CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR:

FEAR OF LOVE

 ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ 

       Nova had never seen so many people try to run at a door as quickly as everyone in the Room of Requirement did. Everyone flocked towards the door like a swarm of birds, all trying their best to exit through the door that, no matter how much Nova wished it would be bigger, didn't magically grow in size. Almost immediately, Nova felt someone's hand intertwine with her own and she squeezed desperately onto Ron's hand, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

      "Ron, if Umbridge finds out -"

      "I know. She'll punish you and tell your father." His eyes got hard, steel flashing through them. "She won't find out. I won't let her. Get out of here, and don't you dare go to the kitchens. Not tonight. I'll see you tomorrow." He pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

      She gave him a nervous smile, but there was a sinking feeling in her gut, like Ron's words didn't matter. Someone would find out. Theo would be punished for her actions. She didn't care much about what she'd receive, but Theo would be in jeopardy. Nova pushed through the crowd, her hand detaching from Ron's as she managed to squeeze her way out into the corridor. Running to the Slytherin dormitories was going to take too long, so she settled on rushing towards the Owlery, quickly pulling out her wand and Accio-spelling a quill and piece of parchment into her hands the second she hit the inside of the Owlery so it would look like she was inside the room for its intended purpose. 

      While she was there, she felt the weight of the world crash onto her shoulders all at once. The feeling of Ron being the one memory to produce her Patronus, the knowledge that if she had gotten caught tonight, Theo would have been put in an awful position. Theo. God, she missed him. She missed talking to him like she used to, before things went wrong. 

      How was she expected to do this? How was she expected to have this burden on her shoulders and make it out alive?

      Nova flung herself into one of the chairs in the Owlery, throwing her head in her hands and letting out a shaky breath. She could do this. She had spent months trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing, and she wouldn't let twenty seconds of fear change her mind. She was doing something for Theo, helping in the only way she knew how. 

      She would get him away from the toxic manor, the house that had always been just a rest stop. It had never been home. It would never be home. Nova had used to imagine what her home would look like when she was old and married (when marriage was still an option in her eyes and the war was far from her mind). She wanted it to be big, but not so big that it felt empty, like the manor she lived in now. She wanted it to be decorated with things that were hers and not just decorations bought from the wealthiest wizards alive. Nova wanted her house to have the feeling of comfort when someone walked inside. The walls wouldn't be pristine and white and there would be messes on the ground to show signs of life and humanity and love.

       Nova thought back to the memories of Ron that had flooded her mind and there was a dull ache in her heart. Maybe home wasn't a pile of wood that you lived in. Maybe home was a person. Maybe home was putting your trust in someone and knowing that they might break it, but trusting them anyway. Maybe home was letting someone give you words of affection that you didn't believe, but they made you want to. Maybe home was believing that someone made you a better person.

      A loud laugh escaped Nova's lips, sounding just as insane as she felt. She just couldn't deal with it anymore. The emotions swirling around in her heart were too big for her to understand or comprehend. Because maybe, just maybe, Nova had allowed her idea of the perfect home to switch to Ron Weasley. In a matter of months, he had turned her world on its axis, but she had loved every second of it. She liked the person she was when she was around him, and she wanted to find out other ways in which she could grow.

      Never before had she felt the feelings stirring around in her stomach. Her heart had never felt as light as it did when she was around him. And while she was still learning to be good, still learning to make the right choices... she knew none of it would be possible without his motivation and trust in her. 

      Love wasn't a word she knew the definition of. She'd never felt that swooping sensation that was described in romance novels or even the familial love that people like the Weasley family possessed. The unknown nature of it made it frightening. There was nothing that would scare Nova more than the idea of love. She'd seen what love could do to people. It could tear them apart, make them do stupid things, turn them into a completely different person. Theo's so called "love" for their father was making him turn to the evil.

      The only thing that might have scared Nova more was the knowledge that she'd probably never feel it. Or, that when she did feel it, it would scare her into running away, just like everyone in her family did. At the first sight of emotion, anyone with the last name Nott was off in a flurry. She wasn't even sure her mother had truly loved her father.

