*James*

"Babe, you filled out that survey for them, right?" I ask.

"I did." She feels me hold her a little tighter.

"And you were honest while answering em..." I say in more of a question kind of tone and sit up. Julia turns around and glares at me.

"What are you talking about?" She gets all defensive.

"Nothing, never mind." I move off the bed and back on to the chair in case a nurse comes in, but Julia takes it the wrong way.

"No... tell me."

"I just wanted to make sure you were completely honest with your answers, that's all. They are just trying to make sure nothing is wrong." I try to sugar coat it but know I'm walking on thin ice with Julia. I take her hand in mine and kiss it.

"James. What do they think is wrong? Just say it. You can't fucking say it can you?" She  squints at me now.

"They just think you may have depression. That's all anyone thinks is wrong." 

"What do YOU think is wrong with me?" Julia asks and  I look away from her, focusing on the tv replaying this morning's press conference while trying to come up with the right words without offending her in any way.

"James.." Jules squeezes my hand to get my attention back.

"Julia." I turn back to her and kiss her hand again.

"Answer the question."

"Let's just wait and see what the doctors think, ok? I just want to see you healthy" I answer softly. "It doesn't matter what I think."

"It DOES to ME!" She bursts out and turns to her side facing Nate. "Just answer the question. What do you think is wrong with me? Do you think I'm crazy?" She looks over her shoulder to see me. 

"Right now? Or on a normal day?" I tease her, trying to downplay it.

"You're such a jerk you know that?" Jules huffs and gives in. She's not mad at me. No matter how hard she tries.

"Probably." I smirk She gives me an eye roll and I scoot her over to lay behind her again.

"You're crazy all right." I wrap my arms around her again. "The kind of crazy I'm madly in love with." 

"I never know what I'm gonna get with you. You keep me on my toes. You drive me insane in the bedroom...or up against the wall in the Marriott lobby... or in the chair behind the desk...or this bed right here-" I whisper but get interrupted. By Nate as he is awake and squinting his eyes at the two of us.

"There's still other people in the room. People that don't want to know what you do in the fucking lobby." Nate covers his face with his forearms. "Please for God's sake, I hope you were kidding about the bed right next to me."

"I'm gonna go get food from the cafeteria." I kiss Julia's cheek and get out of her bed, quickly heading out of the room.

I head to the vending machine down the hall and grab another bag of Cheetos as my dinner and a bottle of water. It only takes five minutes and I'm back in the room, sitting down next to Julia again.

"What'd I miss?" I ask, nonchalantly.

"Just that I told Nate I looked at him when we had sex in this bed. Where else was I gonna look?" She shrugs.

"Didn't I already tell you I'm not into throuples, babe?" I laugh, raising my eyebrows at her and continue eating my  Cheetos. 

"How am I the only one who thinks this conversation is weird?!"  Nate looks at us as we laugh and goes back to covering his face with his arms. "Jesus Christ."

Jonah knocks and walks in the room.

"Vital checking time, my friends."

"Don't bother. My blood pressure will be high with these two in the room." Nate says with his arms still over his face.

"Lovers quarrel??" Jonah looks at everyone and me and Julia burst out laughing like two kids.

"When can I get my own room? I'll PAY for it." Nate replies.

"Sorry, man. Your fans are a little wild. We don't have enough security to go around. They LOVE you and HATE her."

"HATE me??? What'd I ever do?" Julia sits up in her bed.

"Envy. Jealousy. People kill for what you have...or had.." Jonah looks at Julia. "Every woman in America wishes they were you right now. Maybe even some men for all I know." Jonah proceeds to listen to Nate's chest. Julia just shakes her head and I throw a Cheeto at her. 

Jonah looks at Nate's trembling hands. "Did that just start back up tonight?" He asks in a softer tone of voice. I never paid attention but looks like my pal over there drinks more than I thought. His hands are shaking just like fucking Joe's when  he doesn't drink for more than 12 hours.

"A little while ago." He says and both me and Julia glance over at him now. Jonah pats his shoulder and continues with the exam.

