*Trisha*

Nate only has a half-hour break in between studio sessions today, so it's up to me to make sure he is eating and taking care of himself.  I have no choice but to door dash since Paul, aka my bodyguard, is getting his physical done before the tour. Plus... I can't seem to get over my fear of driving. Paul has been trying with me, and he's extremely encouraging, but once the panic sets in, I can't get out of it.

I ordered exactly what Nate eats, a grilled chicken salad, but he's preoccupied texting on his phone.

"What's the matter? You're not hungry?" I ask when I see Nate push his food to the side and continue on his phone.

He shakes his head and shows me his conversation with Jonah.

What the hell is going on over there?! Nate does NOT need this added stress.

"You've got to be shitting me. What was that doctor thinking? We need to get Moretti better for tour, not worse! She's not gonna be ready, Nate."

Am I the only one who sees this as a huge problem here?? Going on tour for an entire year takes a toll on the most mentally stable people. How the hell is someone like Julia going to handle the stresses? Nate shouldn't have to be worrying about this stuff. I watch Nate get up and begin to pace nervously.

"Can you please sit down and eat? You're gonna damage that heart of yours more if you don't have lunch." I tease by the reality is, I'm so nervous right now.  Nate can tell right away so sits down and forces himself to eat.

We sit in silence and eat lunch but it's my turn to be preoccupied on my phone when  I see the text come in. I glance at it. Then reread it.

[Do you think there's a chance we can meet before you go on tour? I'd like to run something by you.]

Why would Jeremy Donovan be texting me? The last time I talked to him was when I cancelled our last therapy session at the Marriott. The day I cancelled and Julia was in the room. The day he raped her...again.

[ Got a hot date waiting for you or something?]  Nate slides his phone over and then I show him the text. This is the last thing I want  to do to Nate. Add more stress.

[ Why would he contact you?]

"I'm not sure. Maybe because I was his patient? But I made it like I wasn't ever really close to Julia." 

[ I'd talk to Elliott first. I don't know if you can even have contact with the guy, being associated with me and I'm obviously associated with Julia.]

"Good idea." I begin to text Elliott to see what I should do.  I really have nothing to say to Jeremy. He leaves a bad taste in my mouth now. I don't even want to be near him to be honest.

[ I should be there with her]

Nate slides his phone over while I'm texting his publicist. I glance at it and huff. His brain is still occupied with Julia while I've got her fucking rapist contacting ME? Is he kidding me right now?

"No. You shouldn't. You should be right here working. This is why you pay the big bucks for her to go there. So they can handle her and you can work. You wouldn't go there for Cara every time she has a fucking meltdown." I admit the truth. Nate can't handle his sister and in my eyes, Julia is just like Cara. I don't know why he doesn't take a step back and let the professionals, the people trained in this shit,  take care of Julia so Nate can focus on his work.

[You're soft as a porcupine, you know that? You lack sensitivity when it comes to Julia]

I raise a brow at Nate and he does the same to me, making me smirk. I text instead of talk to put him in his place.

[grow a set of balls]

[classy] Nate responds the exact same time Elliott does.

"Elliott said yes, I can most likely meet Jeremy if it's at The Avalon, like an appointment. I don't know if I want to go there..." 

Yeah, not happening. I'm sorry but you're not gonna catch me step a foot into that facility. No fucking way. I don't respond to Elliott and clean up lunch, dismissing the conversation completely.

"Times up, playboy. Get strummin on that guitar of yours." I look up at the clock but Nate isn't done with me yet. He grabs my arm to get my attention while we are walking down the hall to the recording studio.

[If you go see him I'm going with you. Or Paul. You're not going alone.]

I read his message and nod. But I'm not going to The Avalon. I don't care what Jeremy has to say to me. I can't handle that hospital shit and a psychiatric hospital? Ya, no thanks.

*****

*James*

"So this is it then, huh? You really want to go on tour with Nate Hollan? Just because of Julia?" Ashley eyes me during our lunch date. Ash and Gwen both have today off work so decided to take me to lunch. They are trying to spend as much time with me before I travel but I can tell this whole 'gone for a year' thing isn't sitting well with my sisters.

