Day 21 since that awful collision.

James continues to breathe on his own and show minor signs of being alert. I visit him every single day.

I also visit that car crash every single night. It plays  in my head on a constant reel to the point that I'm barely sleeping. I know I need to talk to someone about this. Add it to my to-do list along with going to the police station, retrieving everyone's belongings... including Nate's shopping spree. I was right on the lingerie. I know him so well.  

I've also been busy talking to the lawyer on what happens if James is charged. Right now, the police have yet to find next of kin for Nate's driver Malcolm, as his wife passed away a few years back. But when they do, James's fate is in that family's hands. He has no criminal record. There were a few speeding tickets when he was younger, but that's it.

I can only hope that if things do go to court, the judge will see that he's not some delinquent driving around intoxicated. Just a man driving  tired after working too much. I still blame myself for not being the one to drive. All of this could have prevented if I was the one behind the wheel and not James

And Julia is Hot Mess Julia like always. Today is the start of her detox. I actually do feel bad for her, though. This time, she didn't fall off the wagon. This was something that was done TO her.  So, for her to have to go through the withdrawals all over again when she didn't do anything wrong is torture. And to do it while also recovering physically from the car crash. From what I saw on her chart, her leg is a mess. I went out and bought her some  running shorts and easy things to wear over her cast while she's in the hospital. My heart really does hurt for her. But I worry more about Nate's heart and what this stress will do to it.

Fortunately, there's that amazing nurse, Casey, who seems to be on top of things. She's like Jonah and that Dr. Donovan kid. Smart. Like real smart. She knows her stuff. She's funny as all hell, too, which makes being around her nice. But the girl is a fan of Nate's, so I'm counting his boxers, making sure she's not off selling them online.

*****

*James*

I can sometimes tell when you're here, Julia. I can tell by your touch. Your cry. You've been crying so much lately. Babe, what's wrong? You're not telling me everything. Why is everyone crying all the time? I'm still here.

Keep talking to me. Talk to me like we are behind the Marriott front desk, just like before. Tell me about your bad dreams and your good dreams. Tell me about your day. Tell me everything. 

 Someone else is here with her. I know it's Nate from the British accent.

"Did you see that? He did it! He's here!" 

I'm here, Julia.  I can feel you. I'm trying to let you know I can feel you.

"You saw it, too, right??"  Julia goes on.

"I'm right here, James."  

I feel your face lying on my hand. I can feel your breath. Your tears.

"Please keep fighting for me. Keep fighting. I'm right here with you."

I am, babe. I'm trying to figure this out.

"Are you ok??" 

"I can see it in your eyes." Nate chokes out. "I'm losing you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Let's not do this here, ok?"   

Are you showing signs of something more that I don't know about? Are you finally figuring it out for REAL this time? All I want is to be with you, Julia. All  I want is you to choose me. I can make you happy without money. I promise, baby, I can take care of you. You just need to tell me how.

"Nate." 

He's pissed.

"You know what? This is your time with him. I'm gonna go back out in the waiting room."

"Nate!"

"Ugh! He can be such a baby sometimes!"

I laugh at that. I love that you talk to me about everything like this, sweetie.

"James? James?" 

"You smiled. I called him a big baby, and you smiled. I saw it." 

I can feel you kissing me. I know you're crying.

"You're almost there. Keep fighting." More people are with Julia. I hear a little bit of chaos.

"He smiled a little, Casey. He smiled!"

"Julia, it's all reflexes, sweetie. It's very common."

No, I'm trying to tell you I'm here. Give me a chance.

"No. He smiled! You have to believe me. Nate, he smiled!"

"Jules..."

"I swear to God. You have to believe me. Ready... but first... Nate, don't get mad."

"James... Nate's acting like a big baby."

I show her I can hear her. I laugh again.

"Holy shit..." I hear Nate.

"He smiled! Oh my God. James." 

"Doctor. He's getting better! "

A bright light lights up the tunnel. I have to look away from it, it's so bright.

"I'm sorry, Miss.." Another voice I don't recognize.