"We can try and give you something to help calm you, but it's no gonna do the trick." Jonah pulls Nate's chart out and ruffles through some papers. He looks up at him after reading my labs and grabs a chair to sit. 

"Whatever you need to tell me, just say it. They seem to tell me everything anyway. Looks like nothing's private in this room." 

"Your BAC was point thirty five." Jonah looks up at Nate after reading his chart. Holy shit. His BAC was point thirty five?????

 "Nate. You know how if you get pulled over, anything about 0.07 % is considered intoxicated? BAC is your blood alcohol level. Yours was 0.35%. You drank yourself into Alcohol Poisoning."

Julia stares at Nate and I know she is gonna start to get emotional soon.

"We already know you were vomiting. You came in getting sick. Did you, at any point lose consciousness?"

"I mean.. I don't know..." Nate looks to Julia and shrugs.

"He passed out in my hotel room." Julia enters the chat. "I thought he was just trying to sleep it off. I got him to bed and left. When I came back to check on him, he was in the bathroom throwing up blood." Her eyes dart from Nate's to the nurse's.

"I shouldn't have left him alone. I didn't think-" Julia starts crying but Jonah interrupts her. Shit. She thinks this is all her fault.

"At that point there would have been nothing more you could have done, even if you were in the room with him the entire time. The damage was done." Jonah turns back to Nate.

"Nate, you are so lucky to be here right now. I don't think you realize what that percentage means. Never mind blowing a hole through your GI tract, at that level of BAC, you were at risk of going into a coma, your vital organs slowing, and eventually shutting down. Shit, you could have gone into respiratory arrest. That's when you stop breathing completely. Death, Nate."

Jonah doesn't say this in a scare tactic way, he says this in a genuinely concerned way. After reading that number and the knowledge he knows from being a nurse, he was shocked Nate is alive

"I could have died just from drinking too much?" 

 I can sense Julia trying to hold in her crying, not doing a very good job at it.

Jonah nods. "Easily, Nate. How you only punctured your insides and sitting here with us right now... Brother, if you don't believe in a God, now's the time to start." He closes the chart and stands up.

"Your turn." He says solemnly, looking at Julia. The room is stale now after hearing that news. I don't look at Nate who looks like he is ready to cry. I try to give him the privacy he deserves and focus solely on Julia.

The nurse checks Julia's vitals and her IV port.

"He's gonna be fine now though, right??? It's been flushed out of his system by now, right??" Julia talks too fast while asking, making me look over at her.

"He really need to stop drinking. It WILL kill him. But yes, for now, the damage has been done and we have to focus on the healing process now."

I remain quiet, not knowing what to say, Julia cries, and Nate looks like he may have a friggen panic attack from hearing this news.

"Can we please change the topic?"

I glance over at Nate who covers his face with his arms, clearly upset. Julia changes the topic  quickly.

"Do you think I can take a shower tonight?" She asks Jonah. We all turn away from Nate to give him a little privacy while he sniffs and covers his face.

"Depends. Did you eat?" Jonah watches her eyes widen. "I'm just pulling your chain! Yes, You can take a shower. But it'll have to be supervised and with help. You haven't really gotten out of bed today or eaten enough. You still get lightheaded." He explains.

"Like... in front of you??"

"Unfortunately I'm the overnight nurse tonight. I'd have to also get a female nurse to come in the room for liability reasons."

"I can do it myself. Really."

"Jules, you cant even stand up without fucking passing out." Nate says under his breath behind his arms.

"I mean, I can help her." I shrug. "I'll do whatever you need me to do."

"No. James . That's ok." Julia starts blushing. I get it.  We haven't gotten to the point in the relationship to shower in front of each other yet.

"What, I've seen you naked before."  I announce hoping to make her feel better about me helping her. Nate shakes his head and Jonah laughs a little.

"You're right, Nate. You DO need your own room." Jonah tries to lighten things up in hopes to make Nate smile a little. It falls flat.

"James."

"What?" I move in closer and Nate moves his arms away from his face. Jonah decides to look down at the charts in his hand to stay out of the conversation.

"I've never showered in front of anyone besides...Nate." She admit.