      Theo was the only one she'd ever loved. And now, he too, was gone. Unfamiliar.

      "Oh. I suppose I'll come back," a voice said stiffly from the other side of the Owlery. When Nova turned, she met the eyes of Pansy Parkinson, holding a sheet of parchment in her hands. She was wearing the stupid Inquisitorial Squad badges that Malfoy had designed on the right shoulder of her robes. 

       "I don't own the Owlery, Parkinson," Nova said in a bored tone, quickly flattening any expression she happened to be showing on her face. She had to seem cool and unaffected, like she had no time to deal with the nonsense of the D.A. "It's ridiculous to leave just because I'm here." Though, Nova supposed it wasn't. She knew that Parkinson was aware of Nova's feelings towards her. 

      "I wouldn't be leaving just because you're here. Not everything is about you, Nova," Parkinson snapped in reply and Nova raised her brow at the sharpness in Parkinson's tone. As if realizing that she was acting uncharacteristically snide, Parkinson straightened her posture. "But I will send my letter." Nova shrugged her shoulders disinterestedly when Parkinson walked over to a beautiful tawny owl and held out the letter so the owl could hold it in its mouth. The two of them watched the owl fly outside of the window silently. Then, Parkinson sighed. "I want to hate you," Parkinson suddenly said, her voice barely loud enough to fully hit Nova's ears.

      Nova shrugged. "Most people do." But since it looked like Parkinson wanted to talk, Nova rolled her eyes. "Why did you want to hate me?"

      When Parkinson looked up, Nova was surprised to see tears in her eyes. Nova wasn't sure how to handle Pansy Parkinson if she started crying. She could handle annoying Pansy, giddy Pansy, and even humiliated Pansy. She had no experience with weeping Pansy. "Like you don't know why. Merlin, Nova, he's still so in love with you. I heard him talking to Blaise the other day. He said he doesn't think he's ever going to get over you. And I think deep down, I knew that. But..." Pansy trailed off, shrugging her shoulders helplessly. "But I love him. I know you shudder away from anything resembling emotion, but it's true. I'm in love with him. And he doesn't eve care."

      This was a prime example of why Nova didn't want to fall in love. Why she was terrified of it. It was making Pansy Parkinson cry. Nova didn't want to deal with all those emotions fluttering through her head at once. 

      "But I know you don't feel the same about him. That's why I don't hate you. I want to, but I can't. It isn't your fault that Draco can't get over you." Parkinson squared her shoulders and sat up straighter, rubbing her hand underneath her eyes to make sure there was no residue of tears. "Well, I suppose that's it. I'll be off now."

      She made it all the way to the door before Nova called her name. "You know, Parkinson," Nova said quietly, "you should be with someone that doesn't keep stringing you along. Because you're right. It isn't my fault or your fault that Malfoy doesn't treat you with respect. That's all on him. Remember that." Parkinson stiffly nodded her understanding before she was walking outside the Owlery.

      Someone that treats you with respect, she thought to herself, nodding tiredly. She couldn't think of a better description of Ron Weasley. He was sometimes stupid, loved to argue, but never once did she ever feel disrespected. 

   ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪   

- BY ORDER OF -

THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

Dolores Jane Umbridge (High Inquisitor) has replaced Albus Dumbledore as Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The above is in accordance with Educational Decree Number Twenty-eight.

      They were posted all over the school, along with the story. Apparently Mariette Edgecombe had decided to come clean about the D.A. meetings and Harry had been caught trying to rush back to his common room. There were a few hazy details that Nova wasn't sure she believed (like Fudge being in St. Mungo's because Dumbledore transfigured him into a West Highland Terrier), but the general story was the same. Dumbledore had escaped, and overnight the Inquisitorial Squad had gained the power to dock house points from the other houses. 

