Porgmania

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.....

The fearsome First Order encountered....

PORGS

Kylo snapped out of his meditation when he heard the sound of pitter-patter and soft cooing. Such sounds were strange, to say the least since you wouldn't normally hear them on a Star Destroyer, especially a Star Destroyer belonging to the First Order. The newly crowned Supreme Leader frowned as he looked around for anything unusual. The light in his chambers was slightly dimmed but not so much that you wouldn't be able to distinguish an intruder from the furniture. Kylo reached out with the Force but it was difficult to distinguish between life signs on such a populated ship. However, he found none but himself in his chambers.

Kylo was sure he was hearing small footsteps. He was quite certain that it couldn't be a Force vision since well..... Why in kriffing hell would the Force send him these sounds? He couldn't call just anyone to verify it. Stormtroopers talked even if they pretended they didn't. If it turned out to be nothing then gossip of this would spread like wildfire. So Kylo did the only thing he could think of. He called Hux.

"Ren do you know how late it is?!" Hux growled as he stepped into Kylo's room after receiving the call. "Not only am I dealing with the fallout of Crait I also have to keep those old bloodhounds at bay!"

"Hux, do you hear that?" Kylo asked as he ignored the General's latest rant.

"You've lost your mind, haven't you?" Hux raised a brow as he stared at his supposedly new boss with unveiled contempt. "You call me in the middle of my rest cycle to.... Hear something?!"

"I'm not joking. I think we have a rodent problem." Kylo shot back.

"Then contact Maintenance," Hux grumbled. "I don't see why you had to summon me for this."

"They'll think I've gone mad if I tell them I heard cooing!" Kylo retorted as Hux was about to take his leave.

"Supreme Leader..." Hux said and made the title sound like an insult. "They already think you are a few planets short of a solar system."

With that said Hux walked back out of the room leaving a baffled Kylo staring at automatic closing doors. The pitter-patter and cooing continued and Kylo just knew he wouldn't have a good night's sleep.

The sounds continued for the next few days as Kylo barely got any sleep. He was moody, well he was moodier than usual and people nearly cleared the corridors when they saw him coming lest they find out just how fast a lightsaber can cut through a person and the wall behind them.

General Hux was on the bridge overseeing his shift when Kylo marched in. Many officers stopped to stare and then quickly diverted said stare when eye contact was made. "What can I do for you Sir?" Hux's eye twitched as he addressed Kylo, having made the honorific sound like a deadly insult.

"I have barely slept!" Kylo hissed furiously.

"That seems to hardly be my problem. The med bay has everything you might need," Hux responded before turning back to his datapad.

"I'm serious. There are rodents on this ship!" Kylo said. "And maybe a thief too."

"Oh?" This got Hux's attention. "Tell me who would be brave enough to steal from the Supreme Leader. I must award them a medal and probably a promotion."

"Hux! I can't find my pen, my cowl is missing and today someone has stolen my lightsaber!" Kylo exclaimed frustratedly.

"Wait..... Wait....." The normal serious General had to take a moment to stop, stare, and then asked: "Someone managed to steal your lightsaber?!" Hux then proceeded to burst out in guffaws startling the bridge crew far more than the looming and menacing Supreme Leader. "Forget a promotion! If I find this thief they are getting their own Kingdom!" This just got Kylo even more frustrated. The Supreme Leader, seeing that his General was having the time of his life right now at his expense, marched out of the room, with no cowl to look even more menacing.

Mitaka, who was seated next to an equally Umano, looked at the exchange in wonder. The fact that Kylo Ren without the cowl looked better was left unsaid. The fact that General Hux bursting into uncontrolled laughter was scarier than facing a Rancor was even more left unsaid. The fact that the General didn't get choked by the frustrated Supreme Leader was a near miracle.

The news of the stolen lightsaber made its way across the ship before lunch. Kylo was afraid of this. The ship's gossip mill worked even better than the Stormtroopers' aim. It was only a day later however that they got to the bottom of it all.

