*James*

I'm freaking out and I don't know what to do. There's no one here to help me. Coming here without a nurse was such a bad idea. I can't believe Julia took those pills.

I pace back and forth while she sits outside on the patio. She's already zoning out and feeling her high. I don't even know if she realizes I saw what she did. It happened so quick. And just like that, Julia is high as a kite and I am here by myself with her.

Nate's gotta notice something is up by now. Julia isn't returning his texts. Her phone that is on the kitchen counter keeps lighting up with his name. Eventually someone will come and check on us, right? I obviously know I can't live alone.  After awhile they will  get worried and come over. But who knows when that will happen.

I tried to get Julia to eat something. She's on an empty stomach. But I  can't get my coordination to work like I need it to especially while I'm panicking like this. I can't cook, fucking spilled milk and cereal all over the place and now I'm the crying mess instead of  Julia.

Oh my God, what if something happens? I don't know how many pills were in there. What if she od's or something? I won't be able to  help her! 

I begin to panic more now as these thoughts race through my mind.

I hear a knock on the door and Maggie starts barking. Oh thank GOD!

I open the door and Nate is on my front porch. Mags barrels into him, happy to see him, knowing I'm stressed out.

"Where is she?" Nate crouches down to pet the dog for a moment before looking up at me I tick my chin to the side and close the door so Maggie doesn't escape.

"How bad?" How the hell do you want me to answer that, Nate?

 "Is it bad?"

I nod and Nate follows me out to the patio couch where Julia is, wrapped up in a blanket, completely zoned out. Embarrassment sets in when I see Nate look at my terrible attempt to take care of Julia. The  table in front of her has spilled cereal and I couldn't get the cap off the milk to pour it for her. I can't even make a damn cup of coffee. They never should have let Julia take me here by herself!  Not like I could say anything.

"You did good, James. Thank you. Did she eat any of it?" Nate pats me on the shoulder. I shake my head to let him know she hasn't eaten one thing today. Not one.

I see Jonah come outside and I now feel relieved. A nurse is here. If anything happens with Julia I'm no longer alone.

"Hey, James." Jonah smiles at me "You ok?" 

"He raped me. Jeremy..." All eyes are on Julia, but her eyes hold the blank stare at....nothing. I furrow my brows and turn to Jonah. We all know about Jeremy. Why is that the first thing she says right now? Jonah shares my concern.

"He raped me, and now I have no one to help me." A single tear falls down her sad face. "I'll never get better now."

"The mania. She had her high, now is hitting her low." Jonah whispers while observing. "She doesn't have the tools to handle it when she comes crashing down. It's too much for her to process."

Nate stands in front of Julia and crouches down to talk to her. I can't hold in my tears any longer and end up friggen crying in front of everyone.

"He raped me." Julia repeats.

"I know, doll."

"C'mon James, let's go make some coffee." Jonah sees how upset I am and walks me inside. Mags stays outside with Julia. She's aware something is wrong. She will stay by Julia's side.

*****

*Trisha*

I really didn't think my recovery would be this bad. I woke up this morning in so much pain and then threw up. The pain pills are making me sick. Poor Paul had to call the doctor for me this morning to have them change my prescription so I wouldn't throw up anymore. Then  he had to take me to the pharmacy to pick up the new med and more pads because I'm bleeding so much After that, I threw up  in his car! Then started crying! This has been a nightmare. Paul did not sign up for this yet he has been so good and patient to me. He hasn't complained once.

"I fucking hate Nate. I hate him so much." I  brush my teeth after getting sick. I think the codeine is out of my system completely now. I will never take that again! They switched me to  Hydrocodone instead. Still a very strong painkiller but I've taken it before when I needed to get impacted wisdom teeth out once so I know I won't get sick.

"Yeah, I'm beginning to hate him too." Paul grumbles while helping me back to his bed after having to clean the interior of his car for the last hour. "You better never sleep with him again after this."

I'm not sure why I'm in his bed, to be honest. It's just where we ended up. Paul lays on his back and pulls me in to rest my head on his chest. Who would have thought this bodyguard would be like this? The type of guy who likes physical contact this much?