"No, wait!" 

  I can feel you kiss me. I'm trying to show you.

"Miss.. That's all -" 

"WAIT! He smiled. James... Nate's being a baby."

I smile. Yes, we know. Nate can be a big baby. That's not new news. But for some reason, everyone finds this exciting to hear.

"Well, I'll be....."

But it's happening again, isn't it. Julia, you need to listen to them. You keep fighting them, and I think their just trying to help you.  It's ok if you need to leave. I'm ok. You don't have to worry about it. Just do what they need you to do. Stop getting so worked up.

I can hear you fighting everyone around you. Baby, you need to calm down. You're having one of your episodes. This is the stuff you need to show me how to handle. I don't know how to help you. But if you show me I can help you. Nate is not the only person who can take care of you. Just give me the chance.

Things go silent. Julia is gone.

******

*Trisha*

It was nice being able to confide in Paul a little last night, but I can't read the fella.

 God, Paul if you have a thing for me you need to tell me right now because I will fucking jump your bones in a heartbeat.

Today I slept in until almost noon after tossing and turning all night. I woke Paul up on accident again and he slept in Nate's room on the recliner for me. Something about knowing he's here makes me feel safe. Especially with Dave still trying to get ahold of me. Especially now that he knows where I live- the whole reason I haven't been home in weeks.

"You ok? You never sleep this late?" Jonah asks as he puts away some groceries, he picked up this morning.

"These headaches. They're the worst."  I don't bother telling Jonah I had another rough night sleeping and Paul had to stay with me and Paul gives me a look. He probably already told Jonah anyway. What's the point?

I make myself a cup of tea and head out to the balcony to try to wake up a little. The fresh air feels good.  I haven't gone for a run or worked out much since the concussion, and Jonah wants to give me another week before doing so, so here I sit.

Paul brings his coffee out to the patio and joins me on the patio couch.

"Think it's fine if we stay here and chill out for a while instead of running errands?" I ask, already knowing Paul's answer.

"Yes. You  exhaust me." The man grumbles while sipping his coffee. I look over at him and chuckle a bit

"Can't keep up with me, eh?"

"Not at all.  I thought being Julia's bodyguard was tough with her insomnia. But you.  You're just as bad. You're like the energizer bunny over here."

"Hey now, don't compare me to Moretti. We are two VERY different people!" I  lay my head back on the patio couch  and close my eyes to feel the sun on my face. James does this sometimes when we are outside together for a run. He loves feeling the sun on his face.

"You really do not like that girl, do you?" Paul says with his eyes still closed.

"I don't hate her if that's what you're insinuating. She's just....needy."

"She's got a lot going on in that head."

"You saying you like her?"

"I do. She's a little firecracker, that one. But she's sweet."

"I can be sweet..." 

 Maybe I'm too harsh. I tell it like it is, and don't put up with people's shit. I can't take people who are broken and are unable to fix themselves. Or at least try. And God knows she's broken.

"You can be."

"CAN be... Take that back. I'm a nice person!" I tease and open my eyes. I study Paul's face and wonder if  it's the job that keeps him from being married. Because he is a damn good-looking man.

"You're a determined person. You don't put up with people who need help. Julia's sensitive. She could use a little Trisha.  And you could use a little of her softness...."

"Wow... look at you, Paulie. Picking people apart and getting down into the emotional crap. I didn't know you had it in you." Paul doesn't realize I've been staring at him this whole time, so when he opens his eyes, he flinches.

"May I help you?" He  cocks an eyebrow like Nate would. I swear Nate is rubbing off on his friends.

"That depends.." I flirt. "Kidding. I'm kidding." I sigh. 

God I need to get laid.

*****

Paul, Jonah and myself carpool to the hospital around five to visit the other half of our clan. We took the day "off" and lounged around watching tv all day. I think I need that. Just to decompress a little.

Right as we're about to buzz in to Nate's room, Casey comes over and updates us on Julia.