We sit in on of the front tables at Sullivan's tap for some pub food for lunch. I order a burger, Ashley chicken fingers and of course, a salad for Gwen. She has always been self conscious about her weight, being a little heavier than the rest of my sisters, but living off salad isn't healthy either.

"Gwen, you need to eat more than a salad." I  say when I see Gwen look down at her plate in disgust.

"Says the guy who drinks salad in the form of smoothies for breakfast. You're no better, pal."

If I could get my hands to coordinate today I'd throw a french fry right at her face and force her to eat it. But I need help and have to ask Ashley for assistance. My sisters are great, don't get me wrong. But they can't read me like Julia can. Julia can just tell when I'm struggling with things and takes over to help without me having to  ever ask. But the girls don't get those signals yet. We don't see each other enough.

"Sorry." I say now a bit embarrassed. "Can you just help me grab the burger. Once it's in my hands I'm good. I just can't..." I try to pick up the burger but fumble.

"Oh my gosh, yeah of course! Sorry, Jamie. I didn't realize-" Ash stops short but continues to help me with my food. She didn't realize I was still having issues?? She's not that observant is she?

"As I was saying," Gwen continues. "You're not dating Julia. He is. They are getting married. Why would you still want to go? To torture yourself more?"

"She's my best friend. We don't go six hours without seeing each other. This has nothing to do with who she is dating, Gwen. she takes really good care of me."

"We can take care of you." Ashley chimes in.

"Can you? You thought I'd be able to pick up this food on my own, didn't you? You have no idea what I go through Ash. I'm not saying that in a rude way. Just...in a truthful way. I need help with things.  A lot of things. Things I don't want to put on you girls." I take a huge bite of my burger so I stop talking, knowing I'm gonna say something I'll regret.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" She continues.

"You're not serious. Ashley, you're aware my coordination is shit, right? Do you even pay attention?" I knew that came out harsh and take a deep breath. "Sorry. I didn't mean that to come out the way it sounded. You just have to no idea what it's like to be in this body. I need help with EVERYTHING. I can't button or zipper a pair of jeans. So guess what...I either live in athletic clothes or need someone to help me every damn time I gotta take a piss. I can't shower myself thanks to my inability to hold a fucking bar of soap so I need help with that too. I stutter and fumble with my words when I get tired and sometimes don't make sense. Guys, I can't even fall asleep by myself without having a panic attack." I look away now, feeling the heat rise to my face. "And I can't help it. It's all part of the brain injury. I don't want to put you guys through that shit."

"So how do you finally fall asleep??" Gwen asks curiously now.

"Julia used to have to lay down with me  until I fell asleep. Now she sits on the recliner and either holds my hand or rubs my back. It's like I'm a fucking five year old. I hate it. But I can't calm down. I have all this PTSD shit going on in my head, and the coma messed up the wiring in my brain. There's just a lot going on that you guys aren't aware of. Julia knows how to take care of me. She's good at it and she never minds. It gives her a purpose. Julia needs a purpose. You see and hear about her life all over the the news and internet. You know she struggles with depression and mental illness. Helping me helps her. Taking care of me, helps me take care of her." I don't know why I feel the need to explain this to my sisters but I do. And I keep talking while we eat.

"So if that means I travel with her and be the third wheel for a year just so I can be with her, that's what I'll do. I still love Julia. I'll always love her and I'm never gonna give up on trying. Because at the end of the day I know she belongs with me. She constantly goes back and forth between me and Nate."

"Jamie. She's wearing a two million dollar rock on her finger. TMZ already told us..and the entire world, the price of that engagement ring. She lies in a different world than we do." Ashley tells me the obvious but it's only part true.

"Julia may live in Nate's world but it's not her  world. She could give two shits about money. She has never cared or been impressed with Nate's money or materialistic things. You know she once ..well a few times..has said she could see herself living in my little bungalow house? You've both seen Nate's huge penthouse suite. It's the size of a damn Target Store. It doesn't impress her. That's not Julia."

