I'm hungry, really. All the excitement, all the anticipation and anxiety enhance my hunger. I think this is the reason why I'm walking faster than usual. That and because I really want to meet Archie. There are many things I want to ask him and yes I agree with H, I don't want to ruin to the surprise so I won't ask for his name. He's doing all this for me, to make this day special, why should I ruin all his effort? I want to collect every letter and get his name and finally meet him. I'll ask Archie other trivial things.

Along to my fast steps the smile stays on my lips thinking that I'm closer to meet him, to figure out his name and to finally put a face to the person who has given me a push to keep going. It's not like he's made my life better or solved all my problems, not at all, he's just made things more bearable. He's helped. But no one can cure me, not even myself. This condition is something I'll have to live with forever. All I can do is to be strong and try my hardest. It's less difficult when you have people supporting you, but I insist, it's never easy.

When you have people who care about you, who actually worry and try to help, even if they can't, you feel a wee by lighter because you remember you're not alone, although most of the time you feel like that. You know no one will ever really understand and you don't even expect them to understand anymore, but you welcome their love. Even if you take it for granted most of the time. It's no that I'm ungrateful or anything, it's just that sometimes I can't manage to figure out how to say what I have to say or do what I need to do.

Having one person who loves you unconditionally is a blessing. Moni always says I'm so lucky for the mother I have, because my mum is always worrying about me, always looking after me. Mum cares about all the little details, but not all mothers are like that. Moni always says she envies me so much for that, because she would give everything to have that kind of relationship with her own mum. I have my mother, and no matter how many times we fight, I know she's always there for me. I have my friends, Mila, Moni and Havi, and I know they love me, too. And now I feel I have also this post-it boy who cares enough to make all this for me, someone who remembers the fact I'm vegetarian.

I giggle at the memory and how he managed to get that information.

One of the hardest things for me is describing who I am without completely destroying me. I've been told that I don't know who I am because I'm incapable of telling others who Macarena is. If someone asks me to list my flaws I could fill pages. If someone asks me to list virtues I would spend days thinking but not coming up with anything.

H forced me to do both.

•••

We had been exchanging notes for around four months already. It was a routine and if I missed a post-it he would really worry. As I didn't want him to worry I always did my best to get out of my house and pick his note. At some point the notes stopped being general and became always addressed to me. They started with "Maca" and that made me feel responsible for them. Until then we had been exchanging opinions, encouragement and gratitude. Some information about ourselves was also shared but not that often. I started to wonder more about him because I wasn't satisfied with what I knew about him. I felt already attached but I still didn't know his name or his favourite colour. Not that it mattered, but it was an expression.

One sunny day in the middle of September my stranger surprised me with a note that was like taken from my mind.

Maca:

We've been chatting for four months yet I don't know that many things about you. Wanna play a game to change that?

Each day for one week you have to leave a post-it with a virtue and a flaw. I'll do the same.

Shall we play?

I pondered my options. I could always refuse because why would I share my flaws with someone who was being so nice? I didn't want to ruin his opinion on me, but if I refused he would be disappointed, right? I didn't want that, either.

A virtue and a flaw each day for a week. Seven flaws, that was easy. Seven virtues? Not so much. How could I say seven nice things about me when I didn't even like the person I was? But I did want to know those things about him, the good and bad, the things that made him real.

That was what pushed me to make the decision.

Deal, but you start (;

I left the note that evening and went home, wondering what I would find the next day.

The next day I woke up early without the need of my alarm even though I was in a break from uni. I got ready and left home as I fought the excited smile on my lips. My steps were short and quick, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to find that post-it and see what he would share with me.

Maca:

Well, I guess it's only fair since I was the one who came up with the idea. Here we go.

I'm considerate, I care loads about people. However, I'm too naïve and people tend to take advantage of my good intentions.

Now it's your turn! (:

And that was when things got complicated because finding a flaw was a piece of cake, however, finding a virtue took me the whole morning. Yes, the whole morning! No good characteristic felt truthful to me. If I thought of something I felt like I was lying.

His two qualities were related. His kind heart got him in troubles because he was naïve. I could follow that pattern.

Okay, this is very hard but I'll try.

I'm obsessive, I can't just like something, I have to obsess over it. And that makes me dedicated to the things I love. I guess that's a good thing, right? -Maca

I knew I couldn't fail at that game, but somehow it felt like I did when I left the note. I was about to go back many, many times and just rip it apart and try something different. But I didn't. That had to count.

The next day I was even more nervous because I didn't know how he would react. That day I woke up later because the night before was a difficult one. I couldn't fall asleep thinking of all the worst-case scenarios. I spent hours tossing and turning, trying to come up with the next virtue but just listing flaws in my mind.

For a while we had been sticking our notes differently, more hidden and less vulnerable to the whether conditions. The notes couldn't be easily found unless you looked for them and that gave me a bit of piece of mind, but still my tummy was on a tight knot.

That's totally a virtue, Maca. A good one. Dedication can lead to great things.

Anyhow, today I share: I'm a very positive person, to the point it annoys others. I'm gullible, though. I always fall for all the pranks, which makes me the favourite target.

I hope you're not laughing. I'm waiting for your reply (:

For some reason after reading that post-it I laughed. I imagined a guy being constantly pranked, even lame pranks like a phone calls, and he totally buying it. Like a friend telling him he needed money to get out of some problem and he running to help just to be told 'got ya!' Sure that was a flaw, but I thought it was very cute.

