****

"I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being me."

"I know, sweetie." 

"I'm so tired." Julia dryly admits.

******

*James*

I glance over at Nate who is starting to wake up. He groggily turns his head to see what's going on. We make eye contact, but he looks away, giving me the respect I need when he notices my swollen tear-filled eyes.

Hearing Julia say she's tired of her life makes Nate tilt his head back down into his pillow and shove his palms into his eye sockets to stop his own tears. I hear him sniff just as much as I am now. This isn't just about me and how I feel. This is affecting Nate. It's effecting everyone under this roof.

Nate's monitor goes off and he slams it hard, turning himself to the side to hide his face. 

Two grown men in their thirties brought to tears from one woman's words. We both know Julia should be in a facility, yet we both fight to keep her here. What the hell are we even doing?

This isn't the Julia either of us fell in love with. She's somebody else right now. She's beyond broken. I'd go as far as saying she's beyond suicidal. She's just numb. Here, but not here. Breathing but not living. Almost like someone on life support whose heart still beats but is no longer with us, and neither me nor Nate can pull the plug.

Nate rolls himself out of bed while holding on to his IV pole and makes his way to the bathroom. He locks the door but I can hear him cry and blow his nose. He takes a good fifteen minutes in there before he heads back out here. He gets in bed at the same time Paul buzzes Jonah back in.

The first thing Jonah does is head to this room to check on his patients. He stops at the threshold and knocks on the door frame before coming in. He can feel how thick the air is in here filled with emotion, but no one says anything. I continue to hold crying Julia and Nate continues to lay on his side and look away.

"Hate to be the party crasher on this uplifting event you three have going on, but Julia, I need to have a word with you. Privately." The nurse wastes no time in efforts to clear the air. I let go of Julia and move back to sitting in the recliner. Jonah helps her up and puts her in a wheelchair to be safe, wheeling her out of the room and closing the door behind them, once again leaving me stranded with Hollan.

"I don't know what to do." I mumble. Nate sits up and leans his back on the headboard.

"She's not going in a facility, Gallo." We stare at each other awkwardly for longer than needed.

"She's like a different person right now." I look at the closed door. "She's checked out, hasn't she?"

"You weren't here to see her when she flipped out. I'd take checked-out Julia any day over what she was like earlier. I'm still not letting anyone lock her away somewhere. That's not happening."

"How do we keep her safe... from herself?" I ask.

"We watch her like a hawk twenty four seven. Always on high alert no matter what. She's gonna switch moods quickly without giving anyone notice. We have to be ready for each mood."

I look at Nate and furrow my brows. "Sounds like you've been through this before."

Nate lets out a sigh.

"My eighteen year old sister is currently in the lock down unit of a hospital. I swear to fucking God, Gallo, if this leaks out I WILL murder you." He warns. "I've spent her entire life keeping her out of media attention. No one knows and if they find out now, I know it's from you. You got me?"

"I'd never say a word." I nod.

"Cara has Bipolar. James, Julia is JUST like Cara. She wasn't getting the care she needed in London so I flew her here to be closer to me. I pay out of pocket for her to live at The Avalon when she isn't being hospitalized."

"THE Avalon?? Shit, no one can afford that place. I can't... I.... there's no way." I lower my head, embarrassed to admit that. There's no way I could make that happen for Julia. I don't  have any money.

"Julia's not going there. I'm not letting that happen."

"But you just said..."

"I wasn't there for Cara, ok? I was on tour. I was traveling when things got bad. I had no idea what was going on. She resorted...."  He pauses. "She stopped taking her meds. She turned to drugs...Coke...Heroin." Nate says and I look at him in shock. Guess we all have our issues.

"You know none of that is your fault, right? You blame yourself for that shit, don't you? I can tell." I say to Nate.

"Therapy session's over, Galo. Just trust me. I know what I'm doing." Nate turns the TV back on and ignores me. I nod and get the hint. He's done talking.

*****

*Trisha*

I can't turn my brain off. I fucking head back to Nate's to check on him again. I should be going home and enjoying the comfort of my own quiet apartment but I can't. I can't with Nate here so upset and fucking Julia tearing apart his place. 

I enter his apartment and head straight to Nate's room. Stopping short when I hear the two men talking. Shit. He's talking about Cara. I can tell just by his voice he's about to cry again. 

I come waltzing in without knocking pretending I heard nothing, but ready to save Nate from the conversation.

"Hey, Hot Stuff." I look at James.

"Hey, I saw you were running low on your old man shakes so I grabbed you some more Ensures." I see the look of relief wash over Nate's face seeing me here.

"C'mon Playboy, you need a shower." He knows he really doesn't but also knows I'm trying to help him save face again.

"But I have all this shit... and Jonah is busy." He lifts up his hand with the IV and I also know about the incision. Both can't get wet but that doesn't stop me. I remember from mom and what I saw Jonah do earlier. I rummage though the supply bins, finding everything I need.

"Ahh, here we go. Why do you keep forgetting I had to take care of my mom? I know what I'm doing, Nate." I raise an eyebrow and head over to Nate with the waterproof bandage covers and tale. I unhook his IV and tape up his hand as well as his stomach. I go through his drawers and find him clothes that I put in the bathroom for him.