      Nova silently watched as Malfoy docked points for stupid things. If someone in Gryffindor's shoes were untied, they'd lose five points. It was all quite ridiculous to see. She and Blaise rolled their eyes every time Parkinson happily gave a point to Ravenclaw, on account of them housing Marietta Edgecombe. 

      When lunch came around, Blaise and Nova were sitting at the Slytherin table eating when Nova felt it. Her seat ratted underneath her, as if there was an earthquake about to happen. And then she heard the tell-tale signs of fireworks whistling. Nova's eyes widened in horror as she turned in her seat, staring at Ron who just sent her a smirk and nodded, mouthing something at her.

      "Fred and George," he was saying, and a big smile that Nova couldn't stop from appearing curled the corners of her lips. Her seat rattled again, the cup containing her pumpkin juice shaking ominously on the table. 

      "Let me guess," Blaise mentioned with a small smile on his face. "Fred and George are letting Umbridge know how they feel about her status as Headmistress."

      The two of them made their way to Transfiguration, only to discover one of the red dragon fireworks had found solace in Professor McGonagall's classroom. The professor didn't look alarmed, or even remotely afraid of the fireworks. She seemed to know exactly who had caused the commotion, and Nova could swear she saw a minuscule smile on Professor McGonagall's lips when she began class.

      "Dear, dear," she said as everyone in the classroom watched the dragon fly around. Nova was in awe of it. Fred and George had really outdone themselves. "Miss Brown, would you mind running along to the headmistress and informing her that we have an escaped firework in our classroom?" Lavender Brown, who loved Professor Trelawney immensely if Nova was remembering correctly, looked like nothing would please her more than making Umbridge deal with the firework.

      In fact, Nova realized that all of her teachers were summoning Umbridge to come and get the fireworks out of their classrooms. Blaise and Nova sent each other looks, knowing fully well that their professors were skilled in magic and could probably get rid of the fireworks without batting an eye. But this was it. This was their silent form of rebellion, and Nova found herself smiling when even Snape called upon Umbridge to get rid of the rocket that had zoomed into his classroom during Potions. 

      Later that night, when Nova was sitting in the kitchens and watching out the window as a Catherine wheel firework flew around the outside of the castle, she heard the door creak open and smiled brightly when Fred and George walked in, their younger brother right behind them. Nova rolled her eyes and started applauding, knowing it was exactly what the twins wanted. They bowed gracefully, expressing their gratitude. 

      "We already signed your name for our waiting list," Fred explained, reaching over and ruffling the top of Nova's hair. "It'll be five galleons when the time comes."

      "Sounds like a plan," Nova replied, reaching out her hand when Ron made his way over to her. He intertwined their fingers and Fred and George pretended not to notice, even though both had wide smiles plastered on their faces. "The fireworks were brilliant. I reckon Umbridge is going to be seething, which I assume was the point."

      "Naturally," George replied, giving a big smile. "I figure we've got to enjoy it while it lasts, especially since a punishment will probably be on its way soon."

      "Punishment? She can't prove the fireworks were yours," Nova commented, taking a bite of the vanilla pudding that sat in front of her. Ron reached out for an extra spoon and dipped it into the bowl, Nova slightly pushing it over in his direction.

      "We're talking about punishment for the D.A. Umbridge knows we were there."

      Nova gave them a sympathetic smile. "She caught you? Merlin, that sucks. I thought you two had gotten away, though. I only heard about Potter and Edgecombe being caught."

      Fred and George gave her equally confusing looks. "No, we didn't get caught. Nova..." Fred trailed off, his eyes staring into hers. "Hermione forgot to grab the list of people that were officially in the D.A. Umbridge has it. We think she'll be out for blood any day now."

      Nova's blood stopped pumping through her veins. Her heart stopped beating. She was pretty sure she was making a choking sound. But none of that mattered. None of that mattered because if Umbridge knew, then Malfoy would know soon enough. Theo would know. And somehow, her father would find out. He would be furious. He'd take it out on Theo, like he always did. She could imagine the physical abuse, the screams about how he didn't do his best to control that "awful, blood traitor daughter of his." And worse, Theo might believe him.