"You won't have to worry about that. Nate knows I'm not going near him. I'm not a cheater. I won't cheat. ever. Not even a little."

"Good to know." 

"So I guess we are together, huh? You and me." I look up at Paul who smiles down at me and kisses my forehead.

"Yeah,  I guess we are. I still wouldn't go telling Hollan yet."

"God no. He doesn't need to know. Thanks for being here and taking care of me."

"It's kinda what I do." Paul smirks as his phone goes off. He lifts up a little and pulls it out of his back pocket. "Jesus Christ."

"What?"

"Nate. Apparently you have been ignoring his texts and he is checking in on you. Also letting me know Moretti took some fucking pills this morning." He huffs and we both sit up more now.

"She what?" I look at Nate's message. "You've GOT to be kidding me! I swear to God she is going to give Nate a heart attack. He can't handle this stress." More messages come in to explain further. Julia was ALONE with James and did this?? I'm gonna fucking kill her.

"I'm gonna fucking kill her." I blurt out. "Poor James. What if something happened? He wouldn't have been able to do anything!  How selfish can you be..all to get high." I ramble on.

"She's an addict. She can't help it."

"You really have a soft spot for her, don't you hotstuff?" I raise an eyebrow at him as he defends Julia.

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it like??" I pester him and he groans at me. He's such an old man sometimes.

"I think of her like Nate's little sister. She is just like Cara. She has no one. No siblings, no family to watch over her. She was doing this all alone until she met all of us. That's all." He explains. He thinks of Julia like a little sister. Thaaaattt's why he's so protective of her. In a way, I can't blame him. He has seen her at her worst. Been with her through it. Granted he was her bodyguard so didn't have much of a choice, but still.

"You got a big heart in there, don't you old man?" I poke his chest.

"Maybe. So does that mean Julia is going to have to go through withdrawals again?" Paul looks at me and we both raise our eyebrows now. 

"Probably. I can tell you what house I am NOT going to visit anytime soon with that happening. God, how many bathrooms does Nate have? Five? Six? There's so much opportunity there for her." I joke, gaining a hefty laugh out of Paul.

Poor "Receptionist James" though. He shouldn't have to deal with this stress. 

******

*James*

"Jonah!"

Nate runs into the kitchen with Julia in his arms. He figured it out, didn't he? I'm already crying, frustrated that there was no way I could tell them. They had to find out on their own. Jonah sees the empty pill bottle in Julia's doped up hand and looks to me.

"Did you know she took this?"

I nod. Of course I know she took it! Why the hell do you think I'm so upset! "Do you know when?"

Yes, but there's no way for me to show them how long ago.

"Do you know how many?"

I shake my head and try to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand but it's no use. I'm too worked up. My body is not cooperating with me. Jonah puts a napkin in my hand to help me

"Four. She said she took the last four pills." Nate says frantically, holding Julia in the middle of my kitchen. She's asleep now. Or passed out. Jonah takes the pill bottle out of her hand and looks at it

"Ok. Alprazolam. Generic for Xanax. Very expired so may have lost some of it's effectiveness. But four 1mg pills may not be a lot but it will be a lot for Julia. Especially being a little underweight. Especially being in recovery. It's similar to Ativan." Jonah lets out a sigh. "She'll just sleep the day away. Nothing more."

"Would it make her more suicidal??"

"I'm not sure, why? Did she say something?" Jonah sits up straighter as do I now.

"She asked me if I 'ever...just not want to live.' Then said she is tired. We've had this conversation before."

Oh my God.

Nate looks over at me. I'm so distraught I can barely contain it.  "I'm sorry you had to do this alone, James. I should have never let her leave without someone else."

I nod and Jonah pats my shoulder a few times.

"C'mon. I'll help you get dressed." Jonah takes over caring for me. I had to answer the door in literally only my boxer briefs. I tried to put more clothes on but being so upset, my hands just won't do what I need them to do.  It took forever for me to just get my boxers on! Could you imagine if I couldn't?  I'm already so embarrassed sitting here in just this. Imagine being naked. Humiliating. Again. We never should have been left alone.