"REALLY??" I know WE haven't gotten to that part yet but she never showered with someone before NATE?

"HA!" Nate explodes into laughter. "Finally!! There's something I've done with her that you haven't. Take THAT Gallo." He bursts out. Jonah shakes his head and tries not to laugh while pretending to read the chart and I am speechless.

"Weren't you married for like, 17 years???" I whisper but it can be heard by all.

"It just wasn't something her and her HUSBAND ever did. Can you believe that sonofabitch?" Nate blurts out. 

"It just wasn't, ok? Anyways. FINE. Whatever. Make our first fricken shower a hospital shower ok?"

"Well you're the only one showering. I'm just there for the view, babe."

"And to make sure she doesn't pass out, sir." Jonah corrects me. "I mean it. If she goes down, the liability is on me for saying it was ok for her to shower."

"I got the first bath too." Nate goes on.

"Alright! Oh my God. Yes, Nate. You got the first bath too. Anything else?" Julia glares at Nate now.

"No, That's enough." He smirks and the room lightens up.

"Well, while she does that, I'll still be here in the room if you need help or if she passes out. I need to get Nate to try to stand a little and walk."

Jonah leaves and comes back with some towels and something else that he leaves outside the door. He guides Julia out of bed slowly.

"Stand here for a couple minutes before you try to walk." He adverts his attention to Nate and opens the door to drag in a walker.

"I don't need a fucking walker." Nate glares at the nurse.

"Believe me, the minute you feel pain, you're gonna need the quote unquote fucking walker." Jonah says and goes back to Julia. I am on one side holding Julia's arm and Jonah on the other side.

We walk Julia to the small bathroom and Jonah reminds me to not make the shower too hot or she will pass out again.

"You good?" The nurse asks and we both nod. "Call out for me if you need anything." Jonah says before shutting the door.

"I'm fine, James, really. I can do this myself." Julia is embarrassed.

"Babe, stop. This is no big deal. We will make up for it when you are home, ok? I promise." I untie her hospital gurney and  lean down and kiss her shoulder from behind to help relax her. I  turn on the water and hold her hand as she walks in.

"Is the temp ok?" I ask, getting myself wet a little when I guide one of her hands to hold on to the bar attached to the wall while I hold on to the other hand.

"Perfect." She nods. I help her lean back to get her hair wet and let go of her to squeeze some shampoo in my hand. As I'm washing her hair she closes her eyes and begins to cry.

"Julia.." I rinse her hair and wait for her.

"James." She keeps her eyes closed. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm crying."

I think the anxiety meds and all this stress is really affecting her moods.  I don't dare say anything to her at this moment.

"It's ok, babe." I don't really know what else to say. I unwrap the bar of soap and start washing her up. She cries harder. "Hey, look at me."

Julia opens her eyes. "This is all just a lot for me. I can't believe I'm too weak to even wash myself up." She admits.

"Aww. Sweetie. It's alright. That's what I'm here for, ok? You got sick a LOT and haven't been eating much, of course you are gonna be weak. It will take time." I kiss her cheek and she nods.

I finish washing her the best I can and help her dry off. She is very weak. To the point I AM a little concerned. She needs to eat more. I didn't realize she was struggling with that to this level. I don't know how I didn't realize it. She HAS lost weight since coming to L.A. I don't know how much but it is noticed, and she was tiny before. 

I help her put a new gurney on and walk her back out. The nurse is helping Hollan so I get Julia back in to bed.

"I hate to do this. But I'm not used to handling two people at the same time." Jonah looks at me. "Sir, could you just stand here for a second so he doesn't fall? I need to hook her IV back in."

"I'm fine. REALLY." Nate glares at me but I still go over and stand next to him anyway to make sure he doesn't fall. The nurse realizes what an awkward spot he put everyone in so rushes to get Julia hooked back up. He then takes over for me.

"There's a little bag on her table with a toothbrush, toothpaste, a comb, deodorant and lotion if she needs it. Hospital grade freebies." Jonah tells me and I retrieve the bag for Julia.

