CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:

JEALOUSY REIGNS

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      Nova had been so close. The words were on the tip of her tongue. He was staring at her, a terrifying round of eye contact that Nova couldn't escape. Just say it back, she thought to herself, begging for some part of her to feel something. Just say it back. Things will be so much easier if you say it back. Just say it. Right now.

      "Nova?" he asked, and she heard the confusion in his voice. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. "This is normally the part where you say it back, so I don't stand here feeling like a fool."

      She tried. Her mouth moved to form the words, but she couldn't make the sounds escape. It was that moment, that heart-shattering moment when she realized she didn't feel it. She could try and force herself for the rest of her life, but she'd never be truly happy. And if she wasn't truly happy, he'd never be truly happy.

      "Malfoy," she had said, her voice softer than it had ever been in her life. "I-I'm so sorry."

      She remembered actually feeling it. Feeling terribly sorry and wanting nothing more than to be able to offer the words he wanted to hear. Three words, eight letters. Incredibly easy to pronounce. But she couldn't do it.

      "You -" he cut himself short, his eyes growing wide with disbelief, "- you don't...w-what?"

      "I can't say it back," she whispered, her eyes falling to the floor. She wished she couldn't feel his eyes on her, because she knew what they would hold. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. And she deserved it. Every emotion he hurled her way, she deserved it. She wanted him to feel angry, to blame her, to hate her. "Malfoy, I -"

      "I need to get out of here," he had replied, and his voice was short and icy, the same tone that she used to keep her true emotions hidden. When he had walked away from her, Nova had fallen to the ground on the top of the Astronomy Tower, numb and feeling incredibly stupid.

      Ice Queen. You actually fooled yourself into believing you could be in love? You can't feel love. You can't feel anything.

      She wished she could say the same now.

      Ever since her realization, it hadn't gone away. She had dreamed about the stupid redheaded boy clouding her thoughts for the past three nights straight. And with the D.A. meeting taking place that evening, she was on edge. Fred and George had taken to sneaking her winks and smirks whenever no one was looking, and Nova knew they were deluded enough to think that she and their brother could actually work.

      She felt his eyes on her as she sat at the Slytherin table, ignoring the sensation the knowledge of his gaze spread across her fingertips and toes, instead focusing on the meal in front of her. Nova sent a nod of acknowledgement to Zabini as he sat next to her, immediately helping himself to the food in front of him.

      "Zabini," she said, trying to distract herself from looking towards the Gryffindor table. "I've just realized something."

      "Have you?" he replied nonchalantly, bringing a forkful of eggs to his mouth. 

      "You mentioned that you had your eye on someone," Nova responded, giving him a look. "Who is it?" Nova's eye caught Astoria Greengrass, staring at the two of them sitting and talking with a wistful expression on her face. "You said it wasn't Astoria, but were you lying? Is it Greengrass's little sister? She's fancied you since her first year here."

      "I know," Zabini said, giving Nova a wiggle of his eyebrows as he took another bite of eggs. "But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you who I've got my eye on if you tell me who you've started to fancy."

      Nova didn't miss a beat in responding. "I don't fancy anyone, Zabini. Bulstrode's just off her rocker. Absolutely mad."

      "You're forgetting that I know you better than Bulstrode does. And that I'm best mates with the guy who's been in love with you for the past four years. He notices things, you know."

      Nova had been ready to defend herself, spit back that she didn't like anyone, but Zabini's response had brought a frown to her face. Malfoy, who was sitting with Parkinson and basically being fed his breakfast by the annoying bint, was staring off into space with a blank expression on his face. The one Nova wore so often. The one she had worn when they were dating. It was the expression of someone who couldn't possibly be less in love. And while Nova thought she had been doing the right thing in pushing him away and telling him to be with Parkinson, maybe she had just condemned him to a life lacking love. "Is he okay?" she whispered to Zabini, knowing if Malfoy hear he'd be upset at her for worrying. Zabini sighed and Nova immediately pounced on the sound. "Zabini, tell me the truth."

