"Numb the pain numb the pain numb the pain numb the pain numb the pain..."

___

"Royce! Royce, wait up, babe. Wait, where are we walking?"

She doesn't answer.

Here comes the rain.

"Royce!" Calum jogs to catch up with her quick steps, because Royce is cursing the fucking rain and her fucking mom and the fucking fact that she just can't seem to fucking get the fuck away from her.

He grabs her arm. "Roy--"

"What?"

It begins with a soft patter, droplets big and full as they hit Royce's upturned face. Her eyes are angry, but they're sad, too, and Calum doesn't know what to do or say as he stares at her, hands on her elbows. He doesn't really know what to do but wet his lips, tongue moving from the outsides of every one of his top teeth as the water falls, picking up the speed and fervor as they hit her nose and her chin and her cheeks and her angry, angry brows.

"Royce," he sighs, as she jerks from him.

"Leave me alone, Calum!"

She begins walking away.

He hesitates, as the rain picks up.

It's splattering hard and fast on his uniform. His jacket and his jeans and his button-up are all getting soaked as he watches her stalk away.

Until she picks up a jog.

"Royce!" He calls over the rain, because he should just let her go, right? He should just let his fuck buddy figure her own shit out on her own, shouldn't she?

But, he's jogging, now.

He's jogging, too.

It's raining.

It's really, really raining.

And yes, Royce is fast, but her legs are only covered by thigh-high socks with that skirt and her coat is in her locker because most of her shit is still at school.

She has no traction in her Keds and Calum has simply learned to do everything in Chuck Taylors.

"Royce, fucking--"

And this time, when he grabs her, he really grabs for her, pushing her now out of the rain and against a sign for a nearby corner store and pinning her against the wall.

They're shielded beneath the awning overhead.

"Don't fucking run away from..." And Calum's voice trails off and his eyes widen and his stomach sinks because Royce has her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.

She's crying.

Royce is crying.

"Holy shit, Royce," he says, shocked. Did he do that? Has he made her cry like this? She's crying, and Calum doesn't know what the hell to do because Royce Greene is too strong - the Royce Greene in his mind doesn't just cry in front of people. "Royce?"

She shakes her head, hands rubbing at the tears she can't stop from pouring from her eyes.

"Calum, just go."

He blinks, snapping himself from his trance.

And, he shakes his head. "No."

She throws her head back, tears streaming. "Calum," she whines. "Calum, please."

"I'm not leav--"

"Please? Please, just this once please, please, please just please listen to me?"

"I--" And he falters, because he wants to leave her if she doesn't want him, but his gut is telling him to stay.

He'd hate himself if he didn't stay.

So, Calum only shakes his head, and while Royce's fresh tears and her soft, "Jesus, Calum," breaks his heart, he feels like he's doing the right thing by being with her -- by being here, now.

"Royce," Calum repeats, softer now, as he slowly wraps his arms around her, pulling her against him.

Her forehead rests against his shoulder, and she cries against him.

"I'm not going," he whispers, "Sorry."

Royce doesn't speak. She's trying to get it together, as she stands with Calum beneath the awning of some little Seattle shop.

She's trying.

And she's starting to calm down, as the tall boy with his arms around her strokes her hair and rubs her back and kisses the top of her head.

"It's okay," he whispers, despite feeling awkward and unhelpful. "It's gonna be okay..."

She shakes her head. "I don't know that, unfortunately."

Calum doesn't know how to respond. For the love of God, he's seventeen with no idea how to comfort anyone, let alone a girl...let alone a girl he's trying not to fuck anything up with.

He's also confused as hell.

"Well," he says, "I know. I know it for the both of us."

Royce almost laughs. "Thanks, but," she sniffs, wiping at her eyes, "you don't even know the half of it."

He frowns. "That doesn't mean everything won't be okay."

"You sound like Tobe," she snorts. "With all your positivity and shit..."

"Somebody's gotta be the nice one outta the two of us."

She cracks a grin. "You're calling me the mean one, now?"

And Calum cups her face in his hands, his long fingers pushing hairs from her lips and tears from her eyes as he stares into her eyes and thinks there's no way someone as good as Royce deserves anything bad to happen to her.

"You're Poppy," he grins lightly, and although Royce only snorts and rolls her eyes, Calum squeezes her cheeks, puckering her lips. "I'm serious," he laughs, as Royce shakes her head.

"Stop," she exclaims. "You play too much, Calum."

"Only with you, Royce," Calum says, because the words were at the tip of his tongue anyway and here they go, tumbling out.

And at the sight of Royce's wide-eyed stare and her soft, "Calum..." He does what he never got tired of doing, anyway, and that was dipping his head, grinning to himself as he pressed his lips to Royce's.