 Jonah and I go upstairs. He sees my drawers open and the mess of clothes I tried to get on and gives me a sympathetic look.

"You tried so hard, didn't you my friend?" He goes ahead and picks up the mess I made as I nod. I sit on  my bed and cover my face with my arm. Jonah doesn't make me feel bad for crying. He helps me put a pair of my grey Nike joggers on and lays out a few T- shirts. I pick my light blue one with the Nike swoosh on the front. He then helps me get my socks on. Brush my teeth. Everything a nurse would help you with. Everything I needed help with but Julia was too doped up to do for me. I can't be mad at her either. I want to be but I can't. It's an addiction.

Julia sleeps the entire day away.  She woke up once, and threw up so Nate gave her a shower, helped her get dressed, even braided her hair before she passed out in my bed. He took care of her. All the things I can't do he did. Why would she be with me? Or choose me. I can't take care of her. I can't take care of me!

Nate spends the day with passed out Julia in my bedroom and Jonah spends the day with me. We take Maggie for a walk. He talks to me like Julia talks to me. He doesn't expect answers. He just talks. He tells me what we should expect if Julia does need to detox, he tries to show me how to use his cell phone but I fumble too much and get too frustrated.

While sitting in the living room we both hear Julia crying. She's awake.

"Here we go...." Jonah takes a deep breath and I follow him up to my room. He has water and  cheese and crackers for Julia. She hasn't eaten since yesterday.

The second I see Julia I barrel in and boldly pull her out of Nates arms and into mine. I don't care if he gets pissed. Julia hugs me back and pulls my head down to her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I did that to you!" She cries

"You're fine Julia. Everyone is fine." Jonah says. "You should drink a little though.."

I put Julia down and back up so she can eat but before she does, she wipes away my tears and kisses my lips.

"I'm so sorry." Julia says again right before she blacks out. I grab her quick right before she falls, and Nate jumps in to get her back into bed. My hands are literally shaking from being upset but having no outlet. I can cry tears all I want but barely produce sound. I want to cry and scream and yell and I can't do anything. 

Jonah is in my room talking to Julia privately now while I go sit in the den. I fucking cry so hard and cover my face with my arm to hide my tears, knowing Nate is coming in. He sits down right next to me which is surprising.

Then, he pulls my arm away from my face and hugs me. He hugs me and pats my back a few times before letting go.

"It's ok. There was nothing you could have done. Nobody would have been able to stop her from taking those pills just like nobody would be able to stop me from drinking a bottle of whiskey if it was in my hands, yeah?"

I nod but still feel terrible I was useless today.

"Actually....didn't YOU hand me a bottle of whiskey once? You did, didn't you, you sonofabitch."

I laugh hard at that and we both hear my voice come through. It's the first time I've laughed or even smiled the entire day.

"Yeah, that's right. Laugh away..." He smirks. "I think we can both agree our main goal is making sure Julia is happy, healthy, safe. Right? We gotta be in this together again, just like last time. Except this time- there is no Avalon to fall back on."

I nod in agreement and then watch Nate lean back on the couch and stare at my TV that I rarely use.

"You really are a different breed, you know that?" He chuckles and then my grumbling stomach catches his attention. Thank God because I have been hungry all day.

"You haven't eaten much today, have you mate?"

No.

"Cmon. Lets go order dinner for everyone."

*******

Everyone eats. Including Julia.  I put music on remembering Nate can't handle the silence like me and Julia. He's actually the one to help me with dinner and I let him. I'm not putting up a fight making Julia take care of me when I couldn't take care of her when she needed it. Halfway through dinner it hits Julia. She begin to cry.

"Julia, you don't have to finish it. It's a lot." Jonah pats her shoulder but she shakes her head.

"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad! I'm gonna have to do it all over again. The withdrawals. The detox." 

"You are. And this may not be the last time you slip up. What we need to do now is move forward and find a different outlet for you. A different coping mechanism when you go through shit. Because lets face it. You're Julia. You're gonna go through shit." 