"So then why is she with him if she can see herself living with you in your little house??"

"Exactly." I don't answer Gwen's question. No one really knows why Julia is with Nate. She just loves two men at the same time. Always has. She has always assured me there is no comparison between me and Nate yet we both make her feel a certain way.  She loves us both. But right now? Right now she's in love with Nate Hollan. The rate Julia changes her mind, that could change and I will be right there waiting for her when it does.

******

*Trisha*

 Paul comes into the building as we are walking down the hall and hands me his paperwork for the tour.

"Clean bill of health." He announces.

Paul is going to be with me for the rest of the day now. I have a feeling Nate will go to The Avalon after work to see what the hell is going on.

"Lets get outta here, sexy."  I look up at Paul, already packed and ready to go. "Oh, by the way. We're gonna bring your voice coach on tour for the first few weeks while you heal."  I remind Nate. He knows I'm on top of things. He nods and we go our separate ways.

"Your turn." Paul hops into the passenger seat.

"No. C'mon. Don't do this to me today." I pout. Paul is adamant about getting me over my fear of driving.

"Oh, it's happening, Banks."

I can do this. 

But I can't. My hands become clammy before I even start the engine. My eyes dart around the parking lot. What the hell is my issue?

"Trisha..." I feel Paul's eyes like lasers on me.

"I'm trying, ok? Give me a minute. Jesus Christ." I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand and hold on to the steering wheel with both hands in a death grip. "God damn it, Paul. You saw what happened last time!"

"I did."

I drop my forehead on to the steering wheel  and begin to cry. I'm humiliated. I can't believe I'm  crying over this. I haven't even started driving and I'm having a fucking panic attack.

"I can't." I repeat, unable to look over at Paul. I keep my head down and continue acting like a baby.

"Ok. Ok." Paul can't handle crying. He looks at me with pity and gets out of the car so we can switch places.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult." I sniff.

"I know you're not." Paul takes my hand. "Good Lord, your shaking Trisha."

"I know!! I don't know how to get past this! Don't you think I want to?" I cry.

"Ok. It's fine. I won't push you like this again. Where do you want to go?"

Paul gives in and drives, now feeling bad about my panic attack over driving. We run my errands for a good hour and a half before we head back to Nate's.

Once upstairs, I see Julia sleeping on James on the couch.

"What happened now?" I whisper. "And where's Nate?"

"Today was bad." James mutters as Paul plops down on the recliner. He's such an old man. I sit down on the other end of the sectional as James explains what happened at The Avalon.

"They wanted her to talk about her rape?! For fuck's sake, that's like reliving it all over again. This is ridiculous. Where's Nate?" I stand up now.

"I think he's having his own version of shutting down. He went into his room and closed the door." James responds. I shake my head and barge into Nate's room.

"No way. We aren't doing this today. You don't have time to go blocking out the world, Playboy." I pull open the curtains and the sunlight hits Nate right in the face. He recoils like a vampire and flips over to his stomach.

"Don't you have shit to do?" He whispers, trying not to use his voice too much like the doctor said. He then pulls the pillow over his head.

"Yeah. I do. And babysitting you isn't on that list."  I rip the pillow away and flop onto the bed. "Hey.." I say seriously now. "Talk." 

 Nate gives in and lays on his side to see me. I watch him grab his phone and start texting me now. He then presses the phone to his forehead and closes his eyes for a second before showing me. I read his text message and can tell this was really hard for Nate to finally admit. I'm not gonna rag on him or tell him 'I told you so.' This is really affecting him.

[She's not gonna be ready, Trish. I don't know what to do This is all going to be too much for Julia. Traveling. Being on tour. She's so excited. I'm excited. James and Casey are excited. I don't know what my options are here]

I try to think of options without upsetting Nate. He really wants this to work out. Not just for Julia, for everyone.