She's having a hard time when it's time for her to leave James. In a way, I can't blame her. She's a grown ass woman and everyone around her is telling her what to do. She's never able to make choices for herself. If she wants to spend all day and night down there with James, let her. All she's trying to do is be with him. So I do feel bad in that sense, but the girl needs to reel it in. Because that Dr. Prade lady has it out for her or something by injecting her with that shit to knock her out all the time. It's making her detox worse.

"What the hell?" Jonah barrels into the room, upset with me and Paul right behind him.

Julia is still knocked out. Nate is sitting in a chair clearly distraught. His eyes are puffy from crying, and it breaks me. 

"She's gonna flip her lid if she can't see James. She goes down there every single day for over an hour. "

"Well aware, Trisha." Nate snaps.

Jerk.

"I need to get out of this room for a while."  He storms out of the room like Nate being Nate, and we all leave to go down to the cafeteria. None of us want to deal with Hurricane Julia when she wakes up. We'll let the nurses handle that one! 

******

*James*

"Sorry, Gallo. I need to get out of that room but can't leave the hospital. The whole broken ribs/broken heart shit."

Hollan pulled me away from Carter. He's upset. 

"You're stuck with me. You heard Julia. How she freaked out when it was time to go. They had to sedate her. This means detox starts tomorrow. All those hours wasted, and now she has to start from the beginning again. At least she's only just starting and not three weeks or something, right?"

Shit. I should be with her. This is awful.

"But now.. fucking Dr. Prade won't let her down here to see you. When Jules wakes up and finds out.."

Wait. She can't see me? Why the hell not? This is going to ruin her. All I want to do is listen to her talk. Feel her touch. They can't do this, can they?

"She's gonna fall apart. None of this is her fault. She didn't fall off the wagon or make a wrong decision. The decision was made for her. They doped her up before knowing about her addiction. That doesn't sit well with me."  

I feel Nate hold my hand. He's crying. I feel bad for the guy. He never cries in front of me.

"So if you can just wake up real soon. I need your help. Julia needs you. She might need me for some shit, like getting to eat and behaving, but we both know...."

"We both know her forever is with you. I can see it in her eyes."

You finally get it, don't you, Nate? Her forever IS with me. I can make her happy too. I may need your help with some of this bipolar stuff but if you teach me, I can learn how to help her cope.  How to help her get out of her funk when she gets into one.

That had to be hard for you to admit... I use all I have to show Nate I'm here and I understand him.  I feel bad for him. This shit is hard and he can't seem to catch a break. The fact that he even came to me and confided in me shows how much of a good guy he is. I try to show him I can hear him.

"I swear to God, if you're in there and playing tricks on me, I'm going to put you in a home infested with bedbugs."

"James.... squeeze my hand. Holy shit. You're coming out of your coma, aren't you, buddy? You need to real soon, ok? Like right fucking now. She needs you." 

"We all need you."

 "Hey, Nate. She's awake and NOT happy. Sorry to cut this short, but they need you upstairs."

Trisha.

"Hey, hold his hand. He'll squeeze it for you if you ask him to."

"What?! Are you serious?" 

I feel her holding my hand. She's shaking. Trish isn't one to show emotion or let her guard down. She's a tough one to crack.

"James, sweetie, squeeze my hand."

I'm here, Trish.

"Oh my God!!!"

I feel her squeezing my hand and pretty emotional now.

"Gallo. This isn't funny anymore. This vacation you're taking from reality. It's been twenty one days now. People are getting worried. You've had seizures. The longer you're in a coma the worse the odds are. The longer you're unconscious the longer the recovery. I mean it now. Not kidding, you need to wake up. We're all waiting for you. Hell, Julia is a mess.  They won't let her see you anymore. Her detox has her going crazy. 

She really needs you. Nate is so stressed out. His heart can't handle it. He'll never admit it, but he needs you to take over taking care of Julia. His heart is too weak for this shit.

And we all know Julia doesn't think of you as JUST a friend. I have no clue where your head's at... but if it's with Julia, she needs you. If it's with me... great. I told you before I will always be your friend if that kiss wasn't meant to be. I'm ok with that. I'm just missing my friend James right now. Shit's going down. Things are hard."

