I glance at Nate who is looking down at the tile floor with his eyes closed. Is he nervous? Is he just trying to focus on hearing the heartbeat? Is he hoping we don't hear a heartbeat?

"There we go." My Ob/Gyn smiles up at me. I let out a sigh of relief and look over to Nate. He looks up but with a pained expression on his face that he is doing a fucking awful job hiding right now. He was hoping there was no heartbeat.

"It's usually extremely difficult to hear a baby's heartbeat with a handheld Doppler machine this early. The internal ultrasound is the most accurate way to check for a fetal heartbeat at this stage. But it is there, faint, and you're measuring about seven to eight weeks." The obstetrician says and points to a tiny speck on the screen. Our tiny speck.

I smile but all the color drains from Nate's face, making my smile fade. He's just nervous. He'll come around . I squeeze his hand and the doctor studies his face. How embarrassing. 

"Sorry. He's still in a little bit of shock." I cover for Nate but shoot him a look like -pull yourself together. "This wasn't something that was planned."

"Well, you do have options." My doctor hands a folder with all sorts of pamphlets, I take it but don't bother to open the folder.

"I don't want an abortion. Right, Nate? That's not what we want."

Nate swallow hard and I glare at him. Is he fucking serious right now?

"Sorry. I think I just need a little air."

"Of course." The doctor nods.

"I'll meet you at the car." Nate leaves abruptly.

"Sorry. We are still trying to process it all. Can you just schedule my next appointment and give me a call?"

"Of course, Miss. Banks." The physician  nods and leaves the room so I can quickly get dressed. I bolt out of the office to find Nate puking his brains out in a nearby bush. 

"Jesus Christ.." I mutter "Really, Nate? I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be the one throwing up, not you. What the hell is your problem?" Un-fucking-believable.

"I'm fine." Nate takes off his hat and wipes his forehead, clearly distraught over having a baby with me.

"Nate. We need to talk about this. Because it's happening whether you like it or not." I huff and walk to his car.

"Well aware..."

"God. When are you gonna come to terms with this and accept this is our reality?" I stare at him while he unlocks the door.

"I don't know, Trish. What do you want me to do, lie to you, and be ecstatic? Cuz I'm less than thrilled."

"YES! Please. Lie to me. Because it doesn't matter how you feel right now. Or me. I'm not getting an abortion so you can get that option right outta your head, Hollan."

"I didn't even SAY anything about ANYTHING!!" He slams the door and begins to speed off. I throw the damn folder in the back seat and look out the passenger window.

"Oh, please. I can read you like a book, Nate." 

We remain silent for a good ten minutes while I weave in and out of traffic to get home.

"Can you fucking slow down?" I look over and then notice he doesn't even have his seatbelt on. Did he NOT learn his lesson once already? "And put your seatbelt on!!" 

Oh my God! I can't believe he is acting like this. And speeding down the road like a lunatic isn't helping matters. He weaves in and out of traffic and the only thing going through my head now is the fucking car accident. I begin to sweat and hold on to my seatbelt. No, Trisha. Don't do this now. God, pull yourself together. I feel myself start to breath heavier and close my eyes. Think of ANYTHING else but running that red light. Anything.

I can't hold in my panic attack any more and begin to cry. Shit.

"Trish.." Nate notices and talks calmer to me now. 

"Shit. Pull over." I close my eyes feeling myself spiral out of control. "Nate! Pull over!"

"I'm trying. Jesus." Nate swerves, cutting someone off resulting in getting the finger and pulls over to the nearest gas station. I jump out of the car and begin to pace trying to regulate my breathing.

"Hey.." He grabs my arm to stop me from pacing and pulls me into his chest. "You're ok. Take a deep breath."

"I'm NOT ok! Damn it. Look at me! None of this is ok! You don't even WANT this baby. And I sure as hell can't do it alone." I push away from him and get back into the car. "Just bring me home."

"Paul is at my place, remember?"

"Whatever. Then bring me back there." I huff, not caring where I go now.

Nate sits back in the car giving me an aggravated look now. "Trish, what do you want me to do? Want me to bring you home and call Paul to head over or take you back to my place. You tell me." He tries to hold my hand but I swat him away.

"I WANT you to fucking get over yourself and want this. Because it's happening and I'm damn sure not gonna let you walk away and make me deal with it alone!"

Nate slams his hand against the steering wheel hard, making me flinch at his sudden outburst.

"I'm fucking trying!! I need time!" He starts up the car again  and we drive home in silence once again. Both of us with tears streaming down our faces not saying a word or even looking at each other.