"What about if she stays the Avalon for the first leg of tour? Then when you are back in the states in a few months she can join you?" I ask.

[I can't leave her there knowing Donovan is there. And what about James? He's not gonna come with us on tour without Julia. Where will he go?]

"His sisters?"

 I don't know what other options there are. I want James to come on tour. More than anything. He could use a vacation. He shouldn't have to miss out on this experience because if Julia. But I know James. He won't go without her. Not even for me. We are friends but they are best friends...maybe more. Certainly more in his eyes. 

"Maybe the new meds will kick in by then and she'll improve." I try to be positive. I push Nate's hair away from his forehead and try to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction. Nate does not need this stress. God, everything that involves Julia is stressful.  Everything.

Nate begins to text again and I patiently wait for him to hand over his phone. But before he does he looks at me with watery eyes, blinking back tears.

[I hope so. Trish, I know you aren't keen on the idea of Julia coming with me, but I really want this to happen. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but you and I both know this is gonna be my last tour.]

I read the text again.  And again. Then pull Nate against me and wrap my arms around him for a hug. I feel his body shake a little letting me know how hard he is trying to hold in his emotion.

"It sounds like you're giving up."

****

*James*

"Good morning." I tease Julia when she wakes up in my arms. "Just kidding. It's only three in the afternoon."

Julia rolls her eyes at me.

"Jonah told me a little about this morning. Wanna talk about it, babe?"

"Nope." 

I laugh when Julia's stomach growls so loud it gets the dog's attention.

"I made you a grilled cheese. Myself." I say proudly. Once home from lunch with my sisters Casey helped me make it. She's been really good with trying to get me to do things. The more I do, the stronger my coordination will become.

Julia sits up all the way when she hears me announce this.

"Casey is trying to get my hands to cooperate more. She monitored me, of course. But I didn't burn the building down." I lean over and grab the paper plate covered in foil, putting it on Julia's lap.

"You made this yourself?" She pulls off the foil and sees two grilled cheese sandwiches. "I'm so proud of you James!" 

Then Julia throws her arms around my neck, excited for me and my little accomplishment.

She kisses me.

I know it was a slip up by the way she backs up real fast and locks eyes with mine. She can't do these things and not expect me to react. I will take whatever I can get from her. Whatever she gives me.

"Sorry. I didn't mean-" Julia starts but I cut her off abruptly with a kiss of my own. She melts into me for a split second before coming to her senses and breaking our kiss. She leans her forehead against mine and I can tell she felt what I felt. She always does. She tries to deny it but I can read her like a book.

"Sorry." She apologizes again. "I slipped up. We can't."

It's so  frustrating being the runner up when I know Julia wants me just as much as she wants Nate. And it's equally frustrating when she slips up and gives in to me but then questions it all over again. She never did give me a fighting chance. I never got to be with her without her being involved with Nate. I remember when I asked for one month. Just one month with Julia away from Nate. 30 days to show her what her world would look like with me.

Now it's too late. 

I let out a sigh and let Julia eat lunch when I hear her stomach growl again. Trisha walks out to the balcony to talk to Paul and Jonah and Casey head out to take Maggie for a walk. Everything falls apart when Nate sits down next to Julia.

[you're eating. that's good.]

Nate puts his phone on his thigh for Julia to read but it slips off. She grabs the phone before it falls to the ground to hand it back to Nate, but a text catches her eye. He tries to pull the phone away but it's too late. Julia read what it said and then pulls away, giving me a access to see the text.

 [She's not gonna be ready, Trish. I don't know what to do] 

Shit. 

Nate and Trisha were discussing Julia's mental state not being ready to travel. I watch Julia's entire demeanor change in an instant. He tries to grab the phone but Julia keeps reading.

"No." Julia scrolls more to see what else was said, invading Nate's privacy. "Your options? Your options?!"

"Jule." Nate breaks the no talking rule.

"Jule nothing. You don't want me to go on tour with you?"