His lips graze hers. "You're gonna be okay, y'know."

She shakes her head. "I really don't."

"You are, though," he whispers, thumb still caressing her cheek. "You are 'cause just because you curse a shit ton and skip class with me, you're probably like, the hardest working person I know."

Royce blinks.

"And good things happen to people like you," he continues," as he trails his thumb slowly down her bottom lip. "And good things just don't happen to bad people, babe."

___

Calum calls a car for the both of them, and it drops the two of them at her place.

Calum sits awkwardly as the car pulls up in front of Royce's house and clears his throat.

"Uh..." He begins, as the car is put into Park. "Here we are..."

Royce grabs for the door handle, pausing to face him. "Aren't you coming in?" She asks. Her brow is furrowed and her teeth are tugging at her lip. "I can wash your clothes and you can wear something of Chris's if you're good with that? My parents aren't home either if, y'know, you wanna stay?"

"Of course," he grins, happy that she hadn't wanted him to leave her because he hadn't wanted to leave her.

He follows her from the car. "Be extra careful with my clothes, though," he teases. "They're delicates."

"Delicates are underwear, Calum," replies Royce with a small sigh as she unlocks the door.

"I know," he replies.

"Then why'd you even--"

"Ah..Someone's smiling, isn't she?"

Royce turns, because now she's blushing.

He laughs happily, clapping his hands as he follows her up the stairs.

He sings softly. "I made Royce smile, I made Royce smile--"

"Oh my god, Calum," Royce exclaims, stepping inside and then closing the door to her bedroom, "Yeah. Congratulations. Now're you going to give me your clothes so I can wash 'em, or...?"

"Whatever you say, Poppy," he replies, shimmying out of his wet pants and pulling his wet shirt over his damp head.

Royce shakes her head, whispering a, "Calum..." before she takes his clothes and offers him a shirt and sweats of her brothers.

"If you need to shower, you can use mine," she says, and she holds up his damp garments. "I'll be right back."

Calum nods, watching her go. He watches her hurry off with the clothes; watching her attempt to keep herself busy.

And in that moment, Calum realizes something.

In that moment, Calum realizes that this is what Royce does. He realizes that Royce works hard and she doesn't stop working because that's the cop out, isn't it? It's easier to work hard and stay busy than it is to stay still and confront the things you're running from.

And Calum showers and exits the bathroom in Royce's brother's clothes -- which are all a bit too wide for him, despite fitting his tall stature -- and he feels pretty good about his observation.

For the first time, he realizes, he's pegged Royce and got something right.

And she steps into the shower after him, so as Calum waits, he lies on his back and ignores the texts coming through his phone, most likely his friends wondering where the hell he his, and he waits for Royce to get out of her shower.

The house is emtpy.

It's just the two of them, and Calum can hear Royce in the shower.

In his house, he'd have been able to hear the washer going, too.

Or, his mom in the kitchen. Or, his dad watching a game. Or, his sister in her room when she was home.

He can't in Royce's.

It's too big.

But, because it's big, each movement creates an echo when empty, and now, he can hear Royce's voice echoing in the shower. 'Best Thing I Never Had' by Beyoncé has just gone off, and Calum is surprised by the song change. He's surprised to hear Royce's voice carrying over the rushing water to 'My Paper Heart' by the All-American Rejects.

That was one thing that constantly surprised him about Royce. No matter what he continued to learn about her, it was her music taste that always shocked him. 

And it surprised him only because he found it to be so similar to his own. 

It surprised him that there were even similarities between them. It surprised him that he was here, sitting in Royce's room. It surprised him that his clothes were in his wash. It surprised him that they were skipping school and it surprised him that they weren't even having sex. 

As Calum's thoughts are all halted as Royce steps from the bathroom. 

He sits up.

"Fall Out Boy is better," he says.

She frowns, hair pulled into a bun, now. "What?"

"I heard you," he says. "I heard you listening to the All-American Rejects."

She grins softly. "And why are you comparing them to Fall-Out Boy?"

"Because they're better, of course."

She smiles. "I'm pretty sure Tyson would disagree, but," she shrugs, "y'know..."

"But," Calum smiles, tilting his head, "would he?"

Royce laughs. "I can't deal with you, Calum."

"Ah," he grins, reaching out and tugging on her PINK crewneck, "but, you're smiling again."

She shakes her head, not even trying to resist him as he tugs her his way. "I smile all the goddamn time."

But, Calum decidedly does not respond to that. Instead, he tilts his head backward, staring at the girl standing between his legs.

He's dragging the tips of his fingers lightly up and down the outsides of her thighs.

"Royce," he begins slowly, "you wanna talk about it?"