*****

*James*

I woke up this morning and for a split second, forgot that I was disabled. It only lasted a second. But it was enough to start my morning off in the wrong direction. I've never been one for self pity but today, today I'm feeling it. It's barely ten in the morning and I've already made Julia play "Play It Again" three times while I cover my face with my arm and cried. The only thing I want right now is Maggie, who curls up next to me in bed and reminds me of times I wasn't like this. I can't even take care of my own damn dog. 

Julia lays in bed with me and wraps her arms around me to try and let me know it's ok. But it's not ok. I feel like giving up.

Maggie makes her way up the bed and fits herself in between us to lick my face.

"Aww, Maggie. You're such a sweet dog." Julia scruffs up behind her ear while she tries to cheer me up. "See.. even Maggie understands, James. You know I get it. It's ok to be sad." Julia pushes my hair away from my forehead and I drop my arm away from my eyes. I let Mags lick my cheek and begin to clumsily pet the pup.

"She really is a good therapy dog, isn't she?" Julia smiles up and me and I nod. She really is.

We both hear some commotion and a door slam in the other room, making us jump a little. Today was Trisha's first OB/GYN appointment, and she insisted Nate join her.

"I'm gonna go see what's up. Wanna come?" Julia asks while helping me out of bed. She helps me put on a pair of sweatpants and doesn't bother to put a t-shirt on me.  Which is fine. Once I'm ready, she stands on her toes and kisses the corner of my mouth, making me smile down at her. At least she is still affectionate towards me even IF I'm now a fucking vegetable.

"Damn it, Nate! Grow the hell up already!" I hear Trisha burst out. Trisha plops on the couch, and Nate storms out of the small bathroom near the kitchen and throws the hand towel he was just drying his hands with on the counter.

"How about you figure your shit out already so you can fucking drive again.. huh? Miss Perfect? You think you got it all together? Go talk to a fucking shrink already!"

Trisha turns around and glares at him from the couch. "I WOULD if my 'fucking shrink' wasn't a fucking rapist!"

 Nate walks down the hall to his bedroom and slams the door loudly as Trisha crosses her arms and huffs. The rest of us stare at each other awkwardly.

Jonah, Casey and Paul are all around the kitchen island so we bypass Trisha, trying to ignore the situation, and head over their way. Jonah lifts up the full Carafe.

"Coffee anyone?"

We all nod, including myself now that I can sip coffee on my own. Julia still needs to hold it up to my mouth but at least I'm not making a mess anymore. Jonah pours us all coffee and Julia fixes mine just the way I like it, blowing on it before putting it close to my lips. I lean forward and take a small sip, then kiss the side of her head to thank her. She smiles up at me and it's all I need to feel better.

"God, I can't stand him!" Trisha huffs yet storms into his bedroom to either fight more or make amends.

"Can you imagine the two of them raising a child?" Julia shakes her head and takes a sip of the coffee before lifting it up to me. We share everything now. Just like we're married. And I love it. We share our food, our drinks, everything.  It's just easier since she's the only one I want taking care of me and it helps her to eat more as well. Because she knows I will damn well stop eating until I see her start, and she doesn't want that to happen.

"Imagine them raising a child in THIS house? With all of us??" Jonah scoffs making Paul grunt just thinking about this shitshow we all are.

"Eh. The thing will be just like Maggie. Spoiled with lots of mommies and daddies." Casey chimes in.

"Did you just compare their unborn baby to a golden retriever???" Jonah raises his eyebrow at her and I laugh a little, making Julia smile up at me again. I can't control when my voice comes through yet but when it does, Julia loves it.

There's more commotion in the bedroom with the two of them bickering so we try our hardest to ignore. Paul puts the TV on The Today Show and moves over to the couch with his coffee.

"You hungry for breakfast?" Julia asks me. I'm not really hungry yet but she needs to eat, so I nod yes, knowing if I start eating, so will Julia. Waffles have more calories so I've been requesting those more, knowing Julia will get more nourishment from them but today she opts for toast.

"James, when are you gonna let someone else help you with you meals more often?" Casey shakes her head and I furrow my brow at her before taking the bite of waffle off the fork Julia holds in front of me. I do tend to let Casey help but usually when I know Julia can't. I don't think Casey has caught on to the fact that Julia eats more when she is feeding me. That's the whole reason I'm doing this. Of course I could care less who feeds me. That's the least of my issues. But if it's Julia, then I know she is also taking care of her own body and not shutting down. Just like the way Julia takes care of me. It gives her a purpose. She needs a purpose or she will fall into her depression. I can't let that happen. So when I give everyone a hard time it is because I want only Julia. I need her and she needs me. Whether she will admit it or not.

