I wake up to the same exact position I fell asleep in, just like last time, which I find strange because Nate always said I'm like a fish out of water when I sleep. Always switching positions and stealing covers and shit. But for some reason, when I'm with Paul, we both fall asleep and stay asleep.

So I know this is wrong. Obviously, this is not what normal bodyguard/client interactions look like. I'm well aware there's a fine line that has been crossed.

I'm not sure what Paul thinks of this. Of me. He's not a man of many words, and seriously, it wasn't until more recently that he's opened up to the rest of us a little more. Part of that is Julia's doing. She has a way with men. I don't know what it is. If it's because she gives off this Naïve, gullible vibe, or she really is naïve, but men seem to open up to her easily. They become infatuated with her. They want to take care of her. I've seen it in Nate. I've seen it in James. I've seen it in Jonah AND Jeremy (oddly enough), and I've even gone so far as seen it in Paul.

She got to him. She opened him up a little more than he has in years. Paul is starting to let people in a little. A very select few. But this big tough guy wall he's built over the years, I don't know, it's being chipped away little by little. And now I notice it with me. The way he comforts me. The way, last night, he didn't even hesitate to come check on me. He didn't even think twice or even throw on clothes. He came right into my bed and wrapped his big bodyguard arms around me. No words. No bullshit. Just Paul.

So sue me if this is wrong. But while he's still asleep... while I'm still in his arms... I study him. I study him like I study Nate. All his features. The dark hair, the stubble on his face. The strong jawline for a man in his forties. He certainly looks like a bodyguard. His face is hard like he's lived a life, but in a rugged, sexy way. He screams masculinity with his ripped body.

Without realizing it, I apparently have been staring at Paul's features well into his semi-conscious status. He raises an eyebrow and looks down at me studying him. And without realizing it, I don't think Paul is fully awake enough to notice the way his fingers lightly stroke up and down my arm in his half sleeping mode, sending this heated sensation through my body. He closes his eyes again, not fully conscious, but continues to stroke my arm gently.

Jesus Christ, Paulie. Either my pregnancy hormones are kicking in or I'm fucking horny...but I'm ready to tear into this fella. I watch him fall back asleep a little and my eyes drop down to his lips.

I mean...what if ...

what if I....just.....

No. I close my eyes and fall back asleep.

*****

Once we are both awake and dressed, barely saying two words to each other as always, Paul and I stop off at the local bakery to purchase bagels and coffee for everyone at Nate's. I like being over there with a houseful. It stops me from thinking about shit.

We walk into the apartment, and I'm fully aware that Nate and I aren't really on the best terms right now.. but the second I see him, that is all erased.

Something bad happened last night.

"Nate. What happened?" Nate looks exhausted. He's been crying. Julia is lying on his lap on the couch.  He slowly lifts her off his lap and replaces himself with a pillow before getting up and going to his room. But then he comes right back out, which confuses me a bit. Nate begins to pace. That's not a good sign. Not at nine in the morning.

"Nate.."  I sit at the kitchen island while Paul sits on the other side of the sectional

"She's getting worse."

"Well, yeah jackass. We all expected that." I respond sarcastically.

"No. Trisha." Nate stops pacing. "Jonah pulled. Fuck..." He sits on the chair across from Paul, who studies his face. "Jonah pulled her off the ledge. Off the balcony." 

"What?!" It's Paul who responds first, which catches me off guard. He's been dealing with Julia more than he ever has. I think she's become family to him now.

"Nate. What are you saying?" I bolt out of my seat now and stare at sleeping Julia on the couch.

"I don't know. She got in her own head. Jonah said she was like, zoned out or something at two in the morning. She was leaning over the railing. He said, like REALLY leaning over the edge. Almost like she was having some internal fight with herself. He ended up having to pull her down real fast. She said she wasn't gonna do anything. But this is Julia."

Oh my God.