"I can't go back to the Avalon! He still works there!."

"No, Jules. You will never have to step foot there again." Nate reaches over the table and grabs her hand.

"Once we go back to Nate's I'll do some research. We'll get you back on track at home, ok? We'll find healthy ways to help you cope. We'll find you a good therapist." Jonah rattles off like he already has a list in his head. He's a really good nurse. 

"I'm sorry." Julia spins her fork and plays with her food.

"For what? Don't be sorry. Relapse is a part of recovery. But don't think you two are getting out of those group therapy meetings." Jonah points to both Julia and Nate. "You may have gotten a pass today but next week..... you're going."

After dinner me and Jonah sit outside to let Maggie run around before we leave while Julia and Nate wash the dishes.  I miss being here. My home. I love everything about this little bungalow.  Julia does as well. But after today, I know, I can't live alone. Not yet at least. Hell, it can't be just me and Julia either, can it? I can't take care of her if something were to ever happen. And she's Julia. Shits gonna happen.

Thinking about that puts me even deeper into my depression. What's gonna happen to me? To my house? Eventually taking care of me is gonna get old for everyone. Are they gonna send me to some nursing home and sell my house on me?  I have nothing left. I won't even be able to bring Maggie. I'm not even 40 years old and need to be cared for like a 90 year old.

I think about these things while watching the dog play and those damn tears come back.

"Today was a lot for you, huh brother." Jonah notices right away. I stare ahead and nod. "This will never happen again, ok? You'll never have to worry about being alone like this."

Then why the hell do I feel so alone?

******

*Trisha*

"You look like shit... I'm kidding... kidding!" Nate kisses my cheek and puts the flowers on my table for me. "How're you feeling?"

I shrug. Yesterday was a shitshow. Thank God for Paul. Today is a little better, granted it's still early. Not even nine thirty yet. I sit on my couch with my pillow and blanket and Paul sits next to me. Nate sits down on the edge of the recliner and gets right to it.

"Sorry I've been such a jackass lately." 

"You're always a jackass, Nate. Anyways, why are you here? You don't have any obligations to me anymore, no baby. no job..." I peer at him.

"Trish... you're not fired. You have a job."

Shit.The cramping in my stomach takes over while Nate is talking and I look to Paul. He knows I'm passing more blood and need to change my pad again. He's concerned with how often I am doing this  and even called the doctor who assures him it's fine. Like he can read my mind, Paul gets up and helps me to the bathroom. He then helps me sit back  down and makes me a cup of tea. He is a quiet man, always has been, but a phenomenal caretaker.

"What can I do to help? Do you need anything?" Nate becomes antsy. 

"Yeah, keep your friggen sperm away from me." I sneer and Paul lets out a little laugh. Nate sticks up his middle finger at Paul and moves on. I swear, these two..they are like brothers..

"Done. Anything else?"

I shake my head and watch Nate study the prescription bottles on the table next to me. He looks back at me in surprise.

"They have you on this shit?" He sees the hydrocodone. Did he think this would be a fucking walk in the park or something?

"Yeah, and don't tell Julia, I need these." 

"Better keep count of them then. And lock your bathrooms."  Nate jokes. I laugh a little, then out of nowhere I cry. This keeps happening all weekend. 

"Are you in pain?!" Nate gets off the recliner and crouches down in front of me to be closer. He takes my hands in his and squeezes them. He should have been the one taking care of me all along. This is half his doing. But I'm grateful Paul stepped up to the plate. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess!

"I don't know why I'm crying."

"She's been doing this all weekend. They said it's normal. I called." Paul joins the conversation "She has a follow up in a few days just because of the fever and stuff."

"I'm sorry, Trish. I should have been the one here for you. To take care of you.." Nate admits.

"You're fine, Nate. You have Julia to worry about. I heard it was a chaotic weekend."  I sniff and wipe my eyes. Paul's alarm goes over. He set it for us so we know when I can take the pain killers, when to take the antibiotics , all that shit. He even writes it all down for me to keep track.