*****

*Trisha*

[Sorry to bother you. How is everyone there? ]

I text James while laying in Nate's bed drinking a cup of tea. I keep coming back to his apartment instead of sleeping at home.

 I want to  text Nate but I also need him to rest. I want to be there holding his hand but memories of my mom take over and I just can't do it. 

[Everyone is ok. They are both sleeping now. You good?]

[ Yeah, sorry. I can't bring myself to go back tonight. Hospital settings are a little hard for me since my mom died and I apparently don't do well around blood and puke and all that.] I explain truthfully.

[ I get that. Hey. Thanks for being there for me this afternoon. I'm not usually like this. I don't know what came over me, but I appreciate you sticking around with me.]

I smile after reading that. James tries to always be calm and show no emotion but he's still human and I can't imagine what this is doing to him. Probably the same thing it's doing to me. We both feel helpless. And we both HATE that Nate and Julia are sharing a room.

[ Of course Hot Stuff. Anytime.] I downplay it for James. [ Doctor say anything more about Nate? Sorry. I don't mean to get you in the middle. You don't have to answer. I just know Nate will sugar coat shit and I really want to know what the doctor REALLY says.]

There's a minute  where James doesn't get back to me right away and I wonder if maybe I crossed the line asking about Nate before Julia. I lay down and am about to shut my light off when my phone notification goes off showing that he texted me back.

[ I guess the nurse read his labs and he did some real damage. His alcohol level was high. REALLY high.]

[How high James.] I respond right away. These are the things I need to know. I sit back up and wait for him to respond.

[His blood alcohol level was a 0 .35 Intoxication level is anything about 0.07. He is lucky to be alive.]

Oh my GOD! I cover my mouth with my hand in shock at that number. He for sure could have died. I instantly start crying and wishing I went back to the hospital to be with Nate. I also wish I wasn't here alone  reading this. I lay down on Nate's pillow and take in his scent again and cry.

Nate could have died.

*****

*James*

Trisha doesn't get back to me after I texted her Nate's alcohol level. I feel bad I was the one to tell her and I know she's upset.  I decide to give her a little while before reaching out again. I leave the room while Nate and Julia are sleeping and buy another water bottle. I'm starting to run out of money and will have to bring my own and refill it with tap water next time.

When I walk back into the room, Julia is in the middle of one of her bad dreams. She was completely fine five minutes ago!

"Shit." I scramble to find the light and turn it on. Julia is sitting up in bed crying but still sleeping.

"Help her! I can't get out of the fucking bed." Nate glares at me  as I slide a chair closer to Julia and sit down. He has no clue how this works, does he??

"James! Fucking do something!" Hollan yells but I ignore him.

"It's a dream Julia. That's all this is. Take a deep breath." I say softly.

Jonah comes through the door quickly. Nate is freaking out and must have hit the call button.

"Jonah! You need to try to wake her up! He's just fucking sitting there!" Nate yells hoarsely and his monitor goes off.  I watch him rip the cuff off his arm and slams the mute button, knocking the whole machine over. The nurse pays no attention.

"Does this happen often?" Jonah asks me but I really don't know how often this happens to be honest.

"I mean. We haven't really been together that long. I've seen it happen maybe two or three times?"

"Two or three times? Jonah, this happens almost every night." Nate interrupts. "He's just sitting there! Do something!"

"No. Nate, you have to let her ride it out. If you try to wake her, or even touch her, it will make it worse. She could hurt you and not realize it. You have to stay calm. Where's your cuff??" The nurse scurries to hook me up but Nate gives him a hard time.

"No, you don't understand. You need to hold her and wake her up. Her dreams are awful. They're not just dreams, Jonah! Their flashbacks of shit that's really happened to her. She's reliving them. You HAVE to wake her up!"

Julia cries harder and rips at her gurney. "I can't breathe!"

"Yes you can. Take a deep breath, inhale, Julia. You can breathe just fine.." I move in closer, seeing she's coming close to the end of her nightmare. 

"YOU need to calm down." The nurse tells Nate.  "He's doing the right thing over there."

Jonah sits on the chair next to Nate with his chart, jotting down his vitals.