James keeps his focus on the tv now, watching whatever sports talk is going on. Nate gets himself into the wheelchair and we head to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind us. 

"Why are you really here?" Nate asks quietly while I adjust his shower heads. I know he hates when I do that but he'll get over it.

"I wanted to make sure she didn't murder anyone. I rely on you for paychecks, Hollan. I need another spa day real soon." I undress completely and stand Nate up, helping him take the clothes off his shaky body. 

"You can take all the spa days you want, doll."

"You ok Nate? For real?" I rest my hands on the sides of Nate's face and study him. He shakes his head without being able to speak and starts to cry. I knew it. I  suddenly relieved I decided to come back to check on him. He doesn't catch me off guard with his tears. I could tell he was on the verge of losing his shit. I nod and we walk into the shower together so he can hide his tears with hte water. I let him hide his face on my shoulder as the warm water from all the shower heads hit us both.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Nate lifts his head and wipes his face.

"You've been through a lot, Nate. You suffered a heart attack, blew through your GI Tract, in the middle of detoxing and everything is displayed for the world to watch on the damn news. On top of that you have to deal with your sister and her evil twin." I'm talking about Julia and he catches on. I wash and rinse my hair while talking then start washing Nate's.

"And they put you on that fucking Ativan shit. That's gonna mess with your emotions." I know all too well. I take it myself.. but not often. It was the first thing my doctor told me which is why I limit it to severe panic attacks. Usually caused by my job-Nate.

I help Nate rinse his hair and then move in close to her ear. "Just remember who you are. You're Nate fucking Hollan." I remind him.

"And I'm gonna make sure Nate fucking Hollan is gonna pull through this and come out stronger than he's ever been before, ok?" I nod and wait for him to do the same. He looks down at me with defeat but still gives me a little nod. It's all I need.

It's been awhile since Jonah and Julia have been in the guest room talking. Long enough for both mine and Nate's hair to dry completely. I helped Nate get dressed and  back on the IV. While we showered and I calmed Nate down, poor James fell asleep in the recliner. He must be exhausted. My heart breaks for him and I find myself staring at the peacefully sleeping man for longer than I should.

We let him sleep and I get Nate situated on the living room couch, propping him up with pillows then start making dinner for everyone. I love to cook. It gets my mind off shit and I don't cook much at home when it's just me. Fifteen minutes later and a pasta dinner is ready for whoever is hungry.

The door to the guest bedroom opens and Jonah comes out first, giving Jules a little more time to pull herself together. He pushes the empty wheelchair off to the side and goes straight for the food in the kitchen, thanking me for making dinner.

"You guys are all set." I stir the sauce and shut off the stove. "I've got a hot date with my treadmill." I actually do not. I'm not telling Nate that Dave texted me this afternoon wanting to grab a bite to eat tonight and I accepted. Nate would fucking KILL me.

"You don't want to stay and eat?" Nate looks over the couch at me as I grab my phone and keys.

"Not a chance. I have leftover Chinese food calling my name for later." I lie and quickly head out.

*****

*James*

I wake up to the smell of pasta and hear everyone in the other room. I'm not ready to see people yet though. Especially Julia. But that doesn't last long. I hear Jonah.

"Vital check and medication time for you." Jonah helps Nate back in here and they close the door behind them. Nate gets back on the mattress and sits up while Jonah checks his blood pressure. I watch but say nothing.

"So what's the plan?" He looks at both me and Nate while talked quietly. "You guys need a plan for not if, but when this happens again. Because it WILL happen again."

"How did it even get this bad? Julia was never destructive. Not like that." Nate says before he opens his mouth for Jonah to check his temp.

"Withdrawals from the Ativan might have triggered this episode. That or stress made her reach her breaking point. We'll never really know for sure... 100.3. You're getting there. The antibiotics are starting to work. Do you need pain reliever?"

Nate shakes his head no.

"The Ativan is what ultimately calmed her down. The one thing she abused is one thing that calmed her down." He says. I stay silent.

"Well, for now, she's back on it and will be monitored until the depression meds start to work. That will take a few weeks. We can't think about detox right now. So long as it's getting administered properly and she doesn't abuse it, she stays on it. She can't afford to have another nervous breakdown. Nate, your apartment can't afford for her to have a breakdown. She was like a tornado whipping through the living room. You saw what she did to your bathroom. What she did to herself." Jonah's eyes dart from mine to Nate's while he talks. "I'm only a nurse. I'm not trained for mental health shit. I only know so much, guys. If you don't want her to get admitted, you need to not only come up with a short term plan but a long term plan."

"A long term plan?" I finally speak up.

"She has no job, no kids, no goals. All she has are her nightmares and you two fools fighting over her. Julia's gonna need people to make sure she goes to therapy, take her meds properly, make sure she doesn't harm herself. She's not going to be able to live on her own. You guys know this right?"

"I mean, I'm sure she'll eventually go back to how she was, with the help of the antidepressants though, right?" Nate raises his eyebrows.

