I had once been emotionally and physically numb. That year I spent in rehabilitation, days would go by when I thought I would live this life of depression forever. I didn't eat. There was no escaping. I was drowning in a pit of depression.

But here I stand today. Admiring the sky and sea – admiring life in general. There is a piece of driftwood seemingly washed up on shore. I can't help but compare that piece of wood to my life. The wood was living a steady existence on dry land before it found itself drowning. However, it eventually made its way back to shore.

It survived.

Survival is an interesting term; survival is the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically despite an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstance. Survival doesn't necessarily mean happiness. I often find myself wondering if I merely figured out a way to exist or survived and found contentment.

I like to believe it is the latter.

Despite the challenges I faced, one thing I know for sure is that with the help of my brother and the support of those around me I have taken a positive control of my life. I am the best person I can be.

While I would gladly change the regretful decisions, I made in my teenage years; I feel blessed that the challenges I faced as a child made me a stronger person than I could have ever been had I not undergone these hardships.

It taught me to be internally motivated.

In case you are wondering, I do still think of him.

It took me a long time to accept that he was not to blame. I was so intent on finding a person to fault for my depression– and he was an easy target. He was no longer a part of my life likewise; my brother didn't like him.

But now I know, that there is nobody to blame.

He made me the happiest I had ever been in my teenage years. He aided my family when we were poor and at our lowest. He gave me an education.

He was not a bad guy.

He was a good guy who just made a bad decision that one night – after that, any fault can only lay within my hands.

He was the small glimmer of light when I was drowning and consumed by darkness. He is a treasured memory for when I had lost all faith in my mother, and I had lost my friends I knew deep inside – that he always cared.

The beach has always been my favourite place. But now I know why.

For when you are caught in a rip, and you lay floating on that water thinking that all hope is lost. Then the sea brings you back to shore.

Survival.

---

Harry's teeth were chattering, his hands shaking as if he were having a seizure, eyes streaming tears like a river, shivers running up and down his spine, feet freezing like snow, nose running, nipples hardening from what he read..

Harry was the he.

His mind was anything but calm; he had questions, he had feelings, he was startled. Shakily his fingers flicked over the page. No, that could not be the last page of the novel.

He was only let down when he saw an empty page.

That could not be the end; he wanted to read how this was all a dream how Louis went on to live the life he deserved. How Jay turned out to be a kind soul, how Zayn never abandoned Louis from guilt, how Brock actually spoke to Louis again.

He wanted happiness for Louis – not just survival.

Lying on his side, he curled into a ball as he cried. His mind went over the chapters in the book, particularly the last page.

'He was the small glimmer of light'

Harry wants to be his large ray of sunshine – he wants to be his happiness.

---

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