The morning started out with Hux barging into Kylo's rooms while looking ready to kill him. "I thought we had a deal to avoid assassinations in our respective chambers," Kylo stated.

"Where is my shoe?!" Hux shouted and then Kylo noticed that the General was only wearing one of his boots. "Is this some weird attempt at getting me back for laughing at your missing lightsaber?!"

"I didn't steal anything of yours!" Kylo shot back. "If I wanted to get you in line I can do more than simply slam you into a bulkhead!"

"Then where is my shoe?!" Hux exclaimed. "You're clearance is just as high as mine! So you're the only one that can even get in my rooms!"

"I don't know!" Kylo growled and his hand twitched. A mug from the counter flew against the wall. "But I doubt your shoe is very hard to find with the way you polish it daily!"

Hux's eye twitched in ire again before he marched out of Kylo's room without another word.

The General had marched down the corridor, semi-bootless, raising some attention from passing Stormtroopers. It was frankly humiliating for Hux to even request, not a pair, but one boot from the requisitions officer. It was then that Hux heard some very interesting news.

After another failed afternoon of meditating Kylo left his room to find more than the normal amount of Stormtroopers crowded in the corridors.

"What is going on here?" Kylo asked the nearest trooper who saluted.

"General's orders sir. We are to sweep every nook and cranny of this ship." The trooper answered. "There are rumors of a Resistance spy among us."

This was the first Kylo heard of it but he didn't let it show. Instead, he dismissed the trooper and made his way to the bridge where he was sure to find the General.

"A Resistance spy huh?" Kylo asked as he came to stand next to Hux on the bridge. "Quite an interesting tale."

"What else could it be?" Hux responded. "You claim vermin but really. What vermin would know to steal your saber?"

"What spy would steal your boot?" Kylo shot back causing Hux to sputter.

"It can't be vermin!" Hux retorted more fiercely now. "Several of our systems today were compromised. The technicians concluded sabotage. Our engines nearly failed this morning!"

"Why wasn't I informed?!" Kylo hissed as his eyes narrowed.

"Because I wouldn't be a General if I can't handle something like this!" Hux shot back. "My men will find the one responsible!"

"I told you days ago that I heard something." Kylo continued. "I can't pinpoint anything because of too many life signs but I know I heard something."

"Well, my men are sweeping the ship corridors. If there is anything they will find it."

"Unless it's not in the ship's corridors." Kylo suddenly realized. "What if it's in the conduits?!"

"Oh come on! No spy would be insane enough........ They couldn't possibly fit!" Hux stopped mid-sentence before turning to a nearby officer and ordering them to get the Stormtroopers to search the conduits.

Kylo looked very smug as Hux was finally starting to listen to him. No sooner had Hux ordered the search when the lights went off. The entire bridge and probably the whole ship was now without power. They were drifting dead in space and quite an easy target.

"OH FOR KRIFFING HELL!" Hux could be heard shouting and Kylo would have loved to see the frazzled General if only he had a light. "Someone get the backup systems running!"

"The backup systems aren't responding," Mitaka announced and then gulped because even if it was pitch black he could feel Hux's burning stare. If that wasn't bad enough the klaxons started blaring next.

"What is it now?!" Hux exclaimed.

"We don't know sir." A technician answered. "We have no systems online."

There was some shoveling and then there was a heavy thud and some groaning. "General while I like your enthusiasm this is hardly the time to be straddling me," Kylo said as he found himself on the ground, having something collide into him, trip him and then fall on top of him. He figured that he and Hux must be in some sort of awkward and possibly compromising pose and for once he was glad that nothing really was working.

"Shut up Ren and help me up," Hux growled as Kylo felt him scrambling off of himself. "If you want a job done right then do it yourself."

"So you're going to go crawling in the conduits when there is almost no light?!" Kylo raised a brow but no one could see it.

"Of course not! You are!" Hux shot back as some scrambling officers managed to manually open the bridge door.