That's when she falls apart. Poor Julia. This really hurt her and now she's making it known.  Both Nate and I watch her eyes fill with tears. She stands up and throws the phone at Nate's chest.

"I've been trying to get better! I've been working so hard!" She bursts out. I feel a hard lump forming in my throat hearing her. She HAS been working so hard. She HAS been trying. It just may not be enough to guarantee she'll be fine on tour. Nate stands up and leaves his phone on the couch. I lean over to see what else was said to make Julia spiral out like this.

 Paul is the one to walk in from the balcony to see what's up.

"Jules.. it's not what you think. At all. We were just talking." Nate says while I read the message.

 [ This is all going to be too much for Julia. Traveling. Being on tour. she's so excited. I'm excited. James and Casey are excited. I don't know what my options are here] 

Oh no. Yep, that would do it.

"You good, Moretti?" Paul crosses his arms at his chest and eyes Julia and then Nate.

"I can't believe this! You know what? Fuck you Nate!" Julia loses control and swipes the lamp right off the end table so it crashes to the ground in pieces and Paul instantly jumps into action. He's trained for this shit. He knows just what to do.

"Julia. Stop!" The body guard swiftly pulls her away from the ceramic mess on the ground and Julia tries to fight him off, now gaining attention from Trisha who stands at the balcony entrance wide eyed like me. I walk over to her and shake my head at her.

"She saw the messages. You and Nate talking about her." I fill Trisha in and her shoulders fall. I can tell she feels awful about it. We both watch Julia fall apart and Paul  contain her so she doesn't do any more damage to Nate's home or lash out at anyone near her. Which she tends to do. She can't help it. But she loses control. I know I can't handle her when she's like this and Trisha ends up looking away as well. We stand side by side watching the scene play out.

"Fuck you too, Paul. I've been trying so hard!" She tries to kick her legs up but Paul has one arm round her small body and nothing she does is gonna get her out of his grip. She tries to push his arm off her but he's a big guy. There's no way.

"We know you've been trying hard." The bodyguard says. Nate boldly walks over to Julia.

"Please.. Jule."

"Nate! You shouldn't be talking!" Trisha bursts but Nate ignores her. I pat Trisha's shoulder to comfort her a little and she rests the side of her head on my shoulder. Both her and Nate know they fucked up.

"Look at me. You're reading into that. We were just talking. That's all it was." Nate explains.

Julia only cries harder. "You're trying to think of options for me! You want me to stay at the Avalon? Even though he is there? You saw what he did! Paul, you saw too!" She cries and I see Paul give Nate a look. He has become very protective of Julia. 

"What the hell is she talking about?" The bodyguard asks, now pissed off.  I stay out of it and  attempt to clean up the broken pieces from the lamp that shattered on the floor before Maggie comes back.

"That's not what happened." Trisha says. 

Tears stream down Julia's face and she gives up fighting with Paul. She slumps over and throws her hands over her face to sob. It breaks me when I look up to see her like this. I have realized most of Julia's episodes are a result of something Nate has done. Whether it be fucking around with Mila Giovanni, which put Julia in a very deep depression, or things like this.

"It's not what happened Paul. Nate even said that in text. He doesn't want her to be at the Avalon. But look at her. She's not ready to travel." Trisha says and I look up with disappointment. I finally talked myself into looking forward to this. I even told my sisters.

"We're not gonna go?" I ask.

"Guys stop. Everyone is going on tour." Nate doesn't care that he's using his voice. He walks closer to Julia and takes her face in his hands while she struggles. "Jules. Look at me. We were just talking. That's it. You had a rough few days. We were just talking. That's all."

I watch him wipe her tears and for a second she leans her cheek on his hand and closes her eyes. She trusts him. She knows he can take care of her. I fall into the background because I can't take care of her. Not like Nate. I frown and watch their interaction.

"I'm trying to get better." Julia whimpers. She's trying so damn hard to get back on track.

"I know you are, love." Nate strokes her cheek. We all watch Julia look up at him with her sad eyes and give up. She's no longer fighting Paul off. She's no longer struggling to get free. 

