Hashirama respected my wish to be alone, and didn't contact me. There was one awkward moment where we had met, at a staff party thrown by the architect who was also my employer. I hadn't thought about it, but of course Hashirama would be there as well.

I panicked when I saw him, and saw he was handsome as ever and looked healthy. He had cut his hair so it reached his shoulder blades instead of his waist, and it was done in a razor-sharp line instead of its usual drop-shape. It suited him. He was talking to some young, tall men that looked Scandinavian. 

I didn't know if I should say hi, ignore him or run away. But he solved that problem for me as he caught my eyes and raised his champagne glass in a toast. I looked down with a blush, and had to admit to myself that seeing him talking to other men hurt.

And it seemed as if seeing me talk to others hurt him as well, as every time I looked up to search for him, he was already there with his gaze, looking over with a sorrowful expression on his beautiful fucking face. Although when he realised I was looking at him, his face changed and he just smiled.

Then, just like that, he was gone. Had had left the party without saying goodbye to me.

"Madara! Catch!"

"Ouff!" I huffed as a glass bottle of strawberry soda was thrown at me. "You can't throw things at me! You know I can't catch them!"

"What were you daydreaming about?"

I shrunk down in my oversized T-shirt.

"Nothing."

My friend came over to our group and sat down after having given me my soda, and opened his own Vanilla Coke. It was a scorching hot day, and while my other male friends were frying themselves in the sun, I was in the shade of a parasol.

"Come on, you can tell us."

I knew it was true. My male friends from work were a blast, and I trusted them immensely. We had all taken our summer holidays in the middle of July to travel abroad together, and we had enjoyed ourselves a lot. Now, we were at our local beach, trying to soak up the last of summer together.

"Is it that man?" Vanilla Coke asked.

I nodded.

"I think I'll go for a swim", I said. "To cool down."

"I'll join you", Vanilla Coke said.

He did, and the cool of the water was welcome after the heat of land.

We didn't talk, just swam out until our feet couldn't reach the bottom anymore, which happened sooner for me as I was shorter.

"Tell me", Vanilla Coke urged. 

I did. I hadn't told anyone about my ex or Hashirama before, but now, I eased my heart. I told him everything, including the abuse and seeing Hashirama with my ex.

"Shit", Vanilla Coke said. "What are the odds?"

"I know", I said.

"Do you still want him? This Hashirama guy, I mean, not your abusive asshole of an ex."

"I don't know", I said honestly. "And even if I knew I did... I don't know, it's been so long. What if he has someone else?"

"Would you rather live your entire life not knowing, or to just find out?"

"To just find out", I said without a moment's hesitation, which surprised me. "But there's something else..." Vanilla Coke waited patiently. I took a deep breath. I had never told anyone what I was going to say next, not even Hashirama. "The day I met my ex for the first time, the abusive one, I was at a bar. There, I saw this bartender... I know this will sound stupid, but I felt there was an instant connection between us. Then, my ex came and bought me a drink, and I never had the chance to talk to him. But my thoughts have kept coming back to the bartender whenever I experience hardships in my life. I imagine my life with him, that is always an easier one than the one I have been given. I know it's stupid", I repeated, feeling the need to defend myself. "Maybe, he would have been even more abusive."

But my friend didn't seem to think I was stupid at all.

"Do you remember which bar?" he asked.

"Of course!" I said.

"Okay. Here's what we'll do. Tonight..."

At first when he told me his plan, I refused.

But soon, I realised it was the only way for me to get closure. 

"Ready?"

I smiled at my friend, who I couldn't help but think scrubbed up quite well in a shirt. It was a shame he was straight, and the only other in our group who liked men was not my type. 

"Yeah..."

It was the first time I went to the bar since the day I met my ex. I had thought I would be hit by a wall of bad memories as soon as I stepped in, but when I saw the beautiful and colourful glass lamps lightening up the wooden walls, heard the noisy atmosphere created by conversing people, and felt the wonderful scent of fries, I didn't feel much at all. It was just a bar, although perhaps a bit fancier than most.

My heart lurched as I saw a bartender behind the desk, but I soon realised it wasn't him. It was someone blonde.

We went to the desk and sat down. I ordered cherry coke with vodka and Vanilla Coke ordered Vanilla Coke. We sat down quietly with our drinks for a while before Vanilla Coke nudged me.

"Come on! Stick to the plan!"

It wasn't really a full-blown plan, to be honest, but I didn't want to upset Vanilla Coke by pointing that out, who seemed to be quite excited about the whole situation. 

I put two fingers to my forehead.

"Ay-ay, Skipper!"

Vanilla Coke went to the bathroom to leave me alone. I cleared my throat, and the blonde bartender came over while drying a glass with a towel.

"What can I help you with?" he asked kindly.

"Umm... Do you know... It was a long time ago, but does a man with brown hair work here?"

"Sorry, no", he said with a sad smile.

Sorry, no. That was it, then. As easy as that. My heart sank. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel some relief. What would I have said? 'I use to fantasise about being married to you when I felt down'? Obviously not.

"But maybe..." I looked up when the blonde spoke again, and saw he looked as if he had just remembered something. "There was a guy with brown hair who worked here a few years ago. Skinny, tall, short hair?"

I lit up.

"Yes!"

"That's Hashirama!"

He said it carelessly. Of course he did. How could he have known that name could turn my entire world upside down?

"I'm sorry, what?" I said stupidly.

"Hashirama. Freelance photographer. Worked here for a year or so when photography work was sparse. Kindest guy. So sad we lost him. Some customers only came here because of him. He always listened to those who had nobody else to talk to."

That's my Hashirama, all right.

And suddenly, when I remembered how the bartender looked, I felt like an idiot for not having realised sooner. 

"Madara?" It was Vanilla Coke who had come back from his bathroom trip. I had sort of forgotten he was there. "Are you all right?"

"I..." I chugged down my Cherry Coke with vodka. "I need to go."

I sat down on a bench with my face in my hands. Vanilla Coke had a hand on my back. When I told him what had happened, he became speechless.

"What a mess", he said. "What a Goddamn mess. Although a beautiful one."

"What do I do now?" I wailed and looked up at him.

Vanilla Coke looked at me as if he believed I had lost my wits.

"You go to Hashirama, of course! Talk to him! I bet he misses you like crazy!"

I looked down again while Vanilla Coke started fiddling with his phone. One part of me wanted to forget about Hashirama completely. The other part wanted to go to him now. I didn't know which part was the strongest. I didn't know which part I wanted to be the strongest.

"Look at this!" Vanilla Coke said, handing me his phone. "I googled a little. Looks like this is your lucky day!"