"It's all too much for her." Paul scratches the stubble on his face and looks over to Julia. "The other day, she cried herself to sleep on the way home from the Avalon. I had to carry her up."

"She did?! When? Why am I just hearing this now??"

"She didn't want to worry you. She was fine after."

"Paul. You do NOT fucking keep that shit from me. Got it? I need to know when stuff like that happens. No matter what. You're job when you are with her is to keep her safe. Even if it's keeping her safe from herself. I can't tell what kind of headspace she's in when you leave out details like that." Nate says sternly and Paul nods. He fucking means it... I can tell.

"Got it. It won't happen again."

"I mean it, Paul."

"You have my word." 

"Nate, she needs to be admitted to the Avalon full time." I blurt out. This is scary shit now. She's doing scary shit.

"Yeah, lets just walk her right up to Jeremy's house and hand her over." Nate glares at me.

"Well I have an appointment with him today. There's gotta be a way we can speed up this process."

"I forgot." He mumbles. "I can't leave her alone. She can't go there."

"You don't need to go. Paul will be with me. I'll be fine. But eventually we need to have some kind of solid plan. Here. Coffee."  I quickly take a to-go coffee out of the tray and hand it to Nate. and then one to Paul.  I begin to feel a little queasy so head to Nate's bedroom so no one notices. But Nate didn't tell me he was having a fucking slumber party.

"Hey sweetie." I look over at James who is on the recliner, just waking up. He stretches a little, almost looking confused as to why I am here but then snaps out of it. I help him up and run my fingers through his hair, pushing it away from his forehead. "You ready to get up for the day?"

James nods but then looks towards the bathroom. Fuck that's right. Casey and Jonah are gone this weekend, aren't they?  Ummm.. Ok.

 " Ok, I can help you. Julia's still sleeping." I help him out of the recliner, and we walk to the bathroom. I haven't a fucking clue what I'm doing but James stands in front of the toilet.

"Um. Yeah, ok. Right." I try not to look but pull his shorts down and then his boxer brief.

Holy shit.

Ok. I wasn't expecting that. Jesus Christ Trisha, he just needs to pee. Pull yourself together. 

I take his arm and kinda put it near him???

He knows what to do once his hand is there so I look away but I know my face is three shades redder than it needs to be.

Ok, so now I see why Julia can't control herself around  James even though she has Nate. Don't get me wrong, James is also hot as fuck.  But I couldn't understand Julia's lack of self control and how she kept hurting Nate. Well now I know. James has been blessed. REALLY blessed.

James nudges me a little needing help tucking that monster back in so I help him pull his clothes up and help him wash his hands. He's smirking at me through the mirror. 

"Oh be quiet you...." I squint my eyes at him but then smile. "You know, you could be making a lot of money in the pornography business with that thing, just sayin." I tease him and I hear a little laugh come out of him as he nods. He knows what he's got. He knows he's blessed.

We enter the living room and all the fun and games are gone when James gives Nate a concerned look when he sees Julia

"I'll let you fill him in." Nate says. I think he's had enough  talking about it already. I nod, understanding.

"C'mon sexy. I'll help you get dressed and we'll let her sleep a little while longer, ok?" I get a nod from James who knows now is not the time to be picky with who cares for him, and we walk to his room, sliding the doors closed behind them.

"Lets pick out your clothes while I talk." I start pulling shirts out and having him nod yes or no to what he wants to wear today. "So.. I don't know all the details. But I guess Julia had a bit of a rough night." I swallow hard as James listens intently. I put the shirt on him and continue getting  him dressed.

"I.... I guess... I don't know... she went a little crazy. Crazy like in her own head. James, they think she tried to.." I'm having a really hard time saying this suddenly and feel like I might throw up right here and now. I sit down next to James and hold his hands.

"Jonah pulled her off the ledge of the balcony last night."

It happened immediately.

 I've never in my life seen a man break down and cry so quickly. James drops his head, shakes his head and cries silently. The tears falling from his face at such a rapid pace make me cry. I cry, and I wrap my arms around my friend James. My friend, who can't process all this shit. Who can't express himself in words anymore. Who can't help Julia.

