Have you ever had those funny thoughts? You know, the ones you get randomly when you're bored or your dog ran off to find a stick and you're stood in the middle of a park, freezing cold.

I wonder what tree bark tastes like.

If I ate myself would I be twice as big or dissappear?

If the world ends do the dinosaurs come back?

Of course there's also the random thoughts.

If I skin someone could I use their feet as shoes?

Is it possible to piss for someone else so they don't have to?

Do fish think we're their Gods and overlords?

Everyone has those depressing thoughts that creep in occasionally.

Would anyone miss me if I died?

I've found seven ways I could kill myself using things in this car.

Donald Trump is president.

But what about those scary ones that you have when you're feeling stressed and confused?

I know where the knives are kept, I could kill everyone in this building right now.

If I cut them open how long would it take for them to bleed out?

Would the blood look pretty?

I could wash them in their blood and make them look pretty all over.

And then there's thoughts that I have daily. The lonely thoughts.

Will anyone ever love me the way they did?

Why did they leave?

Could I have prevented it?

Are they ever coming back?

Is it bad that I miss Geoff so much? I need to get over it, right?

But I can't! I just...it's hard waking up every morning without him. It's so damn hard. When we first found out about his illness I think I took it harder than everyone else. I don't give a fuck if it seemed like I was being selfish; I had already lost family members to cancer, I didn't want to lose my husband too.

I mean, I did lose him but the past can't be re-written. It happened for a reason I'm sure. Why else would Geoff be taken from me?

"Awsten you gotta get out of bed."

I groaned and rolled over, ignoring the banging from outside the door. It was too fucking early.

"Awsten get your ass out of bed before I storm in there and pull you out myself!"

"Fuck off Otto!" I yelled. I heard him huff. "No, I'm not leaving until you walk through this door."

Sighing I lifted my hand, flapped it around and dropped it back down. "Just get your ass in here." I called.

The handle squeaked and slowly the door opened. Otto's concerned and slightly pissed off face scooched into the room, followed shortly by his body.

He perched on the end of my bed before addressing me.

"Ok what's going on?"

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, hugging my knees into my chest. "I can't lose him Otto."

"Awsten," he sighed, "you're losing him now. You're pushing him away by staying in different rooms. You refuse to leave this room and yes it hurts and yes it's scary, but you know he needs you because you're not the one who's ill. You both need support but Geoff has never been through this before. Think about how scared he is. Support each other. Love each other. He needs you Awsten and you need him. Please, just talk to him."

Without responding I shifted myself forward and hurled my body into his. "We need you too Otto. I need you. It hurts and what's awful is-"

"Don't think like that." Otto warned. Sobbing into his chest, Otto hugged me tightly and kissed the top of my head. "You're gonna be ok Aws, both of you are. I promise."

-

"Wow, you called Otto. Is it that hard to open the door and come talk to me yourself?" Geoff slammed the front door and shook his head.

"Are you fucking kidding me Awsten? There was no way I could talk to you even if I did get in. Otto is the only person you have spoken to in two weeks. You're not the only one going through this!"

"Ugh I know but you haven't lost people to cancer. People that you're close to, people that you love have y-"

"You're not fucking dying because of it!" Geoff yelled back. His words were like a punch to the face. "Don't say that." My voice sounded weak in my ears.

Shaky legs carried me towards him; I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, pressing our bodies together.

"God I'm so sorry Geoff. I love you so damn much. I don't want to fight, I just want to spend time with you. I'm here for you, I don't want you to think I'm not." I pressed my face into his neck.

Geoff surprised me by picking me up bridal style and carrying me into the living room. "Gee put me down!" I squealed, kicking my legs.

"Aww babe I just wanna have a little fun." He smirked, kissing my cheek.

"Ooh I know what's fun. I have an amazing idea to make you feel good." I winked at him. "You'll have to put me down first."

Geoff practically dropped me on the sofa.

"Ok ow," I sat up a little disgruntled, "you know that time we went to the beach?"

"Which time? We've been many times over the years." Geoff asked. "The time we went before we started going out. When you asked me about love and chased me into the sea." I reminded him.

"Oh yeah, what about it?"

"Remember that song I sang?"

"Yeah..."

"I finished it!" I leaped up to grab out shared acoustic from the corner of the room before returning back to sit beside him.

I smiled and closed my eyes, letting the music wash over me. My fingers danced across the strings and my voice swam freely through the air.

"I really wouldn't mind
A 20 hour drive
With you on the other end
Filling up my tired head
Tell me all my favorite things you've said before

You know I'd make the time
I'm just waiting on your green light
Yeah, I'll be at your porch
By this time tomorrow
'Cause I'm almost not fine
But I'd never let you know

'Cause your moonlit backseat
Always leaves me somewhere inside
The softest part of my mind
And keeps me

Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You're the only one that makes me
Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You never really missed me back

I really wouldn't mind
My fear of taking flights
With you on the other side
Lifting up my tired eyes
Tell me something new you haven't told before

Let's meet in Anaheim
I'm sick of waiting for the "right time"
'Cause I'll be out of Texas by this time tomorrow
Distance makes the heart grow fonder
But I've found her

'Cause your moonlit backseat
Always leaves me somewhere inside
The softest part of my mind
And keeps me

Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You're the only one that makes me
Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You never really missed me back

I want you to need me like I need you
I need you to see me when I'm see-through
It's sad but it's true:
No one's waiting for you
But I was thinking we could get away sometime
Yeah, let's call it a date
And you can devastate my personal space
I never liked it anyway

'Cause your moonlit backseat
Always leaves me somewhere inside
The softest part of my mind
And keeps me

Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You're the only one that makes me
Powerless tonight
All I am is losing track of time
Tell me why
You never really missed me back"

My eyes fluttered open as I strummed the last chord. Clear blue eyes gazed lovingly into mine, tears forming.

"I love you so much." Geoff whispered before his lips were on mine. The guitar slipped from my grasp landing with a crash on the floor but neither of us cared.

I pushed him backwards and straddled him attacking his neck with kisses. "What are you doing?"

"I promised you fun." I said with a wink.

Next chapter's the last chapter xox