*Trisha*

For once, I'd love for Nate to tell me he needs me the way I need him. I know he needs me- He wouldn't even know where his clothes get sent for dry-cleaning. I don't mean like that.

"Trish, you do this all the time, love."

"Do what?" I dump my tea out and stand in front of Nate.

"You break it off with someone and blame me."  He tucks my hair behind my ears and sighs.

Nate just doesn't get it, does he? 

"You're not in love with me, angel. You're in love with the idea of me. That's all this is." He downplays my feelings yet swipes my tear away with his thumb.  "You don't want to be with me. You deserve better. SO much better. You deserve someone good like James or Paul. You don't want this."

I put my hands on his hips, but he shoves his hands in his pockets. Almost like- to make sure he doesn't flirt with me. I know Nate. I know the things that run through his head. I also know how to take care of him.  More than Julia ever will.

"What if I DO want this, though?"  I lean up and kiss the spot on his neck that turns him on the most.

"You don't want to be in love with me, you just want to be loved."

"Doesn't matter what I want. It is what it is." I whisper against his neck. "And James will always be in love with Julia. We were never going to work out. You think I WANT to be in love with YOU, playboy? I don't. You're a fucking shit show. Just like I'm sure James would rather be in love with someone more stable. Moretti is anything but stable." 

"You're not lying there, dollface."

********

*James*

"James, you broke up with Trisha because you're hung up on me? You know I'm marrying Nate."

Hung up on her? Is that what she thinks this is? Julia knows better than that. She knows we are fucking perfect together.

"It's not just me, Julia. She's in love with Nate and probably always will be."

"James, EVERYONE is in love with Nate Hollan." Julia replies. "And you deserve someone SO much better than me. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. I will always be a mess."

"I know. Doesn't change the way I feel." I clumsily tuck her hair behind her ear but leave my hand on her cheek.

"I don't know what to say to this."

"You don't have to say anything. I get it. It's all been said before. I just wish you needed me the way I need you."

I kiss the corner of her mouth.

"James..."

"Julia." I pause. "They are probably doing this same thing right now." I remind Julia of how Nate and Trisha do this exact same thing, right before I kiss her lips again. And again. I start to harden against her stomach and deepen our kiss. "And anyway, you owe me." 

I pull Julia's leg up to rest on my hip and we begin to make out. "You were rude to me today. You don't get to be rude to me without paying the price."

"Is that what this is?" She inhales sharply, now feeling all the things I'm feeling.

"Take your clothes off." I demand. And Julia does. She sits up in bed and undresses with lust filled eyes.

"Now take mine off."  I laugh a little at myself. Julia knows I can't really take my own clothes off without it being a project. I sit up and she pulls my shirt off me, then pulls down and off my sweatpants. "Everything." I demand again.

Julia bites her bottom lip with a slight nod and takes my boxers off.

"Get on top of me."

"Is this the "Do anything you want" game because you are very demanding, Mr. Gallo."

"That's exactly what this is." I pull Julia in and show her how good she has it with me. I show her how good we feel together. How good we ARE together. I show her until she's pulling my hair and saying my name. I show her so much she will be feeling this tomorrow. Maybe the next day.

*******

*Trisha*

I flirt with Nate and he pulls me in against his body and kisses me. But it's a peck on the lips, not his passionate kiss. This is Nate letting me know me and him? We're never going to happen. We can have sex a trillion and one times with each other, but the reality is- Nate's heart is with Julia. Not me. So when I cry in his chest, he holds me and hugs me and comforts me. As much as it hurts, I DO need to move on, though I don't think I will ever be able to entirely move on from Nate without cutting ties all together. Quitting my job and moving to some deserted island far far away from him. That's not happening.

And for once in the man's fucking life, he does the right thing. Nate kisses my forehead, wipes my tears, walks me to my room, and leaves.

***

The next morning it's like nothing ever happened between us. We are still best friends. Maybe even best friends with benefits, who knows. But we will never be a couple. I watch Jonah take Nate's blood pressure like he does every morning.

"You sure you don't want to come to The Avalon with me?" Nate looks my way as I pour Evan a cup of coffee. To be honest, I'm not really sure why the guy is here right now. We don't technically need his services until tour but I'm going to take advantage of this hot stud while we have him.