She frowns, turning away. "Talk about what?"

He lifts a brow.

Her frown deepens.

He pats the space on the bed beside him.

She groans. "Do we have to?"

"I mean..."

And Calum falters for a moment, because is she really that against talking to him? Did she really distrust him that much?

He shakes his head. She was gonna talk to him, dammit.

"Yeah," he says. "We do."

Royce groans again, louder now as she plops beside him on the bed.

"Thought you wanted me to smile," she mutters.

He grins, pulling her into his arms. "I do," he says, inhaling the smell of Royce and her shampoo and her body wash. "But, I also wanna know what's going on."

Royce blinks. "Nothing's going on."

He snorts. "And you say I'm the liar?"

Royce can't stop groaning. She pulls from Calum's arms and places her hands over her face and falls onto the mattress. "Ask me, then," she says.

Calum stares at her. "Ask you, what?"

"A question," she replies, slowly dragging her fingers from her face.

She stares up at him. "I know you've got 'em, so..." She swallows hard, the memories of today and the past seeming to flood her conscience all at once. "Go on. Ask."

Calum watches her expression closely. His voice is soft as he repositions himself on the bed beside her, laying down on his stomach, propping himself on his elbows.

"Was that your mom?"

Royce's eyes flash. "Yes."

Calum nods. "Okay."

"Okay?" Royce snorts. "Okay?"

"I mean," he shrugs, "you think I'm gonna push for information," he shakes his head. "I'm not. You're gonna tell me what you feel like telling me," he pouts, shrugging again. "So, why pressure you?" He laughs, blinking as he shakes his head, "You think I don't know who the fuck you are."

"Oh yeah?" She exclaims. "And who am I?"

"Whoa," he replies, eyes wide. "I'm not trying to fight with you, Royce--"

"Really? Really, 'cause you've got a real funny way of showing it, Calum."

"You keep secrets from me all the time!" He exclaims. "And here I am, and I'm trying not to push you into anything and you're still pissed?" He shakes his head. "Y'know, if I felt like pushing you, I'd tell you that you get pissed as fuck when I lie to you, but you don't give a shit about keeping secrets from me."

"How the hell are my personal problems related to you lying to me?"

"I dunno," he snaps. "But, they are! They are to me!"

"How?"

"They just...They just are! So sorry for giving more than a single, solitary fuck about you and how you fucking feel, 'cause it's not just about you, Royce--"

"She's my mom, Calum!" Royce exclaims, yelling over his outburst. "She's my real but fake-ass mom 'cause when she was with my dad, drugs were more important to her than raising me!"

And Royce's eyes are suddenly glossy and Calum suddenly shuts his mouth because, "What?" He whispers.

Royce squeezes her eyes shut. "My parents got married outta college because my mom got pregnant with Chris," she pulls a face. "But, my dad had gotten into medical school, and he didn't want to give up on his dream 'cause when I came along," she sighs, "I mean, he had to make money somehow, right?"

"I mean--"

"It was rhetorical," Royce shakes her head, grinning. "You don't have to answer that."

She lets out a deep sigh. "Anyway, my dad studied a lot. Like, as much as you'd expect being in med school, so there were a lot of times when he couldn't be around. So, there were times when we were with my mom, but, 'cause my parents hadn't been together long before my mo--before Dina got pregnant, my daddy didn't know that she'd been battling an addiction to painkillers while they were in college. With my dad busy always, or gone sometimes, and the stress of a family to raise, she turned to hard drugs.

"And my dad and my mom ended up divorcing, obviously, but it only happened after my mom actually left me and Chris at home by ourselves 'cause she'd run out of whatever she needed and decided, for the first fucking time, not to take us with her."

Calum blinks. "She left you?"

Royce nods. "Crazy, right?"

Calum can't fathom... "For how long?"

"Days," Royce whispers. "My dad came home, and..." She picks at her comforter, "He was so pissed. I'll never forget how pissed he was. Chris had burnt himself 'cause he was trying to use the oven."

She laughs a little. "We ate cereal for days."

Calum is trying to wrap his mind around this even pretending to be anyone's reality. "How old were you?"

"Three."

"What?"

She nods. "You know those really old memories you have? The ones that you just can't forget?"

He nods. "Yeah."

"That's one," she says. "That day. My dad got home and he kept running around the house. He was running around asking, 'Where's Mommy? Where's Mommy?' And Chris and I were crying 'cause we thought he was mad at us. We were all like, 'We don't know. We don't know?' And our dad was getting angrier and we were crying more and we didn't even realize that we weren't the ones he was mad at," Royce's eyes are still on her bedspread. "That night, my dad packed bags for all of us and for a while, we lived out of the car," she whispers. "We went with my dad to school and everything. We colored on blank paper while he took notes. It was like, a few weeks before we saw our mom again."