But her expression changes and we all see it happen. Julia looks at Nate dead in the eyes before she speaks again.

"I fucking hate you. You know that? And I hate being me." The second Paul loosens his grip, Julia turns and buries her face into his chest. He holds her for a second, saying nothing but shaking his head at both Nate and Trisha now before he walks Julia into my room to calm her down, closing the door behind him.

"Fuck." Nate grabs my chest and my eyes widen when I see him do that. I end up dropping the ceramic clumsily.

"Trish. Help James. Please." Nate walk over the broken lamp, past me and into his room, slamming the door.

 Trish bends down and helps me but her hands are shaking just as much as mine and hers isn't from damage to her brain.

"I didn't mean for her to see that. We really were just talking." She wipes her eyes and I see that she's really upset over this. "He's my best friend. Like you guys we tell each other everything. He was just expressing his concern."

"I know. It kills me that she said 'I hate being me', though. Because she really is trying hard Trish. She's been dealt a shit hand most of her life." I sigh. I take Trisha's hand in mine and look at her. "She needs people on her side, not against her. She tears herself apart enough internally, she doesn't need us doing it to her as well." I say this in the nicest way possible and Trisha nods. I pull her in and hug her, letting her cry on my shoulder.

"Obviously I don't want to be the cause of Julia's mental breakdown. Let me clean this up before the dog comes back, ok? Why don't you go check on Julia. She's gonna wanna see her best friend." Trisha says, seeing my hands not work to pick this shit up anyway. I get up and head to my room.

Julia is sitting on the couch with her head in her hands with Paul right next to her. He looks up at me and shakes his head. Paul has this connection with Julia lately that I find sweet. It's like he is her brother. I can tell this shit gets to him.

"I could kill those two." He mumbles and stands up, letting me take his place. Once he leaves the room I wrap my arms around Julia and she leans into me.

"I'll never be good enough." She looks up at me with her teary eyes. "Not in Trisha's eyes."

"They were just talking. Just like you and I talk. As best friends. She was concerned and was venting to her best friend. That's all that was." I push Julia's hair away from her face.

"I hate this. I didn't mean to do what I did. I can't even explain it."

"I know, sweetie." I don't know. Not at all.

******

*Trisha*

"You two..." Paul crouches down and helps me clean up. I turned into a crying mess while out here alone. Nate's pissed, Julia's freaking out, James is probably mad at me and now Paul.

"Anyone else? Anyone else want to be fucking mad at me?" I burst. "Jesus Christ. WE WERE JUST TALKING!" I raise my voice, catching Paul off guard.

"Ok. Ok. C'mere." Paul scoops me into his arms, not caring who sees us right now. "I get it. But she's struggling right now. All that shit with Jeremy fucked her up in the head. Now you guys are talking about not taking her on tour and putting her back in the Avalon where he works... You should see her there. It's hard to watch. Julia is petrified of that kid. The minute he goes near her she becomes nervous." He explains.

"You're very protective of her now." I say, not in a rude way. Paul knows it and nods.

"I'm a trained bodyguard. It's what I do. Protect people. You from that asshole Dave. Her from her friggen therapist." He stands up and sits me on the couch with him. "But Trish. You gotta remember you are much stronger than Julia. You don't have any mental illnesses. Sure you panic when it's time to drive but that's because of a car accident. I witnessed you get attacked by Dave at your house that morning, and just days later you were back to normal. I witnessed Julia get violently raped by Jeremy.  I literally pulled him off her while Nate called 911.  Yes, she's a mess, but for good reason."

This is probably the most Paul has talked in his fucking life. And everything he says tugs at my heart. I think Paul is just as traumatized from the things he witnessed as Julia. He'll never admit it but right here, right now in this room, I  can feel how these things have affected him. So what I do? I begin to cry. Again!!  I am never like this!

Paul sighs and tries to comfort me like he comforted Julia and I hear him mumble while I'm wrapped in his arms.

 "The estrogen in this house is unreal."

*****