"Me?!" Kylo grumbled as he grabbed onto something that he thought was Hux. It wouldn't do for the Supreme Leader to lose his General after all.

"It was your idea to check the conduits after all." Hux shot back as he led the way. The troopers had illuminated the hallways with the light on their blasters. It wasn't much but it was better than nothing.

"Oh hell no! You're coming with me!" Kylo shot back as he grabbed a firm hold of Hux then.

That was how some of the most powerful men in the First Order were found crawling through narrow conduits.

"You gotta admit..." Kylo observed. "These things do go all over the ship and we hardly notice them."

"Ren will you shut up. You may be the Supreme Leader now but the last four hours in these conduits have given me a very good reason to stab you...... repeatedly." Hux muttered.

"Well, you might have your chance," Kylo said. "I'm stuck."

"How can you be stuck?!" Hux asked as he turned the lantern around to look at Kylo. They had just entered a smaller part of the conduits and with Kylo's bulk, he almost immediately found himself stuck at that part. Obviously he wasn't looking where he had been crawling. Hux had a smaller frame so the change in size didn't affect him that much.

"You go on without me," Kylo uttered.

"Oh, I plan to," Hux said under his breath as he continued crawling. Hux, however, didn't have to crawl long to find the problem. "Oh, you have to be kriffing kidding me?!"

"WHAT?!" Kylo shouted from further back.

"I found your lightsaber! And my boot!" Hux replied, "but you'll never guess who took them!"

"Forget guessing! Just kill them and get me unstuck!" Kylo grumbled.

"I might have to rethink the killing," Hux murmured.

In the end, after the power had been restored and the culprit caught both Kylo and Hux ended up back in Kylo's room with the stolen items which included not just their own but also various stuff from Stormtroopers, including two helmets.

"I will get an officer to return all of these," Hux said as he glared at the culprits.

"I just can't believe that its....... Just how did they even get on the ship?" Kylo asked while nursing an oncoming headache.

"My best guess would be when you either let the girl onboard or when we raided the base on Crait." Hux responded while still glaring. On the floor of Kylo's room sat four Porgs. A mother, father and two babies. They had made a nest of ship wires and Kylo's cloak and various other knickknacks. The Porgs looked up at both Kylo and Hux with their large innocent eyes while flapping their wings slightly. Hux had found the mother and the babies in the nest but catching the father had proved somewhat difficult. It resulted in a chase from the Stormtroopers in a dimly lit corridor, with the Porg winning.

"Dispose of them," Kylo ordered but Hux had that all too familiar smirk on his face again.

"I don't know Supreme Leader. I have taken somewhat of a liking to them." The General said without batting an eye. "They proved good training for the Stormtroopers. We need some variety."

"They nearly destroyed the ship!" Kylo grumbled.

"But they didn't," Hux retorted. "If we give them a proper nest we might be able to use them."

"You can't be serious!" Kylo exclaimed then.

"I might even keep one as a pet," Hux added for his own amusement. "If it annoys you then I like it."

Epilogue

It was nearly two months later when Kylo and Hux had had the 'Porg incident'. Hux's idea to use them for Stormtrooper training proved to be too much. The ship once again came close to a standstill when they let those bird-things loose.

Now however the ship was thankfully Porg-free and Kylo let out a relieved breath. He had had many good nights of sleep afterwards and could meditate normally now. Who knew such little creatures could distract him.

Today he sat on the newly made throne while awaiting a conference call with several of the Generals from the old Empire. This call would solidify his rule.

Kylo was just sitting there bored out of his mind waiting for the holocall when something caught his eye. There, in the throneroom covered in grey was a Porg. The pitter-patter of its tiny legs past Kylo's throne was heard as an echo. Kylo swallowed and then looked towards one of his Knights who was also watching the curious little creature.

"Get Hux," Kylo ordered. "Tell him, they're back."

AN: This is the result of a bored Harrypanther, a Tipsy Vala, Star Wars plot debates and a copious amount of Porgs.

AN2: This author is now contemplating buying a very large Porg plushie.