Calum is shaking his head, a scowl so deeply etched onto his face he can only stare across the room.

"We kept asking about her, though," Royce chuckles humorlessly. "We kept asking 'Where's Mommy? Why did Mommy leave? Why doesn't Mommy love us?' and when we finally saw her, she was screaming and yelling about our dad taking us away from her and not telling her, and he was yelling about her leaving us and how fucked up she'd become and he told her it was over. She was throwing things and cussing at him and Chris and I were crying 'cause we were there and--" Royce shakes her head, "My dad said he'd come back with the papers, and he took me and Chris and said it'd be a while before we'd see Mommy again, and..."

Royce clears her throat, "He made good on that promise.

"My dad got married again a few years later. My mom--my real mom, is my step-mom. Paige is my step-sister," she says. "Tobe's my half-brother. Chris is only my fully biological sibling."

"I--" Calum frowns, "I didn't even--"

"Most people don't know," Royce says. She smiles softly, "It's not really something we talk about."

"Royce, I--" Calum rubs the back of his neck. "I don't..." He falters for words. He can't imagine this happening. He can't imagine this being the way Royce lived when she was little and small. He can't imagine Royce not living in The Bluffs in this house with her mom and her dad for her whole life, and he's angry. He's sad and he's upset that this is how she had to live.

He can't...

He doesn't...

"Royce, I--"

"I know I keep secrets," she whispers. "But," she's still staring at her comforter, "most of the stuff I keep from people I don't like to think about, myself."

"I'm sorry," he says. "Honestly. Honestly, Royce, I didn't--"

"It's fine," she nods, slowly lifting her eyes to his. "Seriously, you didn't know."

"I know," he frowns, "it's just--"

"Calum," and she reaches out and takes his hand. "Seriously, Cal, it's okay."

"But it's not," he says. "You shouldn'tve had to go through that. You were a fuckin' kid for Christ Sakes'..."

She squeezes his hand. "This is why I don't tell people," she says. "I just..." And she lets out a breath, "I'd rather people not look at me and feel bad because of what happened."

"I know, and I'm not, I just..."

Royce smiles at him. "Thanks for listening. You're probably the first person I've told..."

"Me? I'm the only person who knows?"

"Outside of my family," she nods.

"And that's it?" He asks, eyebrows raised, because he's dying to know what happened after her dad left. He's dying to know why Dina's all of a sudden here, now. "There's like, got to be more to that story, though."

Royce's brow furrows. She looks away. "There is."

And despite his curiosity, Calum decides he isn't going to push her. He's not. This time, he says nothing, accepting the bits of her past that she's shared with him and feeling a weird mixture of sadness and pride at the thought of him being the only person she's told this story to.

And Calum stares at Royce and slowly slips his arms around her waist, pulling her against him. Honestly, a childhood like hers would have seriously fucked some people up, mentally and socially and...and, well, he's got this girl in his arms and she likes Yellowcard and swears by Beyoncé and gets straight-A's and hates rate of change and cheers for the football team and she's liked by the whole school and you'd have never guessed by looking at this girl that she'd gone through some shit and seen some things that most people would never ever go through and never ever see.

He holds her close and fits his head in the space between her neck and shoulder and closes his eyes and takes in this moment.

Because she's here with him.

And she wants to be. 

He thinks. 

He's pretty sure. 

Honestly, all Calum knows in this moment is that Royce doesn't need him for calc, and she isn't looking for him to fuck, and those two things together make him feel weird and kinda tingly. 

"Thanks for listening," she whispers again as she rests her hands on his arms. "I guess that actually felt kinda good to share."

He squeezes her tighter. "I meant what I said earlier, y'know."

Royce sighs. "About what?"

"You," he replies. "You being okay," he kisses her cheek. "'Cause you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay," and Calum is saying these words more as reassurance for his own peace of mind than hers, really. 

"Thanks."

"God," he sighs. "Jesus Christ, you're so fucking amazing, Royce, like...I know I tease you--"

"All the time?" She jokes quietly. "You're right."

"--but," he squeezes her tighter and she yelps. "But, I don't fucking care who knows or what anyone says because if you ever need to talk, or if you ever need anything, I...I dunno, I--"

"Calum?"

He pauses, not knowing where he wanted to even take his statement, anyway. "Yeah?"

Royce leans her head against his chest. "That sounds like something a friend would say."

"I--" Calum laughs. He nods, cheeks hot. "Yeah. It does."

___

guys where is frank ocean i miss him tell him i hope he's okay but also is he making music

novacane || frank ocean