"I don't mind. We got a system, right James?" Julia nudges me a little and then offers me a bite of her toast. I'm not a huge fan of wheat toast but I pretend to enjoy it, knowing if I do so, Julia will start eating the waffle which is higher in calories and fat content. And it works. I take a bite of the toast and we switch off. I smile at Julia watching her eat the waffles. My job here is done.

"You're doing really good, Julia. I think having to help James eat has helped you as well. Especially when he won't eat unless he sees you eat."

"Like I said. We got a system." Julia winks at me. Yep. We got a system all right. Keep eating sweetie. 

Trisha quickly walks down the hall and grabs her purse.

"I can't with him. Good luck. C'mon, sexy. I'll buy you a coffee on the way to the studio." She pulls Paul's coffee away from his lips and he sighs, knowing they have to leave. "Someone remind that idiot he has practice in the studio AND a radio interview this afternoon. If he doesn't show up he's getting castrated." She says before entering the elevator.

I can tell Julia wants to check on Nate now and she looks up at me.

"Can Casey help you for a minute while I go check on Nate?" She always asks me first if it's ok. I look down and notice she ate a good amount of the waffles and some toast, so I nod. She takes another bite of toast and gives me another sip of coffee before Casey takes her place. 

******

*Trisha*

Regardless of what's going on in my personal life, I still have a shitload of work to do today. One being keeping track and paying Nate's bills for him. That's part of the job requirements of a celebrity personal assistant. To do the mundane things they don't have time for because they are so fucking busy being idiots like Nate.  

Paul drives for me to save me from another panic attack and I have him pull in to Starbucks. I buy us both breakfast and coffee before we head to the studio. It's quiet in Nate's room and that's where I can concentrate more to get everything done. I really hope someone reminds Nate he has a practice AND radio interview this afternoon because I sure as hell am not. 

Paul sits on the couch and reads the newspaper he got at Starbucks like he's eighty years old, while I load up my laptop and get shit done.

But I can't stop thinking about Nate's reaction this morning at the Ob/Gyn appointment. Does he really not want a child that bad that he rather not hear a heartbeat at all? Who does that?! I feel like he's mad at me. Like this is all my fault. And for some reason, I can't reel in my emotions like I normally can. I keep my eyes focused on the screen but begin to silently cry, hoping Paul doesn't notice. But of course, Paul notices. He lowers the newspaper with a loud sigh and turns to me.

"Talk, Banks."

I keep my eyes on the screen. "Nothing. I'm fine." But in the middle of my sentence I begin to really cry and cover my face, completely humiliated.

"Banks. Talk." Paul demands again.

"I'm not asking him to be excited about this. But Jesus Christ, when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat this morning, Nate actually looked relieved. The minute she did, I swear he turns green. He fucking left and threw up in a God damned bush outside the office!" I blurt out and watch Paul's eyes widen. Then he starts to laugh.

"Holy shit. He's a fucking mess." He laughs loudly and it is very out of character for Paul, which in return, makes me laugh a little to see him like this.

"He really is. I was so embarrassed."

"Give him time. He'll come around." He assures me, still laughing at Nate throwing up in a bush.

"I swear I think he is blaming me for everything. TMI but yes, I missed a few doses of birth control. Because I had a fucking concussion and was in the hospital! I  wasn't even thinking of that. And I'm sorry, it takes two to tango. This wasn't some immaculate conception. Lord knows I'm not  The Virgin Mother Mary." I vent  while I huff and cross my arms.

"Feel better?" Paul raises an eyebrow.

"Much."

"Good." He raises the newspaper and goes back to ignoring me, which only makes me smile more. Because he's Paul. Ya gotta love Paul. And he's right. I got it out of my system, vented and do feel better. I'm still not reminding Nate about his appointments later. He'll learn.

*****

*James*

Halfway through the morning there's more commotion. Something happened while Julia was in the bedroom with Nate, prompting me and Casey to go see what's up. I slowly make my way to the doorway, by myself and when Casey notices, she grabs my arm and guides me to the recliner, so I don't fall.

"What happened?" Casey asks.

"The Avalon called. I don't know what they said." Julia looks to Nate  to fill everyone in. He drops his head into his hands before looking down at Julia, who is kneeling in front of him on the floor. 

"They said you need to start attending the sessions or you'll lose your spot. The waiting list is too long to hold it if you're not gonna show up." Nate tells Julia and her eyes widen at this news. Shit. This is awful. She's being forced to go or she looses her spot. She needs the Avalon.

"What...so...I have to go back? Soon?" She stares at Nate trying to process what was just said to her.

"Tomorrow, Jules. You have to go back tomorrow."

Fuck.