We sit on his bed for a while while he cries.

"She's ok, though. Jonah was right there. He was right there."

******

*James*

I've never felt this kind of heartache. The way Julia is hurting. The way she is struggling...

She tried to kill herself.

Again.

It takes me a really long time to calm down after I hear this, and Trisha was extremely patient with me. She's a good friend, even IF she's now seen my junk. Though I admit, she was impressed.

Once I calm down, Trisha is the one to care for me. I don't mind. We are at the dining room table, letting Julia sleep. I need to figure this shit out. 

I need to heal so I can help Julia heal.

I need to focus. I need to fucking get better. So I focus. I focus so damn hard.

"You're missing it, sleeping beauty." Trisha notices Julia start to wake up.

I'm proud of myself. When I said I was gonna focus, I meant it. I focuses so  hard I gave myself a friggen headache.

Julia turns to see me and Trisha at the dining room table. I'm clumsy, but I am feeding myself. I'M feeding MYSELF eggs. By myself. I stop and nod at Julia who jumps up excitedly but the room begins to spin on her.

"Shit. Moretti, sit down." Trisha and I both jump up as well Nate  who comes out of the bedroom freshly showered.

"Jules, you good?" Nate rushes to Julia as she holds on to the couch.

"I'm fine." Her voice is hoarse like she spent the entire night crying. Paul hands her a cup of coffee and walks her over to me. Trisha immediately gets up and lets Julia take over.

"Just put a little on his fork. Watch! He just started." Trisha exclaims proudly as all eyes are on me. Julia stabs the fork into the scrambled eggs and I slowly lift it to my mouth. I'm concentrating hard and my arm shakes a bit. But I do it.

"Oh my God!" Julia throws her arms around me and I drop the fork to embrace her instead. this is for you, Julia. I'm gonna get better for you. I'll take care of you. Do NOT give up on yourself.

"I'm so proud of you." She whispers in my ear and my tears fall down against her face. She backs up and looks at me. She's aware I know  about last night and can now feel all eyes on her instead of me. 

"I wasn't...last night. I-" She looks at Nate, feeling both Trisha and Paul looking at her.

"It's ok Jules. Finish helping James with breakfast." Nate frowns and turns away. Paul and Trisha do the same. Now everyone's on edge. I stroke her cheek and lean in, resting my forehead on hers with my eyes closed.

"I wasn't. James. I don't know what I was doing...I just. I lost myself for a minute, that's all."

I nod and back away. Bullshit, Julia. You know you can't fool me. 

Everyone is off doing their own things now so she moves in closer to me to talk.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm losing my mind, James." She whispers and I nod, letting her know I'm listening. Her knee bounces nervously and I put my hand on it. Then I shakily lift my fork with the eggs on it and put it close to Julia. She begins eating. This is the only way I know how to show her I'm here to take care of her right now. I raise both my eyebrows and give her a look like she better just eat for me. Don't give me any trouble.  And she doesn't. We eat together.

Nate must have noticed because he comes over with another plate of eggs and a bagel with cream cheese.

"He's trying to take care of you, love. He wants you to eat something." Nate says exactly what I'm thinking and kisses the top of Julia's head before heading over to the couch with his coffee.

Julia leans the side of her head on me and continues to eat.

*****

*Trisha* 

The weekend is a bit of a blur. I don't see much of Nate. With Jonah and Casey gone and Julia unable to be alone for two fucking seconds without jumping off a very tall something, Nate has been busy. It's just me and Paul. 

This afternoon I had an appointment with that fuckhead Jeremy. But in a very odd way, I was looking forward to it. I have a lot of shit on my mind. And boy do I let it out on him.

I talked about the "baby's father" and how he hasn't fully come to terms with things and how I'm worried about him. Jeremy said I should confront him with my concerns...which in a way, just by talking to Jeremy, knowing Nate is watching from the app on his phone wherever he is, I did just tell him.