"I can't believe you aren't helping her."

"Nate, when she does this, do you try to wake her up? Does she grab on to you or give you black and blue marks when you try to hold her?" Jonah stops writing in the chart and looks up at Nate from his chair.

"Of course I wake her up. She shouldn't have to go through this. Once is too many. She's reliving her kid's death over and over again."

"And she'll grab on to you and hold on. Tight right? So tight you get bruises."

"Who cares. He needs to wake her up."

"No. He's absolutely doing the right thing. He's either been through this himself or dealt with it with someone else. He's is doing exactly what needs to be done, and when she starts to wake up, THEN you can hold her and comfort her. Sorry, my friend. You've been doing it all wrong for however long you've been with her."

Nate huffs and look away.

Julia rips her IV right out of her hand and I lookover at the nurse.

"Just leave it. We'll hook her back up later." He puts Nate's chart down and walks over to move the dangling IV cord away from her.

"She's gonna stop soon." I say, almost to myself and the nurse pats me on the back and nods.

"Oh my God!" Julia cries out and opens her eyes. I wrap my arms around her tight now and console her.

"Shh. It's ok, babe. It was only a dream." I whisper and hold her. Jonah grabs her chart and starts writing in it. 

"It felt so real!" Julia gasps trying to catch her breath.

"Tell me what you remember." I hold her and rock her while she talks.

"I was in the hospital. I had to be the one to sign the papers. No one could find Luke! I had to do it on my own!! I had to be the one to take Danny off life support. Who does that!!?? What kind of mother does something like that?!!" Julia wails loudly and my heart drops to the floor.

Jesus Christ. Where WAS her damn husband through all this?

"It felt like I was right there in that room all over again." Julia comes back to reality and we both hear Nate's heart rate monitor go off.

"I'm so sorry!" Julia turns to Nate. "I didn't mean for you to get all worked up. That's all my fault!" My eyes dart to the high numbers on his monitor and back at him.

"No, Jules. None of this is your fault." Nate shakes his head at her and she suddenly tries to get out of her bed. Fortunately Jonah stops her right away. 

"Ohhh no you don't. Not by yourself. No blacking out on my watch. Anyways, you ripped out your IV, I need to replace it." Jonah nods over to the tube dangling from the IV bag on the hook.

"Nate. I'm so sorry." She lays back down and let Jonah do what he needs to do.

"None of this is your fault, Julia. He's going through detox. Look at him. He's a trembling, anxious mess. His numbers will be all over the place for a few days. He's just starting the beginning stages." The nurse explains. Nate looks away.  I sit back down and hold Julia's hand.

"Is this why you started taking the Ativan? These night terrors?" Jonah asks with a sympathetic look. Julia nods yes.

"My doctor prescribed them to me after my son passed away. I just needed to sleep. That's all. I didn't mean to make a habit out of it." 

"We'll get you situated ok? Tomorrow the doctor will go over your survey with you and will hook you up with everything you need to get you though this. Sleep specialist, Psychiatrist, counselor, maybe someone who specializes in addiction, possible grief therapy," The nurse pauses, "and tackle your eating disorder."

"I don't have an eating disorder." 

She feels me squeeze her hand a little, not meaning to do it. My eyes are glued to the nurse as he talks.

"Julia. You do. Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not." Jonah says boldly. "You barely ate today. It was noted and red flagged in your chart. Everything is monitored. Every meal."

"Tell him, Nate. I ate today. You watched me." Her eyes dart over to Nate who wipes his face with both hands in frustration.

"Half a sandwich and a fruit cup." Nate tells the nurse.

"All day... That's what it says in your notes too. That's what you've consumed all day. Less that 500 calories in an entire day. What's the longest amount of time you have gone without food?"

"I don't know... a few hours?"

"Jules." Nate closes his eyes for a second. 

"Oh my gosh, are you serious, Nate?! That was one time!" 

"Longer than a few hours?" Jonah looks back and forth between Julia and Nate.

"She went from a Friday afternoon until a Monday afternoon without eating or drinking anything. I'm sorry, Jules. The only way to make sure you get better is to tell him everything." Nate looks away. 