I feel helpless. Things are falling apart with everyone and I don't know how to help. I don't know how to  get out. I can hear and feel everyone but I don't know where I am or how to get back. All I see is black. It's black or the ocean with Carter.

*****

*Trisha*

I talk to James for a good hour. I cry. I get mad.  I let out my frustrations. If this poor guy really can hear us, he's probably sick of everyone using him as a silent therapy session.

I pull myself together and walk out of the ICU. With the hospital heavily guarded I feel safe here and Paul doesn't have to follow me to the fucking bathroom every time I go. The security is tight. So when I hear the familiar voice as I'm waiting for the elevator, I'm stunned.

"Trisha!"

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

"I'm sorry, sir, you're not on the visitor list. I can't let you through."

"But I KNOW her!"

I turn around and the security team is barricading the entrance to the hospital. On the other side- Dave.

"Trisha, TELL them! I knew you'd be here. It's all over the news. I was coming to check on you."

Dave pleads to me. I'm frozen to the ground. The elevator doors open and then close and I'm standing in the hallway unable to move my legs.

"Trish. I've been trying to check in on you. Can you please tell them you know me?"

One of the security guards turns around and faces me.

"Ma'am, do you know this person?"

"I..." I'm at a loss for words. I just stare at my ex, unable to function. "Yeah. Yes I know him." I sigh.

"No. She doesn't. He's not on the list for a reason, Will. He's not allowed here."

I spin around and look at the man coming off the elevator. What are the odds that the three of us would be here at the exact same time? I don't even care, I'm grateful for the man behind me to speak up for me before I made another huge mistake.

"Paul, you've got to be kidding me! You KNOW me."

"Get him off the premises." Paul demands. One of his men, Will, follows orders and escorts Dave out . He doesn't leave silently. He calls me every name in the book out of frustration and I stand there, in shock. 

I was about to let him in. I was about to say, yes, I know him.

What the FUCK is wrong with me?

"Trisha. Jesus, you're shaking like last time. C'mon, lets get you up to the room before you gain unwanted media attention too." I hear Paul say but stare as Dave is being walked away with a fight, looking back at me disappointed and mad.

"Trisha. Lets go.." Paul yanks my arm and practically drags me backwards into the elevator as my eyes are still glued to Dave.

"What the hell. Hey. Look at me. You're fine Trish. Ok?"

I look up at my bodyguard and shake my head, still completely stunned. 

"I was about to..."I pause.

"I know." Paul knows what I'm trying to say. I was about to let Dave in so he could talk to me. I was giving him a chance to explain himself to me. Why do I give him the time of day? How does he have this hold on me?

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

Paul escorts me back up to the room. I'm visibly shaken up and it's noticed by everyone. 

" What happened?"  Nate whispers, with a passed-out Julia on his chest. He slowly escapes and puts a pillow in his place before getting out of the bed and rushing over to me.

"Is it Gallo? Did something happen?" Nate asks. Jonah sits me down on the couch in the living room away from sleeping Julia and that Donovan kid closes the partition. He sits on the chair across from me, mentally picking me apart like I'm his next head case. 

I can't even produce words at the moment, so Paul talks for me.

"Dave was trying to come in. He saw on the news...the accident...that Trisha could possibly still be here. He was at the right place at the right time when she was waiting for the elevator."

"Wait. He got through security. He shouldn't be on the list."

"Ok, back up. Who is Dave?" Dr. Donovan asks, having no idea what any of us are talking about.

"Her ex-fiancé. Apparently back in town and a real piece of work." Jonah answers.

"He didn't get through security, Nate." Paul shakes his head in disbelief himself, before continuing. "She was about to let him through."

"WHAT? Trisha. Why the fuck would you do something so STUPID!?" Nate yells at me. This is not what I need right now. I don't know why I did what I did. I lean my elbows on my knees and drop my head into my hands to cover my face. I'm so embarrassed.  After all Dave has done, I was still going to give him a chance to talk to me and explain himself.