      "No, he's not okay, Nova," Zabini answered quietly. "The love of his life couldn't say she was in love with him and then ended things, only to pair him up with someone else. How would you feel?"

      "I don't know," she said softly, "I've never been in love with someone."

      She tried to imagine it. She wanted to understand how Malfoy was feeling. She imagined if she was with Weasley (and ignored the spark it sent straight to her pulse) and had admitted how much she cared for him, only for him to tell her that he didn't feel the same way. And then she tried to imagine if he had tried to set him up with one of his dormmates, someone like Dean Thomas or Seamus Finnigan.

      She would feel awful. 

      "I did this to him." She didn't care if Zabini was listening anymore, too engrossed in her own guilt. "I just didn't want to hurt him."

      Zabini seemed to hear the self-loathing in her voice, for he rolled his eyes and placed his hand on her shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. "Nova, you didn't lead him on, and I think that's what you need to focus on. You could have made the both of you unhappy by being in a relationship that didn't make either of you happy in the end. You aren't the villain in this scenario." 

      Again, Nova was reminded how much of a friend Blaise Zabini was. She sent him a halfway smile, letting him know that she was grateful for his words. "Thanks, Zabini," she said, leaning in close so she could whisper the words and have no one else hear. "You're a good friend."

      "So you keep saying."

       Theo plopped down across from them, his girlfriend following shortly afterwards. Their hands were interlocked as Theo grabbed a pancake and set it on his plate. The sight of her brother, so in love, was heartwarming enough to make another small smile grace Nova's features. "We've got Divination today. Umbridge is going to be in there with her stupid pink clipboard, writing notes down."

      Nova was thankful she had decided to take Arithmancy instead of Divination. While she couldn't stand Professor Trelawney, she couldn't stand Umbridge at least a hundred times more and the two of them in a room together would be torture. Still, she gave Theo an apologetic glance as she and Zabini finished up their breakfasts.

      "Want company on your walk to Arithmancy?" he suggested, offering her a chance to continue their conversation. She accepted, and the two of them left the Great Hall. "So, are you going to take my up on my offer?"

      She knew what he was talking about. She told him who she fancied, he told her. But she wasn't sure she wanted to admit it out loud yet, and especially not to a Slytherin. She had no ill feelings towards Blaise, but even he, who seemed to be the least prejudiced in her house, would sneer the second she said she might feel something for Weasley. "I will. Eventually. Not not, though. It's still new to me and I don't even know what I'm going to do about it. I'm hoping they'll just go away, so I'm ignoring him, actually."

      "Awful tactic," Zabini responded with a laugh. "You're forgetting that you're Nova Nott. Odds are, he probably fancies you back."

      He couldn't possibly. She'd just end up disappointing him, like she did everyone else.

      Later that evening was the D.A. meeting Nova had been dreading. She was silent as she made her way to the Room of Requirement, pacing back and forth until the door appeared. Almost immediately she spotted Weasley, chatting to Granger about something, but luckily Longbottom grabbed Nova's attention before she could get caught staring.

      "Evening, Nova," he said, and his voice was different somehow. Unlike the soft spoken nature it normally was, it now seemed to be booming in the space between the two of them. She gave Longbottom a nod and a small smile. 

      "Evening, Longbottom."

      "How was your holiday?" he questioned as more students started to file into the room. Nova was happy to see that no one besides Edgecomb and Smith even blinked in her direction anymore. They were used to seeing her there. Some people, according to Potter anyway, even thought she was humorous, like Dean Thomas and Cho Chang.

      "Fine," she replied, meaning it now that the mark on her lip was gone and it had been about three weeks since she had seen her father. "And yours?" she asked without a long pause. She liked to think she was getting better at picking up social cues. He nodded at her with a smile to reassure her that her response had been good.

