"Right...if I'm drunk, how could I think?", He shut his eyes when the light at the balcony was turned on. Hyunjin explained that the light was supposed to automatically kick in when the sunset down but the sun had long set before and it only lit up now. The reason was that there was some fault in the circuit. It had taken him by surprise that he splashed the water under his feet and his breathing had halted. 

 He knew this feeling very well, he tried to readied himself but all of it went in vain when he started seeing those flashes.

  "I'm not coming home tonight", Jisung had left a voice message for Hyunjin, making sure his voice was stable and didn't sound like he had was choking on his words. He pulled his legs towards his chest, engulfing them with his arms and whimpered as he hid his head in his arm.

  He had visited the villa where he and Hyunjin had shared most memories at in their earlier days when they had just gotten married but they both gradually forgotten of as they grew to be busy but it could just be him that had forgotten of such a soothing place.

  He only remembered about it today when Hyunjin's past voice echoed in his mind that he was allowed to come here whenever he wanted to be alone.

  Sneaking in without being noticed was difficult. Despite hating being tired, he had climbed all the way up the hill and he was quite shocked that he han't passed out yet. Climbing up the hill was a good idea as he was feeling like shit. At least, the exhaustion had made him less misrable.

  Jisung's breath hitched in his throat when his eyes started to turn disoriented. He didn't know how many time he had faced this diffiulty to breath but it was getting worse and worse to handle or to put them under control. He panicked when he saw another memory he didn't recall and he didn't know how to stop the memories from keep coming into his mi.nd. If only they came without pain but each time they just kept tormenting him

  He stood up, splashing some more water when he pulled his leg out when another image flashed in his mind, this time he was more ready than before.

 Jisung soaked himself under the water, his body not appearing for a solid few minutes before appeared at the surface of the water, out of breath and also sober than ever.

 He drowned himself again, the first try had been a failure but the moment Hyunjin's face floated into his mind, in  panick he pulled himself out of that suffocating situation before balling his eyes out. It was painful...each time he felt like he was going to die he remembered Hyunjin and pulled out. 

 He didn't dare to leave. At least, he couldn't do it when he knew Hyunjin was probably waiting for him at home with a glass of milk...just so that he could sleep peacefully at night.

 With shaky hands, Jisung reached his hand out for the door, entering the house slowly as possible in order to not fall out of dizziness. He looked everywhere for Hyunjin on the second floor but did not dare to look behind him as he felt like the location was haunted. The pool was haunted by an awful emotion and terrible decisions. He vividly felt the emotions in that memory as if he was experiencing it himself...he forgot-- he did experienced it and this was the second time he experienced these emotions.

 It was sad, it was lonely and scary--it was mixture of all but what he had felt the most was the fear of losing someone more than ever. Had it been losing himself or losing Hyunjin, he didn't know but the feeling itself was pretty awful, resembling  the same feeling he had when he remembered being suffocated underwater. 

 Trying to get a hold of himself, he went to the nearest room, hoping he would find either Hyunjin or a place to rest. The room was found empty--Hyunjin had most probably slept on the first floor as in not to bother Jisung with his thoughts. It would have been better if Hyunjin was here but seeing how the other was at least trying to make him feel better, he shouldn't disappoint Hyunjin and process his thoughts.

  He sat at the edge of the bed he assumed was his and breathed the air in and out his mouth, producing a heavy sigh whilst he slowly regained his composure. Oh, how he hated that he had to do this everytime those memories returned. His eyes roamed around the room, trying something he picked up off the internet-- focusing on certain topics around him. 

  For an example, colours--- Red, the curtain had been bloody red, the red colour of the carpet was closer to orange and the bed was certainly the most darkest red in the room so far. Grey-- the strips on the curtain was grey, the nightstand was also grey.

 Then, he changed into another topic. This time counting the amount of things he had inside the room accompanying him from the size to the materials.

 The television, the bed, the curtain and window, the nighstnd, the book rack, coffee table and the wardrobe. He counted everything there was there until his heartbeat steadied before swallowing his saliva, grabbing a pillow and a balnket to settle himself comfortably in the bed. He got the gist of it. He wasn't a complete fool although he made himself appeard do. He might already found the main factor of his inconstant returning memories just that he didn't dare to confirm his theory in fear he would have difficulty to breath again and in fear he would have to eperience something uglier than those feelings.

  "Are you really a bad person?", He felt a bit ironic and funny when he whispered the question to himself but he couldn't bring himself to laugh at it because he was actually hoping someone would answer him. It would be better to hear an answer even if it was a lie rather than being engulfed by silence like now. Shutting his eyes, he forced himself to sleep even though it took him longer than usual. When he finally fell asleep, nightmare-ish images started haunting him in his sleep. There was a lot of water surging up into the room and he was completely swallowed by the water, he felt his lung filled with water whilst he was slowly dying but a few seconds into the dream, he felt warmth before the nightmare subsided. Only then did he slept with ease.