"Nope. I have some errands to run." Aside from a hair appointment, I don't, but I'll find something.

"Take Evan with you, please. You went out yesterday without a bodyguard. You seem to have forgotten about your idiot ex-boyfriend lurking around."

"Are you feeling under the weather?" Jonah takes the blood pressure off and jots down Nate's numbers.

"I feel fine. Why?" He gets up and puts bowl from breakfast in the sink.

"140 over 90, Nate."

Wait. 140/90. That's high for someone just sitting there eating breakfast. Too high. I look over at Casey who shares the same thought but Nate only shrugs.

"I mean, I'm fine. Feel fine. Not stressed."

"That's why they call it the silent killer." I shake my head and gain a look from Jonah. "What? It's true. It's a good thing he has you taking his blood pressure every day and documenting it all. You need Jonah around to keep up with this shit. We all know you never will."  I stand up and turn to Evan."Anyway, I have a hair appointment. You coming or can I go alone?"

"Coming." Evan dumps out his coffee and is on the job now. He looks at the basket of all Nate's car keys on the counter.  I think he has 7 here in L.A. Never mind the cars he owns in London. "Benz?"

"Over my dead body." Nate shakes his head no. Oh Evan, cute, sweet, dumb Evan. Nate will NEVER let you drive his Mercedes.

"Don't die today Hollan." I loll my head towards Nate who smirks, making me laugh, before entering the elevator with Evan.

"What's it with him and that car anyway?" The bodyguard asks.

"That's his baabbbyyy.  I'm not sure he's even let Paul drive the Benz and he's known him since we were teenagers!"

Evan pouts hearing this.

*******

*James*

Jeremy Donovan spends most of his waking hours looking for Julia, that much I've learned since being at the Avalon. No wonder the other patients give her a hard time. The doctor focuses on Julia and only Julia. The kid doesn't give her any damn breathing room. Like this morning when we go to the cafeteria for breakfast. The guy comes into the room searching to see where Julia's at and ignores the rest of the people here.

Once Jeremy reaches our table, Mike swoops in as Julia's bodyguard. I wonder if Nate pays him to be the guy on the inside for Julia until Paul's paperwork goes through.

"You need to tackle a little more on that plate of yours." Jeremy looks down at Julia's full tray of food. She pays no attention to him and puts my toast in my hand for me.

"You're stalling." He sits down across from us next to Mike and raises a brow.

"I'm detoxing." Julia retorts.

"You're stalling." Jeremy repeats. "We need to have a med check at some point today, too. Is the new med making you feel nauseous, or jittery, any weird side effects, bad dreams or anything like that?"

Julia drops her fork and fumbles to pick it up, gaining our attention. Is she having side effects? She never mentioned anything to me.

"Sorry. Hands are a little shaky." She says softly to me.

"Julia-" Jeremy is persistent but so isn't his patient. She doesn't acknowledge him. He slouches down and takes a deep breath. "Fine. But I'm scheduling a therapy session with you for this afternoon. You can skip the Grief Therapy meet. We need to go over your meds."

"Those Grief Therapy sessions aren't working out for me. It just makes me think of him more. I rather not." Julia hands me my coffee cup and waits for me to get a good grip before letting go. "And now..." She shakes her head.

"Now what? Finish your sentence."

But Julia doesn't finish her sentence. She looks at all of us and then takes a bite of her eggs so she can't answer. Casey does this same thing when she has a secret and doesn't want to spill the beans.

"Come to my office at 2pm." He gets up and leaves to tend to another patient.

"You're sketchy." Mike snorts and fills his mouth with waffles.

"She's sketchy all right." Cara cackles as she walks by. "I don't know what Nate sees in you."

"Thanks, Cara." Julia mumbles making me laugh.

"Don't egg her on." She squints her eyes at me, but I shrug her off and continue sipping my coffee. "I'm going to refill my coffee. Want more?"

I nod and watch her and Mike Maloney walk to the coffee bar across the room. Nate's little sister takes this moment to plop down across from me with her tray. I raise both my eyebrows at her and she smiles.

"I don't see it." Cara feeds her face and studies mine. 

"See what?" I ask.