"Three days?" I squeeze her hand a little harder. I had no idea she went three days without food or fluids. That scares me.

"Nate, I wasn't feeling good!!" Julia looks back at Jonah. "I wasn't feeling good."

"Like a stomach bug?" Jonah tries to dig deeper.

"No, she had one of her..." Nate pauses. "I don't even know what to call them. She just...shuts down. She didn't get out of bed the entire weekend. Didn't eat-"

"Nate!" She interrupts him.

"Didn't sleep-"

"Ok! He gets it!" She screams out to stop him from saying anything more.

"She passed out that Monday." Nate keeps going, regardless.

"Oh my gosh that was ONE bad weekend. Are you kidding me right now?"

"How often does this happen?" The nurse now only talks to Nate, needing more information on this medical concern.

"A few times. When she went back home to Boston, two weeks later her roommate called me because she wasn't eating or getting out of bed." Nate answers.

"And one time she was starting to shut down...when Nate had his heart attack. We had to have Paul, her bodyguard, escort her back into my kitchen. She ate one slice of pizza just to shut everyone up. Nate warned us this happens sometimes so we knew to look out for it. I'm sorry..." I  look Julia when I apologize. But the nurse needs to know this shit. Julia pushes my hand away, feeling betrayed now.

"Seriously?! There was a lot going on, you know this!" She start crying. "I can't believe you guys right now!!"

"Jules." Nate looks at Julia,and I can tell he feels bad.

"Jules nothing!" She flips over in bed and shuts down again. "God I can't take you people sometimes!" I rub her arm to try to comfort her though I don't think it does much. 

"Everyone's just trying to help you." Jonah says softly. "They both care about you. Everyone just wants to make sure you leave here with the resources to get you back on track, Ok? We can talk more about it when the doctor comes in tomorrow." Jonah nods at both Nate and myself and quietly leaves the room.

"Julia.." I lean in to Julia who has now curled up into her little ball and buried her face in the blanket while she cries. All I want to do is hold her. I feel so bad that things turned sour like that.

"James." Julia pauses. "Just go home."

"Cmon... you know I'm not doing that."

"Please. then just leave the room." She says now in almost a whisper. I nod and do what she says, closing the door behind me.

I look over at Jonah who is at the nurse station typing on the computer.

"I didn't know it was this bad." I run my fingers through my hair feeling defeated. "I had no idea."

"People tend to be real good at hiding things. She's a pro. But you're right. This is pretty bad. She has a lot of things to overcome. Unfortunately, I don't foresee her getting discharged from the hospital anytime soon. The doctors really need to get her on some antidepressants and make sure she is stable. She's not gonna be happy when she hears this." The nurse explains and gives me an empathetic look. "I know this is hard for you...and Mr. Hollan." He sighs.

"Yeah.  I really don't know how I feel right now." I admit.

"And that's ok too. There's a lot to process. She has a lot going on wrapped up in that one body." He nods and I drop my shoulders down feeling completely depleted. 

Paul is now almost asleep in a chair and Max, the other body guard is taking over for awhile. I pace and wait a few more minutes. When I do open the door...God dammit... She's in fucking Hollan's bed. And that can only be HER doing. He can't get up. He can't even move for Chrissakes.

But there she is. in Nates arms asleep. All he can do is shrug his shoulders. I can't even friggen blame him this time either. This one is all Julia. She's all over the place in that head of hers.

"Oh Julia..." I and and pick  her up, gently carrying her to her own bed while rolling her IV stand with my foot. I make sure her IV cord doesn't get tangled and kiss her cheek. She curls up in to her little ball.

"Love you." Julia whispers in her sleep and neither me or Nate know which one of us she is referring to. We both look at each other and shake our heads finding common ground. We both will somehow always love this broken woman.

"I'm gonna go sleep in my own bed tonight. Tell her I'll be back first thing in the morning." I say to Nate but look at his hands that are noticeably shaking.

I leave the room. I leave the unit. I leave the building.

Feeling like I'm losing Julia every second she spends in that room with Nate.

****