  He expected himself to wake up early because he didn't think he will have a quality sleep and will end up forcing himself to wake up. Who knew, he ended up waking up late in the afternoon but what he didn't expect the most was the larger figure next to him who was sleeping and snoring like there was no tomorrow. Hyunjin never snored, he must be really tired that he still didn't wake up even when Jisung was already up. "when did he even slipped in...?"

 Jisung pushed himself up, staring at Hyunjin's face, his hair was messy and the wind from the fan was blowing gently against his face and that was why he was sleeping so peacefully. It also had rained early in ther morning,so, it would be difficult not to sleep throughout the rain. He looked peaceful and calm, absolutely less chaotic than how he usally was. Jisung dropped himself and poffed back onto the bed, stirring Hyunjin up because he didn't care if he would interupt Hyunjin's sleep or not. Hyunjin groaned in his sleep and Jisung turned to face him, flicking Hyunjin's guardless forehead before quickly closing his eyes to avoid Hyunjin when he saw the other was slowly opening his eyes.

  He held his breath and carefully opened his eyes to see Hyunjin reaching out his hand to flick him on the head in respond of his previous attack. "Morning", Jisung stuffed Hyunjin's face with a pillow and abruptly stood up to escape from the Hyunjin that was about to counterattack him. He pushed his hair back before yawning, squeezing out some tears from his eyes. "Are you a kid?", He ridiculed Hyunjin when he was the one who had started the morning war. Hyunjin dumbfoundedly, put down the two pillows he was holding to throw at Jisung. Seeing the disbelief in Hyunjin's eyes, Jisung's lips curled up, forming a satisfied grin.

  "You're going to the farm with your grandfather, right?", Hyunjin finally climbed down the bed, humming as an asnwer. "Go without me", Hyunjin shot him a questioning look and Jisung repeated his words. "Go without me..."

  "...I have something to do in the afternoon", Hyunjin was showing his worried look again, two brows knitted whilst his eyes were trembling with concerns. He didn't want Jisung to hide anything from him if he could. Jisung let out a breathy sigh. "I can't tell you right now"

  When he saw the dissappointed look in Hyunjin's pleading eyes, he sat next to Hyunjin after th eother sat down, defeated. " I don't want to lie to you", He bit his lower lips, chewing it until hi slips started turning bloody red, Hyunjin poking his lips to stop him from forming a wound despite still being confused. "..I don't want to lie to you anymore"

  "If I tell you right now, I will have to lie and I don't want to do that to you", He was hoping Hyunjin would give him a chance to be an innocent person, a good person and someone clear of fault. His previous rsolution had been wrong. After thinking some more, he knew he shouldn't escape. It wasn't like he didn't know he was a bad person. It wouldn't do him any good to stay in his own bubble that he was a genuinely innocent and nothing could go wrong if he could stop his brain from remembering all of tose memories.

 He realized there was no better was to face him but be crazier or as reckless as he was.

  "Do you trust me?", Jisung was looking straight into Hyunjin's eyes whilst his own eyes were showing unwavering determinantion-- that he wouldn't be eaily put down. Hyunjin laughed defeatedly. " There's really no saying no to those eyes"

  This time, Jisung didn't feel bad using Hyunjin's weakness against him. He knew Hyunjin wouldn't be able to say no to him...especially when he was showing this kind of spirit. Even if Hyunjin wanted to fight back, how could he refuse anything Jisung told him? 

 He smiled, his grin reaching his eyes as he extended his arm and reached out for Hyunjin's hair, ruffling them between his fingers and figuring how soft Hyunjin's hair had felt in his hand. No wonder Hyunjin loved doing this. It could be a new kind of addiction. He ruflled Hyunjin's hair few more times, "I'm gonna hit the shower first", Jisun stroded towards the bathroom, grabbing a towel as he turned back, "The old man should be fine with us by now, right?" he said one last time before he went behind the door, locking it and sound of water rushing out of the faucet, filling up the bathtub went through the door. Hyunjin could hear Jisung humming some random melodies.

 He stared dumbfoundedly at the door, touching his own hair and wondering of he had been day dreaming. Even before, Jisung had never done that to him. That might be the first time throughout ten years of being together. Hyunjin threw his back on the bed, covering his eyes with the back of his hand before laughing quietly, blush creeping up from his neck to his face. He could be mistaken but he swore he felt like Jisung was looking at him as if he was the loveliest person he had ever saw. Then he remembered that this Jisung was supposed to have his memories when he was 18 and that he hated Hyunjin...though this time it seemed to be better than hatred. At most, Jisung saw him as someone tolerable to be with or someone who was just comfortable to be around with.

  -

Okei, if there's any mistake forgive me because I'm writing this while being sleepy and it feels so bad that I can't update often because like I said I'm very busy but I'm still trying to update regularly. Though, I updated this a day earlier than planned.

I hope everyone have a nice week, this week is coming to an end, I wish everyone find something or did something that they think are woth it this week and if not, may next week be better days for us. -hunny