I replied with the following:

Well, I hope you don't get into too much trouble when people prank you. Tell them to be nice.

Contrary to you, I'm very pessimistic and I have a hard time seeing the positive side in things, especially when it comes to me, which saves me from people trying to take advantage of me with flattery. I just don't fall for that -Maca

The next morning I was anticipating the next one, a new bit of his personality to unfold. Even if the game was hard for me, I was finding out new things about him and that was an amazing reward.

Maca, I should learn a bit from you. But I like seeing the good in people, I can't help it, I'm a dreamer and I hope things will be fine. But being like this is quite painful, yet I can't give up on society. I guess you can say I'm stubborn.

Before I replied to that one specific post-it I stayed on that bench, thinking. Having hopes, whatever the kind, is always risky, because when these are crushed the fall is so painful. I could understand his words and in that moment I wanted to protect him, to bring him back to reality so he wouldn't get hurt the next time.

My friends say I'm caring and I guess it's true because I would like to protect you from getting your hopes crushed a next time. But I don't know how I could help you, I'm a slacker most of them time. I always want to do things but I don't actually get to do them -Maca

I left that day feeling heavy with concern and that surprised me because I didn't notice until then how much I cared about this stranger, this boy whose name was still an enigma for me.

Even if it's something small, Maca, it makes a difference. By wanting to help you are already doing something. It's like I know I won't save the world by recycling, but I still do it because I know it still helps. But I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I still buy those things that I know harm the environment :(

I replied to that one, noticing how natural it felt talking to him like this. It felt like he was there next to me on that bench, just with a bit of delay. I felt him closer than ever in the four months we had been exchanging notes.

I'm the same, for instance I know I won't save all animals from suffering, yet I'm still a vegetarian. At least I won't take part of that injustice. Yet I still have some leather shoes. I think we all are a bit hypocritical -Maca

The next day he replied with something that made me think the whole day.

You're right, Maca. But I'm a fighter, I'll always try to do something about the things I don't like. But sometimes I get so carried away with the big plans that I forget the present.

During that day I thought about the big things and I questioned myself. I questioned my actions and I felt embarrassed because I never actually fought for those big dreams.

I wish I could find the motivation to do things, but I can't seem to do so. I'm never motivated. But I still dream, I still hope things can change for me. I just wish things were easier -Maca

I didn't think, not even once, that I would end up telling him that. It wasn't a secret, but I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. But at the same time I wanted to share that with him, I just didn't know why.

Motivation is hard to find, but I've discovered that it's easier to feel motivated when you actually do something, even if it's unrelated. I like doing things, whatever it is. I'm always moving, meeting people and butting in. I'm a meddler, I guess :p

I chuckled at that post-it because I totally believed him. What kind of guy leaves post-it with encouraging phrases just to make people happy? What kind of guy keeps exchanging post-its with a girl that has so many flaws as myself?

But you do it out of your good heart, so I guess it's okay. I, on the other hand, have never done something to make people happy just for the sake of doing it. I just live my life selfishly. Yet I still donate when I can and support good causes, so I guess I'm not that cold-hearted after all -Maca

The next day I woke up feeling a bit sad because I knew it was the last day exchanging these kinds of notes. Although I was so insecure at first, I quite enjoyed it at the end and I was going to miss it.

Not at all, Maca. I can tell you have a big heart and your friends are right, you are caring. My friends say I'm a nice guy because I'm always there for them and I like to believe them. I like to think I'm reliable. But I'm also childish, I know that, bordering immature.

Yes. I also totally believed that, from the reliable to the childish part. I believed it wholeheartedly.

Well, I'm super insecure so even when my friends say nice things about them I have a hard time believing them, which must make me look like a brat. But I appreciate their kind words and love, I appreciate my friends and they are super important to me. When I love someone, I give my heart to them -Maca

And after I left that post-it I felt that sadness weighting in on me. I knew we would keep exchanging notes, but it wouldn't be the same game. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know that person who had made me smile and who gave me a little sparkle of happiness even in the dark days. I wanted the boy who made me list seven virtues.

I was a bit wary to find the post-it the next day, yet I still went for it.

Maca... I hope you realised what we did this week. You said something nice about yourself every day, but also a bad thing. That's the point. We are made of virtues and flaws. We are never a list of just bad things. There's always more, even if it's hard to find. I'm glad you shared those things with me. Now I hope you keep saying one positive thing about yourself every day, it'll help you (:

I promised that day I would try.

•••

Even today I still try to do it, to say a good thing about myself but I can't always accomplish it. Yet I try and H was right, it does help a bit. It doesn't solve all my problems, but it reminds me of his words that are true. We are a collection of flaws and virtues and I can't focus only on one side. It's unfair.

I stop my train of thoughts when I notice I've arrive to the restaurant. I was so focused remembering how I ended up telling H about me being vegetarian that I didn't even notice how I managed to get here. Now it's finally time to meet his best mate.

I'm ready.

-:-:-

I'm sorry I didn't update before althought you got the votes yesterday. I just been so busy! But the chapter if longer than usual. I hope that compensates tardiness. Can we have 370 votes for the next chapter? Hopefully, it'll give me more time :D

Dedication to @AberrantHope

Bel, xx

PS: Remember you can follow me on twitter @BelWatson and feel free to ask for a follow back if you want.