"I'm gonna need a few days off, if I'm still working for you." I swallow the painkillers knowing I will feel relief soon.

"Take the week off, love. I already have Vanessa covering for the week and she will cancel anything that isn't urgent."

Of course you already have Vanessa.... I close my eyes tiredly and both Nate and Paul let me rest. They walk in to the kitchen but I can still hear them talking.

"I didn't know it was this bad." I hear Nate say. "I can stay for awhile if you need a break. If you want to go home and rest." 

"No, I'm good here." Paul grumbles. He actually wants to be here. That makes me feel good.

"Ok, Well, if you need anything..."

"She'll be fine. She's mad at you but give her time. You know how she is." Paul walks back into the living room and sits back down next to me. I'm starting to fall asleep so don't fight it now.

Paul actually wants to be here.. I smile and fall asleep.

******

"James. Nate is asking if you would like him to take you to church today." Jonah raises his eyebrows while reading the text. I immediately nod yes and stand up. I have been wanting to go to church since day one. I never miss a Sunday, but had no way of letting anyone know and no one offered. Not even my sisters. I don't even care that it is Nate taking me. Actually this may be a good thing. He could use a little church in his life.

Jonah lets Nate know and quickly helps me get ready. Julia is still half asleep but she writes down the name of my church for Nate. It's not too far.

"I'm not going but are you sure your ok to take him alone?" Jonah hands Nate the paper  when he pulls into the parking garage.

"We'll be fine. It's what...an hour long or something?"

I nod and Jonah helps me with my seatbelt.

"Look at you, Nate Hollan." The nurse smirks at Nate. "Taking your girlfriend's lover to church." He smirks sarcastically and also earns the middle finger. Like I said, Nate could use a little church.

"You're gonna have to tell..... show me what to do, mate. I haven't been to church in a very long time and I think it was a Catholic church, so I know this is different."

We pull up to the church and Nate becomes nervous.  There's no way I could have told him this church is filled with a younger crowd. Everyone will recognize him. He lets me lead the way and I smile at him as a thank you. I feel home here. Everyone knows me. All my friends are like family here. I grew up with these people. Well, once we left Joe. But I can also hear the whispers from the youth  group and even some of their moms when Nate passes through. But these kids are good kids. They know to be respectful  and they are. I pat Nate on the back, knowing how nerve wracking this must be for him.

"I wasn't thinking.."  He whispers to me and I nod. I find Katie and Ma sitting off to the side. I had a feeling Katie wouldn't take mom to the wedding. Poor mom misses out on so many things because of her dementia. Which reminds me, I  can't look at her. And I'm unable to talk to her, which breaks my heart. Instead I make my way over and sit next to Katie. Katie is surprised but thrilled to see me.  I lean over and hug mom while keeping my eyes closed. She realizes it's me, Jamie, and not Joe. She stands up and hugs me. She hugs me for so long. She kisses my cheek and hugs me again and  is teary eyed. It takes her awhile before she sits back down.

 Worship starts and like Julia's first time, I can tell Nate is caught off guard. The music isn't your regular old fashioned church music. It's contemporary Christian music and the band and worship leaders are amazing.  Music like Hillsong United, Newsboys, David Crowder, Skillet. It's like our own concert for God and I glance over to see Nate swaying, just a little, and enjoying the music. He keeps his hands in his pants pockets unlike a lot of people who raise their hands while praising God, but he does look over and smile at me, letting me know he is comfortable.

What I do find hysterical about the way the Lord works is how today's message was about being humble, not of this world, not caring about money or materialistic things. Idolatry. Nate is an idol to a lot of young adults...even some sitting right here in this room. It was like God was sending this message straight to Nate Hollan himself. Him and all his money and cars. His obnoxiously huge apartment which is now a blessing to serve so many other people, and all those damn tvs he owns in every single room.

I wish Julia were here to hear this too though. Maybe it would help my case. It would remind her having money means nothing. I know she already knows this but maybe it would remind her  how good we could be together once I am healed. Obviously not now, but in time. 

I have time. 

It's not like Nate is looking to marry her or anything.

*****