"What you and my brother see in that lady. I really don't. She's pretty and all but..." Cara twirls her finger near her ear suggesting Julia is crazy and I burst out laughing, almost spilling my coffee. This kid. She realizes where we are and all, right?

"I think you all are a little... you know..." I chuckle.

"Uh- uhhh. Not me. I'm perfect. I'm only here so my brother doesn't have to take care of my sorry ass." Her little British voice says. God she is a mini-Nate Hollan.

"I can guarantee that is NOT the reason you are here."

*******

*Trisha*

Like Paul, Evan is a good sport about things. Like sitting in a chair for an hour and a half during my hair appointment. Not like he has a choice in the matter, it's kind of his job. This is my time to ignore my phone, not check my emails, not respond to texts. And I don't. I leave my phone with my bodyguard who places it with his own phone on the table next to him.

But I should know better. Because the minute I'm done and paid, the minute Evan hands me my phone and I open the first text, I'm back to work.

"Motherfucker." I mutter, reading an email from Richard. "I'm going to need you to take me to Modern Music Studios. I have a meeting to attend."

"Sure thing." Evan holds the door open for me and escorts me to the car. The drive to the studio is a silent one because Evan can tell I'm working- reading and responding multiple messages. I turn around to make sure I have my laptop bag in the backseat when Evan taps on the breaks a little too hard.

***

"James! The light!" I screamed, but it was too late. By the time James noticed we went through the intersection, the impact of the crash had happened.

The SUV spins around before tipping, and the next thing I know, we are upside down. My hand flies up to my head from the impact of hitting the dashboard.

"OH MY GOD! JAMES!!"

**** 

That one simple tap of the breaks too hard brought me right back to the accident. I swivel over so I'm facing forward again and hold on to my seatbelt.

"Sorry." Evan apologizes then looks over at me. I'm tense and can tell all the color has drained from my face. My eyes are already glossy and hands trembling. "Shit. Sorry."

 Flashes of the car accident play games in my head and my chest heaves a little more noticeably.  

The paramedics. The distinct smell of the burning SUV. Turning and seeing James, unconscious. The blood. The windshield. The Blood. Malcolm. The blood.

"You're fine. It's fine."

But it's not fine. It's been months. This has happened before. With Paul. With Nate. For the first time in like forever, I understand Julia's PTSD. I can't seem to get over this.

"Trisha." Evan can tell I'm reliving shit in my head. "Trisha, we're almost there. Ok?"

I nod and try to stay in the here and now. Evan doesn't say anything more. He doesn't pester me to go talk to a shrink like Nate and Paul would or put me behind the wheel like they did. It's not until we are parked at the studio and the car is idle that he speaks again.

"You have a little PTSD, huh?" Evan shifts in his seat to face me more. I shrug but he scratches the side of his face with a nod. "I know that look. My father spent a few years serving. Army sent him to Afghanistan for a few years when I was 10. He gets that same look you just had. Like you're far away. Reliving shit."

I nod and now feel bad. I don't really know Evan well at all. Never mind any family history. The war in Afghanistan began after the 9/11 attacks in 2001 and didn't end until 2021.

 I recall Paul telling me a little about his family. He lost his dad and two older brothers from the 9/11 attacks. His dad was a firefighter, and two older brothers, Greg and Patrick I think were their names, both worked at the World Trade Center. Paul was 22 when he lost his family. His mother is in a place like the Avalon in New York. I wonder if Evan and Paul know they have this thing in common? Evan's dad fought in the war against the people that killed Paul's family. No wonder these two are such excellent bodyguards. Protectors. It's in their blood. Their fathers are both heroes. 

I find myself thinking about Paul while Evan jabbers away. We were good together, weren't we? Paul took care of me, even when Nate checked out on me. I still get mad thinking about how Nate treated me when I was pregnant. I almost lost my fucking job. Paul was the one to read the What To Expect When You're Expecting pregnancy book with me, not Nate. Paul was the one helping me when I got sick.

Then.... when I had the miscarriage... it was Paul who took care of me. Not Nate. Why the hell am I always so hung up on Hollan? I'm wrecking some good opportunities, good relationships with other people because of it. Relationships that could have been something. 

Something real. 

Like what I had with Paul.