      "Nova," Ron said quietly, rubbing his thumb on her skin, trying to let her know that he was still there. "Nova, say something."

      Fred and George seemed to sense that this was a conversation the two needed to have in private and quickly made themselves scarce from the kitchens. Nova felt like she couldn't breathe, the tears already coming to her eyes. "Umbridge knows," she said hopelessly, furiously rubbing her hands underneath her eyes. "She knows and my father will find out."

      "I'm not going to let him -"

      "Don't you get it?" she screamed, standing from her seat and whirling on him. He had never seen her look so angry and heartbroken at the same time. "I don't care about me, Ron! I don't care what he does to me. But he's going to hurt Theo. He's going to hurt Theo and it's going to be all my fault."

      "What do you mean, you don't care what he does to you? Nova, he's a dangerous man. He's hit you. How dare you say that you don't care if he does it again?" She rolled her eyes, furiously marching away from him. "No, come back! You always do that when things get tough. You walk away, as if its the solution to everything. I want to talk about this."

      "I don't," she replied in a huff, continuing her march towards the door.

      "I don't care about Theo, okay?" he yelled, so loud in the kitchens that it was a wonder no one else heard them. His words stopped her in her tracks, stopped her from reaching out and leaving him standing the kitchens like she had so many times before. "Alright, I'm sorry about that. But it doesn't change anything. I don't care about Theo. Because I'm not in a relationship with Theo!" Nova's eyes widened just slightly, but Ron was on a tangent. "You know who I do care about? You, Nova. Merlin, I care about you so much. Do you know how hard it is to hear you say you don't care if your father hits you again?"

      "Why?" Nova bit back. "What my father does doesn't affect you."

      "Of course it affects me because it's my girlfriend he's taking out his anger on! It's my girlfriend he's upset with!"

      Any argument Nova might have had at the ready died on her lips when she realized what Ron had said. Girlfriend. Nova felt the angry tears rolling down her cheeks, but they didn't matter anymore because he was staring at her with some newfound confidence, as if daring her to say differently. 

      "And because I know the wheels in your head are going crazy, yes, I called you my girlfriend. Why? Because I bloody fancy you, Nova. So much. So don't say it doesn't affect me, because of course it does. If I could do something to stop it, I would, but I know I can't. And I'm sorry that I don't care about Theo, but he's not the one I can't stop thinking about and he's not the one who I want to be safe and maybe that's selfish of me, but I don't care anymore. I want to be selfish. Hermione told me once that I have the emotional range of a teaspoon, and maybe that's true, but I have enough to know that I fancy you and I don't want anything to happen to you."

      "Not a teaspoon," Nova said stiffly, quietly. Ron looked at her in confusion. "Something even smaller. A fourth of a teaspoon."

       He seemed to think jokes were a sign of things getting better, so he cautiously took a step forwards. "Sure. A fourth of a teaspoon," he agreed, a small smile on his lips. 

      "Theo's my best friend. We haven't spoken in three weeks, but he's always there. I know he is. I know he's a bad person, I know that what he's doing is wrong, but I still love him. God, love. I used to be so afraid of that word because I didn't know what it meant, but I know now because I love him so much and it terrifies me to know that obviously that feeling isn't reciprocated. He wouldn't have become a Death Eater if he loved me. And I know that, but I still care so much. I want him to be safe, to be happy. I want him away from our father. And even if you don't care, I do. Theo's going to suffer for this."

      "Theo's already suffering," he replied, and the knowledge that Ron's words were right absolutely broke her. "I'm sorry, Nova, but it's true. That wall's already been broken."

      "I know. Merlin, I know," she said helplessly, and suddenly he was by her side once again and taking her hand in his and pulling her close. Her arms twined themselves around his neck and hugged him to her, closing her eyes in the warmth that he offered. He was everything she wasn't. Good, light, happy. She should have repelled him, but somehow they worked. Like two magnets. "I hate this," she whispered in his shoulder and she felt him pull her even closer.