I talked about Dave a bit. And James. Then I talked about the accident. That's when shit got real. REAL real. I told Jeremy how it was all my fault. I told him how tired James was. The kid got a little handsy with me while comforting me but nothing we could use against him. No kissing...nothing major. So when I left, I felt like more of a failure.

I think Paul could tell.

No one was home at Nate's that evening. Even the fricken dog was gone so they must have taken Maggie to the park or something. I drag Paul down to the gym with me to burn off steam. Only two people were there so Paul decided to lift  while I ran on the treadmill. I have no idea if that's even allowed. Is it ok for pregnant women to run? These are the things a mother should know. 

We outlast the two people that were in here and I push myself hard. Paul pushes himself hard while still keeping a constant eye on me like the trained bodyguard that he is. I push myself to the point I jump off the treadmill and break down in tears. I'm a fucking mess. I have this complete crying spell that HAS to be hormonal or something. Because I shut down. Again.

Paul walks me to the car. He helps me in my house. Paul turns my shower on for me. That's as far as he goes. He closes the door and I  undress myself and cry in the shower. When I get out he is also showered and just getting out of his bathroom.

Paul lets me curl up next to him on the couch and watch The Hallmark Channel while eating food that will for sure give us both heart attacks in less than five years time.

Paul is a caretaker. I love that about him, the big quiet tough guy that he  comes off as, but he's good at taking care of people. Me. He's good at taking care of me.

******

*James*

Nate helps Julia take care of me while Jonah and Casey are away for the weekend. Nate also doesn't let Julia out of his sight. Not for one minute and I am truly grateful for that. I cooperate for him and make life a little easier when any other time I'd probably give Hollan a run for the money and he has a lot of money.

Even when Maggie needs to go out, Nate drags Julia with him. She doesn't question him. She knows. Julia knows she's once again lost people's trust. They are on edge. Worried. Everyone is worried.

Surprisingly, Nate  decides to take me to my house. They bring Maggie too and the second she sees her home, she is  VERY happy. She was so happy to run around in the backyard, play with her favorite chew toys, and to be honest. I needed this. I needed to be in my home for a bit. 

"This is good for him." Julia smiles up at Nate while she watches me look around. I point to upstairs to let them know I'm heading up and they see I'm doing fine so let me.

I see my bedroom, my bathroom, my den. The small office. I take it all in. I see my sisters watered my plants, had someone care for the lawn, cleaned my house and emptied my fridge for me. I have a feeling it will be a long time before I can move back home but God did I miss it. I lay on my bed and literally fall asleep for a few minutes.

After a half hour or so Julia comes up to check on me. She lays next to me on my bed and smiles at me.

"How are you feeling?" She asks me the question I want to ask her. I raise an eyebrow and give her a look and she gets the hint.

"I'm fine. James, really.  I just got stuck in my own head. That's all. I'm trying really hard. Just like you. I'm not giving up. Ok?" She kisses the top of my head, but I pull her in. Julia lays on top of me, with her hair flowing all around her and kisses me passionately. I roll us over so I'm on top of her and lean myself into her, making her gasp, which makes me gasp, which turns her on when she hears my voice.

We have sex. On my bed. With the door wide open. With Nate downstairs or outside or wherever the hell he is. Neither of us care. We don't get fully undressed, both aware this is a quicky. All I want to do is feel her and all she wants to do is hear her best friend's voice. So, we give it to each other. I pant and groan and moan right into her ear with every thrust into her and she consumes me. 

I feel her and she hears me.

I don't even know what this is or what we are to be honest. Friends with benefits? Even though I'm in love with her? I always told her I'd take whatever I get. Whatever she gives me. If that's all she can give me, then I accept it. So long as I have a place in her heart somewhere. Fine. If I have to share her until she figures it out again, I will. If I have to share her until I can prove to her I can take care of her again, I will. I don't care if we're not exclusive. All I care about is the here and now and right now, the woman I love is laying on top of me kissing my lips. 