"You heard her earlier." I huff.

"Earlier?" Jonah locks eyes with me not knowing what 'earlier' means.

"She wasn't herself. You know that. She's fine now. Eating." Nate glares at me, trying to sugar coat what happened. 

"Wait, what are you talking about ..earlier James?"

"When she woke up-"

"James..." Nate interrupts.

"No, go on." Jonah furrows his brows at Hollan and gives me his individual attention. I look at Nate and decide to try to backtrack what I was going to say initially.

"Never mind. it was probably just the meds still. She was out of it that's all. I'm overthinking it." I rub the tension behind my neck and look down at the floor. I know I'm awful at lying and everyone can see through me.

"If you guys are holding something back, I need to know. I can't take care of her the way she needs unless you tell me. What did she say when she woke up, James?" Jonah's done playing games. He knows we aren't telling him everything.

"She said she was tired of her life." I keep my focus on Jonah and try not to look at Hollan. "She said she hated it here. Not here.." I look around. "Here as in... alive." I swallow hard. "I'm not gonna fucking apologize for telling him either, Nate. I want to keep Julia safe. Safe from herself. You couldn't do that in Boston when-"

"JAMES!" Nate's monitor beeps catching everyone's attention.

"Nate, you told me about Boston already, remember? Her friend called you up to tell you she was shutting down?" Jonah looks confused as to why Nate cut me off the way he did.

"No. Before then." I stand up and start to pace now. "But YOU should be the one telling him this shit. Not me, Nate. You were there. This is your story to tell and Jonah should know. You're not protecting Julia. You're making it worse!"

"Fuck, I hate you Gallo. Fine. We went to Boston together before the media knew we were together so she could be at a ceremony for her son's birthday. I'm sure you've seen it on the news. He died five years ago a few days after his 17th birthday. I guess they hold a little birthday thing at his grave, send off balloons, that kind of shit. She broke down in front of his grave. She told me she slept with this prick," Nate ticks his head to me. He fucking just called ME the prick? "And I lost it, ok? I fucking lost it. This was before I knew Julia had issues. Had I known I would have done things differently." 

Nate closes his eyes and the monitor goes off again so the nurse decides to take the cuff off all together.  "I took her back to the hotel and told her to go inside. Order food. I snapped. I told her to get out of the car and I drove off, leaving her there. Alone."

I stop dead in my tracks. I didn't know the entire story. He LEFT her alone. He fucking left Julia alone. None of this would have happened if he didn't drive off.  Anger rises up in me and for the very first time here, I lose my shit.

"YOU LEFT HER ALONE?! That's how this happened??" I yell, almost not recognizing my own voice. James is furious. Jonah stops me there and shakes his head, needing Nate to finish the story.

"Wait... go on.."

"I got drunk in my car and didn't go back to the hotel until, like midnight or something."  The bastard left her alone for hours.

"Her Ativan pill bottle was open and pills were all over the floor. She was in the bath tub but the water was freezing cold and she was unconscious."

"Jesus.." 

"Her nose was so close to the water, Jonah. If I waited one more minute she would have been under the water completely. Her body was so cold. I should have never gotten mad at her. I should have never left her!"

"There's no way you would have known she'd do that, Nate. Absolutely no way." He puts his hand on Nate's shoulder to console him. "So did she have to be hospitalized??"

"I didn't call 911." Nate admits and both me and Jonah stare at him.

"Once I found her pulse my adrenaline kicked in. I knew what to do from when my... I just knew what to do. I wrapped her up in blankets and kept her warm. I was about to call rescue but then she started throwing up so I knew she would get better on her own. I took care of her round the clock then. I can take care of her round the clock now. I made sure she ate, got electrolytes in her... I took care of her all weekend and made sure she was ok. I know I almost lost her. I'm not letting that happen again." 

For the first time since the conversation started, I feel bad for Nate. For all he went through that weekend. My anger melts away and I look at him sympathetically.

"She never told me all that."

"She likes to bottle shit up and not deal with it." Nate shrugs.

"That all needs to change. She can't handle holding that stuff in. Julia needs to learn to process things instead of letting it build up till she has an outburst. Whatever happened today...all this back and forth... it's an ongoing thing, isn't it?" Jonah turns his focus to Nate.

"She takes advantage of you, then you turn around and take advantage of her. It's this vicious cycle you are in. She's obviously confused and can't make decisions for herself. Being around both of you and having to constantly choose is just adding gasoline to the fire. You can't get mad at Julia for the things she does right now. She's just trying to fill the void. Once she gets in to therapy, they can help her. For now, don't make her feel bad when she slips up.

"I never got mad at her." I take a little offense to what the nurse is saying. "I walked away and removed myself from the situation all together. I'm not one to lash out or get mad easily. I was fucking hurt, yeah, but I'd never yell at her or make her feel bad."

"He's not talking to you. Are you Jonah?" Nate replies. We all know he is hot-headed.

"Listen, all I'm saying is... just fucking walk on eggshells until her meds kick in and she can get into counseling, ok?" Jonah doesn't drop the F-bomb often but today he's overwhelmed and letting it all out now.

*****