      She didn't know how long they stood there, embracing in the middle of the kitchens. The house elves were walking around them now, worried to say anything that might set the two of them off once more, but Nova didn't pay them any mind. She just clutched Ron like he was her lifeline, the only thing keeping her afloat. "You called me your girlfriend."

      "I was hoping you'd let that go, but I don't know why I thought you would. You never do," he said, pulling away from their embrace just enough to see her smile slightly, shaking her head. 

      "Of course I don't." Then, her hands trailed to his face and grasped it, like she was afraid he'd float away if she didn't anchor him there. "I really, really don't like labels. It makes it sound so childish." She pressed a kiss to his mouth before he could reply to her. "And because labels never really work out for me. My father is a monster, my brother is turning evil. Those are labels. They're supposed to be set in stone, but it doesn't feel like that anymore."

      "Nova, you can admit that you're scared."

      "I'm bloody terrified," she replied, giving him another smile. He could see the fear in her eyes, though. "I'm absolutely frightened. But I want you to know that I'm all in this. I'm not going to back down. So, if we need to label it, then we'll label it. Hey," she said when he started to look down, quickly bringing his line of eyesight back to her face. "I fancy you too, alright? This isn't one-sided."

      Minutes later Nova was walking back to the Slytherin common room, already spotting Blaise sitting in the chaise he normally rested on. She plopped down next to him and laid her head on his shoulder, looking over at the piece of parchment he was reading. It was some homework from Potions that he needed to finish, red ink splattered wherever revisions needed to be made. She pointed to the Amortentia potion. "It's supposed to only be half a tablespoon, not a whole."

      "Thanks," he mentioned, reaching forward for his quill and scribbling out the correction she'd made. "Nova, I need to talk to you, actually." She looked at him, giving him a confused look. "Look, Umbridge is Headmistress now, and I want you to be careful, okay? I'm not trying to control you or anything, but I don't want you to suffer anymore of those barmy detentions." As if to prove his point, he took her hand in his and lifted it to his face. The words were nearly invisible, but he ran his fingers over them and felt their ridges. "She'll pay for this one day. Karma has a way of doing that."

      "Thanks for the concern, Blaise. I'll be careful, I promise." It was then that she noticed his knuckles, bloody and bruised. "Blaise, what happened?" She immediately sat up straighter, taking his other hand and examining the skin.

      He looked chagrined. "I... I got into a fight. With Theo."

      Nova raised an eyebrow.

      "He noticed we've been talking more. He came up to me and asked how you've been doing. He's worried about you. I think he knows how much you used to depend on him. I told him to stop being an arse and ask you himself, and he didn't take that too well. Started yelling about how I didn't understand anything and how he didn't have a choice. I told him he was a bloody idiot that he was acting like his father. He didn't like that too much. Took a swing at me, but missed. I told him I refused to fight him." He turned his hand over and gripped Nova's fingers. He looked calm, but she knew him well enough now to realize there was fear in his eyes. "He asked me why I wouldn't, then started crying. He said he deserved it. That he wanted me to. And I told him I couldn't because I've been in love with him for nearly four years. Then I left and punched a wall. Not the smartest idea."

      "Oh, Blaise," she whispered, dropping his hands and pulling him into a hug. Seeing Blaise like that was different than seeing Pansy, whom she didn't really care for. This was the boy that had been her friend through thick and thin. "We'll figure it out. I'll help you figure it out. I'm with you, you know that, right? I'm with you."

      He seemed to find comfort in her words, for he held her tighter. He didn't cry, like Parkinson had. He just gripped her shoulders like she was the only one he'd ever need. But she knew deep down that she was the wrong Nott. It was a different one he wanted to be holding. It was a different one he knew he probably never would. 

   ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪   

Amanda's gonna hate me bc she's a hoe for thaise but I'm nothing if not angsty