"WHAT?" She jumps to her feet. "No! I can't go back tomorrow! I'm... I'm not ready!" she cries out and I can tell she's on the verge of her own panic attack. She begins to breath heavily and pace while fidgeting with her hands. I can tell by the frantic look in her eyes, she's about to spiral out of control.

"I can't see him!" She screams and pushes past Casey to run to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door. We don't hear any banging or crashing or breaking of anything. Just her cries which breaks me on it's own. I'm the one to walk over to the locked bathroom door. But what the hell can I do? I can't call out to her. I can't even friggen knock on the door. So I just stand there like a fucking idiot, leaning my forehead on the door. I begin to cry due to the frustration of not being able to help my best friend. Casey is the one to notice and she talks through the door to get Julia's attention.

"Julia, can you unlock it? James wants to come in. He's sad and you're freaking him out a little." She says bluntly, knowing how to play the cards right. Julia quickly swings the door open, looks up at me with sad eyes, and falls into my arms. I lean against the wall and hold her, rocking her from side to side and resting my chin on top of her head.

I gotcha sweetie. 

All I want to do is take her pain away. This isn't fair. She shouldn't be forced to go there. She can't even talk to anyone about her rape. That sonofabitch could mess with her files. We don't want that to happen. That would ruin Julia. She's barely hanging on as it is. There's gotta be a way to fix this. But I can't fix shit right now and that is the most frustrating part of it all. There's no way I can help her.

"Shit. I have to go. I have that fucking interview. I can't leave her when she's like this." Nate huffs but Jonah pats his shoulder.

"Go. We've got this. She's got James. Go do what you need to do before Trisha has your head."

Nate rushes Julia and kisses her forehead while she's still in my arms.

"I'm so sorry Doll. I'm gonna figure this out, ok? I'll go to the Avalon after my interview and get tomorrow's schedule. I'll make sure you don't see him, ok? I'll take care of it." He says and Julia nods in my chest.

"Let me." Jonah steps up to the plate. "I'll go to the Avalon. I'll explain about the pretend crazy stalker situation and how wound up she is from it. I'll get the schedule for her. I can go in and out of the Avalon freely being her nurse so long as I have her discharge papers. Which I do have. Somewhere. I'll do that part for you, ok Nate? You just worry about the interview right now."

 "Thank you." Nate replies.

"Now go before you make your baby mama mad." Jonah smirks and Nate rushes out of the apartment.

Julia ends up getting in her own head and after a while slowly shuts down. And we let her. Because we would all probably do the same thing if we were put in her situation. She's not ready to see Jeremy. She shouldn't have to be ready. The asshole should be behind bars right now.

By the time Nate comes home Julia has fully shut down and is in her room, curled up in a ball, blocking out the world. I let Casey take over caring for me, knowing Julia needs this time to process everything. I was able to at least get her to eat lunch with me, so she had two solid meals today which is better than most days she shuts down. Now Casey helps me with dinner, and we let Julia lay down.

"How is she?" It's the first thing Nate says when he walks into the apartment. Jonah shakes his head, letting Nate know today wasn't the greatest of days and he immediately heads to his bedroom where Julia is lying down.

Nobody should have to deal with the things Julia has to deal with. Nobody.

*****

*Trisha*

Because I'm so fucking fantastic at doing my job, I hired a new driver for Nate. Ren Burgess, who is one of the top celebrity drivers in L.A. He's an old man with a thick African accent but knows how to drive and keep his mouth shut. That's all we need. A trustworthy, safe driver who is used to celebrities and doesn't go leaking information to the paparazzi. Ren has been a celebrity driver for years. He'll never replace Malcolm, Nate's long-term driver who died in the crash, but he is just as good.

I often wonder if I should reach out to the police station to see where they're at with finding Malcolm's next of kin. They have two years. TWO whole fucking years to ruin James's life even more if they press charges. But part of me doesn't want to investigate further because I almost don't want to know.

So, Ren Burgess shows up in his black Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows to escort Julia and Paul to the Avalon. Which means, I stay with Nate, or he has to hire his other bodyguard, Will. I don't really know Will that much so opt to just have Nate deal with me. 

"How long are we keeping this up, Trisha?" Nate sips his tea from across the kitchen island while I look down at my phone, giving him the silent treatment.

I look up at Nate nonchalantly as he wastes time and doesn't bother to look at the calendar app to see how agenda for today. 

"You realize you have a meet and greet today with Ed Sheeran in two hours, right?" I raise an eyebrow while staring at my phone, just to piss him off more. Because without me reminding him this shit, he wouldn't have a clue. Plus, I really don't want to see him late for his event with Sheeran. It's a pretty big deal.

I watch Nate now rush around the house trying to get ready and have to laugh a little.

He'd be SO fucking lost without me and he knows it.