"Nate. Take a breath." Jonah looks at Nate and shakes his head. 

"Trisha. You're shaking. Were you afraid of this man?" Dr. Donovan starts using his psychology to put the pieces together.

"I'm not AFRAID of him. I don't know why I was gonna let him through. I- I.."  I stop, unable to finish my sentence. Instead, Nate carefully wraps his arms around me, and I lean into him.

"So, this man. This ex-fiancé... was coming to check on you? And you were going to let him through... Is there a reason he shouldn't be near you?" Dr. Donovan inquires.

"Yeah, he's an abusive drunk that she keeps going back to." Nate blurts out. He's mad at me for my poor decisions when it comes to Dave. I obviously know I'm in the wrong here. I shouldn't be giving him all the chances I give him. Or making excuses for him. But he's Dave. He's not abusive. It's not like he's smacking me around day in and day out. He's had his moments, all while drunk. Sober Dave is a completely different person.

"Nate." I try to make Nate believe what I believe. "He's not abusive. You know that."

"WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Need I remind you of the black and blues and how he pinned you to a wall and wouldn't let you go? To the point the police were called? Or how about when you had se-"

"NATE! STOP! OH MY GOD, JUST STOP!" I cut him off. I'd be mortified if he told the whole room what happened when we had sex. That was one time. ONE TIME. I should have never told Nate in the first place.

"So this is a domestic thing... Do you have a restraining order against this man, Trisha?"

"She tried." Paul talks for me, seeing as I'm so distraught over this right now. "She was denied by the court."

Dr. Donovan gives him a questioning look before proceeding.

"The court is wrong."

"What do you mean? I was there with her. The judge said there wasn't enough evidence. He was only arrested one time. She said they needed more than one incident."

The young psychiatrist walks over to me and kneels down in front of me, so I have no choice but to make eye contact with him.

"Trisha. Answer these questions for me. Was there some sort of threatening behavior? Verbal, nonverbal, physical or sexually? Anything from abusive language to putting his hands on you in any way or making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in any way shape or form?"

Shit.

Ok. When you put it THAT way...   all of the above. I look at the man, clearly a crying mess, and nod my head...unable to actually say "yes."

"You qualify for a restraining order if you answer yes to one or all of those questions. They got it wrong, or you didn't tell them everything." Dr. Donovan looks at me with empathy. "I know it's hard to say certain things out loud, it makes it more real, doesn't it? Or embarrassing. Especially in front of a judge. Believe me, I get it, Trisha."

"Trish did you not tell them everything? Even the part..." Nate stops before saying anything more. I know what he's talking about and no one else needs to know the details.

"I couldn't bring myself to tell that one." I admit. I can't do this. Not tonight. "I can't deal with this shit right now." I wipe my tears and stand up, pulling myself together. 

"Time to go." I say to Paul and Jonah.  We carpooled.

Dr. Donovan nods and stands up straight.

"When you're ready... I can go with you to the station and advocate for you. We won't walk out of there until a restraining order is filed and put in place immediately. When you're ready."

Wow.  This kid is willing to do this for me when I'm not even his patient? He barely even knows me yet he's volunteering to walk into the courtroom and fight until I get what I need.

I nod at the man and walk out the door without saying goodbye or another word, making Paul and Jonah scramble to leave with me since we all came together. They hurry to catch up to me while I make my way out of the building. There's still reporters all around so I wait until we are at Jonah's car in the parking garage before taking a much-needed breath of fresh air.

Then, I put my arm on Jonah's passenger window and rest my head on my arm. It wasn't until this very moment that I let myself fully breakdown and cry a real cry. Not a loud or obnoxious cry but an uncontrollable release of emotion into my arm. Both Jonah and Paul are caught off guard. Jonah pats me on my shoulder to console me while Paul has this devastated look on his face when I finally turn around.

"I feel like everything is falling apart all at once with us all."

It's the only thing I say before I choose to slip into the back seat instead of the front. The two men quickly get into the car, seeing I'm ready to get out of here as soon as possible, and we all stay silent while I look out the window and silently cry.