 We both come undone at the exact same time which I know is rare for a lot of people. It takes our breath away. And when it's over she quickly helps me dress and makes my bed. She then helps me pick out some clothes I want to bring back to Nate's with me. We know not to talk about it. Well, I can't. But we know not to make any kind of big production about it to Nate. It's not worth the fight. I'm just happy I get to still be a part of Julia's life.

When we make it back downstairs, we both head to the backyard where Nate is playing fetch with Maggie. It's actually kinda cool of him to play with my dog like that. She loves the attention. She usually has a hard time gravitating and connecting to people. The ones who needs the attention are the ones she gives her attention to. 

Nate catches us watching him throw the ball and Julia smirks at him.

"What?" Nate shrugs. "She wants attention."

We laugh a little and both me and Julia head to the patio to sit down. We both close our eyes and let the sun hit our faces without needing to say anything to each other. Well, we said all we needed to say while having sex, but Nate doesn't need to know that, now does he?

We spend the majority of the day at my house for the change of scenery. Maggie is happy to be home, and I am content as well. Nate doesn't seem to mind being here either. 

I close my eyes and enjoy this moment, with my legs extended and crossed and my hands folded on my lap. Then, I hear Nate and Julia talking. They must think I'm asleep or something.
"May I help you?" Nate says.

"You look pretty sexy playing catch with a golden retriever. Just saying. This should be on the cover of People's Magazine 'America's Heartthrob'..." Julia teases him. Another thing I can't do. First, I can't live up to Nate Hollan standards with no money. Now I can't live up to him because I can't even fucking pitch a ball or play with my own damn dog. Nice.

"Hey, I didn't come up with that nickname. Someone else did. I don't know who, but it wasn't me." Nate replies and his British accent comes through.

Things fall silent and I open my eyes a little. Julia stands up and walks over to Nate, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his back, just like she did with me in the shower. But she didn't ever say the words she just said to Nate.

"I love you. I know I don't say it often. But I love you."

Nate turns around and they kiss, and I close my eyes because I can't bear to watch anymore.

 "You know I love you, Jules. So much. And whether you like it or not, you're gonna spend the rest of your life with me." Nate responds.

"Oh, am I now? Is this you manifesting shit, Mr. Hollan?"

"Yep. You're gonna have my last name someday. You're gonna wear that green dress someday, you're gonna travel the world with me some day. You're gonna see London. You're gonna be happy. I'm gonna take care of you and make you happy." 

I'm going to do the same. I'm still here. I'm not giving up. Julia once said to me if the timing was different, if she hadn't ever met Hollan and things weren't so confusing, she'd marry me. ME. James Gallo. Julia Gallo. I will still fight for that.

 I listen intently to what Nate says next.

"But you can't give up. You gotta promise me, no matter what shit is going on in that head of yours, that you don't give up. Not on me. Not on us. Not on you. you hear me?" His voice cracks towards the end of his speech. 

"I'm trying." 

"Try harder." Nate says in almost a scolding way. "I need you to try harder. I don't want to EVER have to worry about you like this. I need you to fucking try harder."

I look up to see Nate on the verge of tears. She really scared him. They hug and cry together.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I don't want to hear you apologize. I want to hear you say it'll never happen again. And you can't say that, can you?" Nate responds. Julia cries hard. Real hard.

"I just wanted to say I love you! All I wanted to say was I love you. I didn't want to get a lecture about my mistakes."

"I know doll. I love you too. You...you just really scared the shit out of me. Out of Jonah. I know everything is a mess right now. But I see a future for us. That's all I'm saying. For all of us. With James, without James. I don't care. You know I've accepted the fact he will be with you forever. That's not what I'm talking about. I mean in general. I see a better life for us and we'll get there. You just can't give up."

"I won't give up."

Great, Julia because guess what- I won't give up.