Hello?"

He answered the call, it was awkward to talk with him since I hadn't been interacting much with him but Changbin told me Hyunjin thought I was abandoning him. Why would I do that? Not in a million years!

"When-- when are you coming back?", I scratched my cheek, looking at the clock with side glance. It was nearing 1 am.

"Why are you not sleeping yet?", His voice sounded odd. "Are you drinking?", I asked him, raising my voice a bit. "Ah...the boss invite everyone out for a drink" for a drink? For a drink and it already passed by 12. So much just for a drink.

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. "Hurry and come back home..." I coaxed him. There was no need to get angry at him. He deserved drinking with his friends but the problem was...he didn't even like drinking alcohol that much!

Just how how much pain did I caused him?.

Hyunjin hummed. "Is Changbin there?", I asked, crushing the candy inside my mouth and taking another piece of candy. "Yeah..."

"Pass the phone to him", I said, Changbin wouldn't be drunk too. I knew him well. He had high alcohol tolerance. "Hello?"

"Can you bring him home safely...", There was no answer and I sighed again. "You can bring him to your place too. I don't mind. Just must sure he take a shower before he goes to bed"

I was only suggesting so because I didn't want to irritate Changbin. It seemed like I wouldn't be able to tell Hyunjin anything today and it didn't seem like I would have any courage tomorrow.

Honestly, I didn't know what to do anymore.

Was there even any hope to fix these?

That night I fell asleep without Hyunjin lying next to me. He really didn't come back home. Changbin had took my suggestion seriously or maybe just because he didn't want Hyunjin to come back home and see me waiting for him.

It couldn't be any worse when I had a fever.

It was a cold night, I felt like I was being pierced by ice but I had to hold myself. I crawled down the bed and grabbed some medicine before I closed my eyes and lost my consciousness.

Only back then, I didn't know that after I closed my eyes I felt peaceful and once I opened my eyes I was a total different person.

Even worse, I didn't remember anything and I had returned to my mental age when I was only 18.

I had to adjust with new surrounding and had to went through a lot of confusion. I didn't know how it happened but my relationship with Hyunjin was fixed. It didn't sound as good as that because soon after, everything became a huge mess.

My hope was to shower smile on everyone's face but I had given them tears they never wished for.

I even had to deal with great pain when my body was thrown off. I didn't even get to tell Hyunjin what I really felt, the truth nor whatever I wanted to tell him. It was unfair. When I opened my eyes again, I was welcomed by darkness and my memory had returned to me. I didn't know where I was and I couldn't feel my body. I was just floating aimlessly for a long time. I didn't know how long but I'm sure it was a small period. I was there for quite a long time that I almost forgot who I was but I remembered Hyunjin.

How everything happened....I seriously didn't know how but if there was god, they gave me a second chance in life. Even if it was a bad ending for me, they gave me a chance to fix my relationship with Hyunjin.

I was contented with it.

Call me selfish or anything but if there was really a deity, I wish they would give me another chance because... I lied. I'm not really contented with it!

I want to rebel! I want to cause trouble!

The first life, I made bad choices by being a coward, the second life, I made worst choice by being a stupid coward.

But none of them was really my fault! The first life, it wasn't me who had caused the accident! I was a victim!

The second life, I was thrown into a scene I didn't know of!  I even met such a crazy lady!

I had no preparation!

I'm complaining? Yes, I am!

That's why, I want to rebel.

Rather than floating aimlessly like right now and not knowing where I was. I had rather if the deity give me another chance! I won't be a cowardly fool anymore! I will strive doing what I want to do, strive for what I wanted!

Hence, I'm saying it again, I will rebel!

So, if there's really a deity out there, don't be such a wuss and give me another chance!

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No, this is not part 2.
I will post the second part later 😌😌. This is just extra chapter for the first part 🥰.