      "Fine as well."

      During her short conversation with Longbottom, she hadn't noticed everyone had piled in the room and Potter was getting ready to start his lesson. Standing next to him was the boy Nova was trying to avoid, and it seemed as if he was purposely looking everywhere but at her. It was what she had wanted, she reminded herself when she felt a twinge of disappointment. "Alright, we're going to work on the Reductor Curse. This works as a projectile weapon when used correctly, as it blows a solid object to pieces and can protect you," Potter said after a few moments.

      As if it had known what Potter would need, the Room of Requirement suddenly filled with large foam squares. The foam was for safety purposes, Potter addressed when Smith made a comment about how foam would do no damage, but promised the spell would work just as well with marble or even glass possessions. Longbottom and Nova met up when Potter told them to split into pairs, as predicted. Longbottom focused on the foam square in front of him as Nova raised her wand and yelled "Reducto!" at the object. Most of it blew up, but there was still a large chunk left standing when all was said and done. It materialized whole again so Longbottom could have his turn.

      She'd never seen such an intense look of concentration on his face. He stared at the foam square, raised his wand, and shouted the jinx with such conviction that the entirety of the shape blew up, some foam hitting Nova in the face and reminding her why the squares were made of soft matter. It was blown into smithereens. Nova couldn't help the surprised look that flitted across her face.

      "W-well done, Longbottom," she stuttered out in surprise. "That was incredible."

      He gave her a small, thankful smile before the square materialized again.

      After a few moments of practicing with Longbottom, she spotted Fred and George Weasley making their way over to the pair, shouting their own curse at the foam square and watching it blow into a million pieces. "Great form, Gred."

      "I appreciate the compliment, Forge."

      Fred grinned and clapped a hand down on Longbottom's shoulder. "Neville, we've got some things we need to discuss with our rogue Slytherin over here -"

      "No they don't," Nova interrupted, sending Longbottom a look that read 'if you leave me alone with them, I'll murder you.' "Don't listen to them, Longbottom."

      "Ah, see, but if he does that then there might be a handful of Weasley pranks in his future, and you wouldn't want that, would you Neville?"

      Longbottom shot her a look. "Sorry, Nova. I'd rather not be on the receiving end of these two on a pranking spree. I'll go work with Harry."

      She watched him walk away with a twitching eye. "You insufferable gits. I don't want to talk about this today. I'm trying to learn how to defend myself, unlike you twits who are more concerned with the love life I don't have."

      "See, George tells me you finally fancy ickle Ronniekins, so we really can't let that go."

      "Keep your voice down!" Nova hissed, angrily aiming her wand at the foam square on the floor. This time, when she shouted, "Reducto!" it exploded like Longbottom's had. It was satisfying, but didn't work in her attempt to scare the twins away. They simply remained standing there, grinning at her "I don't fancy him."

      "Could have fooled me," George replied in an annoying sing-song tone. "However, we spotted you glaring over at he and Hermione during the lesson earlier. They look awfully close, don't they?"

      "Are you lot actually trying to make me jealous? I don't do jealousy." However, her words contradicted her actions when her eyes flickered over to where he was practicing the Reductor spell with Granger. Unlike earlier, when he looked miserable as he tried to avoid meeting her gaze, he was laughing now, happy that he had seemed to get the curse right so quickly. Granger had her arms crossed over her chest and was rolling her eyes, but she had a small grin on her face.

      They're just friends, Nova reminded herself. Fred and George are just being imbeciles. Still, having knowledge that Granger and Weasley were just friends didn't stop a nasty feeling from spreading through her stomach, like a toxic green river. "What was that?" George questioned, smirking when he realized that Nova wasn't paying attention to him anymore, too caught up in the idea that Hermione and Ron actually fancied one another.

      "I'm not jealous," she replied, giving him a glare. However, when she did the Reductor spell once more, the spell had a lot more bite to it than before. "If he wants to be with Granger, that's absolutely fine. I'm not his mother. I don't decide who he does and doesn't end up with."

