i've not felt this in a while.
i was scared i'd forgotten,
but how could i ever?
i was reminded of you
again, feelings i kept
hidden even from myself
suddenly resurfaced
from the wave of moving
forward, always forward.

i find myself,
half asleep, earbuds in,
listening, just listening
to a song that meant a
little something once,
and suddenly i grasped
its meaning in entirety.

i find myself with
earbuds still in, but now
the quiet of one a.m. is
no longer peaceful, and
instead that aching void
inside pulls apart like
loose seams with trailing
threads. i am consumed,
lips scraped over teeth,
skin stretched over bone,
agony in the tearing
violence of this pain.

i am white in mind, blind,
my brain bleached numb
and i cannot find any
reason to stop, to stop
this ripping, screeching,
soundless grief, that pulls
me in and drags me out
of sleep.

there is no relief. just
this expanse of solitude,
alone beneath the duvet,
cold and sad and empty.
i ache to see you, to say
everything i wish i had
time to say, to hear all
that you might have said.

i ache to know you as you
really were, and love that
person even more than i
love you now. i suppose i am
a selfish being, but i have
said my part: i want to see
you, desperately, but i
don't know how.

i just don't know how.