      This is what she had wanted. She wanted him to be away from all the evil she and her family brought. Granger was the furthest from evil they came. While Nova was equated with being a Death Eater, Granger was equated with being the smartest witch of their age, the one who always chose good. Nova would never be that. He deserved someone like that.

      When the D.A. meeting was declared over, Nova was one of the first ones to leave, marching out of the Room of Requirement with heavy steps. Instead of making her way to the Slytherin common room, she marched to the kitchens, desperate for some kind of chocolate dessert that would hopefully put her in a food-induced coma so that one day she might wake up and everything would be okay in the world and she wouldn't have these stupid unfamiliar feelings anymore. Is this what Theo felt like every time he saw Greengrass? How the bloody hell did he deal with it?

      The door to the kitchens opened once more and Nova knew who it was without even having to look.

      "Oh," he said once he registered that it was her sitting at the counter and angrily stabbing a piece of chocolate cake with her fork.

      "I'm leaving, don't worry," she spit out venomously, grabbing the plate in one hand and her fork in the other as she made to stomp out of the room. However, he made a noise of anger and stepped in front of her, preventing her from going anywhere.

      "You're acting like us not speaking is my fault," he snapped, his face tinting red with anger. "I'm not the one who went insane and declared that we can't be friends. That's not fair."

      "Life isn't fair, Weasley," she replied with a biting tone. "Go get back to Granger and leave me alone."

      "Right, yeah, I'll get back and you can go back to Zabini," he said bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest. Her eyes narrowed in annoyance. He honestly thought she was with Zabini? 

      "What the bloody hell does Zabini have to do with anything?" she asked in her harshest tone, hoping it would plunge through his heart and hurt him just as much as his accusation had affected her.

      "Oh, come on, Nott, I saw the two of you at breakfast. You looked awfully cozy this morning." She tried to remember her actions that morning that had caused him to act like this, to think that she and Zabini were actually an item.

      "Just like how you and Granger looked awfully cozy at the D.A. meeting a mere ten minutes ago?" she countered.

      His eyes flashed in anger. "Are you seriously suggesting Hermione and I -"

      "I am, if you're suggesting Zabini and I are together."

      The two stared at each other, nostrils flared, cheeks hot, and chests moving up and down with panted, angry breaths. They both had their fighting faces on, Nova's arms were crossed across her chest in an attempt to look more hostile while he was glaring so harshly it was a wonder she didn't spontaneously combust. "You wanted this, Nott. You're the one that said we couldn't be friends anymore." he reminded her.

      "You think I wanted this?" she countered, giving him a snort that didn't contain any humor. "No, Weasley." She spit out his name. "I did this for you, believe it or not. My family's a nightmare. They'd kill you and your family without a second thought. That's where I come from. So, I apologize, if my trying to protect you inconveniences you, but I care about you and your bloody family enough to do something about it."

      "You're forgetting that there's a lot of people that want to kill my family. And Harry. And Hermione. There's an evil side and there's a good side in this, Nott, and someone's always going to want someone else to die. That's not a good enough reason to cut off people who are just trying to be your friends and treat them like they're less than nothing."

      "You don't understand. You never did," she said, shaking her head. "You've got a family that loves you and cares about the consequences. Don't blame me for not having the same."

      She started to walk out, fully prepared to return to the common room annoyed and frustrated, but he pulled her back, hand latching onto her arm like it had before. Unlike before, she knew what the quick skip of her heartbeat meant, and it made her angry that even if this moment she could feel something.

      "I'm sorry, but that's absolute rubbish. So you've got family problems. Guess what, Nott? So does everyone. You think my family is so perfect? My prat of a brother hasn't spoken to us in months. Mum breaks down sobbing when someone says his name. You remember that my dad was in the hospital, yes? You call that easy? And while money isn't the most important thing in life, it certainly helps out, and we've got none of it. So don't use your family as an excuse to make people hate you."

      "I think your family arguing and not having money is a lot less severe than your family being murderers, Weasley," Nova replied, but her voice had lost steam. She was tired. She was tired of fighting, tired of trying to convince herself that she was good, that she was bad, of everything. She was tired to pretending like her heart wasn't beating faster as he launched into another one of his endless rants.

      She saw his lips moving, speaking words that weren't registering in her brain. She was too focused on the fact that they had somehow gotten closer in the midst of their argument, and that her pulse was quickening and her palms were sweating and that she'd never experienced something like that before. he was gesturing his hands around wildly, trying to make a point she wasn't even hearing.

      All the while, her heart was telling her that this was right, somehow. That protecting him and his family by staying away was the wrong thing to do, because all it did was make her crazy. It was driving her absolutely mad. 

      Fred and George were the dumbest people she knew, but they were right. Seeing him with the complete opposite of her (because Hermione Granger really was the complete opposite of her) hurt. It reminded her of how much better he could do, and how much she wished that fact weren't true. But he could do better. He could find someone that wasn't afraid to feel something for him, someone who didn't have to worry about their family hurting him.

      But then she remembered how human she felt around him, something she had been lacking in her life. All that surrounded her was sadness, murder, and hate. When she was with him, all of those things dissipated. She was just a girl who liked a boy.

      It was then that she decided, in the simplest term, to screw it. Screw everything that was wrong. Screw the fact that Bellatrix Lestrange was her godmother and that her father was recruiting her brother into becoming a Death Eater. Screw the fact that she was supposed to be avoiding the boy in front of her. Screw everything except for what she was feeling, right now.

      "Do me a favor," she interrupted him, cutting his speech short. She ignored the angry glare he sent her as she gave a small smile. "Shut up already, Weasley," she muttered, and her hands flew up to the back of his neck to bring his head down towards hers.

      This kiss was even better than the first, since there wasn't the pressure of mistletoe hanging over them. Nova felt the familiarity of his chapped lips and tried not to smile when she felt his hands flail around, not seeming to register the fact that she was kissing him. Finally, they settled on her shoulders, and just when she thought he was going to push her away, tell her she was being stupid, ask her what the hell she was doing, he pulled her closer.

      Nova felt it. Her pulse thumped, singing in happiness as her hands pulled him to her even more, which seemed impossible considering how close they were, but his head loomed closer and she continued kissing him, their lips moving together in a moment of blissful peace. In this moment, with his lips on hers, she was just a teenage girl with a teenage boy who she really wanted to kiss. His hands moved to her waist, hers moved to his hair, fisting in the red strands as they kissed and kissed and kissed. Nova realized with a jolt that she never wanted this moment to end, a sensation she'd never before felt. Her mouth parted against his and he froze, unfamiliar with how to properly kiss back. She couldn't stop the laugh that escaped from her throat as she pulled away, hands still tangled in his hair while his still rested on her waist.

      "Er... um..."

      Nova sent him a small smile as he tried to formulate words, pulling her body away from his grip. "I'll see you later, Weasley," she said, her voice soft. Like she'd ruin the moment if she spoke loudly. "I promise." And with a quick wave, she was off, walking in the direction of her common room and leaving him feeling more confused than ever.

      "What're you smiling about?" Bulstrode asked when Nova made her way into the dorm. Parkinson was, thankfully, absent from the room and Nova flopped onto her bed, unable to keep the smile off her face. It must have been some sight, Nova Nott smiling.

      "Nothing, Bulstrode. Mind your business," Nova replied, turning over so she was facing away from her nosy roommate. When she was sure Bulstrode could no longer see her, she buried her face in her pillow and let the grin she had been holding in consume her.

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hahaha y'all thought i wasn't going to make your pain and suffering worthwhile c'mon